scorn of the gypsy
being back here caused me to look back at this time in my life. seeing pictures, expressions, lifestyles i know that i loved a gypsy girl once. a fascinating person of boundless creativity and panache. although, you might call JJ an infatuation kinda friendship.
i thought she was the only person i could talk to back then. she enabled me to live a duality from the path i had chosen. a life of, for and by art. i tried to skirt the world of Bohemia and Calcutta and in the end i guess she saw too much corporate styled rationalism in me that she almost literally and so intentionally threw a hay maker at me. this one two punch of happy birthday, go fuck yourself asshole. huh, i honestly think that was the meanest thing that anyone has ever done to me. a cold calculated puncture wound full of spite and malice.
regardless of that i loved her long afterward. because i loved that person i met in the late 90s who challenged and intrigued me. passion, poison and all.
thinking back of the world of art, I always felt like i could visit from time to time. but in hindsight i think it's something that craves to be lived in. you can't dip a toe, you shed your clothes and go skinny dipping in it.
for me, there's a mental blockage with doing that, i feel it right now. a consciousness that doesn't allow that. a brake brought forth by one of the more unique upbringings like that of the one i had. some sort of inability to let go of responsibility and abandon all rules. regardless, it wasn't my natural inclination.
i now think of life as a series of trade offs. you make choices that dictate what your life is. if you don't like it, make a different choice. if you're following your intuition more than everything else then you're being who you are.
i think that's it for my random rant. my wife called and distracted me. it's after 11 so i should probably go home and find something to eat. i have a full day tomorrow as well.
i'm mostly randomly commenting on twitter now. at R andy H arden
(avoiding the Googly spiders of the web)
to you, JJ
i miss you, but you're mean. you chose to cause me to suffer, on my birthday. even still i forgive you because the absence of pain feels so good and i still love myself more than you ever could. my heart is full of so much love and you allowed hate to live in yours. despite so many temptations in life to hate i never could allow that evil a darkness to consume me. so ha, i won. perhaps you're happy anyway, but i don't care. and frankly, you don't care what i think either. either way, you owe me an apology.
i thought she was the only person i could talk to back then. she enabled me to live a duality from the path i had chosen. a life of, for and by art. i tried to skirt the world of Bohemia and Calcutta and in the end i guess she saw too much corporate styled rationalism in me that she almost literally and so intentionally threw a hay maker at me. this one two punch of happy birthday, go fuck yourself asshole. huh, i honestly think that was the meanest thing that anyone has ever done to me. a cold calculated puncture wound full of spite and malice.
regardless of that i loved her long afterward. because i loved that person i met in the late 90s who challenged and intrigued me. passion, poison and all.
thinking back of the world of art, I always felt like i could visit from time to time. but in hindsight i think it's something that craves to be lived in. you can't dip a toe, you shed your clothes and go skinny dipping in it.
for me, there's a mental blockage with doing that, i feel it right now. a consciousness that doesn't allow that. a brake brought forth by one of the more unique upbringings like that of the one i had. some sort of inability to let go of responsibility and abandon all rules. regardless, it wasn't my natural inclination.
i now think of life as a series of trade offs. you make choices that dictate what your life is. if you don't like it, make a different choice. if you're following your intuition more than everything else then you're being who you are.
i think that's it for my random rant. my wife called and distracted me. it's after 11 so i should probably go home and find something to eat. i have a full day tomorrow as well.
i'm mostly randomly commenting on twitter now. at R andy H arden
(avoiding the Googly spiders of the web)
to you, JJ
i miss you, but you're mean. you chose to cause me to suffer, on my birthday. even still i forgive you because the absence of pain feels so good and i still love myself more than you ever could. my heart is full of so much love and you allowed hate to live in yours. despite so many temptations in life to hate i never could allow that evil a darkness to consume me. so ha, i won. perhaps you're happy anyway, but i don't care. and frankly, you don't care what i think either. either way, you owe me an apology.