Illusion 4
My plan was to put everything (ok, the scenes that I'm thinking) in this chapter but I didn't mean it to be long. So I have to cut it /sigh
Thank you to everyone who is reading this! (:
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The speed of a familiar SUV is unbelievable, as if it’s flying along the dead highway. I gulp, tilting my head as I see myself from four years sitting at the back of the driver’s seat. I look at each pair of eyes sitting with my sixteen years old self. Father, far better then, was driving with a small smile on his face. My mother was beside me, giggling as she listened to jokes from Jonghyun.
I want to wake up now, to stop this familiar nightmare, I don’t need to remember each details of what happened that night. I can’t look at how beautiful our family was when he was still alive. My eyes drop to Jonghyun, his pale and handsome face beaming with confidence and intelligence. I watch as our car’s speed increases by each minute, unaware of the incoming truck from the intersection and the hidden stoplight.
‘No, no, no’ I yell in my mind. For some reasons, I cannot speak. My heart is beating violently against my chest, as the painful memories keep crashing into my mind. ‘Wake up, wake up’ I command to myself. I need to wake up. Please someone wake me up.
“MOM!” My sixteen year-old self was staring right in front while they were all laughing their hearts about something. It all happened in an instant, right in front of my eyes. Jonghyun quickly unbuckling his seatbelt and used himself as I cover for our father, I feel my heart stop as the broken glasses went to his back, stabbing him. I look around the silent place for help then turn back to myself inside the car.
I can still remember how painful it was seeing Jonghyun giving me the last look and smile as he continued to lean against my father. My eyes widened, glancing to our mother who was already unconscious. “No, no, Jonghyun” I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward to touch his face. “You can’t…no…” I continued to whisper, never blinking my eyes for the fear of seeing him gone in front of me.
“NO” I finally wake up, panting and sweating at the same time. I could feel myself shaking in fear against the unfamiliar bed where I am lying. I press my eyes tightly, punching my chest so it would stop aching. Jonghyun’s face is haunting me, the happiness and caring look he gave me for the last time. Like he was telling me his goodbye when he tried hard to smile.
“Joohyun?!” I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, trying to calm by shaking it. “Hey, I’m here. Stop now” I am sobbing without any tears again, a harder way to let everything out. Jung Yonghwa helps me sit on the bed, he looks at me with his big and brown eyes full of concern. I let him hug my shoulder for a moment, letting my face inhale his expensive perfume and natural smell of vanilla soap.
“Get off. What-am I doing here?” I whisper, pushing him away while calming myself.
He doesn’t reply, just studying me for a minute. His eyes exploring each part of my face, discovering my darkest secret with each blink he does. I try to glare at him but I am feeling exhausted to pretend. He sits closer, slowly raising his hand to wipe the sweat on my forehead. I move away and climb out of the bed.
“Where are you going?” He asks, following me out of the bedroom.
I quickly run my eyes to the new place where I’m at. It must be his penthouse with the tall building peeking through the white curtains of the terrace. The black and white motif of the furniture and counters give the place a higher level of sophistication and luxuriousness. The marble-floored feels cold against my bare feet as it brings me to the floor-to-ceiling walls leading to the sliding glass going to the terrace.
Shaking my head, I search around the living area for my shoes and bag. “Where is it?” I hiss, my eyes frantically searching.
“You are not going anywhere” My eyes seem to glow when I finally found my things resting on top of the counter at the kitchen. I am about to get it when he rudely grabs my arm and lead me down to the black couch.
“Get off of me” My eyes abruptly close on its own when a torturing pain comes back into my head. I hate having nightmares, I hate being reminded how fuck up my life has become after accident. Jonghyun seems to grab everything when he left, my father’s heart, my mother’s beaming personality and my life.
I instantly curl down into the couch, trying to bury myself in it, clutching my chest as if the pain will go away with it. I feel his hand carefully touching my arm, maybe telling about his unwanted presence. I feel so tired, tired of handling pain whenever I wake up from my nightmares. I always have to face it alone, inside my room but now, it just feels different.
“Come here” he whispers, carefully but effortlessly bringing me up to his arms. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to his. I couldn’t move anymore, I feel something different with his touch and being inside his arms. Something strong, something I haven’t felt for a very long time. A once familiar feeling is slowly making its way inside me, trying to test the aching parts of my chest and head.
