stick a fork in me, im done
i was thinking about all of this shit yesterday on my day off from the world. i woke up and didnt do shit all day. i just sat there and thought about anything and everything. i thought i knew what i had to do but i still wasnt sure until i went over to rachel's at 11:30. she was talkin to wigs but it felt like she was talkin to me. she was tellin wigs that she shouldnt be in a relationship where she's so miserable. she might as well have been talkin to me. i havent told anyone, but ive been really miserable with justin the past month or so. i didnt want to say anything cuz i thought everybody would think i was a horrible person for trying so hard to get him back and then turning around and doin this. but ive thought long and hard about it and i feel this is the best thing to do. i dont trust him at all. and thats a big thing. my dad was right, without trust there is no love. i mean i do love him, but i cant be with him when im constantly doubting him. i finally realized how bad it was when i saw a hickey on his shoulder that was actually left from me a few days earlier but my mind immediately jumped to him cheating on me. and this just doesnt feel like a relationship. we see each other 2 days a week if we're lucky. its kinda like we're friends with benefits and thats not what i want. i want someone who is gonna put forth an effort to talk to me, to see me. he's comin over today after school, and im gonna sit him down and tell him everything ive been thinking for so long now. i thought i knew what i wanted, but im only 19 with my whole life ahead of me and i know, without a doubt, that i don't want to spend it with him. i know thats horrible to say but there it is. i do still love him, even though im sure no one will believe me. he's just not the one for me and he'll make someone else really happy. and about prom, i will still go with him if he wants me to. not cuz i feel i have to, but cuz i want to. and ill still be there at his graduation. i still want to be close friends and hang out when we can. but im gonna make it official today that we're no longer a couple and free to see other people. its gonna be hard to see him with other girls but i will get better and he will get better. i know im gonna hurt him really bad and i hate that but it has to be done.