Wanderlust
Title: Wanderlust
Author: Pup-Ashbless
Fandom: D Gray Man
Disclaimer: Hoshino is the owner of the official franchise.
Summary: …That's how things would sound if I had told this from a strict bookman's point of view. Lavi looks back on the last mission with more detail than necessary.
I was in the mood for something non deep and light hearted and wrote this. Enjoy.
Name: Kanda Yu
Sex: Male
Age: Nineteen
Occupation: Exorcist of the Order, ex-experiment.
Wardrobe: average black Exorcist gear that was recently cleaned of blood though signs of wear and tear to show its age. Given these details the owner has several years of experience from the way the broken threads are arranged into more cunning order rather than sloppy mishap.
Weapon: Anti akuma sword type, named Mugen.
Team: General Tiedoll Fro, Marie Noise, Chaoji, ex-Dasiya
Exorcist Kanda Yu received the Innocence as orders always stated to do so on his solo mission near the back of the Black Order, west of the forest just thirty feet or so from the ocean. It was an hour till noon, a bright sunny day, windy, and it smelled of salty water from the ocean which meant it had just finished raining from the night before.
…That's how things would sound if I had told this from a strict bookman's point of view.
Not that any of it was wrong, facts are facts and I'll tell ya a bookman will always deliver them. But I guess the thing is while what I just said was the truth, it's not the complete story.
Contrary to popular belief, a bookman's goal is to collect the truth.
The truth hardly measures up to the whole story.
I guess the only way I can tell the whole story is to start from the beginning, so to speak.
Because, really what you just read up there was the end.
I'll tell one thing that has never changed from my view point.
The end can never be fully appreciated or understood until ya know its foundations.
Oh, but before I begin, some stuff might come off as a little weird here and there. It might just sound that way because I'm looking back on a memory with a different angle in my narration. It's because bookman never record themselves, which means whenever any one, even another bookman, hears or reads a recording from a bookman it's because they're only reading the truth. Bookman record truths, but they never record stories, because if they did they'd have ta include themselves and believe me that's a no.
So I guess a I gotta apologize ta any bookman who may read this or to Gramps who's probably roll'in in his grave (theoretically speaking, bookman don't get graves, they are burned to ashes and scatted with no coffin in sight).
Basically you could say it began when Kanda Yu, or Yu as I called him, became my… friend, I guess you could say.
Though to be honest, I wouldn't have called him my friend back then, even now as I write this. I was a bastard back then. Still am to be truthful - but not as much as before. But either way that's not why I had clung to Yu. You see he was quite the bastard himself.
Everyone was so 'nice' and - what's the word? - sappy acting towards every one I felt I would bleed it all out by the way they kept offering it on my plate. I was young - in more ways then one - and had a hard time comprehending just what that meant to me.
But then there was Yu.
I was so 'nice' and he was so mean acting ya probably wouldn't have been able to guess that I was biggest bastard among them all.
Difference being (not that I'd ever admit it out loud) Yu could be empathetic and sympathetic, not as showy as Lenalee or Komui or the others but enough to be able to see a person's problem under the surface and maybe if he was feeling rarely charitable enough he could be competent enough to deal with it in an effective manner.
(Unlike myself. Back then I'd probably produce a fish out of water effect and unintentionally or not come across as insensitive to whatever poor sap happened to be nearby once my cliché cheer and false sympathy apparently stopped working.)
But that was a lesser problem for me since he was still a bastard. A bastard I could get and even relate to. In the beginning Yu was really the first person for the longest of times I could remotely relate to. Our issues were different, back then I didn't care what his issues were, probably back then knew I didn't want to know if I didn't have ta.
Yu was my rock, he was the one I went to when all the rainbows from the Order members became too hard to swallow because his cynical grump was something familiar enough for me to chatter and rely on. I didn't have ta worry about tears for eyes too big, smiles for faces too small, or hands that seemed far too still when shook.
Yu just was Yu.
Grumpy, cynical, rarely if ever emotional, duty bound, and un willing to smile when he didn't have to…or when he had to.
He was my half truth.
