A Letter To Joesph
Dearest Joesph
For some reason, I can't stop thinking about you tonight. It just came on so suddenly. There I was laying in bed reading 'A Little Princess' when I finished a chapter and decided that it was finally time I try and sleep so I put the book down, turned out the lights, and then finally lay back under the covers and closed my eyes in hopes that sleep would soon come.
I lay there silently for perhaps... five minutes before my first random thought came. It was a thought of children and how when I have one what I would like to do such as singing to my child and dancing in the kitchen with him or her while I cooked dinner. Just random thoughts and then I suddenly saw your face. And I remembered a few short words that Sara said to her Papa in 'A Little Princess'. She said, "I don't need to learne you now by heart because I already have. You are in my heart." Suddenly I saw you. Suddenly I saw myself sitting at the lunch table looking over at you across from me (as you most always were) and holding your hand and saying something to you that made everyone giggle. Suddenly I saw myself hugging you in the hall ways (for you always were the best at giving hugs). Suddenly I saw myself hugging you in Chicago just a time after you graduated from Basic Training before you found anyone else. Suddenly I saw you smiling at me at BK, that boyish grin you had on your face.
And I realized... I wont ever see that again. I wont hold you in my arms. I wont see your smile. I wont hear your voice. I will never again play with your hair. I wont get to hear you laugh. You wont give me those puppy dog eyes... I just wont ever see you... again.
I started to feel as though I would cry and I knew if I continued on this line of thinking that I would and I wouldn't be able to sleep regardless so I got out of bed and slowly walked downstairs and took a look around first to see that you weren't sleeping on the couch and to see that you weren't on a computer or playing the wii and then I came in the dining room and sat down at the computer and started typing. I did not know what I would do or say until I got here but then it hit me.
You made me a better person. I loved you then as I do now. You have always meant so very much to me. It is because of you that I am able to tell people what I think when I see them because I might now see them again. It is because of you that I cannot part with someone on bad terms without at least having tried to make peace. It is because of you that I can listen to a particular set of music and have it mean so much more to me. It is because of you that I now shed a tear now and then when doing the simplest of tasks in rememberance of you. And that I now leave people with a hug and will not in good conscience leave with anything but a hug. And it is because of you that I am not afraid to tell others that I love them more openly and freely... or should I say... to tell a certain other that I may be in love with them, because of the bitter regret that I still feel in not telling you my true feelings for you. Even though I know what my answer would have been, at least you would have known and at least I wouldn't have taken things to heart so badly.
I have so many regrets of things that I should have done or said around and to you but not telling you that I loved you, is probably my biggest regret. I had thought of it so many times and this next trip you were to make was to be the time I was going to wrap my arms around you in a big hug and tell you "Joesph, I love you. Don't you ever go this long without seeing me again!" And in my mind I saw myself giving you a little kiss on the cheek but I know that was just a flourish of imagination because I never would have been that bold. I had missed you so terribly much. I missed you and Tony and Charles and I still miss the last two very much, in particular Tony, but... Joesph I never got to say goodbye to you... and that is what hurts me so much. In all my time of visiting you now that you are a permanent resident, I have never been able to goodbye. I have never had the chance to... and often times I have thought that if I passed a person on the street who looked like you that without realizing it I would probably run up to them and give them a hug and cry and say "Oh Joesph! I have missed you so much!"
It is because of you Joesph Larsen that I can now live life with no regrets. And it is you who has made me see this. I wish, in my heart of hearts that it had not been you who made me realize this. And I know that is a dark regret and a deep and sad one, but it is you, Joe, who has made me realize that there really is "no day but today". And I love you for that.
I don't think this will get any easier with the passing of time. I will probably still stare at a Burger King and sadly smile as I remember you and me fighting about the oddest things. I will probably still be unable to go to Middletown High School without feeling like you are still there. I will probably still look at dark chocolate and feel like what I have is too much so I'll split it in half and put the other half away for you later (I have a lot of half eaten dark chocolate because of this). I will probably never be able to listen to Cute Is What We Aim For or Panic! At The Disco without thinking of you. And I will never be able to look back at my senior year of high school without thinking about how wonderful and adorable and dorky you were and how you made my life so much better.
I blame you for these tears now and I thank you for making me happier and stronger and giving me a better outlook on life.
I love you with all of my heart Joesph. I don't think there will ever be a time when I wont love you. Take care of yourself where ever you are now... be it in heaven, or hell (which is doubtful) or as a new life beginning on this earth a new... take care of yourself my dear friend... my dear heart.
With All The Love That I Possess
Sarah E. H.
P.S.
Oh yeah, and if you are in heaven or some place of like, I was wondering if you could maybe drop in from time to time just to check up on how things are going. In a few years time, I'm sure you'll want to check in all time, because there will be a little one named after you. That's right, my first son will share your name. Just don't look for that right away. I'm not having kids for at least another five years or more. ^_^