What I Don't Wanna Post on SSF 03
A LITTLE SOMETHING AMONG FRIENDS PART 3
She was moving. She knew she was just standing still by the elevator, but it didn’t feel like that. Amazing, she thought. She was wobbling. She was leaning to the right then to the left, forward and back. Subtle as they were, she felt them. Forces. The after-shock. A certain something that happens when you stay too long in the water, doing backstrokes. Or what happens when you get it a bit too slow, too gentle, sitting in between someone else’s legs.
She lifted her hands, pinched herself and entered the elevator. She was really moving this time. Just great, she thought. She sat on the couch in the lobby and watched the front desk. It didn’t move. The lady behind the counter didn’t move. Perfectly still, she captured that scene. It stayed that way for a few more minutes until she tilted her head. Right then, everything shattered. But she smiled. Someone passed by.
“Taengoo!”
She was moving this time. Faster, slower, she did not notice. It was the destination that mattered. “Taengoo!” she called out again. Palm against palm, at last. “What are you up to?” she asked.
“Oh. I just finished-Nothing. Just walking.”
She saw that Taeyeon wasn’t moving. The lies were still. Perfectly still, she captured them. She gripped Taeyeon’s hand. “Tell me,” she said.
Taeyeon shook her head. “Nothing.”
“You were crying.”
“And you went swimming.”
“Yeah,” she replied.
They walked back to the couch, the front desk partially hidden from their view, out of their frame of attention. They sat down, still holding hands. There wasn’t much to say. There wasn’t much reason to move. If only time stood still.
“Half a day more,” Taeyeon said.
“One more half,” she replied. She released Taeyeon’s hand, stared down at Taeyeon’s legs. “Can I?” she said.
“Uh, okay.”
She lied down, settled her head on Taeyeon’s lap and rested her legs on the couch’s arm.
“How’d you know I went swimming?” she muttered, her cheek brushing against Taeyeon’s thigh.
“The same way you knew I was crying,” Taeyeon replied. “It’s in your eyes.”
“Eh?”
Taeyeon laughed. “The goggle marks, Soonkyu! The goggle marks!”
She laughed. “Ah! The goggle marks, huh?”
Taeyeon kept still, stopped laughing. “No. Not really.”
“What was it then?”
Curiosity. They kept moving away from it. One curious question. One quick check in the ladies’ restroom. There were marks. She wore a bikini. That’s why. The bathroom mirror didn’t move. It was the only witness. Not even hidden behind a cubicle door, simply in motion, they captured that moment. Faster, slower, she didn’t notice. The destination mattered all the while.
Taeyeon said she wanted to rest. She let Taeyeon go. She remained, looked at her reflection and checked for goggle marks. There were none. There was nothing in her eyes. So painfully slow, she checked again and again. She swallowed. Sitting between someone’s legs. Standing between Taeyeon and the bathroom wall. The only time she could move-
Eighth floor. Right turn. Another hallway of rooms. One knock. On top this time, not in between.
“Just this once,” she whispered.
“It’s… okay,” went the reply.
Jessica, Jessica, Jessica. The name floated across her mind. Jessica’s eyes. She saw herself in them. She wondered whether anyone saw themselves in hers. On top this time. She could see everything, like standing by a window and looking down at daytime Tokyo. Everything. She moved against that. She held it like it was breaking. How fragile that moment was. That almost-end.
“It’s… okay,” Jessica said.
“Just this once?” she asked, throat dry.
“Yes.”
At last, movement. At last, she saw it. That continuous release.
She craved for it, for names to float in her mind and to reach herself through eyes and to hold that fragile moment and to control that movement and to somehow have daytime Tokyo. Everything that used to be above her head and everything she could only look at. She wanted them.
She rode the elevator back down, walked down the hall - in actuality, she ran for dear life - then she turned right. She knocked once before, got daytime Tokyo and held that almost-end. Again, one knock. The door opened. “Oh,” she said in response.
It wasn’t Jessica. For sure, it wasn’t. Not with that smile.
“Let’s go.”
“I don’t think we-”
She was cut off. It wasn’t Jessica. She wanted to stay, but she wobbled in pursuit of that certainty. She let herself be moved. Jessica’s door was so far away, nighttime Tokyo as close as she wanted it to be. It was almost the same room. Just that cherry smell.
“The view’s nice, right?”
“Yes,” she answered, her forehead pressed on the window, another’s arms wrapped around her from behind.
