Oasis
Five years…
As she pretended to read a newly-found book on her lap, Seo Joohyun knew that she could achieve the smallest yet most complicated wish she wanted in that short, or long period of time. They finally settled a promise, something they can hold on to for the agonizing situation they were in. A promise to finally be together for real, to be committed, to try out the forever she is learning from her parents.
But she wasn’t what everyone thought she really was, she was impatient, maybe because she knew she was born to get what she wants, to achieve her dreams if she set her mind about it and to live according to her views and plans. Her parents gave her almost everything she had wanted when she was a child, a bicycle, dozens of dolls, anything. And when she met and lived with her eight sisters, she was showered with unlimited love and understanding, she was spoiled, Seo Joohyun was and maybe even until she becomes old.
She was sure that it wasn’t because of the suddenness of their meeting, the abrupt plans because of him and with him, not the touching and sincere things he’d done to her, maybe because it was all about the first time excitement, the cluelessness she found out because of him, the undeniable beating of her heart.
Joohyun knew herself, she was someone who thinks three times before deciding to trust a person, who needed six months before opening her heart to sisters who only wanted to take care of her. And she was sure, like how her dream of becoming a singer became a need to fulfill, that she just had to be with him.
Now, not after five years. She felt crazy and selfish for opening everything for him, somehow relying for the happiness on seeing him, talking to him, staring at him, liking Jung Yonghwa.
It had been a clear rule of her agency, never fall in love as much as you can control your feelings, she never paid any attention to it, she had been used to keeping her heart in check after all. But it had been four years of struggle, living her dream, sweats and stress as an entertainer. She and her sisters weren’t ignorant enough, they knew how big they were making, how much money they were giving to them and there were thoughts that pass by into her mind about how they should lessen the strictness on everything they do.
“Maknae!” Jessica’s voice pushed her out of her reverie, causing her cheeks to redden a bit by the sudden attention from everyone inside the dressing room. “Orange juice or flavored water?” Joohyun knew that despite the lack of emotion in her sister’s face, she already knew what was keeping her mind busy.
“Oh. Flavored water, thank you” She forced a smile, slamming her book and walked to where the different delicious sets of food were waiting. Trying her best not to stare blankly at the table, she gripped on the bottle and gulped her thoughts down.
“It will be fine” The warmth from a sister who everyone thought was cold gave her a bit of assurance, she lightly brushed their shoulders together.
She just glanced at each pair of eyes looking at her, assuring them with a smile.
Joohyun wasn’t really sure if her sisters’ understood that she somehow saw herself as a greedy person. They had everything an idol could ever want to have, yet, she wanted the mere reason that might affect everything that they worked hard for.
Distraction. It was what exactly their agency, or everyone in their world, would describe a relationship, a heart that beats for someone in a special way. She understood that, she really did, even while she was still in the show with him. But as opportunities drew them closer, Joohyun was starting to realize how cruel it was for them, to never like anyone beyond what the script and the manager would say.
As she lay on her bed almost every night, wanting to blame him for showing her how incomplete the life she had without the constant reminder of caring and sincere messages and calls. She wanted to throw all the blame on him for the realization that she might like him a bit too much for their own good.
Nobody thought that the worries of her eight sisters when she finally decided to join that dangerous show would eventually come true. She was warned, but being the stubborn girl that she was, it was just a plain work or even a learning stage for her innocent mind, but never a warning for a change in her life.
She would have stopped it soon, to tell her manager that she wasn’t getting anything from the show, that she was tired of pretending to be someone else’s wife for entertainment. But she didn’t, she watched as her sisters’ were pulled off from their works while they were preparing for their Japanese debut, she learned that she was still part of the show, that Yongseo will still continue.
Then unexpectedly, she couldn’t help the circling of her world, the sudden strength she got from his text messages, the swelling of her heart as their eyes lingered at each other. She was done for, Seo Joohyun, she felt frantic as soon as they ended their stint. For the first time in four years, she didn’t know what to do, no managers could comfort her of what they were sure would happen, no amount of practice could assure her of what to come. They promised to never stop continuing what they have, but one month, two months and more time of being apart would never tell the future.
And now, a week after they met at their usual meeting place, she couldn’t stop her heart from hurting a bit with the announcement of their reality. He came up with the best solution for them, he always knew what was right for them, five years and they could be together, together like how she was dreaming to have with him for a long time.
She had waited for long years before debuting, she held on to the promise of training so hard, the sweat and stress she got from endless dancing and singing practices. But five years of unknown future, of thousands of people they would meet within that time, the temptation of trying out with others, she was scared. She didn’t like it, Joohyun was too insecure for five years.
“You believe in us, right?” Yonghwa said, his eyes visible with playfulness yet again.
She shrugged because it was the best reply she could give, she was unsure and she wasn’t in the mood to act positive like she always do. Were their feelings for each other enough to wait for such a long time? She didn’t know, maybe he didn’t know too but was only pretending strong for her.
Despite the packed schedule due to her group’s comeback, she still had time to drown herself from confusion of the reality laid out for her. Even when she was a child up to her trainee days and now as a successful idol, she had always followed the rules from everyone, the responsible geek in her belief that they were older, they always know better.
It sounded all stupid now, she knew that they weren’t always right, she believed that they were possible even if they would not wait for that long.
“You won again, congratulations!” She listened to his voice coming from her cell phone, hours later after a win from a music show and she was still up with her sisters filming another show, everyone was spending their break snatching a few minutes of sleep.