Half truth because he didn't seem like a full truth or full lie.
Which was fine, because hey who can really guess what's going on inside someone's heart all the time, if even ever?
Something like that is probably not humanly possible. People can guess, but they can't always know what goes on inside other people when the individual themselves don't always know either. Which is far from a bad thing if ya ask me, I'd be out of the job if people - who are way too sensitive if anyone asks - saw right through me all the time.
Well anyway I'm getting off track; you'll half ta excuse me. I'm not too good at free writing since I was more or less born and bred for technical writing.
A good example of someone who tried to be something she wasn't would be Lenalee. Cutest girl ever with the biggest heart for her friends and family you'd ever find. She was also disturbing, reserved, eternally hateful of people and things who harmed her heart, and creepy - downright creepy behind a mask of perky unrelenting sunshine.
Seriously, I was probably I was the last one ta find out about this real side of her. Thinking back on her these days I'm surprised I'd ever had thought she was the most normal and down to earth of us all.
But Yu was more truth than lie in that dark unrelenting world, truth in that there were some bastards who weren't evil or despicable. He wasn't a bastard for the heck of it, it's just who he was. He wasn't planning on changing for anyone.
Oh he wasn't my light or anything corny like that - I'd laugh at anyone who'd tried to think that of Yu.
Allen would probably fit that description more. He was the new shine that lit up the world and allowed some light to shoulder in and mix with the darkness until it became gray.
Allen was my symbol to watch and look up to, but he wasn't my first friend. Oh he was probably the one that meant the most to me in a life changing inspirational sense, but he wasn't the one I was closest to if ya wanted to get into the standards of technical friendship.
I don't know how or even completely why I felt the things I did about Yu. Maybe as time went on it was because we were just two guys of similar age who happened to not die on the other no matter what we did. I would like to think Yu secretly likes strong people who he could always depend on to not come back to bite him even if he was the one who killed them (you can imagine that kind of thing would bother him on a 'I'm too busy to play your grim reaper' level). Which is the category I would fit in cause I had my own goals and I'd be a pope without the cross before I'd let Yu or anyone get one over my life.
But that's not it, I guess because I never asked anything of him. He never asked anything of me. We didn't need that from each other because we always had other people in our lives to do that for us whether we wanted them to or not. Maybe that's another thing we could have counted on each other for without asking for it. Well, I don't know about Yu, admittedly I never knew what he wanted unless he was yelling it in my face. But, I appreciated the fact he always acted like he took me for what I was. It made it harder to double back on myself when I had someone who regarded me like that, I even didn't feel like I was lying.
There were no trivialities, just facts. You stole a hair ribbon, you'd die - or feel liked you'd die.
That's the kind of thing I, ironically, felt very safe by. So blunt and business like was our relationship that I didn't ever have ta deal with the messy emotional baggage I found in my other so called 'relationships' that became the way they did because I never could find my exact footing.
I'm okay with facts.
Tears for the lost and hope for the light, I admit are things I'm kind of a sucker for - depending on the people anyway - but I'm not the type to reel it out. Lenalee and Allen were. Yu and I? Well, we had agendas. I still don't know what Kanda was doing that kept him going, but I could tell it was definitely something. There were times he would stop, just stop as if his feet suddenly had become as heavy as lead. He'd stare for a few seconds and then turn back like no body's business to the direction of the Order.
As I'm writing this it's kind of hitting me how I'm remembering things differently now. Before I was just observing like I was jotting down notes for what was going on. Now I'm looking back on 'em and actually reading between the lines for what the story underneath those actions could be.
Yu and I both had the wanderlust. I could tell there was something out there that he was also searching for. Just like me, which lead us to the last exorcist mission I ever recorded.
I was standing right where I told you Yu was in the beginning - if you were paying any attention, you'd better have, you'd already know what I was talking about without a refresher - things were peaceful.
Yu was staring at me with eyes like curtains. I couldn't tell what he had behind them but it was fine. I doubt he could tell what I had behind mine either.
