arrangements
Bear drove me to Covallis yesterday, so I could go to the funeral home and make the arrangements for Daddys creamation, property distribution and memorial planning. I was sort of in a daze the whole time. I'm still in a daze, numb, confused, and unable to focus on anything for more than a second.
Mama is sending me a check out of my school account, so I can pay the upfront cost of creamation....the Maggots and my Dads best friend Byron, his girlfriend Linda said they are going to pay the rest, and pay me back because they say I shouldn't have to do it all on my own.
There is just sooo much going on right now.
We have to be out of our place by the 3rd.
we have no where to go.
We need to get a storage unit and finish packing all our crap.
My Grandma has dementia, and doesn't know Daddy passed.
I don't know how to tell her.
I don't know how to get ahold of my Dads sister to tell her either.
We can't have the memorial until after the 10th of August....where do I live until then??
Bear needs new rim and tire for the truck, one is rusted and cracked out.
It's impossible to find 33" tires anywhere without paying $100 for one.
I feel so alone, like I'm being swallowed by expectations, and duties.
I don't want to eat, and I can't sleep no matter how much I smoke myself into a coma. I have to make some more calls today, and everytime they ask the same thing..."How are you doing sweetie?"
How the fuck do they think I'm doing? I had a semi-estranged relationship with him for the last five years, I talked to him last, six months ago, and I saw him an hour before he died, but unable to say anything to me.
I loved my Daddy more than anything.
I cry everytime I think of all the things I should have done, all the times I could have tried harder to find out where he was. I could have been there earlier for him. I cry everytime I remember him saying he loved me, or singing a bedtime story. I can't listen to music because it all reminds me of him, my favorite songs were his favorite songs.
I'll catch myself saying something, and it was something he used to tell me when I was little and it makes me break down.
I look in the mirror and I see him. Our eyes and mouth are the same, mama always told me so.
I called Linda yesterday, and when it went to the message machine it still had his message on there. I fucking lost it when I heard his voice over the phone, because no matter how much I wish for it, he'll never speak to me again.
I love him so much, and I miss him every second. Everytime I think I'm done crying and ready to take control, I just break down again and feel so helpless. So lost.
Early yesterday morning, while I was sitting outside, the biggest dragonfly I have ever seen came fluttering up and landed in front of me foot on the porch. I din't really pay attention to it at the time, except to notice how large and beautiful it was. After all my business was taken care of and I mellowed out a little, I noticed that the same dragonfly was still on the porch. It had been moving around, but it stayed on my back porch all day. As it got darker, and started to cool down, we opened the windows and doors - - that's when I started hearing the noise. Bear and I went out to see what was flying around eratically on the deck. The dragonfly was tapping at the light, and flying madly around the door, and when we opened it, it flew into the house and over by my bed. Squig and Panda were stalking it so we caught it with a glass and paper and let it go outside. As soon as Bear lifted the glass, the damn thing flew straight back to the house, this time landing on the window screen. We went inside, but the dragonfly kept fluttering against the window. I tried to communicate with it to get it to settle down. After a while, it mellowed out and just sat on the screen, right behind my head. When I went to sleep it was still there, and everytime I got up in the middle of the night it was still there. It hung around until about sunrise this morning, that's when I noticed it was gone.
I don't know what it was, but that dragonfly brought the greatest sense of calm to me...like I was being reassured that everything was going to go smoothly, and that I was never really alone. Maybe it's just grief, maybe I'm reaching for anything, but I believe in reincarnation for the soul never dies. It could have been Daddy coming to check on me and let me know that things would be fine, and that I could handle this.
I better go, this is long as hell, and my eyes are all blurry again.