“No” I mutter, weakly pushing him away. I have to stop this illusion of letting someone into my life, thinking they really give a damn about what I feel. And I’m sure it is not something Jung Yonghwa will give.
He sighs as he finally let my body convulse back on the comforting softness of the couch. I press my cheek against the soft cushion, letting the softness eat the vulnerability I am currently having. I let the seconds pass us in silence, memorizing each throbbing pain in my body.
“Talk, Joohyun. Say something” I hear him say, his voice drowning in frustration and confusion in my ears.
“Go away” I say into the pillow, wishing he couldn’t hear the desperate hint in my quiet voice. “I can’t…no…just…I need to leave” Once again, he instantly pushes me back to the couch right before I try to sit up. I groan, grasping the pillow against my chest roughly. Too frustrated to let the pain go away as soon as possible.
A moment later, I can feel his warm and soft breathing on my nape. The warmness of his abrupt move makes me close my eyes and linger on the safe feeling that creeps from nowhere. Jung Yonghwa sees me in my most fragile moment, my whole self drowning in a deep misery. He is watching how the pain is beating my consciousness, eating me up alive. He is seeing the most private thing I have in my life.
He finally knows who I am. Without the façade, just Seo Joohyun. The weak, fragile and lost Joohyun.
I exhale a shaking breath while fidgeting over my bag to find my cigarette pack. I see him walking towards the kitchen so I try my best to stable my hand so I can light it as soon as I can.
“Drink first” He states, no room for objection when he pushes the glass to my hand before snatching my stick again. “No one smokes here” His stern voice echoing around the silent living room. I want to glare at him, to let him know that he cannot order anything to me but nothing comes out anymore. No tears, no words, nothing.
I drink the water he gave, grateful for the cold rush in my throat. I take a deep breath, turning my head over the glass wall where the terrace is.
“What time is it?” I whisper but loud enough to be heard.
“Five minutes before four in the morning” He replies, obviously tired from sleepiness. I feel another weight dropping on the other side of the couch, “What was that” His whisper sounds husky like he doesn’t mean it to be like that. It isn’t a question more like he’s wondering to himself.
When I finally turn to him, he’s already sleeping with his head dangling awkwardly on his shoulder. I turn my body to his direction, slowly letting my eyes linger on his peaceful sleeping face. His long lashes are emphasized with the illumination of the night sky. The perfectly curved pink lips are slightly agape giving him a baby-like tint in that position.
I sigh, I must be out of myself for checking him out at this kind of hour and situation. I stand and cross my arms against my chest while my eyes still on him. I sigh, feeling guilty for unknown reasons if I would just leave. He brings me into his house while I am being loser with tequila and my heavy feelings. He helps me, like he means it.
Defeated by my conscience, I spend the remaining hours of the dark sky at his terrace. With nothing to drink, I hug my knees from the harsh cold wind of autumn. I lean my cheek on my knees, mind wandering from that certain night, we were from our summer house, a long vacation Jonghyun had been waiting for. It was one of the rare opportunities that our parents decided to leave their offices for days. It was a great vacation, it felt like we were just like every normal family in the world.
And Jonghyun just had to ruin it. He had to give me his most perfect expression right before he died. I saw him die in my very eyes, his eyes weakly and slowly closing as his head finally leaned on our father’s seat. He left me, letting me keep that haunting face forever.
I shiver miserably when I feel a warm hand on my back. I almost jump out of the chair where I am when I finally noticed the sun is already at its place. I look up at Yonghwa, his eyes blinking his tiredness in a slow motion.
“You didn’t leave” he whispers, glancing at the sun before looking at me.
I shrug, wondering about it too.
“What do you want to eat? I have…uh…pizza? How about spaghetti?” He asks while he looks inside his refrigerator.
I unconsciously crunch my nose as he lists the available microwaveable food he has. Since I was a child, I have been used to eating balanced food whenever I can especially during breakfast. And watching him carelessly putting every greasy food available at the counter, makes me want to punch him in the face.
I quietly walk at his back to get three eggs and place a frying pan on the stove. Knowing how to fry eggs since I was eleven years old, received a lot of teasing from Jonghyun and Minhyuk. With our lifestyle, I know that it is a big achievement to know even a simple thing like frying. We always rely to our chefs for our food, most of the time we dine out making it almost impossible for me to learn anything in the kitchen.