Yu bluntly asked what I was doing. I told him I was leav'in. He insulted me the same why a casual observer would remark on the sky that heralded the coming of rain. He didn't have orders to stop me so he had reached out his hand trusting me that much to know what he wanted. I remember gripping that little anit-akuma weapon in my hand as if I was pouring my heart into it. It was my connection to a home I thought I'd never have. I'm not the sentimental type, but it was ache that I think I'd appreciate to feel more than once in my life. But I had things to do, agendas more important than fulfilling the happiness of others who depended on me. I never asked for it so I guess they'd have no one to blame but themselves. Just as I only had myself.
Yu took my Innocence without satisfaction to regret. How I know. Well, maybe because at that instance I couldn't help but feel the both us were feeling the parabola of regret and satisfaction mixing between us until it became just life.
It occurs to me that if it had been any one else this situation would have gone completely different. Maybe a mess so sloppy it would never become clean again. But Yu wasn't messy with me. He took me for what I was at the moment, a Bookman who needed to go. I wasn't his ally in arms anymore. But he didn't scream or bleed for me.
Looking back, I think I did hurt something there. Though that could be my own feelings staining the pages there (I'm sooo sorry Gramps, I promise this won't be showing up in any official recordings….that you made). The pain was less of am issue than my desire to wander. But Yu looked at me the same why I think I used to look at Gramps back when I was a kid. Curiosity and hungry resentment all in one like a child that it made me want to be childish back just to get reaction out of 'im. It was all over in an instant but I know something I wish I could have known back then.
I was pretty grateful. Grateful I had a friend who respected me more than they felt about me at the moment.
Cause I can face it, what I had done was pretty douche. I hadn't even said my goodbyes to the others or even notified them of my leaving. Only Komui (and Yu who was sent to get what was needed) knew of my leaving and I had selfishly left for him to deal with the mess I had no doubt made. Not anything new, I took what I did and more from them only to leave without giving twice as much back. Yu's lips were slick with wetness from sweat gained from relentless training but no salt's imitating the sea ever ran down to meet them. Yu was hard as ever as he stared at me with cut throat consideration of the final dismiss. I hadn't realized it, but I was sizing him up as well.
Would he be okay?
Well, of course Yu would be. I figured he wear himself out enough to either accomplish the things he wanted or push himself so hard he wouldn't be able to tell himself he was already too dead to do anything.
….
I had laughed at him in a more quiet… expectant way while he had snorted like he remembered to be disgusted and we both turned away without a word.
Cut off without a second look back.
He had his duty and so did I.
…Looking at these words before I would like ta think there are some people who would like to go back in time to re live things. No I wouldn't have changed a thing…I'd just want to do it over again with the things I know now….
I guess back then if I had felt anything it would have gratitude. I guess in a sense Yu was my friend. A sort of relationship that was my taste of non messy normal between two unclean individuals who his a lot but were not much different from what ya saw, at least from my view point. He either didn't care or knew too well what my views were so he returned the favor of my leaving by doing the exact same thing I did. He took want he wanted and then left with no choppy ends.
Respect like that never came again for me.
I guess that may seem anti climatic or even cruel to some, but it was an end I think suited us. I probably could have even avoided this if I had just handed the Innocence to Hevlaska like I should have. But maybe I wanted something. A certain end, any end that seemed like an end. Yu was good at leaving ya if it suited him just like I was. So really in my view this end was perfect for me. It hadn't been too happy or sad but somehow the two had met to make it a clean one.
That was the end where not only the truth was exposed to someone but the whole story. Yu's cruelty as well as mine held no malice. It was just facts that caused us to meet halfway and acknowledge something bigger for each of us that needed our attention. I'd like to think Yu felt the same way, that's why as much as he had been allowed to feel towards me, he chose to go the route I understood the most. He hadn't done it for my sake, it's just the whole natural instinct of being Yu that did it.
In the end I guess that's what allowed me to finally get my clean ending.
I'm putting the pen down now (well not right now) and closing this chapter now. No doubt I'll see something new next time but still think of the same dry salt smell that signified the wanderlust that connected us both at the very end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes*
I'm hoping the characterization was alright enough. I was trying to go at an angle the I thought would suit them alright in this type of story.
