2007 REVIEW
in alot of ways this was the worst year of my life so far...
my depression grew, my insomnia grew worse, i relied heavily on drugs and alcohol to supress most emotions. ive grown more jaded and discontent as far as music goes, even though i went on more tours and put out more records this year than i ever have... i disconnected from too many friends and shunned many potentially healthy relationships in favor of always wanting to be alone. i wanted to be alone alot of times this year, and when i ignored enough calls, and severed enough ties to people, i realized i truly am alone and its not what i expected or really wanted. but i got used to being lonely and i dont know any other feelings. it breaks my heart every single day. my grandmother passed away today, my grandfather passed away a few months ago. we weren't all that close but it reminded me that the constants in my life can be as fleeting as anything else. they were alive for so long and before i realized i had never fully tried to get to know them, they dissapeared. this got me thinking about my closer family and their mortality, my pets, my other grandma. its the most depressing thing. those people care about me even though i dont give them much in return. i still stay at my parents and while i dont mind seeing them and we get along well, i know i am overstaying my welcome in some ways. they expected me to be doing more with my life. they know im suffering from alot of depression but they won't say anything. i know they love me alot and they would love to help me. its a touchy subject that i dont want to involve anyone else in but myself. i dont know what to tell them, i have a job, i take music seriously, its still a dissapointment for everybody. i'm a dissapointment to myself and i can handle that for the most part. by the end of 2007 im feeling so disillusioned that i had to write this out. to be a dissapointment to someone is the single worst feeling.
touring was fun. i like my friends. i still like music. i love my family. i want to start over but i can't.
my depression grew, my insomnia grew worse, i relied heavily on drugs and alcohol to supress most emotions. ive grown more jaded and discontent as far as music goes, even though i went on more tours and put out more records this year than i ever have... i disconnected from too many friends and shunned many potentially healthy relationships in favor of always wanting to be alone. i wanted to be alone alot of times this year, and when i ignored enough calls, and severed enough ties to people, i realized i truly am alone and its not what i expected or really wanted. but i got used to being lonely and i dont know any other feelings. it breaks my heart every single day. my grandmother passed away today, my grandfather passed away a few months ago. we weren't all that close but it reminded me that the constants in my life can be as fleeting as anything else. they were alive for so long and before i realized i had never fully tried to get to know them, they dissapeared. this got me thinking about my closer family and their mortality, my pets, my other grandma. its the most depressing thing. those people care about me even though i dont give them much in return. i still stay at my parents and while i dont mind seeing them and we get along well, i know i am overstaying my welcome in some ways. they expected me to be doing more with my life. they know im suffering from alot of depression but they won't say anything. i know they love me alot and they would love to help me. its a touchy subject that i dont want to involve anyone else in but myself. i dont know what to tell them, i have a job, i take music seriously, its still a dissapointment for everybody. i'm a dissapointment to myself and i can handle that for the most part. by the end of 2007 im feeling so disillusioned that i had to write this out. to be a dissapointment to someone is the single worst feeling.
touring was fun. i like my friends. i still like music. i love my family. i want to start over but i can't.