What I Don't Wanna Post on SSF 01 (02/02)
I forgot about going to my room to change into sneakers or at least a decent pair of outdoor footwear. Somehow, I ended up walking by a pool. I think I got talked into a promo or something. I didn’t understand what the attendant told me. He talked too fast.
First surprise of the day was Sunny unnie swimming.
“Uh… thanks,” I told the attendant. He bowed and I bowed in response. He left and all I could do was stare at Sunny unnie doing backstrokes.
“Yoongie-poo!” she screamed as she got out of the water.
“Hi, unnie,” I replied. I backed away from the edge of the pool. Hotel slippers aren’t really made for the poolside, after all.
“What’s up with those slippers? And your toes?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
I stared down at my feet. “I’ll get them fixed later,” I replied. By the time I looked up again, she had already wrapped herself in a towel. All I could see were the straps of her bathing suit. Heck, I don’t even remember what the whole thing looks like. I must have been extremely worn out.
I followed her to the showers. The place was just as empty as every other place I had been to. I wondered why.
“Can I ask you a question?” I told her as she was about to get into one of the cubicles.
She turned around and faced me. “Sure, Yoong. What is it?”
“Are you okay with being here?” I replied. I was out of it. “I mean, here in Japan doing promotions.”
She smiled. “Of course I am. This was a dream of ours, remember? To go places with our music.”
I scratched my head. “Yeah, I know.”
“So what’s there to worry about?”
I forced a smile. “Nothing, I guess.”
I was about to sit on a nearby bench when she caught my arm.
“What is it, unnie?”
She looked me in the eye. She looked serious. “What’s up?” she said.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Nothing. I’m just tired.”
She tugged on my arm. “Tell me what’s up!”
I sighed. “It’s just that… everyone is tense. I feel like they’re being weighed down. Don’t you feel that way, too?”
She released my arm and took a seat. Her hair was still wet. “I do, but I don’t think there’s any point in worrying about it. The showcase is coming up and we want everyone to see happy faces. We’re professionals. We’re supposed to be able to get over these things. You know that, right?”
“Right,” I said.
“Good girl. Now, let’s just get it over with. We’ve done all we can and all that’s left is to give it our best shot. This is a new market we’re talking about. You gotta reel ‘em in. It could be harder than we thought, but what the heck? A challenge is always fun.”
She said all that like there weren’t millions invested in us, like there weren’t a million people expecting us to come up with a great performance, like there weren’t any risks. Sunny unnie is just comfortable with things that way. I wiggled my toes to feel something.
“So that’s that,” she said as she stood up. She pinched my cheek and I stood still.
“Thanks, unnie,” I told her.
She hugged me tight. I didn’t know what she was thinking when she pushed me into a cubicle, but like she said… that was that. Afterwards, I knew I really had to get back to my room. Not just to change footwear, but also for a change of clothes.
I stared at the blinking symbols again. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. I expected the doors to open. 9. 10. 11. 12. 14. 15.
I stepped out of the elevator and headed for the first room on the right. I wasn’t that disappointed that no one from the eighth floor wanted to get into the elevator with me. They couldn’t have known I was riding it anyway.
My room seemed ordinary. I had been to four other rooms, a karaoke room and the pool showers. My room was just… my room. I knew that hotel rooms are uniform and all, but there was something wrong with mine. I looked out the window and the view wasn’t as breathtaking. I couldn’t see anything, actually. As if I were surrounded by clouds and the sun would be close enough to burn me.
I took the hotel slippers off and changed into flats. I changed into a new a shirt, a pair of skinny jeans, grabbed a cap and I was out the door. I rode the elevator down again, this time to the basement. If I remembered correctly, the parking lot was somewhere down there.
I kept an eye out for manager oppa. In case he wasn’t there, I brought my phone along. I walked around, noticed a few car logos and then stopped when I recognized the plate number of one of our vans. “Found it!” I whispered to myself.
I peeked into the driver’s side window, but no one seemed to be inside. I tried opening the door-
“Yoona!”
“Woah!”
I almost fell.
“Unnie! Don’t scare me like that!!” I exclaimed as I held myself with both arms. “For goodness’ sake!”