Within ten minutes I am able to successfully fry the eggs and toast enough bread for the two of us. I put the milk carton on the counter when I acknowledge his staring. I slowly look up at him, with a pair of tired and uninterested eyes.
“You confused me” Yonghwa finally finds his voice in between eating the toast. “But I know you won’t give me an answer about that” He concludes leaning back on the stool where he is seating. “I have nothing on my schedule but the final game at 7o’clock later but I might call the boys so we can practice”
I drop every plate in the dishwasher while listening to his ramblings.
“What time is your first class?”
“10.30-“ I reply, surprising myself from even doing that. “I’m going. Thank you for whatever you did” I add, grabbing all my stuffs from the center table.
“You owe me, Joohyun” No, really. “And I want you to spend your day with me”
I almost glare at him for his stupid suggestion, already knowing his motive for even thinking about that. As I continue to look at him, studying his serious yet light features looking right back at me. I owe him nothing, I never told him to drive me to his place. I could have just driven myself somewhere last night to sober up. But he chose to act like a hero, I don’t owe him anything.
I roll my eyes, shaking my head incredulously. I don’t need anyone to spend my day with. But while I am making my way to the elevator, my cellphone rings. I have to stop walking when the number blinking in the screen is from my father’s secretary.
I punch the answer button and place it on my ears. “Miss Seohyun, your father is asking for your presence in the-“ 8 o’clock in the morning and he is already ruining it. He doesn’t even care about what happened last night.
Turning around, I quickly find him standing like a fool inches away from where I am. He beams like a stupid guy when he feels that he gets what he wants with the surrender look I give him.
“You can take a bath first” I narrow my eyes, absolutely not understanding his mind at the moment. “Hey, hey. My sister has stuffs in here” Shinhye, according to the reports I know, is an eighteen years old girl who is on her last year in highschool at the same exclusive school where I graduated.
I sigh, following him to farthest room down the hall. He opens the closet revealing not-so full stuffs inside. I watch him survey the whole expensively looking clothes, totally clueless what to get. “Uh, yeah. So you can just choose. Though she’s smaller than you but it should be fine” I nod, walking to the space from where he steps away. I inspect each clothes, mentally measuring if it would fit me just right.
Shinhye definitely has a very good taste in clothes and brands. I pick up the checkered red and white polo shirt and shorts, going for boyish outfit today. I glance at him, asking through my eyes if I could his sister’s undergarments.
“You can use everything in here. It’s really fine” He shrugs, getting every look I am shooting at him.
I sigh, walking inside the private bathroom of the bedroom without looking back at him. I take a sigh, almost jumping out in shocked when I see myself at the mirror. I look more horrible than someone who cried all night. My light make-up almost invisible due to the sweat I’ve got, making my face looks more drawn than I try to hide it, my eyes looking like I haven’t close it for consecutive days.
I am a mess than ever.
He is already waiting at the living room wearing a plain black hoodie and jeans, his hair in his usual messy bed hair. “Can I borrow any jacket?” I ask, feeling a bit conscious on how his eyes are feasting what he is seeing. I feel bare with nothing on my face, not even a powder so I have to casually put a hand on my cheek.
He walks back with a black leather jacket, almost exactly like what I have. I mutter thanks while wearing it. I have been getting this new and weird feeling of awkwardness and being conscious with him. I don’t get anything that has been happening the moment I woke up at his place.
“So are you ready?” He asks, grabbing my car key from the side table by the elevator.
I plant myself into the passenger seat of my car, exhaling loudly when he starts driving. The sun is up at its place, everyone is already moving to their schedules, it seems like it’s just another day for the world. But I know better than to think of today as the usual.
Hearing my cellphone ringing, I quickly fish it from my bag and groan when it is Father’s secretary again. Without any doubt, I turn it off and throw it carelessly into the compartment. Why can’t they understand that I don’t like working with them? Or in their boss’ company?
I direct all my attention outside, watching endless cars passing by, students and people in suit walking at the sidewalk with a small smile on their faces. I sigh, feeling like the day is mocking me with the brightness it is showing. I feel like I’ve been living in my dark and cold shell, not knowing what to do, today feels so different and somewhat wrong.