Joohyun sighed loudly, deciding to let him know a bit of what she was feeling, her heart was restless and insecure.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing…I’m just tired, I guess. But thank you, Oppa”
“Yah Seo Joohyun. What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, Yong-oppa, we’re up again” She hung up the call despite herself. Hyoyeon abruptly looked up at her from her iPad, giving her a questioning look because they were still on break for three minutes.
+
Seo Joohyun believed that her feelings for him was indescribable, that the stories she shared to her sisters were never enough to let them measure how much, that her eyes would never carry the amount she always feel whenever they were together.
It was funny how the realization of it kept on creeping inside her already messy mind. The beating and swelling of her heart, the excitement, the need to touch him said it all.
They were together again, in a new place that his member recommended for them, just a short car ride from his practice room, a small but cozy café where they knew all the staffs and manager even while they were still trainees. She was not sure how they were able to meet, but she still kept her pretty face up.
Just like any other secret meet-ups, she spent most of her moments with staring at him as long as he would allow. There was something in his face that lured her into studying each part of it, memorizing how exactly long his eyelashes were, how tall the structure of his nose was, how big and expressive his brown eyes were. She loved looking at him, knowing that he was out there, just close enough for her reach.
“You’re doing that again, Joohyun” He reminded, trying to avoid her eyes again by looking down at the tea they ordered.
“Doing what?” Her velvety voice whispering into the air as her eyes couldn’t leave his face.
“You are acting all weird, you know”
Joohyun sighed, sipping from her cup. “I know. Maybe you know why?” She challenged him, like she had never done before. She never felt brave in her life with him than what she was feeling at the moment. The feeling of wanting to face all the demons and insecurities were strong that she did not care that their short time were ticking fast.
“Tired?”
“I’m always tired. We are always tired” She curled her brows, confused as to why Jung Yonghwa was acting dumb now.
The silence irritated her a bit, apparently she had become more sensitive with her surrounding, most of the time she let her emotion think better than her. Her sisters noticed it, telling her to act usual with him, to never think of the promise they made.
Better said than done, she wanted to say, or even scream at them.
“Can we walk? This place sort of suffocates me” She said for herself, the alluring smell of homemade coffee filling the small place made her a bit dizzy and fidgety. She fidgeted off her seat when her hands reflexively gathered her coat to warm her more.
“Sure” The hesitance in his voice was obvious like the confusion forming into his face, he had always been transparent with his feelings and mood.
Thoughts about being seen never crossed their mind as they pushed the glass door open, colder winter breeze greeting them. She purposely crossed her arms over her chest, they fell into a routine of holding hands at times like this, but she didn’t like to be in anything for now.
“Friends don’t hold hands, Oppa” Joohyun spoke in the most mature way she can. She knew that sometimes her mind could not be as old as everyone thought it was.
He brushed his shoulder against her in attempt to lighten her up. “So this is all about?” Sometimes she just wanted to head lock him for a long time whenever he acts like the Busan guy he was: tough and a bit insensitive. But she never did anyways. “Joohyun…I thought we already made it clear” His voice becoming more like an oppa, a side of him he rarely showed to her. The voice that only meant business.
She remained quiet, her mind kept on giving her ignorant and selfish thoughts that would not do them any good. The dancing trees and streetlights accompanied her, knowing that holding his hand was the only thing she was wishing to do right now. She was strained, she trusted her body won’t give up on her but her mind was a whirlwind.
“It’s going to be hard, very hard for us” Yonghwa started, their feet matching together while they walked along the side street that stretched over to Kangnam. “I don’t want to burden you or even force you to venture in this kind of relationship”
She knew that, she clearly knew where he was coming from. But her heart felt frantic, she felt like living uncomfortably knowing that she would have to stop herself from him.
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I feel insecure about this, too scared to trust my feelings, at the time” She chewed the insides of her mouth to prevent her from tearing up. The overwhelming emotion she was getting because of him, the stress from continuous work and acting fine were already getting into her system.
“You…you don’t need to be sorry for anything” He whispered, feeling uneasy with their situation. “Hey, you know how much I want this too right now…” Yonghwa finally stopped walking, softly grabbing her shoulders to stop her.
At three o’clock in the morning, in the middle of a empty sidewalk, they were wearing their hearts on their sleeves, their insecurities hiding their real status. “Hey, I need the positive Seo Joohyun this time” The huskiness of his voice when he cupped her cheeks calmed her. “So is this the reason why I kept on getting cold shoulders from my favorite girl?” She glanced at his dimple that easily formed due to his bursting cheeks. “You know I didn’t ask for your promise so we could stop being what we are-“
“What are we, Oppa? Really. I need the assurance about this” Seo Joohyun asked in a low voice, vulnerability sparkling in her eyes as she bravely stared at him.
He waited for a moment, gathering all his thoughts to form a perfect answer for her, because he knew that she deserved everything, the truth, the appreciation and the care. He weighed the possibility of his answers, he needed that promise for everyone’s security.
“We are almost there, Joohyun. And somewhere along our journey, we need to slow down, very slow so we could figure out our way to that long road together. But we will never stop, I won’t let that happen” Maybe it was because he had an inborn talent in words that his explanation quickly clicked into her mind like a puzzle waiting to be solved. “I care for you so much, I want you to hold on to that so you could remind me when I am failing to walk with you. We just need to trust each other, Seo Joohyun. You know that single thing you won’t give to anyone easily, the thing I worked hard for? I need that now, tomorrow and in five years”
She was tearing up, two drops already fell from her eyes while listening to him. While regaining the losing strength she was going through, their memories from the past year still giving her the same pleasure as if she was experiencing them now.
Seo Joohyun finally reached out for Jung Yonghwa’s hands, squeezing them to let him know that she needed him all throughout their journey.