She laughed. “Sorry, kiddo,” she said while rubbing my back.
When I caught my breath, I stared back at her. “What are you doing down here?”
“Oh. I’m waiting for manager oppa. He’s gonna drive me to a nearby stylist.”
“Why? Did something happen?”
She shrugged. “I dunno. He said I should fix my hair. Nothing’s wrong with it, is there?” she asked, rolling a few strands with her index finger and thumb.
“I don’t think so,” I replied.
“That’s what I thought, too! And, we have our own stylists, right?! Why do I need to-”
“Oooh! Maybe he’s trying to get some alone time-”
She punched my arm. “Ew! Yoong! Stop thinking like that!”
My eyes widened from the impact. “Okay! Okay! Sorry! That really hurt, unnie.”
She was still frowning. “Anyway, it’s hot out here. Want me to start the engine?”
“You know how to?”
She smirked. “Course I do!”
I watched her take something out of her pocket. They were car keys.
“Where did you get those?” I asked, pointing at what she stuck into the driver’s door’s keyhole.
“I always ask for extra keys to our vans,” she replied. “For emergency purposes.”
I laughed. “You’re such an umma,” I told her.
“Yeah, well.”
We entered the van and she got the engine started. The air-conditioning seemed to be working better compared to when we first arrived. “Comfy?” she asked as I lied down on the backseat. She was seated in the middle row.
“Yeah,” I answered.
She stared at me for a little while longer then turned away. “Are you excited for the showcase?” she asked.
I had my eyes closed. “Yes. I’m really curious about how it’ll all turn out.”
“I bet you are!”
“What about you, unnie?”
“Hm, I think so. I think it’s gonna be great. We just have to enjoy ourselves. That’s what matters right now.”
I giggled. “Have you been talking to Sunny unnie, too?” I said.
“A little while ago, she messaged me, actually.”
I sat up. “She…did?”
Hyoyeon unnie turned around and faced me. “Yeah, why?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I was just talking to her a while ago, too.”
“But that’s not all there was to it, right? Your talk, I mean.”
I swallowed. “Unnie, I don’t-”
“It’s okay, Yoong. It’s not like we’re all in the dark about these things.”
Hyoyeon unnie has that charm. I can’t explain it. It’s so feminine. It’s one of those things. When you sense it you know you’re either screwed or you’re in for some mind-blowing epiphany. It’s not seduction. At least, it’s not as complex as that. It’s just the way she locks in on your eyes, the way she cups your cheek, the way her lips part, and the way she makes you want to get closer… and closer… and the way she-and-and the way she…
I turned the air-conditioner up. It had gotten a bit warm.
“What about you? What are you doing down here?” she asked, fixing her pants’ button.
“I was thinking about getting my nails fixed,” I replied, wiping my hand with the edge of my shirt. “So I guess we can go together, huh?”
She nodded. “What happened?”
I didn’t want to tell her the exact truth. “Uh… the nail art got ruined. Must have been because of my shoes.”
“That thing Sica and Fany asked you to get done?”
“Yup.”
“But it hasn’t even been a day since you-”
Manager oppa arrived and our conversation lost its place among the three of us. I guess he knew about the duplicate keys since he didn’t ask us anything. It was a pretty quick car ride, too. Everything was quick now that I think about it. Hyoyeon unnie got her hair done (though I still don’t know what was wrong with it in the first place) and I managed to get my nails fixed. No fancy nail polish this time.
“Let’s go grab something to eat,” Hyoyeon unnie proposed upon our arrival at the lobby.
“Good idea!”
I couldn’t believe I forgot about food. I had been walking around the place and I didn’t even know I skipped lunch. It was so unlike me.
The hotel’s restaurant was elegant. I had no more words left to describe it, probably because my appetite was stimulated and it got in the way of almost every other necessary body function. I followed Hyoyeon unnie to the nearest unoccupied table. Then we moved to the next one.
Second surprise of the day was Sooyoung unnie-Okay. It wasn’t really a surprise.
“Hey, guys,” she said, waving.
Hyoyeon unnie and I took a seat and pretended to ignore her bright greeting. We immediately went for the menus.
“You guys are heartless!” Sooyoung unnie blurted out.