He earns a curious glance from me when he stops the car in front of the main entrance of Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital. I follow him inside, keeping my pace with his large steps. Even inside the elevator, he doesn’t tell me where the hell we are headed.
“Mr. Jung Yonghwa” The nurse coming from a room where he stops walking calls, giving him a flirty smile as she tucks a hair behind her ears. “The patient just woke up, you can come in” Yonghwa nods, acknowledging her presence before slowing opening the door.
I take a sigh as I decide to wait at the bench. The last time I had been to a hospital was the accident, where I see three stretchers being pushed in a hurry, their blood all over their body. While I was only taken to a room with a nurse, asking numerous questions about what happened despite the shocking reality that I had just experienced. It is a traumatic experience, my parents even sent me to a psychiatrist.
“Joohyun” I look at Yonghwa blankly, the smell of my family’s blood dizzying my mind a bit. “She wants to see you for a bit” I give him a look before stepping inside reluctantly. Does he really have to say that I’m with him?
I manage to hide my shock of seeing a very fragile Shinhye lying on the bed, covered with see-through divider around it. I try not to stare at her, remembering the vibrant girl I saw from years ago in high school. Despite the distance, I can still notice the paleness of her face, her frailty with every blink of her eyes.
She slowly brightens as she turns her eyes to me, “Oh. Seo Joohyun-sunbaenim” And her sweet voice sounds so tired, I can’t even think of doing anything bitchy around her. “Wow. You’ve got prettier since high school” I just watch her, every single move she does, intently. “Oppa, you know she’s really, really, really beautiful even before. Now even more” Her eyes flicking back to Yonghwa who is seated at the chair by her bed.
He pats her hand lovingly before turning his head to my direction. “Yeah, she really is” I force myself not to roll my eyes with the way his eyes gaze at me.
“T-thanks” I whisper. “But you are really pretty too” I add quickly, meaning every word.
Shinhye’s smile is contagious, like she could light the whole room with it. The sincerity and the joy I see from it make me conclude that she’s a wonderful person. Her big and brown eyes look at her brother, trying to tell through it how thankful she is that he is there.
They must be really close.
And the thought earns an ache inside me, their relationship reminds me of what I used to have. I remember a lot of people were jealous of how close we were to each other. How they were certain that we can give the world for each other. I suddenly want to leave, away from the genuineness of what they are.
I unknowingly cover my mouth that is suddenly shaking from the pain. “I wore your clothes, is it okay?” My mouth says, surprising myself.
She shoots a teasing look at him, “It’s alright. It looks good on you, really. I’m sorry that I’m a bit small” I just smile as a reply. I look at Yonghwa who is absorbed with staring at his sister, his eyes softening whenever she smiles at him. He looks so vulnerable with her, a brother who would give anything to her baby sister. And it surprises me, I never thought he has this part in his life.
I never thought he has a hole in his perfect life.
“Oppa, you should go. I don’t want to lessen your time with her”
He stares at her for another minute before sighing, “Take care, okay? Follow everything that the nurse and doctor will say” His voice soft but strict as he stands beside her.
I quietly step forward to his side and extend my hand into the divider, not caring if I would get anything or it is not allowed. Her hand is cold but soft, I squeeze it lightly, afraid that it would hurt her more. “Get well, Shinhye. I believe in you” I ignore the surprised look that her brother is giving me and only focus on the teary eyes she has.
“T-that means a lot” She whispers despite the pain she might be feeling at the moment.
“Your brother is always waiting for you. I want to get to know you too” I say sincerely. Already feeling the connection with her, I wish to have a friendship with her. Despite everything.
She nods, fighting against her eyes that are slowing closing. I quickly retrieve my hand, sighing. I don’t like how good people are suffering instead of the heartless ones.
We are busy with our thoughts as we waited for the car to arrive. I step in the car, eyes avoiding his whenever the curiosity is getting better than him. He drives north again, probably just following the road leading to unknown. I may need this, the long car ride where I won’t have to think of anything.
“Can you sleep?” I look at him lazily, my head still leaning on the headrest comfortably. “We are arriving there in two hours”
“I can but I have to wake up every now and then” I whisper, directing my attention back to the window.
“I’ll wake you up” He quickly adds, making my jaw hardens. I don’t like how my day started today, how I am spending it with someone like Jung Yonghwa. I don’t like how I feel like I have to be someone else for today.
