the anatomy of a struggle.
in a lot of ways, it looks like a scene straight from a movie. an insanely large campus, situated right in the heart of the downtown area. four seasons instead of two, with orange autumn leaves and pristine white snow in addition to the sweltering heat and the damp rain. a building that looks more like a hotel than a school, complete with disconcerting art (they call that art?) adorning the hallways. and caucasians. plenty of caucasians.
i'm fortunate to be pursuing my further studies here. blessed, really.
but working on my mba is hard. very, very hard.
***
it isn't about the time anymore... we've all accepted that. not willingly, but we've all come to realize that there's nothing we can do about it. days and nights are meant to be spent at the rotman building, and weekends are no exception; fridays are just another day in the week now. it's hardly pleasant, but it's become life as we know it.
no, all of a sudden it's about the results. or lack thereof.
***
last week someone posted a comment on my last entry, when i revealed my less-than-stellar gpa. "you need to study harder," she said. it was meant to be a joke - there was an emoticon of a tongue sticking out thrown in for good measure - but it was anything but. it upset me so much that i deleted it, because every time i saw it it felt like a slap in the face.
i'll be the first person to acknowledge that my gpa isn't going to turn a lot of heads... to be honest, i'd be more than grateful to catch anybody's attention with it. i'm my own worst critic, so words can't express how disappointed and upset i was when i saw those three numbers.
and yet i never half-assed it, not for a moment. those of you that know me know that i never half-ass anything, whether it's a workout or trying to win an ex back. i never loafed around when i should've been studying, i never took anything less seriously than i needed to. and that is why the results are all the more disappointing.
i couldn't have studied any harder, because i studied as hard as i could. even when i felt it was futile, even with my uncle telling me that "studying rots the brain", even when i knew full-well the results wouldn't justify my effort. if i had to write any of those papers again i'd write them the exact same way, and i'd still only walk away with a b or a b+ for my efforts. if i had to take any of those tests again i'd write the same answers, leave the same questions blank. and that is how i know i gave it my all, because i don't look back on it and say, "well maybe i should have answered this instead."
***
i've spent the last week trying to convince myself that grades aren't everything. it's a proven fact and i know it to be objectively true, and yet i can't bring myself to take any solace from it. because the catch is that gpas are oftentimes the only thing recruiters look at. they don't care about all of the effort i've been putting in, about how hard a worker i am, about how much upside i have. all they care about are those three numbers, and as far as they're concerned, i can't cut it.
***
why am i having such a hard time succeeding? the possible reasons are endless: i've been away from the academic environment for too long. having worked in the real world for four years has shown me that grades aren't all that important. canadians aren't as lazy as most people think (actually, most people think americans are the lazy ones, and they could still be on to something there). there are no stupid people in the rotman mba, no matter how hard i try to look for them. i'd gotten used to the reputation of mbas in the philippines, where competition was easy and high marks weren't difficult to come by. i'm not smart enough. i'm not good enough. i'm not studying hard enough.
all of those reasons are perfectly viable, save for the last three.
***
the real reason why an mba is so difficult is because the low points will have you doubt yourself, and lord knows i've done plenty of that... far more than i should have. it's hard not to, precisely because things have been so hard. i have all of these people, family and friends who believe in me, knowing i'm perfectly capable of doing well here, and yet i don't have the results to show for it. and because i don't, i feel like i'm letting them down. i start thinking that i can't hack it, not with all of these geniuses around me. that i made a mistake coming here. that i should've stayed back in the philippines, back where it was safe and comfortable and sheltered.
but that's just me being a pussy.
***
i've been physically tested by my mba, and i've made it through so far... save for deeper eye bags are more lines on my face. but i'm only now being tested mentally, by grades that haven't been up-to-par despite my best efforts, by companies thanking me for my interest in their summer internship but nonetheless not pursuing my application, by people who seem to think i'm fucking around like van wilder and who suggest that i "study harder".
i know i'll continue to be tested by these things; my trials are only starting.
but those last three reasons? those are all bullshit.