“Oh come on,” Hyoyeon unnie said. “We were just kidding around.”
I smiled at the pouting Sooyoung unnie.
“Is it weird for me to tell you that I’ve been expecting you here since this morning?” she told me.
“Eh? What?”
She giggled then took a sip of her lemonade. “Well, I thought you wanted to get breakfast and lunch and stuff, but then you didn’t show so I was kinda curious why. You never miss out on meals.”
Hyoyeon unnie elbowed my side. “She’s right, Yoong! Where have you been all day, huh?”
I didn’t know if she said that just to tease me. She should have known by then.
“Around,” I answered. Technically, it was true.
“Around, huh?” Sooyoung unnie said as she lifted her chopsticks.
“Yeah,” I quickly replied. “What are you eating anyway?” I added.
“Oh, these?” she said, pointing at her plate. “Sashimi. With really spicy sauce.”
She took another bite. While she chewed she handed me her chopsticks, signaling me to try some.
“Okay,” I agreed happily. “Thanks, unnie.”
While I was taking in the unfamiliar taste, I felt Hyoyeon unnie’s eyes on me. I frowned slightly at her and tilted my head. I was hoping she’d understand that I was asking her “What?”
She shook her head with a small smile. I watched as she pushed her chair back. “I’ll be right back. I forgot my wallet,” she said as she stood up.
“We don’t need to pay for this stuff right now, you know,” Sooyoung unnie said.
Hyoyeon unnie seemed unfazed by the correction. “Well, I still want to get my wallet,” she replied. “I’ll see you guys later.”
She left and the one thing that ran through my mind was how lame that excuse was. It didn’t matter, I guess. At least, Sooyoung unnie didn’t think so. She took her chopsticks back and picked up another piece of sashimi.
I licked my lips to savor the small traces that first piece of sashimi left. I think I spaced out a bit until I saw Sooyoung unnie’s hand in front of my face. My second piece of sashimi.
“Open,” she said.
I opened my mouth, took the piece in and started chewing.
“What’s up with you?” she said. “You’re not being lame and nervous about this whole showcase thing are you?”
I almost choked because I wanted to laugh. I shook my head and tried to swallow fast. “Actually, it’s not about that. It’s never been about that,” I said.
She smirked. “Well, I see someone’s confident. That’s good.”
I leaned back on my chair and sighed. “To be honest, I didn’t think about it that much. Not until everyone started talking about it.”
“Ah. So you’ve been going into everyone’s rooms-”
“No!”
Sooyoung unnie seemed surprised at my sudden outburst. I couldn’t blame her. I admit that I was acting strangely. In spite of that, she laughed, and added a small kick from under the table. She hit my knee, but I barely felt it.
“It’s not like I was thinking of something dirty, you know?” she said.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Sorry.”
She finished her last piece of sashimi and then took a sip of her lemonade. “Nah. I understand. It’s not like this is an open topic, right? Well, among the nine of us… it’s like we don’t even talk about it. It just happens.”
It just happens. I thought about that for while. “Hey, unnie. You know how fans pair us up?” I said.
She nodded. “What about it?”
I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the table. “Well, now that I think about it, today I formed YoonHyun, YoonYul, YoonFany, YoonSica, YoonSun, YoonTae, HyoNa-Wait. Actually, that’s still YoonHyo. I’m sure of it. It feels more appropriate.”
“So? What’s your point? That you did everyone in less than a day?”
“Except you,” I replied. I said that without thinking, I admit. I don’t know what came over me.
Sooyoung unnie kept still. I was about to apologize when she finally said something. “With me, it’s… SooNa, isn’t it? That’s what they call the pairing, right?”
I nodded.
She flashed a wide smile. “Notice something strange with that?”
“Huh?”
She held her index finger up. “For once, you’re the girl.”
I pointed to myself. “Me?” I thought about it awhile. “Hm, you’re right. SooNa, huh?”
“Yeah. Anyway, let’s get you something to eat. All this walking around must’ve drained you. You must be pretty screwed over if you’re thinking about pairing names at a time like this,” she said.
She ordered for me. I didn’t even have to bother getting up to ask for condiments or extra table napkins or another drink. She did everything. I sat there, thinking what it was that was really wrong with me. I knew it wasn’t about the showcase. I told myself it would never be about that.