To save my sanity.
Thank you to everyone who is reading this! (:
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The speed of a familiar SUV is unbelievable, as if it’s flying along the dead highway. I gulp, tilting my head as I see myself from four years sitting at the back of the driver’s seat. I look at each pair of eyes sitting with my sixteen years old self. Father, far better then, was driving with a small smile on his face. My mother was beside me, giggling as she listened to jokes from Jonghyun.
I want to wake up now, to stop this familiar nightmare, I don’t need to remember each details of what happened that night. I can’t look at how beautiful our family was when he was still alive. My eyes drop to Jonghyun, his pale and handsome face beaming with confidence and intelligence. I watch as our car’s speed increases by each minute, unaware of the incoming truck from the intersection and the hidden stoplight.
‘No, no, no’ I yell in my mind. For some reasons, I cannot speak. My heart is beating violently against my chest, as the painful memories keep crashing into my mind. ‘Wake up, wake up’ I command to myself. I need to wake up. Please someone wake me up.
“MOM!” My sixteen year-old self was staring right in front while they were all laughing their hearts about something. It all happened in an instant, right in front of my eyes. Jonghyun quickly unbuckling his seatbelt and used himself as I cover for our father, I feel my heart stop as the broken glasses went to his back, stabbing him. I look around the silent place for help then turn back to myself inside the car.
I can still remember how painful it was seeing Jonghyun giving me the last look and smile as he continued to lean against my father. My eyes widened, glancing to our mother who was already unconscious. “No, no, Jonghyun” I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned forward to touch his face. “You can’t…no…” I continued to whisper, never blinking my eyes for the fear of seeing him gone in front of me.
“NO” I finally wake up, panting and sweating at the same time. I could feel myself shaking in fear against the unfamiliar bed where I am lying. I press my eyes tightly, punching my chest so it would stop aching. Jonghyun’s face is haunting me, the happiness and caring look he gave me for the last time. Like he was telling me his goodbye when he tried hard to smile.
“Joohyun?!” I feel a warm hand on my shoulder, trying to calm by shaking it. “Hey, I’m here. Stop now” I am sobbing without any tears again, a harder way to let everything out. Jung Yonghwa helps me sit on the bed, he looks at me with his big and brown eyes full of concern. I let him hug my shoulder for a moment, letting my face inhale his expensive perfume and natural smell of vanilla soap.
“Get off. What-am I doing here?” I whisper, pushing him away while calming myself.
He doesn’t reply, just studying me for a minute. His eyes exploring each part of my face, discovering my darkest secret with each blink he does. I try to glare at him but I am feeling exhausted to pretend. He sits closer, slowly raising his hand to wipe the sweat on my forehead. I move away and climb out of the bed.
“Where are you going?” He asks, following me out of the bedroom.
I quickly run my eyes to the new place where I’m at. It must be his penthouse with the tall building peeking through the white curtains of the terrace. The black and white motif of the furniture and counters give the place a higher level of sophistication and luxuriousness. The marble-floored feels cold against my bare feet as it brings me to the floor-to-ceiling walls leading to the sliding glass going to the terrace.
Shaking my head, I search around the living area for my shoes and bag. “Where is it?” I hiss, my eyes frantically searching.
“You are not going anywhere” My eyes seem to glow when I finally found my things resting on top of the counter at the kitchen. I am about to get it when he rudely grabs my arm and lead me down to the black couch.
“Get off of me” My eyes abruptly close on its own when a torturing pain comes back into my head. I hate having nightmares, I hate being reminded how fuck up my life has become after accident. Jonghyun seems to grab everything when he left, my father’s heart, my mother’s beaming personality and my life.
I instantly curl down into the couch, trying to bury myself in it, clutching my chest as if the pain will go away with it. I feel his hand carefully touching my arm, maybe telling about his unwanted presence. I feel so tired, tired of handling pain whenever I wake up from my nightmares. I always have to face it alone, inside my room but now, it just feels different.
“Come here” he whispers, carefully but effortlessly bringing me up to his arms. He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me closer to his. I couldn’t move anymore, I feel something different with his touch and being inside his arms. Something strong, something I haven’t felt for a very long time. A once familiar feeling is slowly making its way inside me, trying to test the aching parts of my chest and head.