Author: Pup-Ashbless
Fandom: D Gray Man
Disclaimer: Hoshino is the owner of the official franchise.
Summary: …That's how things would sound if I had told this from a strict bookman's point of view. Lavi looks back on the last mission with more detail than necessary.
I was in the mood for something non deep and light hearted and wrote this. Enjoy.
Name: Kanda Yu
Sex: Male
Age: Nineteen
Occupation: Exorcist of the Order, ex-experiment.
Wardrobe: average black Exorcist gear that was recently cleaned of blood though signs of wear and tear to show its age. Given these details the owner has several years of experience from the way the broken threads are arranged into more cunning order rather than sloppy mishap.
Weapon: Anti akuma sword type, named Mugen.
Team: General Tiedoll Fro, Marie Noise, Chaoji, ex-Dasiya
Exorcist Kanda Yu received the Innocence as orders always stated to do so on his solo mission near the back of the Black Order, west of the forest just thirty feet or so from the ocean. It was an hour till noon, a bright sunny day, windy, and it smelled of salty water from the ocean which meant it had just finished raining from the night before.
…That's how things would sound if I had told this from a strict bookman's point of view.
Not that any of it was wrong, facts are facts and I'll tell ya a bookman will always deliver them. But I guess the thing is while what I just said was the truth, it's not the complete story.
Contrary to popular belief, a bookman's goal is to collect the truth.
The truth hardly measures up to the whole story.
I guess the only way I can tell the whole story is to start from the beginning, so to speak.
Because, really what you just read up there was the end.
I'll tell one thing that has never changed from my view point.
The end can never be fully appreciated or understood until ya know its foundations.
Oh, but before I begin, some stuff might come off as a little weird here and there. It might just sound that way because I'm looking back on a memory with a different angle in my narration. It's because bookman never record themselves, which means whenever any one, even another bookman, hears or reads a recording from a bookman it's because they're only reading the truth. Bookman record truths, but they never record stories, because if they did they'd have ta include themselves and believe me that's a no.
So I guess a I gotta apologize ta any bookman who may read this or to Gramps who's probably roll'in in his grave (theoretically speaking, bookman don't get graves, they are burned to ashes and scatted with no coffin in sight).
Basically you could say it began when Kanda Yu, or Yu as I called him, became my… friend, I guess you could say.
Though to be honest, I wouldn't have called him my friend back then, even now as I write this. I was a bastard back then. Still am to be truthful - but not as much as before. But either way that's not why I had clung to Yu. You see he was quite the bastard himself.
Everyone was so 'nice' and - what's the word? - sappy acting towards every one I felt I would bleed it all out by the way they kept offering it on my plate. I was young - in more ways then one - and had a hard time comprehending just what that meant to me.
But then there was Yu.
I was so 'nice' and he was so mean acting ya probably wouldn't have been able to guess that I was biggest bastard among them all.
Difference being (not that I'd ever admit it out loud) Yu could be empathetic and sympathetic, not as showy as Lenalee or Komui or the others but enough to be able to see a person's problem under the surface and maybe if he was feeling rarely charitable enough he could be competent enough to deal with it in an effective manner.
(Unlike myself. Back then I'd probably produce a fish out of water effect and unintentionally or not come across as insensitive to whatever poor sap happened to be nearby once my cliché cheer and false sympathy apparently stopped working.)
But that was a lesser problem for me since he was still a bastard. A bastard I could get and even relate to. In the beginning Yu was really the first person for the longest of times I could remotely relate to. Our issues were different, back then I didn't care what his issues were, probably back then knew I didn't want to know if I didn't have ta.
Yu was my rock, he was the one I went to when all the rainbows from the Order members became too hard to swallow because his cynical grump was something familiar enough for me to chatter and rely on. I didn't have ta worry about tears for eyes too big, smiles for faces too small, or hands that seemed far too still when shook.
Yu just was Yu.
Grumpy, cynical, rarely if ever emotional, duty bound, and un willing to smile when he didn't have to…or when he had to.
He was my half truth.
Half truth because he didn't seem like a full truth or full lie.
