(no subject)
finally. It is finally happening. So close to what i need to be. So close to where i used to be. Love has made me depise who i was. Love has made me a fool. Clouding judgment and hurting people in the long run. Thats all it is good for. Made me paranoid, jealous, possesive. I was happy too. but that is the illusion of love. makes you think your happy then kills it all. Love is nothing but a tool of pain. Torture. Never again. I cant love again. I wont let myself. I feel nothing for noone. Sympathy for animals... That will always be there. Nature is my love now. People are a disease. They are all out to hurt me in some way. Putting a scar over my heart, getting me attached to them then dying. Lying. deceit. Im tired of it. I am able to tell people i normally wouldnt that people are dead. The shear bluntness i used was brilliantly stunning. I am not perfect yet. I cant be yet. If i can only change my mask. Elvinhanzer to elhazzared. Then i will be nearly perfect. The rest is minor. I predict i will be who i was by autumn. Why did i allow myself the weakness of love? Why does it still burn my heart? I doubt i can remove my feelings for her. infact, i have dreamed countless times of her telling me she still loves me. I react in 2 different ways. I accept her back into my heart and i become what im struggling not to be. I am happy. Or i beg her not to tell me because i dont want to be hurt again. and i become perfect. Then there is the time i say the second part and numerous endings happen. she kills herself and then i do because of her, she becomes unstable thinking i hate her for what she has done so i go back anyway. for her happiness. Plenty. Funny to think i bring happiness. I am sick of the worrying people do for me. No matter the lvl of it all or the reason. I dont deserve. no. i dont want anyones feelings. Keep them to yourself. If i dont care what happens to me then why does anyone else have the right. lets say i die tomorrow. who would care? If you read that and thought "i would" then you are weak. dont infect me with it. keep it to yourself. Letting people close to me is a mistake. I am having trouble getting this mask off. I ask about things i dont care about, i pretend to be interested or worried about people and things i really have no interest at all in. The mask of false livelihood. The weaker of the 2. Soon my body will be so scar ridden. Noone will look at me. I miss her