Not A Scene Kid Part 3
It is hard to zero in on one reason I became non-scene. It is all the reasons-drugs, no sex, scared boys waiting to stomp on my heart
Some people say gay clubs have simply been replaced by either circuit parties or raves, and that I should get with it. I so disagree. I disagree because neither of those do the job
Circuit parties do provide cheap and easy sex. My problem is that circuit parties don’t give you the opportunity for love-experimentation necessary to get to know if someone would be a good boyfriend. It’s just a wham-bam-thank-you-sir of a sexual whirlwind on drugs, and I don’t see the point. I was looking for love.
As for the rave scene-although it does provide peace, unity, love, understanding, great music, fun, and is specially designed for making friends-it is judgmental about using it for finding sex or a partner. Just ask your average raver what he thinks about people looking for sex at a rave [not even considering that they may be straight]. I think gay men should be able to have a shag if they want, without worrying that it goes against the culture they’re in.
A lot of people claim raves and the circuit are so much more inclusive than the gay scene. That claim is bizarre. The circuit only accepts gym boys and is more norm-inducing than a high school gym class, tolerating no originality whatsoever. And raves, in their way, are just as judgmental-so cliquey about who wears phat pants that they exclude many people. Gay clubs, for all their faults, were never so exclusive as either of these scenes.
One thing, too, about both the circuit and raves-they are both very heavily focused on drugs. That makes them a bad place for finding real intimacy, since a drugged boy is not himself-therefore he is not available to explore his sexuality or love needs. I don’t want someone who is artificially stimulated to touchy-feelyness by rave X, or to a hard-on by circuit K. What will happen when he comes down? Will he be somebody else? Will he be Daffy Duck? I want to know the real person, not the pretend person.
Some people say drugs let down inhibitions. But what does it say about us and our fab rave and circuit culture, if we can’t make friends, have sex, or even dance without tripping? Like a wall between me and reality, I feel I am sleeping with Barbie.
Rave culture’s attitude toward affection, also, does not fill my gay emotional needs. Sure raves started as the “summer of love” in 1988 Bri-tain, and they promote a certain kind of love-a kid-like touchy-feely innocent love. But I want an open, gay, loud, proud love love with sex attached. That is the fulfillment of my dream of erotic and personal love connection with a person and is not the same kind of love raves have, cool as rave love is. Peace, unity and respect are nice. I need a shag.
Still, with the bad attitude we now find on the gay scene, I am not surprised at how many people have abandoned gay clubs for the circuit and raves.
By attitude, I mean something very specific which is a 2000s young-gay-male-disco way of acting, and it is one we should all fight against. Attitude means you look down on everyone to put yourself higher. [Attitude itself is not the real attitude that it used to be: it does not have the elite style judgment of Madonna or vogueing the way it used to. Attitude is no longer a question of style, it is only a fear. I have been treated like shit by the door staff at gay bars that didn’t even deserve my presence. They acted like this was Studio 54 and I was competing with Bianca Jagger to get in, but it was just some shit club and the door staff just were going through the motions.]
I am continually amazed at how we treat each other on our own scene. Given the shocking treatment we have always received from straights, how dare we treat each other even worse, in the very places that were set up so we could make friends, get laid, and fall in love.
But I know where the fear comes from. It comes from actual fear of the unknown, fear of intimacy. It comes from the intense fear of actually having to find out if this person might be a friend, or have sex with me, or maybe even fall in love with me. It comes from a terrible fear of being hurt, of having a nice boy stomp on your heart.
I decided to get rid of my 1990s attitude-my attitude which made me run away from potential lovers, my attitude that manifested itself by dumping the bank boy because he couldn’t dance. I got rid of it because I decided I want to take all risks of being hurt. Because if you don’t risk being hurt, you get absolutely nothing and your life is a waste. If you risk being hurt, you will be hurt sometimes, but the rest of the time you’ll hit the heights, which is where I want to be or else life is not worth living.
