Each one's a great warrior Thought they were Captain Kirk
My healing warrior story has turned into a revolution story. See, I’m always fighting. Why am I cursed like this? The protagonist - sometimes an antagonist if you look at it from a different perspective - told me, “Listen, sweetie, there are more fights to fight. I can’t get all Dalia Lama yet.” No, she decided to get involved, or moreover be the catalyst for the coming revolution. Therefore, I am writing her adventure. So poor Max stays haunted by serial killer ghosts in Aberdeen, Wash. Until I can finish writing this Warrior story. Ugh. Although, I did pay attention to him for a little while yesterday. It was a horribly written scene, more of a brain dump again to get me to get him from one place to another. Suspension of disbelief must be held. But, I am learning that if anything slows down my writing it’s getting characters from point A to point B
I still have not journaled regarding my 15 year old and his instability and the havoc his mental illness brings on this family. I will do that today, may haps. It may have to wait until next Monday, however, as there will be many people around and I may not get privacy to do it. His mental illness shows in everything he does now and it is distressing. It dawned on me last night that there is a good chance (and I need to prepare myself for it) that he will do nothing but get more ill as he grows older. The cavernous dark places in my heart have nothing good to say about any of it. It is the deepest sadness I have every felt.
I am trying to focus on just the small positive moments he has for now, although, I have yet to see one this week.
I wanted to have a family activity of personalizing (modding/DIY/whatever you call it) gratefulness journals and my spouse shot me down. It think I still may buy the supplies and anyone can join me. I’m going to do these pages in the morning and do three pages of gratefulness each night before bed. I have to find some entrenched joy - dig for it like I’m a goddamn secret miner. I am paralyzed when I feel helpless and hopeless. I cannot create. I have to have some hope. Considering I write such evilness (mostly), it’s an odd pairing, I know.
Had a long talk with my spouse yesterday about his anger, no, wrath that he still struggles with. He loses his patience (what very little there is of it) so easily. He wants to do something about it, but every suggestion I make he dismisses as then allowing people to walk all over him. My expression that you can be angry, but how you express it was completely missed. But, I basically told him, he’s an adult, he has to figure it out for himself then since my suggestions are seemingly bunk. I could see him trying hard to control his anger yesterday afternoon, but this morning, he’s right back at it. And he doesn’t do tough guy well, sometimes it just comes off as if he’s some spoiled rotten kid. Which makes me examine that many Americans are the same way. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good man in so, so many ways. But he is human - and that, in his mind is his failing, which is not something he can control. His wrath coloring many of his interactions, the way he sees the rest of the world, it is his biggest and most unattractive flaw. He can be angry with the rest of the world. I do not care; but, inside the walls of the house and with his family. No doing, mister.
Today I am going to try to stick to my schedule. I will attempt to do that which is important. The unimportant stuff (laundry) will always be there.
Meditate
Yoga
Go pick up curtain panels for living room window (this is a big deal and will finally look nice at Thanksgiving - and let me tell you shopping for window treatments is about my least favorite thing to do.)
Therapy
One load of laundry successfully, washed, folded and put away (anything else is bonus)
Bake Apple Pie
Operation Freelance (Do HfCW work - about :15 worth!)
Operation Organization (Hall Closet)
Write (Revolution or Tanner’s Landing, don’t stop until you get 5k words, okay 2k)
Read (finishing Sugar in my Bowl / SH5 - whatever I’m in the mood for)
On today’s Soundtrack:
This song takes me back to Europe every single time. I had fun pretending to fit into the EuroTrash crowd. Oh those days full of wavy-eyed trips.
This entry was originally posted at http://caszabrewin.dreamwidth.org/24867.html. Please comment there using OpenID.
I still have not journaled regarding my 15 year old and his instability and the havoc his mental illness brings on this family. I will do that today, may haps. It may have to wait until next Monday, however, as there will be many people around and I may not get privacy to do it. His mental illness shows in everything he does now and it is distressing. It dawned on me last night that there is a good chance (and I need to prepare myself for it) that he will do nothing but get more ill as he grows older. The cavernous dark places in my heart have nothing good to say about any of it. It is the deepest sadness I have every felt.
I am trying to focus on just the small positive moments he has for now, although, I have yet to see one this week.
I wanted to have a family activity of personalizing (modding/DIY/whatever you call it) gratefulness journals and my spouse shot me down. It think I still may buy the supplies and anyone can join me. I’m going to do these pages in the morning and do three pages of gratefulness each night before bed. I have to find some entrenched joy - dig for it like I’m a goddamn secret miner. I am paralyzed when I feel helpless and hopeless. I cannot create. I have to have some hope. Considering I write such evilness (mostly), it’s an odd pairing, I know.
Had a long talk with my spouse yesterday about his anger, no, wrath that he still struggles with. He loses his patience (what very little there is of it) so easily. He wants to do something about it, but every suggestion I make he dismisses as then allowing people to walk all over him. My expression that you can be angry, but how you express it was completely missed. But, I basically told him, he’s an adult, he has to figure it out for himself then since my suggestions are seemingly bunk. I could see him trying hard to control his anger yesterday afternoon, but this morning, he’s right back at it. And he doesn’t do tough guy well, sometimes it just comes off as if he’s some spoiled rotten kid. Which makes me examine that many Americans are the same way. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a good man in so, so many ways. But he is human - and that, in his mind is his failing, which is not something he can control. His wrath coloring many of his interactions, the way he sees the rest of the world, it is his biggest and most unattractive flaw. He can be angry with the rest of the world. I do not care; but, inside the walls of the house and with his family. No doing, mister.
Today I am going to try to stick to my schedule. I will attempt to do that which is important. The unimportant stuff (laundry) will always be there.
Meditate
Yoga
Go pick up curtain panels for living room window (this is a big deal and will finally look nice at Thanksgiving - and let me tell you shopping for window treatments is about my least favorite thing to do.)
Therapy
One load of laundry successfully, washed, folded and put away (anything else is bonus)
Bake Apple Pie
Operation Freelance (Do HfCW work - about :15 worth!)
Operation Organization (Hall Closet)
Write (Revolution or Tanner’s Landing, don’t stop until you get 5k words, okay 2k)
Read (finishing Sugar in my Bowl / SH5 - whatever I’m in the mood for)
On today’s Soundtrack:
This song takes me back to Europe every single time. I had fun pretending to fit into the EuroTrash crowd. Oh those days full of wavy-eyed trips.
This entry was originally posted at http://caszabrewin.dreamwidth.org/24867.html. Please comment there using OpenID.