ha. I finally pinned it.
I think I have finally found the dismal, reigning point of which all of these over analytical thoughts originate.
Her lack of warmth.
It's that soft warmth that I long for. Just that bleak warmth that she would at least sit down and listen to me while I vent about something that happened 2-3 days ago, yet still gets to me. Or how my grandmother who dislikes me is coming in town. Or that I don't get enough hours at work.
I don't know.
It's just the simple fact that she'd be there would be enough for me just to get on with life. I wouldn't have to play this petty game of avoidance and awkwardness. I wouldn't have to hide in the shadows of new and old friends just to get by. I wouldn't have my heart racing every time I know she is about to walk by. Not that good racing. The bad, panic-like racing. It happens every. damn. time.
And I can't help it. I get defensive and my muscles tighten. Scenarios run through my head and I picture how bad this truly could be. We could bicker and get into an intense arguement. But would it really be worth it? Would it?
I'm tired of all these questions and everything going on and on in my mind. In fact, I wish I could find the courage to tell her I hate her. That there isn't a part of me that wants her in my life. Maybe by that anger, that false anger, I could move on.
But the only thing I'm holding on to...is her cowardice actions.
her bitter messages.
her lack of friendship.
And I don't know what to fucking do.
Her lack of warmth.
It's that soft warmth that I long for. Just that bleak warmth that she would at least sit down and listen to me while I vent about something that happened 2-3 days ago, yet still gets to me. Or how my grandmother who dislikes me is coming in town. Or that I don't get enough hours at work.
I don't know.
It's just the simple fact that she'd be there would be enough for me just to get on with life. I wouldn't have to play this petty game of avoidance and awkwardness. I wouldn't have to hide in the shadows of new and old friends just to get by. I wouldn't have my heart racing every time I know she is about to walk by. Not that good racing. The bad, panic-like racing. It happens every. damn. time.
And I can't help it. I get defensive and my muscles tighten. Scenarios run through my head and I picture how bad this truly could be. We could bicker and get into an intense arguement. But would it really be worth it? Would it?
I'm tired of all these questions and everything going on and on in my mind. In fact, I wish I could find the courage to tell her I hate her. That there isn't a part of me that wants her in my life. Maybe by that anger, that false anger, I could move on.
But the only thing I'm holding on to...is her cowardice actions.
her bitter messages.
her lack of friendship.
And I don't know what to fucking do.