First surprise of the day was Sunny unnie swimming.
“Uh… thanks,” I told the attendant. He bowed and I bowed in response. He left and all I could do was stare at Sunny unnie doing backstrokes.
“Yoongie-poo!” she screamed as she got out of the water.
“Hi, unnie,” I replied. I backed away from the edge of the pool. Hotel slippers aren’t really made for the poolside, after all.
“What’s up with those slippers? And your toes?” she said, raising an eyebrow.
I stared down at my feet. “I’ll get them fixed later,” I replied. By the time I looked up again, she had already wrapped herself in a towel. All I could see were the straps of her bathing suit. Heck, I don’t even remember what the whole thing looks like. I must have been extremely worn out.
I followed her to the showers. The place was just as empty as every other place I had been to. I wondered why.
“Can I ask you a question?” I told her as she was about to get into one of the cubicles.
She turned around and faced me. “Sure, Yoong. What is it?”
“Are you okay with being here?” I replied. I was out of it. “I mean, here in Japan doing promotions.”
She smiled. “Of course I am. This was a dream of ours, remember? To go places with our music.”
I scratched my head. “Yeah, I know.”
“So what’s there to worry about?”
I forced a smile. “Nothing, I guess.”
I was about to sit on a nearby bench when she caught my arm.
“What is it, unnie?”
She looked me in the eye. She looked serious. “What’s up?” she said.
I shrugged my shoulders. “Nothing. I’m just tired.”
She tugged on my arm. “Tell me what’s up!”
I sighed. “It’s just that… everyone is tense. I feel like they’re being weighed down. Don’t you feel that way, too?”
She released my arm and took a seat. Her hair was still wet. “I do, but I don’t think there’s any point in worrying about it. The showcase is coming up and we want everyone to see happy faces. We’re professionals. We’re supposed to be able to get over these things. You know that, right?”
“Right,” I said.
“Good girl. Now, let’s just get it over with. We’ve done all we can and all that’s left is to give it our best shot. This is a new market we’re talking about. You gotta reel ‘em in. It could be harder than we thought, but what the heck? A challenge is always fun.”
She said all that like there weren’t millions invested in us, like there weren’t a million people expecting us to come up with a great performance, like there weren’t any risks. Sunny unnie is just comfortable with things that way. I wiggled my toes to feel something.
“So that’s that,” she said as she stood up. She pinched my cheek and I stood still.
“Thanks, unnie,” I told her.
She hugged me tight. I didn’t know what she was thinking when she pushed me into a cubicle, but like she said… that was that. Afterwards, I knew I really had to get back to my room. Not just to change footwear, but also for a change of clothes.
I stared at the blinking symbols again. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. I expected the doors to open. 9. 10. 11. 12. 14. 15.
I stepped out of the elevator and headed for the first room on the right. I wasn’t that disappointed that no one from the eighth floor wanted to get into the elevator with me. They couldn’t have known I was riding it anyway.
My room seemed ordinary. I had been to four other rooms, a karaoke room and the pool showers. My room was just… my room. I knew that hotel rooms are uniform and all, but there was something wrong with mine. I looked out the window and the view wasn’t as breathtaking. I couldn’t see anything, actually. As if I were surrounded by clouds and the sun would be close enough to burn me.
I took the hotel slippers off and changed into flats. I changed into a new a shirt, a pair of skinny jeans, grabbed a cap and I was out the door. I rode the elevator down again, this time to the basement. If I remembered correctly, the parking lot was somewhere down there.
I kept an eye out for manager oppa. In case he wasn’t there, I brought my phone along. I walked around, noticed a few car logos and then stopped when I recognized the plate number of one of our vans. “Found it!” I whispered to myself.
I peeked into the driver’s side window, but no one seemed to be inside. I tried opening the door-
“Yoona!”
“Woah!”
I almost fell.
“Unnie! Don’t scare me like that!!” I exclaimed as I held myself with both arms. “For goodness’ sake!”
She laughed. “Sorry, kiddo,” she said while rubbing my back.
When I caught my breath, I stared back at her. “What are you doing down here?”
“Oh. I’m waiting for manager oppa. He’s gonna drive me to a nearby stylist.”