Which was fine, because hey who can really guess what's going on inside someone's heart all the time, if even ever?
Something like that is probably not humanly possible. People can guess, but they can't always know what goes on inside other people when the individual themselves don't always know either. Which is far from a bad thing if ya ask me, I'd be out of the job if people - who are way too sensitive if anyone asks - saw right through me all the time.
Well anyway I'm getting off track; you'll half ta excuse me. I'm not too good at free writing since I was more or less born and bred for technical writing.
A good example of someone who tried to be something she wasn't would be Lenalee. Cutest girl ever with the biggest heart for her friends and family you'd ever find. She was also disturbing, reserved, eternally hateful of people and things who harmed her heart, and creepy - downright creepy behind a mask of perky unrelenting sunshine.
Seriously, I was probably I was the last one ta find out about this real side of her. Thinking back on her these days I'm surprised I'd ever had thought she was the most normal and down to earth of us all.
But Yu was more truth than lie in that dark unrelenting world, truth in that there were some bastards who weren't evil or despicable. He wasn't a bastard for the heck of it, it's just who he was. He wasn't planning on changing for anyone.
Oh he wasn't my light or anything corny like that - I'd laugh at anyone who'd tried to think that of Yu.
Allen would probably fit that description more. He was the new shine that lit up the world and allowed some light to shoulder in and mix with the darkness until it became gray.
Allen was my symbol to watch and look up to, but he wasn't my first friend. Oh he was probably the one that meant the most to me in a life changing inspirational sense, but he wasn't the one I was closest to if ya wanted to get into the standards of technical friendship.
I don't know how or even completely why I felt the things I did about Yu. Maybe as time went on it was because we were just two guys of similar age who happened to not die on the other no matter what we did. I would like to think Yu secretly likes strong people who he could always depend on to not come back to bite him even if he was the one who killed them (you can imagine that kind of thing would bother him on a 'I'm too busy to play your grim reaper' level). Which is the category I would fit in cause I had my own goals and I'd be a pope without the cross before I'd let Yu or anyone get one over my life.
But that's not it, I guess because I never asked anything of him. He never asked anything of me. We didn't need that from each other because we always had other people in our lives to do that for us whether we wanted them to or not. Maybe that's another thing we could have counted on each other for without asking for it. Well, I don't know about Yu, admittedly I never knew what he wanted unless he was yelling it in my face. But, I appreciated the fact he always acted like he took me for what I was. It made it harder to double back on myself when I had someone who regarded me like that, I even didn't feel like I was lying.
There were no trivialities, just facts. You stole a hair ribbon, you'd die - or feel liked you'd die.
That's the kind of thing I, ironically, felt very safe by. So blunt and business like was our relationship that I didn't ever have ta deal with the messy emotional baggage I found in my other so called 'relationships' that became the way they did because I never could find my exact footing.
I'm okay with facts.
Tears for the lost and hope for the light, I admit are things I'm kind of a sucker for - depending on the people anyway - but I'm not the type to reel it out. Lenalee and Allen were. Yu and I? Well, we had agendas. I still don't know what Kanda was doing that kept him going, but I could tell it was definitely something. There were times he would stop, just stop as if his feet suddenly had become as heavy as lead. He'd stare for a few seconds and then turn back like no body's business to the direction of the Order.
As I'm writing this it's kind of hitting me how I'm remembering things differently now. Before I was just observing like I was jotting down notes for what was going on. Now I'm looking back on 'em and actually reading between the lines for what the story underneath those actions could be.
Yu and I both had the wanderlust. I could tell there was something out there that he was also searching for. Just like me, which lead us to the last exorcist mission I ever recorded.
I was standing right where I told you Yu was in the beginning - if you were paying any attention, you'd better have, you'd already know what I was talking about without a refresher - things were peaceful.
Yu was staring at me with eyes like curtains. I couldn't tell what he had behind them but it was fine. I doubt he could tell what I had behind mine either.