“No” I mutter, weakly pushing him away. I have to stop this illusion of letting someone into my life, thinking they really give a damn about what I feel. And I’m sure it is not something Jung Yonghwa will give.
He sighs as he finally let my body convulse back on the comforting softness of the couch. I press my cheek against the soft cushion, letting the softness eat the vulnerability I am currently having. I let the seconds pass us in silence, memorizing each throbbing pain in my body.
“Talk, Joohyun. Say something” I hear him say, his voice drowning in frustration and confusion in my ears.
“Go away” I say into the pillow, wishing he couldn’t hear the desperate hint in my quiet voice. “I can’t…no…just…I need to leave” Once again, he instantly pushes me back to the couch right before I try to sit up. I groan, grasping the pillow against my chest roughly. Too frustrated to let the pain go away as soon as possible.
A moment later, I can feel his warm and soft breathing on my nape. The warmness of his abrupt move makes me close my eyes and linger on the safe feeling that creeps from nowhere. Jung Yonghwa sees me in my most fragile moment, my whole self drowning in a deep misery. He is watching how the pain is beating my consciousness, eating me up alive. He is seeing the most private thing I have in my life.
He finally knows who I am. Without the façade, just Seo Joohyun. The weak, fragile and lost Joohyun.
I exhale a shaking breath while fidgeting over my bag to find my cigarette pack. I see him walking towards the kitchen so I try my best to stable my hand so I can light it as soon as I can.
“Drink first” He states, no room for objection when he pushes the glass to my hand before snatching my stick again. “No one smokes here” His stern voice echoing around the silent living room. I want to glare at him, to let him know that he cannot order anything to me but nothing comes out anymore. No tears, no words, nothing.
I drink the water he gave, grateful for the cold rush in my throat. I take a deep breath, turning my head over the glass wall where the terrace is.
“What time is it?” I whisper but loud enough to be heard.
“Five minutes before four in the morning” He replies, obviously tired from sleepiness. I feel another weight dropping on the other side of the couch, “What was that” His whisper sounds husky like he doesn’t mean it to be like that. It isn’t a question more like he’s wondering to himself.
When I finally turn to him, he’s already sleeping with his head dangling awkwardly on his shoulder. I turn my body to his direction, slowly letting my eyes linger on his peaceful sleeping face. His long lashes are emphasized with the illumination of the night sky. The perfectly curved pink lips are slightly agape giving him a baby-like tint in that position.
I sigh, I must be out of myself for checking him out at this kind of hour and situation. I stand and cross my arms against my chest while my eyes still on him. I sigh, feeling guilty for unknown reasons if I would just leave. He brings me into his house while I am being loser with tequila and my heavy feelings. He helps me, like he means it.
Defeated by my conscience, I spend the remaining hours of the dark sky at his terrace. With nothing to drink, I hug my knees from the harsh cold wind of autumn. I lean my cheek on my knees, mind wandering from that certain night, we were from our summer house, a long vacation Jonghyun had been waiting for. It was one of the rare opportunities that our parents decided to leave their offices for days. It was a great vacation, it felt like we were just like every normal family in the world.
And Jonghyun just had to ruin it. He had to give me his most perfect expression right before he died. I saw him die in my very eyes, his eyes weakly and slowly closing as his head finally leaned on our father’s seat. He left me, letting me keep that haunting face forever.
I shiver miserably when I feel a warm hand on my back. I almost jump out of the chair where I am when I finally noticed the sun is already at its place. I look up at Yonghwa, his eyes blinking his tiredness in a slow motion.
“You didn’t leave” he whispers, glancing at the sun before looking at me.
I shrug, wondering about it too.
“What do you want to eat? I have…uh…pizza? How about spaghetti?” He asks while he looks inside his refrigerator.
I unconsciously crunch my nose as he lists the available microwaveable food he has. Since I was a child, I have been used to eating balanced food whenever I can especially during breakfast. And watching him carelessly putting every greasy food available at the counter, makes me want to punch him in the face.
I quietly walk at his back to get three eggs and place a frying pan on the stove. Knowing how to fry eggs since I was eleven years old, received a lot of teasing from Jonghyun and Minhyuk. With our lifestyle, I know that it is a big achievement to know even a simple thing like frying. We always rely to our chefs for our food, most of the time we dine out making it almost impossible for me to learn anything in the kitchen.
