Family Disturbance
Over the past few years, I have built up a pretty good relationship with my sister in law (or so I thought). She texted Sunday to see how I was doing and I gave her a call back yesterday. Throughout this process, I've had a lot of people call but I don't call back right away because I can only take about one deep conversation a day -- I am so emotionally, mentally and physically exhausted that updating one person is about all I can do in a day if I want to function in any other capacity.
Yesterday, while enjoying my snow day and grading papers, I decided to take a break before finishing the second set and thought that I'd take the 20 minutes or so to update SiL (since she's home with the kids during the day, it's easier to call her in the daytime). While I was trying to explain the progress partner and I have made, I expressed that we were still sad and still having a hard time dealing with things. SiL took this opportunity to let me know that I just needed to suck it up and get over it - that every conversation with me is depressing and I need to quit focusing on the bad things in my life and look at the good things, because really, in her perception, my life is not that hard and does not suck all that much. I said I could appreciate that point of view, but that she really couldn't understand what I'm going through at the moment, and I thought that what I was trying to say to her was that we were trying to think about things more positively and figure out a way to cope.
SiL then asked, "well, how did you want this conversation to go?" and I said, I really was just calling to update you and let you know what's going on - and right now things aren't so great, so I'm sorry if calling you to talk about that is a burden. I told her that I'm not the kind of person who needs a "tough love" speech - ever. I give myself the tough love speech about 20 times a day in my head, and it sounds much worse and far more berating than anyone externally telling me it. I need people to tell me things are going to be okay, because the default in my brain is NOT that. I need people to understand that pointing out my "failures" in dealing with things is only exasperating the problem. I really was just looking for someone to listen and offer support to help me get through the next stretch of my day. She then launched in to how she can't believe that the *one* time she expresses an opinion, I say it hurts my feelings (I might add here, though I didn't tell her this since I couldn't get a word in edgewise with the yelling, that SiL is full of opinions of all shapes and sizes), and that really there was no reason for me to be upset because I never had a baby to begin with - it never developed, so I need to get over myself. When I said that was insensitive, she said that she'd "wasted a year of time with my daughters" talking to me and trying to get to know me but that now she wasn't going to waste any more time on me...and then hung up.
So, not only was I reminded that I don't have a baby - but it was a twist of the knife to throw your two healthy babies (whom you know I adore) in my face. I talked with my mom a bit about it last night, and she said that people who haven't been through this just say stupid shit sometimes and I should just let it go. But I don't feel like our relationship will ever be the same. It takes me a while to really feel like I can trust someone enough to open up - and she shattered that in one conversation. From now on, so as not to be entirely depressing, I will only talk about the good things going on in my life because that's all she really wants to hear. That is if I feel like talking to her at all - because although I know that some people use this brutal style of fighting to "get their feelings out and get it over with" (her explanation), I'm not that kind of person. When you say things that insensitive or that cut to the jugular, I don't want to interact with you any more. I can't trust that expressing myself won't result in that person making me feel worse about myself than I already do.
Yesterday, while enjoying my snow day and grading papers, I decided to take a break before finishing the second set and thought that I'd take the 20 minutes or so to update SiL (since she's home with the kids during the day, it's easier to call her in the daytime). While I was trying to explain the progress partner and I have made, I expressed that we were still sad and still having a hard time dealing with things. SiL took this opportunity to let me know that I just needed to suck it up and get over it - that every conversation with me is depressing and I need to quit focusing on the bad things in my life and look at the good things, because really, in her perception, my life is not that hard and does not suck all that much. I said I could appreciate that point of view, but that she really couldn't understand what I'm going through at the moment, and I thought that what I was trying to say to her was that we were trying to think about things more positively and figure out a way to cope.
SiL then asked, "well, how did you want this conversation to go?" and I said, I really was just calling to update you and let you know what's going on - and right now things aren't so great, so I'm sorry if calling you to talk about that is a burden. I told her that I'm not the kind of person who needs a "tough love" speech - ever. I give myself the tough love speech about 20 times a day in my head, and it sounds much worse and far more berating than anyone externally telling me it. I need people to tell me things are going to be okay, because the default in my brain is NOT that. I need people to understand that pointing out my "failures" in dealing with things is only exasperating the problem. I really was just looking for someone to listen and offer support to help me get through the next stretch of my day. She then launched in to how she can't believe that the *one* time she expresses an opinion, I say it hurts my feelings (I might add here, though I didn't tell her this since I couldn't get a word in edgewise with the yelling, that SiL is full of opinions of all shapes and sizes), and that really there was no reason for me to be upset because I never had a baby to begin with - it never developed, so I need to get over myself. When I said that was insensitive, she said that she'd "wasted a year of time with my daughters" talking to me and trying to get to know me but that now she wasn't going to waste any more time on me...and then hung up.
So, not only was I reminded that I don't have a baby - but it was a twist of the knife to throw your two healthy babies (whom you know I adore) in my face. I talked with my mom a bit about it last night, and she said that people who haven't been through this just say stupid shit sometimes and I should just let it go. But I don't feel like our relationship will ever be the same. It takes me a while to really feel like I can trust someone enough to open up - and she shattered that in one conversation. From now on, so as not to be entirely depressing, I will only talk about the good things going on in my life because that's all she really wants to hear. That is if I feel like talking to her at all - because although I know that some people use this brutal style of fighting to "get their feelings out and get it over with" (her explanation), I'm not that kind of person. When you say things that insensitive or that cut to the jugular, I don't want to interact with you any more. I can't trust that expressing myself won't result in that person making me feel worse about myself than I already do.