“Why? Did something happen?”
She shrugged. “I dunno. He said I should fix my hair. Nothing’s wrong with it, is there?” she asked, rolling a few strands with her index finger and thumb.
“I don’t think so,” I replied.
“That’s what I thought, too! And, we have our own stylists, right?! Why do I need to-”
“Oooh! Maybe he’s trying to get some alone time-”
She punched my arm. “Ew! Yoong! Stop thinking like that!”
My eyes widened from the impact. “Okay! Okay! Sorry! That really hurt, unnie.”
She was still frowning. “Anyway, it’s hot out here. Want me to start the engine?”
“You know how to?”
She smirked. “Course I do!”
I watched her take something out of her pocket. They were car keys.
“Where did you get those?” I asked, pointing at what she stuck into the driver’s door’s keyhole.
“I always ask for extra keys to our vans,” she replied. “For emergency purposes.”
I laughed. “You’re such an umma,” I told her.
“Yeah, well.”
We entered the van and she got the engine started. The air-conditioning seemed to be working better compared to when we first arrived. “Comfy?” she asked as I lied down on the backseat. She was seated in the middle row.
“Yeah,” I answered.
She stared at me for a little while longer then turned away. “Are you excited for the showcase?” she asked.
I had my eyes closed. “Yes. I’m really curious about how it’ll all turn out.”
“I bet you are!”
“What about you, unnie?”
“Hm, I think so. I think it’s gonna be great. We just have to enjoy ourselves. That’s what matters right now.”
I giggled. “Have you been talking to Sunny unnie, too?” I said.
“A little while ago, she messaged me, actually.”
I sat up. “She…did?”
Hyoyeon unnie turned around and faced me. “Yeah, why?”
I shook my head. “Nothing. I was just talking to her a while ago, too.”
“But that’s not all there was to it, right? Your talk, I mean.”
I swallowed. “Unnie, I don’t-”
“It’s okay, Yoong. It’s not like we’re all in the dark about these things.”
Hyoyeon unnie has that charm. I can’t explain it. It’s so feminine. It’s one of those things. When you sense it you know you’re either screwed or you’re in for some mind-blowing epiphany. It’s not seduction. At least, it’s not as complex as that. It’s just the way she locks in on your eyes, the way she cups your cheek, the way her lips part, and the way she makes you want to get closer… and closer… and the way she-and-and the way she…
I turned the air-conditioner up. It had gotten a bit warm.
“What about you? What are you doing down here?” she asked, fixing her pants’ button.
“I was thinking about getting my nails fixed,” I replied, wiping my hand with the edge of my shirt. “So I guess we can go together, huh?”
She nodded. “What happened?”
I didn’t want to tell her the exact truth. “Uh… the nail art got ruined. Must have been because of my shoes.”
“That thing Sica and Fany asked you to get done?”
“Yup.”
“But it hasn’t even been a day since you-”
Manager oppa arrived and our conversation lost its place among the three of us. I guess he knew about the duplicate keys since he didn’t ask us anything. It was a pretty quick car ride, too. Everything was quick now that I think about it. Hyoyeon unnie got her hair done (though I still don’t know what was wrong with it in the first place) and I managed to get my nails fixed. No fancy nail polish this time.
“Let’s go grab something to eat,” Hyoyeon unnie proposed upon our arrival at the lobby.
“Good idea!”
I couldn’t believe I forgot about food. I had been walking around the place and I didn’t even know I skipped lunch. It was so unlike me.
The hotel’s restaurant was elegant. I had no more words left to describe it, probably because my appetite was stimulated and it got in the way of almost every other necessary body function. I followed Hyoyeon unnie to the nearest unoccupied table. Then we moved to the next one.
Second surprise of the day was Sooyoung unnie-Okay. It wasn’t really a surprise.
“Hey, guys,” she said, waving.
Hyoyeon unnie and I took a seat and pretended to ignore her bright greeting. We immediately went for the menus.
“You guys are heartless!” Sooyoung unnie blurted out.
“Oh come on,” Hyoyeon unnie said. “We were just kidding around.”
I smiled at the pouting Sooyoung unnie.