Within ten minutes I am able to successfully fry the eggs and toast enough bread for the two of us. I put the milk carton on the counter when I acknowledge his staring. I slowly look up at him, with a pair of tired and uninterested eyes.
“You confused me” Yonghwa finally finds his voice in between eating the toast. “But I know you won’t give me an answer about that” He concludes leaning back on the stool where he is seating. “I have nothing on my schedule but the final game at 7o’clock later but I might call the boys so we can practice”
I drop every plate in the dishwasher while listening to his ramblings.
“What time is your first class?”
“10.30-“ I reply, surprising myself from even doing that. “I’m going. Thank you for whatever you did” I add, grabbing all my stuffs from the center table.
“You owe me, Joohyun” No, really. “And I want you to spend your day with me”
I almost glare at him for his stupid suggestion, already knowing his motive for even thinking about that. As I continue to look at him, studying his serious yet light features looking right back at me. I owe him nothing, I never told him to drive me to his place. I could have just driven myself somewhere last night to sober up. But he chose to act like a hero, I don’t owe him anything.
I roll my eyes, shaking my head incredulously. I don’t need anyone to spend my day with. But while I am making my way to the elevator, my cellphone rings. I have to stop walking when the number blinking in the screen is from my father’s secretary.
I punch the answer button and place it on my ears. “Miss Seohyun, your father is asking for your presence in the-“ 8 o’clock in the morning and he is already ruining it. He doesn’t even care about what happened last night.
Turning around, I quickly find him standing like a fool inches away from where I am. He beams like a stupid guy when he feels that he gets what he wants with the surrender look I give him.
“You can take a bath first” I narrow my eyes, absolutely not understanding his mind at the moment. “Hey, hey. My sister has stuffs in here” Shinhye, according to the reports I know, is an eighteen years old girl who is on her last year in highschool at the same exclusive school where I graduated.
I sigh, following him to farthest room down the hall. He opens the closet revealing not-so full stuffs inside. I watch him survey the whole expensively looking clothes, totally clueless what to get. “Uh, yeah. So you can just choose. Though she’s smaller than you but it should be fine” I nod, walking to the space from where he steps away. I inspect each clothes, mentally measuring if it would fit me just right.
Shinhye definitely has a very good taste in clothes and brands. I pick up the checkered red and white polo shirt and shorts, going for boyish outfit today. I glance at him, asking through my eyes if I could his sister’s undergarments.
“You can use everything in here. It’s really fine” He shrugs, getting every look I am shooting at him.
I sigh, walking inside the private bathroom of the bedroom without looking back at him. I take a sigh, almost jumping out in shocked when I see myself at the mirror. I look more horrible than someone who cried all night. My light make-up almost invisible due to the sweat I’ve got, making my face looks more drawn than I try to hide it, my eyes looking like I haven’t close it for consecutive days.
I am a mess than ever.
He is already waiting at the living room wearing a plain black hoodie and jeans, his hair in his usual messy bed hair. “Can I borrow any jacket?” I ask, feeling a bit conscious on how his eyes are feasting what he is seeing. I feel bare with nothing on my face, not even a powder so I have to casually put a hand on my cheek.
He walks back with a black leather jacket, almost exactly like what I have. I mutter thanks while wearing it. I have been getting this new and weird feeling of awkwardness and being conscious with him. I don’t get anything that has been happening the moment I woke up at his place.
“So are you ready?” He asks, grabbing my car key from the side table by the elevator.
I plant myself into the passenger seat of my car, exhaling loudly when he starts driving. The sun is up at its place, everyone is already moving to their schedules, it seems like it’s just another day for the world. But I know better than to think of today as the usual.
Hearing my cellphone ringing, I quickly fish it from my bag and groan when it is Father’s secretary again. Without any doubt, I turn it off and throw it carelessly into the compartment. Why can’t they understand that I don’t like working with them? Or in their boss’ company?
I direct all my attention outside, watching endless cars passing by, students and people in suit walking at the sidewalk with a small smile on their faces. I sigh, feeling like the day is mocking me with the brightness it is showing. I feel like I’ve been living in my dark and cold shell, not knowing what to do, today feels so different and somewhat wrong.
He earns a curious glance from me when he stops the car in front of the main entrance of Seoul St. Mary’s Hospital. I follow him inside, keeping my pace with his large steps. Even inside the elevator, he doesn’t tell me where the hell we are headed.