“Really nice,” went the reply.
She almost closed her eyes. Just a little more and she would’ve-
“No,” she whispered, her breath moistening the glass surface.
“No, what? The view’s not nice?”
“Not when I can’t touch it,” she replied.
Three big steps, or four away from the dead view. Once again she was in control, on top, creeping along what she knew nighttime Tokyo was like. Bright. Breathing. Kissing back. That’s what she wanted. It’s so easy, she thought. Taking over this.
“Hey… Fany-ah…”
“What… is it?”
“You’re so random.”
“And you’re… so…”
It wasn’t enough. Holding that fragile moment and watching that release just weren’t enough. Not with herself. Not with Jessica. Not with Tiffany. So she wanted a second try. A third, a fourth, a fifth. Exhausting. While Tokyo was as busy as her just beyond the window, the real city, what she wanted to hold the most, she stuck to what was easy. Friends are easy.
She spent a moment lying in Tiffany’s bed, under the blanket. She was trembling.
“Why don’t you like looking at it?” Tiffany asked, standing by the window.
She did not answer.
“It’s a beautiful view. More than what you can ever see in me,” Tiffany said.
She knew that.
“More than what you can find inside me.”
She emerged from under the covers and sat up, hugged her knees and sighed. “More than what I can have from all eight of you?”
Tiffany nodded. “It’s a beautiful view, you know?” she said. “Stroke it all you want, but you can’t have it all to yourself. Us? You’ll have us. Any time you want.”
She left the room, thinking. What she told her dongsaeng earlier that day, how she kept that in her dongsaeng’s mouth by sealing it with hers, how she drowned all of that under the shower inside some cubicle after swimming, and everything else that moved after that was crap. Tokyo had no almost-end, no fragile moment and no continuous release. No second try, a third, a fourth, a fifth. She will never hold it. She will never really want it. Need it, yes.
It took her a while to finish thinking, washing up and resting her limbs. But what she wanted-
“Just a call,” she told herself. She was back in her room. Fifteenth floor.
Ring ring ring-
“Yeah? Oh, Sunny… Wait-”
That was it.
“Sunny? Hey-I’m kinda… wait-”
She pressed the phone harder on her ear. Names floating in her head. Movement. Still, she couldn’t see it. Felt it, yes. Heard it, yes. She could guess who they were, how many and how long it’s been. That wasn’t enough. What about Tokyo? She thought to herself while the trio existed on the other line. But she wanted to hold every fragile almost-end. She needed to feel like wanting it. Passion. Drive. It wasn’t about the show anymore. Image. She needed to re-build it for herself.
She ended the call. She left her room, grabbed dinner, rode the elevator back up to the fifteenth floor. She looked out the window. Real nighttime Tokyo. Amazing, she thought. Admitting to being fickle, she wanted that again. She wanted that while standing still. No more looking up. No more trying to reach what’s above her head. On top, this time.
“Sorry about the call a while ago.”
“It’s okay,” she replied, holding her door open. “You shouldn’t have answered if-”
“It was fun.”
“I’m sure it was,” she said with slight giggle. “Could you breathe?”
“Barely. Just enough, though.”
“Felt good?”
“Yeah.”
“It’s hard being in between,” she said. Of course she knew.
“Mind if I come in? Hyo told me not to stay in hallways anymore.”
“Okay.”
It took them a while. Too many lights were on. They were both tired. Sleep would’ve been a good option, too. They locked eyes and there was still nothing. They found it pretty hard. Even with all the lights off, the shame was there. Friends were supposed to be easy.
“Yuri-ah,” she muttered, holding herself in the dark.
“I can’t see you,” went the reply.
“Duh. The lights are off,” she said.
Yuri laughed. “Step back a bit,” she said.
“Why?”
“Just do it. Trust me, will ya?”
She took a step back. Nothing seemed to have changed. Without light, there wasn’t much for her to comment on. No signs of movement. No signs of things above her head. She was just there. No longer on top and no longer at the bottom. But she was standing.
“What now?” she asked.
“From here, I see you,” Yuri replied. “Crystal clear.”
She stood there, holding herself, knowing she was bare and stripped down to whatever she is without a name or a face. Behind her was nighttime Tokyo, highlighting every curve along her body, emphasizing the little strands of hair on the top of her head, reducing her to what could be held by-
“View’s nice,” Yuri whispered into her ear.
Her back against the window, almost melting into the heavily lit scene beyond it, she was being a friend. Easy.