Yu bluntly asked what I was doing. I told him I was leav'in. He insulted me the same why a casual observer would remark on the sky that heralded the coming of rain. He didn't have orders to stop me so he had reached out his hand trusting me that much to know what he wanted. I remember gripping that little anit-akuma weapon in my hand as if I was pouring my heart into it. It was my connection to a home I thought I'd never have. I'm not the sentimental type, but it was ache that I think I'd appreciate to feel more than once in my life. But I had things to do, agendas more important than fulfilling the happiness of others who depended on me. I never asked for it so I guess they'd have no one to blame but themselves. Just as I only had myself.
Yu took my Innocence without satisfaction to regret. How I know. Well, maybe because at that instance I couldn't help but feel the both us were feeling the parabola of regret and satisfaction mixing between us until it became just life.
It occurs to me that if it had been any one else this situation would have gone completely different. Maybe a mess so sloppy it would never become clean again. But Yu wasn't messy with me. He took me for what I was at the moment, a Bookman who needed to go. I wasn't his ally in arms anymore. But he didn't scream or bleed for me.
Looking back, I think I did hurt something there. Though that could be my own feelings staining the pages there (I'm sooo sorry Gramps, I promise this won't be showing up in any official recordings….that you made). The pain was less of am issue than my desire to wander. But Yu looked at me the same why I think I used to look at Gramps back when I was a kid. Curiosity and hungry resentment all in one like a child that it made me want to be childish back just to get reaction out of 'im. It was all over in an instant but I know something I wish I could have known back then.
I was pretty grateful. Grateful I had a friend who respected me more than they felt about me at the moment.
Cause I can face it, what I had done was pretty douche. I hadn't even said my goodbyes to the others or even notified them of my leaving. Only Komui (and Yu who was sent to get what was needed) knew of my leaving and I had selfishly left for him to deal with the mess I had no doubt made. Not anything new, I took what I did and more from them only to leave without giving twice as much back. Yu's lips were slick with wetness from sweat gained from relentless training but no salt's imitating the sea ever ran down to meet them. Yu was hard as ever as he stared at me with cut throat consideration of the final dismiss. I hadn't realized it, but I was sizing him up as well.
Would he be okay?
Well, of course Yu would be. I figured he wear himself out enough to either accomplish the things he wanted or push himself so hard he wouldn't be able to tell himself he was already too dead to do anything.
….
I had laughed at him in a more quiet… expectant way while he had snorted like he remembered to be disgusted and we both turned away without a word.
Cut off without a second look back.
He had his duty and so did I.
…Looking at these words before I would like ta think there are some people who would like to go back in time to re live things. No I wouldn't have changed a thing…I'd just want to do it over again with the things I know now….
I guess back then if I had felt anything it would have gratitude. I guess in a sense Yu was my friend. A sort of relationship that was my taste of non messy normal between two unclean individuals who his a lot but were not much different from what ya saw, at least from my view point. He either didn't care or knew too well what my views were so he returned the favor of my leaving by doing the exact same thing I did. He took want he wanted and then left with no choppy ends.
Respect like that never came again for me.
I guess that may seem anti climatic or even cruel to some, but it was an end I think suited us. I probably could have even avoided this if I had just handed the Innocence to Hevlaska like I should have. But maybe I wanted something. A certain end, any end that seemed like an end. Yu was good at leaving ya if it suited him just like I was. So really in my view this end was perfect for me. It hadn't been too happy or sad but somehow the two had met to make it a clean one.
That was the end where not only the truth was exposed to someone but the whole story. Yu's cruelty as well as mine held no malice. It was just facts that caused us to meet halfway and acknowledge something bigger for each of us that needed our attention. I'd like to think Yu felt the same way, that's why as much as he had been allowed to feel towards me, he chose to go the route I understood the most. He hadn't done it for my sake, it's just the whole natural instinct of being Yu that did it.
In the end I guess that's what allowed me to finally get my clean ending.
I'm putting the pen down now (well not right now) and closing this chapter now. No doubt I'll see something new next time but still think of the same dry salt smell that signified the wanderlust that connected us both at the very end.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Notes*
I'm hoping the characterization was alright enough. I was trying to go at an angle the I thought would suit them alright in this type of story.