Sep 12, 2004 22:26
Okay, so I am posting, because the feelings are fresh and i wanted to get them down before any other feeligns or opinions get into the way. I am not posting to make this known (the situation) Just posting about how I feel.
So Michelle came home. Its 10:27 pm right now. No use stumbling around it we broke up. It was just kinda like..
This isn't working becuase I am too jeleous and.. yeah i dont remember what else. But just know that i remember she said it isnt working.
Im like.. yeah.. thats understandable... better friends than lovers... i get it.
Its really akward. She is showering.. and I guess a big part of me just wants to get in that friggin shower too.. maybe its cuz im just used to showering with her.. or maybe its cuz i dont want to break up, maybe its cuz i am scared of being alone. I dont really know. Even if I want to I am not going to. I guess this is a good thing. Trying to hold back because i dont really want to cry right now. I knew it was comming. I just wish that it didnt have to work out that she went to her mom's and came back with the news. Kinda rubs me the wrong way.
I know that we are better friends than girlfriends. Yes, we will still fight. But it will be over who needs to clean the kitchen and stuff.
I love her. I do. But I think a really big part of me isnt/wasnt IN love with her, just used to being in love with her.
I hope that things dont get too akward. I am going to sleep in the other room... which isnt something I am ready to face right now. I might just "accidently" fall asleep in the living room watching a movie or something that way I dont really have to face the music of sleeping alone.
Come to think of it... I really miss having a teddy to hold on to.
**kinda sighs but its just to keep the tears from coming**
I know that this is for the best. But it doesnt mean that it can't hurt still right? I try not to cry cuz if i cry then it means that i am sad.. and if i am sad I will need some comforting.. and I dont want it. I dont want to dwell on being alone. but i dont want to just JUMP into another relationship or someone I can focus ALL of my attention on.. which is what I do when i am alone.. always have a backup plan... but this time.. there is No lacey for me to spend all my time with and text message 2,000 times a month.. no A.J. to get with really quick after Michelle dumps me. And I think that is a good sign. It means that I can fully heal without any.. distractions. I am glad that I have friends that are there for me. **sigh**
Anyway... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh cuz i am allowed to scream really loud on LJ.
**Picks up pieces of me scattered on the floor**
I have a best friend throughout this that is going through most of the same things that I am. She is in the shower right now. She has been there for most of my teenage upbringing. She made me realize that LOVE isnt just about kissing and writing letters to each other. Its knowing how they are going to react to something.. its reading whatever they are feeling on their face.. its having those tingles.. and I have had so many of those with this girl. She taught me that I am beautiful inside and out. That love can conquer so many things... and we have. I have learned so much from this girl.. and I know that I wouldnt have it any other way no matter how much it will hurt. I was the only one at one time.. and I had it all.. and it was great. And someday I will have someone else to take me into their arms and make me their only one. And I want it.. just not right now.
I love you Michelle, thank you so much for teaching me love, its pluses and minuses.. and know that I will always be here for you becuase I am your best friend, and I want the best for you. I want you to be happy, and I can understand that this time.. I didn't make you happy as your girlfriend, but I would love to make you happy as your Best Friend, I will still be your shoulder to cry on.. I'll kick whosever ass hurts you! I will listen... and I will always know you as my first true love. I'll love you till I die. And I dont want things to get weird.. i want to stay as your roomate.. and your best friend.
Thank you Maggie for supporting me and letting me know you will be there.
Thank you Sara for your wisdom on relationships
Thank you John for showing me what it is like to be in that first stage of love with all the tingles. It is a great stage and seeing people like that always make me belive in love all over again.
later guys!