Desperately
I'd just gotten back home from breakfast with Pao and Ijon. Its 11:40 in the morning. We were supposed to meet at 10AM to go to the gym. You're still asleep, apparently from staying up til 3 in the morning when you said you're already off to bed at 1AM.
I know that you've always been like this, doing things by your own rules, doing things you like when you like. We were together last night, and for the most part you were fiddling with your laptop or busy with something else. I know its still awkward and everything, but when I think about it, even when we were together and things were ok, you were also like that. Even years back, I'd always complain about that. I went to visit you once to give you the 'Angel' shirt, but you were too busy watching the UAAP. I wanted so much to talk to you and spend time with you in Singapore, but even at the hotel room, all you wanted to do was watch movies. I remember telling you once that it seemed like you didn't have any room for anyone in your life. I wonder if you ever thought about that.
I find myself writing to this blog, to myself again, everyday, or when I'm at a loss and simply can't talk to anyone anymore. No one gets me and the situation I'm in, and I know that its my own fault, I shut other people out, preferring to be left alone than have to hear thoughts, opinions and advice from people who 'don't understand'. The last time I wrote so much on this blog was in 2007, when I said to myself that I would try everything I can to make it work between us, which obviously, didn't work out then.
The difference is that then, I didn't have anything to lose. I could walk away saying 'I tried my best'. This time though, its my fault, and everything's mine to lose.
I want to fix this so badly, but I know that you're not yet ready for that, and that you're still angry with me. I don't know how to go about it. It feels like an 8 foot wall in front of me that's so smooth you couldn't find any place to grip and climb. 8 feet high. You know its possible, you know there has to be some way to do it, but there's no place to get a grip, no place to set a solid foot on and hence, no way to move up and over it, whilst knowing it can't be impossible.
I wonder too, if this is the worst that anyone's done to you. I wonder if there's anyone else in the world who, at one point or another, you were more angry at than you are with me now.. I keep wondering how you can't find it in you to forgive me. Again, not saying that what I did was not a big deal, but..
So now, again as before, I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know why you let me see you, only for you to ignore me for the most part. I don't know why you keep telling me about how hurt you were and how bad it was for you when you won't let me do anything to make it right. I feel so helpless and desperate. I want to do something, anything. If letting you hurt me means that it'll be better, then I would let you. But I don't know, and you say you don't know. How is this going to work?
I know that you've always been like this, doing things by your own rules, doing things you like when you like. We were together last night, and for the most part you were fiddling with your laptop or busy with something else. I know its still awkward and everything, but when I think about it, even when we were together and things were ok, you were also like that. Even years back, I'd always complain about that. I went to visit you once to give you the 'Angel' shirt, but you were too busy watching the UAAP. I wanted so much to talk to you and spend time with you in Singapore, but even at the hotel room, all you wanted to do was watch movies. I remember telling you once that it seemed like you didn't have any room for anyone in your life. I wonder if you ever thought about that.
I find myself writing to this blog, to myself again, everyday, or when I'm at a loss and simply can't talk to anyone anymore. No one gets me and the situation I'm in, and I know that its my own fault, I shut other people out, preferring to be left alone than have to hear thoughts, opinions and advice from people who 'don't understand'. The last time I wrote so much on this blog was in 2007, when I said to myself that I would try everything I can to make it work between us, which obviously, didn't work out then.
The difference is that then, I didn't have anything to lose. I could walk away saying 'I tried my best'. This time though, its my fault, and everything's mine to lose.
I want to fix this so badly, but I know that you're not yet ready for that, and that you're still angry with me. I don't know how to go about it. It feels like an 8 foot wall in front of me that's so smooth you couldn't find any place to grip and climb. 8 feet high. You know its possible, you know there has to be some way to do it, but there's no place to get a grip, no place to set a solid foot on and hence, no way to move up and over it, whilst knowing it can't be impossible.
I wonder too, if this is the worst that anyone's done to you. I wonder if there's anyone else in the world who, at one point or another, you were more angry at than you are with me now.. I keep wondering how you can't find it in you to forgive me. Again, not saying that what I did was not a big deal, but..
So now, again as before, I don't know what you're thinking. I don't know why you let me see you, only for you to ignore me for the most part. I don't know why you keep telling me about how hurt you were and how bad it was for you when you won't let me do anything to make it right. I feel so helpless and desperate. I want to do something, anything. If letting you hurt me means that it'll be better, then I would let you. But I don't know, and you say you don't know. How is this going to work?