Unknown Road
I am failing.
Of all my fears, this is one internal demon that I have yet to face head on without breaking down. I've had a loving and supportive family, a loyal friend base that has only uplifted me, and goals that have been reached for and attained. With all reason I should be happy with unabashed optimism, ready to take on the world. I've greeted sucess with open arms thus far in the areas of academics and employment and have been blessed with friendships and loved ones that give to me more than one could ever hope for. I have experienced love in many forms. I am healthy, smart and capable. There is one secret corner of my life however, that holds in its grip the one emotion that threatens oh so nearly as each day passes. I sit helpless as I watch the very sands of my life slip through my fingers, each grain dropping into a jar labeled boldly with that emotion.
Loneliness.
I'm not dumb. Drop dead beauty will never be my descriptor. Natural beauty doesn't make the cut either. And while I know it is the heart that one truly falls in love with, I am constantly aware that time is slipping away. My youth is fleeting. In a world where outer appearances trigger that initial step, I am scared stiff that no one will want to take the time to see past that part of me, and into my beyond. I long to be accepted for who I am right at this very moment, and I realize that whoever that person may be will do so. My fear overrides this lofty dream however, and I can't shirk the desperate need to better myself, to meet some kind of standard. I long for someone to come along and show me that I am complete and desirable just as I am. That I don't have to try and flatten my stomach, tone my arms, or straighten my teeth. I don't have to be knowledgeable in politics or be able to rock climb. I don't have to be the flirt, the valedictorian or voted best personality.
I want to know that I can be someone's completion being myself.
Throughout these 22 years I have perfected my way of life, crafting a sturdy persona of goals and passions. It's not news that I desire to have a relationship, the typical response coming as "I know it will come someday". These are the good days.
And there are also times, such as right now at 2 a.m., that I wonder at God's plan.
Of all my fears, this is one internal demon that I have yet to face head on without breaking down. I've had a loving and supportive family, a loyal friend base that has only uplifted me, and goals that have been reached for and attained. With all reason I should be happy with unabashed optimism, ready to take on the world. I've greeted sucess with open arms thus far in the areas of academics and employment and have been blessed with friendships and loved ones that give to me more than one could ever hope for. I have experienced love in many forms. I am healthy, smart and capable. There is one secret corner of my life however, that holds in its grip the one emotion that threatens oh so nearly as each day passes. I sit helpless as I watch the very sands of my life slip through my fingers, each grain dropping into a jar labeled boldly with that emotion.
Loneliness.
I'm not dumb. Drop dead beauty will never be my descriptor. Natural beauty doesn't make the cut either. And while I know it is the heart that one truly falls in love with, I am constantly aware that time is slipping away. My youth is fleeting. In a world where outer appearances trigger that initial step, I am scared stiff that no one will want to take the time to see past that part of me, and into my beyond. I long to be accepted for who I am right at this very moment, and I realize that whoever that person may be will do so. My fear overrides this lofty dream however, and I can't shirk the desperate need to better myself, to meet some kind of standard. I long for someone to come along and show me that I am complete and desirable just as I am. That I don't have to try and flatten my stomach, tone my arms, or straighten my teeth. I don't have to be knowledgeable in politics or be able to rock climb. I don't have to be the flirt, the valedictorian or voted best personality.
I want to know that I can be someone's completion being myself.
Throughout these 22 years I have perfected my way of life, crafting a sturdy persona of goals and passions. It's not news that I desire to have a relationship, the typical response coming as "I know it will come someday". These are the good days.
And there are also times, such as right now at 2 a.m., that I wonder at God's plan.