i'm having one of those revelations you have after you have a breakdown or crash
wow i feel old school typing on this..i just felt like i needed to write and realized that this was the only thing that i used to want to write on. myspace and facebook aren't good for that really.
so i've just been doing alot of inventory on my life recently and am really getting no where. so many questions with no answers in view make for a pointless day. therefore night is my friend. when you sleep you don't really have to think of anything or try not to either. if you do it's all done by your body and i don't seem to remember those anyway so what can it hurt?
i've been thinking about how i hate that i can be so open. it's a quality i have that i try to change. it's just how i am though. if i like you or trust you then i will want to tell you most anything and it will come out easily. few secrets. i will only keep those that i don't want to even tell myself. something else that i've noticed is that when i love them i walk all over myself. i start testing my boundaries and molding myself to fit someone else. i always thought that love was about compromise but i think i tend to go alittle overboard. i don't want to change for other people anymore. i'm tired. i don't know. it's weird because usually after a bad break up i would say that love is overrated but when i sit and think about it..that doesn't come to mind this time. through all of my extreme highs and lows during the situation and aftermath of it all..the experience that he gave me has made me very excited to fall in love again. maybe a bigger love. but it's also made me ready to wait. i know i will be impatient and wait anxiously and it will be hard and sad...but neccessary. the only thing i dread with a fear bigger than death or the unknown is knowing that most of the wait will be done alone. that i know i don't want to handle and may need help. so i sit and wonder who will be there and be able to support my fall and try to make me smile.
the list is slim and close to none and this is why i often cry at night.
so i've just been doing alot of inventory on my life recently and am really getting no where. so many questions with no answers in view make for a pointless day. therefore night is my friend. when you sleep you don't really have to think of anything or try not to either. if you do it's all done by your body and i don't seem to remember those anyway so what can it hurt?
i've been thinking about how i hate that i can be so open. it's a quality i have that i try to change. it's just how i am though. if i like you or trust you then i will want to tell you most anything and it will come out easily. few secrets. i will only keep those that i don't want to even tell myself. something else that i've noticed is that when i love them i walk all over myself. i start testing my boundaries and molding myself to fit someone else. i always thought that love was about compromise but i think i tend to go alittle overboard. i don't want to change for other people anymore. i'm tired. i don't know. it's weird because usually after a bad break up i would say that love is overrated but when i sit and think about it..that doesn't come to mind this time. through all of my extreme highs and lows during the situation and aftermath of it all..the experience that he gave me has made me very excited to fall in love again. maybe a bigger love. but it's also made me ready to wait. i know i will be impatient and wait anxiously and it will be hard and sad...but neccessary. the only thing i dread with a fear bigger than death or the unknown is knowing that most of the wait will be done alone. that i know i don't want to handle and may need help. so i sit and wonder who will be there and be able to support my fall and try to make me smile.
the list is slim and close to none and this is why i often cry at night.