(no subject)
Ok, so one night a while back I was being an insomniac and I wrote this thing that I was going to put in my journal, but then thought the next day was uninteligable babble. Last night I went over it again, and it made sense, and I was wondering if anyone had similar feelings. I know no one reads my journal, but if you read this, please give me feedback. I want to know if I'm a sociopath or a teenager.
I have no more attatchment to my mom than my dad than noah than sarah than clark than noel than my dog than benji than trash than my old house than a piece of shit. I don't think that on any level other than knowledge of other people's relationships and the fact that I've spent a certain amount of time with people and that I've had a certain amount of deep conversations with people that I feel close to them at all. The only reason I see a few people as main characters in my life or feel any connection with them is because I know that I'm supposed to.
I don't believe that I have ever had true remorse in my life, only that other people have looked down on what I have done and in order to comply I should widthdraw myself. Logically I also know that or have always made it a point to believe, perhaps to counter the latter, that establishing meaningful relationships is the only thing that we should hope to achieve in life.
Others would say it is to find something you feel extremely passionate about, nail it for your whole life, and lay the seed of change for the future. Problem with that is since I birth I have only ever been passionate about something long enough to read about it, play around with it for a couple weeks, and then loose interest.
Why is it that after (period under a month) I ruin things, at least in my mind, and I seperate myself, if not physically, emotionally, so any semblance of comfort or enjoyment I have with a person is lost? Is it perfectionism? Irritability? Bordom attacking rationale? Dumb drunk crap? These things always seem to happen, but conciously I don't make them. The same thing happens when I get a new pair of pants as seeing an old friend, it's really cool and exciting and handy at first, then it just fades and wears out. When I left Tulsa, I didn't miss anything or anyone one bit. I'm sure it would have been the same if I was gone 2 months or 20 years.
I honestly believe, if someone died, wheter they were immediate family or my worst enemy, my amount of grief, if any, would depend on my own personal mindset and emotional stance at the point.
They say that shit is put into the long term memory if you attatch it to an emotions. So why does my memory function really fucking well when I pull up quadratic equations, but terribly when I try to remember times I've spent with friends, or my dad, for that matter?
I have no more attatchment to my mom than my dad than noah than sarah than clark than noel than my dog than benji than trash than my old house than a piece of shit. I don't think that on any level other than knowledge of other people's relationships and the fact that I've spent a certain amount of time with people and that I've had a certain amount of deep conversations with people that I feel close to them at all. The only reason I see a few people as main characters in my life or feel any connection with them is because I know that I'm supposed to.
I don't believe that I have ever had true remorse in my life, only that other people have looked down on what I have done and in order to comply I should widthdraw myself. Logically I also know that or have always made it a point to believe, perhaps to counter the latter, that establishing meaningful relationships is the only thing that we should hope to achieve in life.
Others would say it is to find something you feel extremely passionate about, nail it for your whole life, and lay the seed of change for the future. Problem with that is since I birth I have only ever been passionate about something long enough to read about it, play around with it for a couple weeks, and then loose interest.
Why is it that after (period under a month) I ruin things, at least in my mind, and I seperate myself, if not physically, emotionally, so any semblance of comfort or enjoyment I have with a person is lost? Is it perfectionism? Irritability? Bordom attacking rationale? Dumb drunk crap? These things always seem to happen, but conciously I don't make them. The same thing happens when I get a new pair of pants as seeing an old friend, it's really cool and exciting and handy at first, then it just fades and wears out. When I left Tulsa, I didn't miss anything or anyone one bit. I'm sure it would have been the same if I was gone 2 months or 20 years.
I honestly believe, if someone died, wheter they were immediate family or my worst enemy, my amount of grief, if any, would depend on my own personal mindset and emotional stance at the point.
They say that shit is put into the long term memory if you attatch it to an emotions. So why does my memory function really fucking well when I pull up quadratic equations, but terribly when I try to remember times I've spent with friends, or my dad, for that matter?