“Mr. Jung Yonghwa” The nurse coming from a room where he stops walking calls, giving him a flirty smile as she tucks a hair behind her ears. “The patient just woke up, you can come in” Yonghwa nods, acknowledging her presence before slowing opening the door.
I take a sigh as I decide to wait at the bench. The last time I had been to a hospital was the accident, where I see three stretchers being pushed in a hurry, their blood all over their body. While I was only taken to a room with a nurse, asking numerous questions about what happened despite the shocking reality that I had just experienced. It is a traumatic experience, my parents even sent me to a psychiatrist.
“Joohyun” I look at Yonghwa blankly, the smell of my family’s blood dizzying my mind a bit. “She wants to see you for a bit” I give him a look before stepping inside reluctantly. Does he really have to say that I’m with him?
I manage to hide my shock of seeing a very fragile Shinhye lying on the bed, covered with see-through divider around it. I try not to stare at her, remembering the vibrant girl I saw from years ago in high school. Despite the distance, I can still notice the paleness of her face, her frailty with every blink of her eyes.
She slowly brightens as she turns her eyes to me, “Oh. Seo Joohyun-sunbaenim” And her sweet voice sounds so tired, I can’t even think of doing anything bitchy around her. “Wow. You’ve got prettier since high school” I just watch her, every single move she does, intently. “Oppa, you know she’s really, really, really beautiful even before. Now even more” Her eyes flicking back to Yonghwa who is seated at the chair by her bed.
He pats her hand lovingly before turning his head to my direction. “Yeah, she really is” I force myself not to roll my eyes with the way his eyes gaze at me.
“T-thanks” I whisper. “But you are really pretty too” I add quickly, meaning every word.
Shinhye’s smile is contagious, like she could light the whole room with it. The sincerity and the joy I see from it make me conclude that she’s a wonderful person. Her big and brown eyes look at her brother, trying to tell through it how thankful she is that he is there.
They must be really close.
And the thought earns an ache inside me, their relationship reminds me of what I used to have. I remember a lot of people were jealous of how close we were to each other. How they were certain that we can give the world for each other. I suddenly want to leave, away from the genuineness of what they are.
I unknowingly cover my mouth that is suddenly shaking from the pain. “I wore your clothes, is it okay?” My mouth says, surprising myself.
She shoots a teasing look at him, “It’s alright. It looks good on you, really. I’m sorry that I’m a bit small” I just smile as a reply. I look at Yonghwa who is absorbed with staring at his sister, his eyes softening whenever she smiles at him. He looks so vulnerable with her, a brother who would give anything to her baby sister. And it surprises me, I never thought he has this part in his life.
I never thought he has a hole in his perfect life.
“Oppa, you should go. I don’t want to lessen your time with her”
He stares at her for another minute before sighing, “Take care, okay? Follow everything that the nurse and doctor will say” His voice soft but strict as he stands beside her.
I quietly step forward to his side and extend my hand into the divider, not caring if I would get anything or it is not allowed. Her hand is cold but soft, I squeeze it lightly, afraid that it would hurt her more. “Get well, Shinhye. I believe in you” I ignore the surprised look that her brother is giving me and only focus on the teary eyes she has.
“T-that means a lot” She whispers despite the pain she might be feeling at the moment.
“Your brother is always waiting for you. I want to get to know you too” I say sincerely. Already feeling the connection with her, I wish to have a friendship with her. Despite everything.
She nods, fighting against her eyes that are slowing closing. I quickly retrieve my hand, sighing. I don’t like how good people are suffering instead of the heartless ones.
We are busy with our thoughts as we waited for the car to arrive. I step in the car, eyes avoiding his whenever the curiosity is getting better than him. He drives north again, probably just following the road leading to unknown. I may need this, the long car ride where I won’t have to think of anything.
“Can you sleep?” I look at him lazily, my head still leaning on the headrest comfortably. “We are arriving there in two hours”
“I can but I have to wake up every now and then” I whisper, directing my attention back to the window.
“I’ll wake you up” He quickly adds, making my jaw hardens. I don’t like how my day started today, how I am spending it with someone like Jung Yonghwa. I don’t like how I feel like I have to be someone else for today.
To save my sanity.