“Is it weird for me to tell you that I’ve been expecting you here since this morning?” she told me.
“Eh? What?”
She giggled then took a sip of her lemonade. “Well, I thought you wanted to get breakfast and lunch and stuff, but then you didn’t show so I was kinda curious why. You never miss out on meals.”
Hyoyeon unnie elbowed my side. “She’s right, Yoong! Where have you been all day, huh?”
I didn’t know if she said that just to tease me. She should have known by then.
“Around,” I answered. Technically, it was true.
“Around, huh?” Sooyoung unnie said as she lifted her chopsticks.
“Yeah,” I quickly replied. “What are you eating anyway?” I added.
“Oh, these?” she said, pointing at her plate. “Sashimi. With really spicy sauce.”
She took another bite. While she chewed she handed me her chopsticks, signaling me to try some.
“Okay,” I agreed happily. “Thanks, unnie.”
While I was taking in the unfamiliar taste, I felt Hyoyeon unnie’s eyes on me. I frowned slightly at her and tilted my head. I was hoping she’d understand that I was asking her “What?”
She shook her head with a small smile. I watched as she pushed her chair back. “I’ll be right back. I forgot my wallet,” she said as she stood up.
“We don’t need to pay for this stuff right now, you know,” Sooyoung unnie said.
Hyoyeon unnie seemed unfazed by the correction. “Well, I still want to get my wallet,” she replied. “I’ll see you guys later.”
She left and the one thing that ran through my mind was how lame that excuse was. It didn’t matter, I guess. At least, Sooyoung unnie didn’t think so. She took her chopsticks back and picked up another piece of sashimi.
I licked my lips to savor the small traces that first piece of sashimi left. I think I spaced out a bit until I saw Sooyoung unnie’s hand in front of my face. My second piece of sashimi.
“Open,” she said.
I opened my mouth, took the piece in and started chewing.
“What’s up with you?” she said. “You’re not being lame and nervous about this whole showcase thing are you?”
I almost choked because I wanted to laugh. I shook my head and tried to swallow fast. “Actually, it’s not about that. It’s never been about that,” I said.
She smirked. “Well, I see someone’s confident. That’s good.”
I leaned back on my chair and sighed. “To be honest, I didn’t think about it that much. Not until everyone started talking about it.”
“Ah. So you’ve been going into everyone’s rooms-”
“No!”
Sooyoung unnie seemed surprised at my sudden outburst. I couldn’t blame her. I admit that I was acting strangely. In spite of that, she laughed, and added a small kick from under the table. She hit my knee, but I barely felt it.
“It’s not like I was thinking of something dirty, you know?” she said.
I rubbed the back of my neck. “Sorry.”
She finished her last piece of sashimi and then took a sip of her lemonade. “Nah. I understand. It’s not like this is an open topic, right? Well, among the nine of us… it’s like we don’t even talk about it. It just happens.”
It just happens. I thought about that for while. “Hey, unnie. You know how fans pair us up?” I said.
She nodded. “What about it?”
I leaned forward and rested my elbows on the table. “Well, now that I think about it, today I formed YoonHyun, YoonYul, YoonFany, YoonSica, YoonSun, YoonTae, HyoNa-Wait. Actually, that’s still YoonHyo. I’m sure of it. It feels more appropriate.”
“So? What’s your point? That you did everyone in less than a day?”
“Except you,” I replied. I said that without thinking, I admit. I don’t know what came over me.
Sooyoung unnie kept still. I was about to apologize when she finally said something. “With me, it’s… SooNa, isn’t it? That’s what they call the pairing, right?”
I nodded.
She flashed a wide smile. “Notice something strange with that?”
“Huh?”
She held her index finger up. “For once, you’re the girl.”
I pointed to myself. “Me?” I thought about it awhile. “Hm, you’re right. SooNa, huh?”
“Yeah. Anyway, let’s get you something to eat. All this walking around must’ve drained you. You must be pretty screwed over if you’re thinking about pairing names at a time like this,” she said.
She ordered for me. I didn’t even have to bother getting up to ask for condiments or extra table napkins or another drink. She did everything. I sat there, thinking what it was that was really wrong with me. I knew it wasn’t about the showcase. I told myself it would never be about that.