I just wish the clubs provided a culture where everyone felt the same way as me.
Some people say gay clubs have simply been replaced by either circuit parties or raves, and that I should get with it. I so disagree. I disagree because neither of those do the job
Circuit parties do provide cheap and easy sex. My problem is that circuit parties don’t give you the opportunity for love-experimentation necessary to get to know if someone would be a good boyfriend. It’s just a wham-bam-thank-you-sir of a sexual whirlwind on drugs, and I don’t see the point. I was looking for love.
As for the rave scene-although it does provide peace, unity, love, understanding, great music, fun, and is specially designed for making friends-it is judgmental about using it for finding sex or a partner. Just ask your average raver what he thinks about people looking for sex at a rave [not even considering that they may be straight]. I think gay men should be able to have a shag if they want, without worrying that it goes against the culture they’re in.
A lot of people claim raves and the circuit are so much more inclusive than the gay scene. That claim is bizarre. The circuit only accepts gym boys and is more norm-inducing than a high school gym class, tolerating no originality whatsoever. And raves, in their way, are just as judgmental-so cliquey about who wears phat pants that they exclude many people. Gay clubs, for all their faults, were never so exclusive as either of these scenes.
One thing, too, about both the circuit and raves-they are both very heavily focused on drugs. That makes them a bad place for finding real intimacy, since a drugged boy is not himself-therefore he is not available to explore his sexuality or love needs. I don’t want someone who is artificially stimulated to touchy-feelyness by rave X, or to a hard-on by circuit K. What will happen when he comes down? Will he be somebody else? Will he be Daffy Duck? I want to know the real person, not the pretend person.
Some people say drugs let down inhibitions. But what does it say about us and our fab rave and circuit culture, if we can’t make friends, have sex, or even dance without tripping? Like a wall between me and reality, I feel I am sleeping with Barbie.
Rave culture’s attitude toward affection, also, does not fill my gay emotional needs. Sure raves started as the “summer of love” in 1988 Bri-tain, and they promote a certain kind of love-a kid-like touchy-feely innocent love. But I want an open, gay, loud, proud love love with sex attached. That is the fulfillment of my dream of erotic and personal love connection with a person and is not the same kind of love raves have, cool as rave love is. Peace, unity and respect are nice. I need a shag.
Still, with the bad attitude we now find on the gay scene, I am not surprised at how many people have abandoned gay clubs for the circuit and raves.
By attitude, I mean something very specific which is a 2000s young-gay-male-disco way of acting, and it is one we should all fight against. Attitude means you look down on everyone to put yourself higher. [Attitude itself is not the real attitude that it used to be: it does not have the elite style judgment of Madonna or vogueing the way it used to. Attitude is no longer a question of style, it is only a fear. I have been treated like shit by the door staff at gay bars that didn’t even deserve my presence. They acted like this was Studio 54 and I was competing with Bianca Jagger to get in, but it was just some shit club and the door staff just were going through the motions.]
I am continually amazed at how we treat each other on our own scene. Given the shocking treatment we have always received from straights, how dare we treat each other even worse, in the very places that were set up so we could make friends, get laid, and fall in love.
But I know where the fear comes from. It comes from actual fear of the unknown, fear of intimacy. It comes from the intense fear of actually having to find out if this person might be a friend, or have sex with me, or maybe even fall in love with me. It comes from a terrible fear of being hurt, of having a nice boy stomp on your heart.
I decided to get rid of my 1990s attitude-my attitude which made me run away from potential lovers, my attitude that manifested itself by dumping the bank boy because he couldn’t dance. I got rid of it because I decided I want to take all risks of being hurt. Because if you don’t risk being hurt, you get absolutely nothing and your life is a waste. If you risk being hurt, you will be hurt sometimes, but the rest of the time you’ll hit the heights, which is where I want to be or else life is not worth living.
I just wish the clubs provided a culture where everyone felt the same way as me.