***
and so i will continue studying the way i study, preparing the way i prepare, working the way i work, even if the grades will never show it. because i know i'm going all out, and that's the only thing i know how to do.
and so the struggle continues.
i'm fortunate to be pursuing my further studies here. blessed, really.
but working on my mba is hard. very, very hard.
***
it isn't about the time anymore... we've all accepted that. not willingly, but we've all come to realize that there's nothing we can do about it. days and nights are meant to be spent at the rotman building, and weekends are no exception; fridays are just another day in the week now. it's hardly pleasant, but it's become life as we know it.
no, all of a sudden it's about the results. or lack thereof.
***
last week someone posted a comment on my last entry, when i revealed my less-than-stellar gpa. "you need to study harder," she said. it was meant to be a joke - there was an emoticon of a tongue sticking out thrown in for good measure - but it was anything but. it upset me so much that i deleted it, because every time i saw it it felt like a slap in the face.
i'll be the first person to acknowledge that my gpa isn't going to turn a lot of heads... to be honest, i'd be more than grateful to catch anybody's attention with it. i'm my own worst critic, so words can't express how disappointed and upset i was when i saw those three numbers.
and yet i never half-assed it, not for a moment. those of you that know me know that i never half-ass anything, whether it's a workout or trying to win an ex back. i never loafed around when i should've been studying, i never took anything less seriously than i needed to. and that is why the results are all the more disappointing.
i couldn't have studied any harder, because i studied as hard as i could. even when i felt it was futile, even with my uncle telling me that "studying rots the brain", even when i knew full-well the results wouldn't justify my effort. if i had to write any of those papers again i'd write them the exact same way, and i'd still only walk away with a b or a b+ for my efforts. if i had to take any of those tests again i'd write the same answers, leave the same questions blank. and that is how i know i gave it my all, because i don't look back on it and say, "well maybe i should have answered this instead."
***
i've spent the last week trying to convince myself that grades aren't everything. it's a proven fact and i know it to be objectively true, and yet i can't bring myself to take any solace from it. because the catch is that gpas are oftentimes the only thing recruiters look at. they don't care about all of the effort i've been putting in, about how hard a worker i am, about how much upside i have. all they care about are those three numbers, and as far as they're concerned, i can't cut it.
***
why am i having such a hard time succeeding? the possible reasons are endless: i've been away from the academic environment for too long. having worked in the real world for four years has shown me that grades aren't all that important. canadians aren't as lazy as most people think (actually, most people think americans are the lazy ones, and they could still be on to something there). there are no stupid people in the rotman mba, no matter how hard i try to look for them. i'd gotten used to the reputation of mbas in the philippines, where competition was easy and high marks weren't difficult to come by. i'm not smart enough. i'm not good enough. i'm not studying hard enough.
all of those reasons are perfectly viable, save for the last three.
***
the real reason why an mba is so difficult is because the low points will have you doubt yourself, and lord knows i've done plenty of that... far more than i should have. it's hard not to, precisely because things have been so hard. i have all of these people, family and friends who believe in me, knowing i'm perfectly capable of doing well here, and yet i don't have the results to show for it. and because i don't, i feel like i'm letting them down. i start thinking that i can't hack it, not with all of these geniuses around me. that i made a mistake coming here. that i should've stayed back in the philippines, back where it was safe and comfortable and sheltered.
but that's just me being a pussy.
***
i've been physically tested by my mba, and i've made it through so far... save for deeper eye bags are more lines on my face. but i'm only now being tested mentally, by grades that haven't been up-to-par despite my best efforts, by companies thanking me for my interest in their summer internship but nonetheless not pursuing my application, by people who seem to think i'm fucking around like van wilder and who suggest that i "study harder".
i know i'll continue to be tested by these things; my trials are only starting.
but those last three reasons? those are all bullshit.
***
and so i will continue studying the way i study, preparing the way i prepare, working the way i work, even if the grades will never show it. because i know i'm going all out, and that's the only thing i know how to do.
and so the struggle continues.