[Fic] the element of surprise
Fandom: Parks and Recreation
Characters/Pairings: ensemble
Word count: 1.3K
Rating: PG
Author's note: This is for courtknees1, for the Li'l Sebastian challenge slash activity. Merry belated Christmas! Happy (less) belated Australia Day! I hadn't planned on writing a Christmas story in January, but when sullen_aquarian put out a call for pinch hitters I decided your prompt was too good to pass up. Special thanks to saucydiva, popgurlie, and stillscape, magical otherworldly canaries all.
LESLIE (to camera): Welcome to the annual Secret Santa, hosted by me, for the members of the Parks and Recreation Department of the great city of Pawnee! Plus Ann and Ben, because they’re the best and I badgered them into it. We’re just waiting for Jerry to be done wrapping the presents. (she waves a sheet of festive red and green wrapping paper at the camera) I know people usually bring their gifts already wrapped to Secret Santa, but I like to wrap them all myself so I can use the same wrapping paper for everyone’s. That way, it’s harder to guess which present is from who! Except one year I shook a present to guess at what was inside and it turned out to be a glass centerpiece, which broke. So now it’s Jerry’s job.
Behind her the members of the Parks department, plus Ann and Ben, are gathered, chatting and munching on snacks. Jerry comes out of the conference room, lugging a basket filled with gifts. Everyone swamps him, then retreats to open their gifts.
Donna grabs her gift and brushes past Tom, who’s surreptitiously positioning himself under the mistletoe.
DONNA: Hope you like your gift, Tommy.
TOM: Ooh, my gift is from you?
DONNA: Sure is. I know you’ve cut back on luxury items ever since you started your new business, so I got you something practical, but with a little flair. You don’t want to completely drop your swag; it’s not good for business.
Tom excitedly tears into his package to find a laptop bag cheerfully emblazoned with “GIRL” in bright pink letters. He stares at it quizzically for a moment before turning to find Donna, who is already halfway across the room, digging into her own gift with one well-manicured fingernail. The camera zooms in on her.
DONNA: I’ve been dropping hints all week, and after the stress of the holidays? I’m looking forward to a nice, relaxing spa treatment.
Donna reaches into the package and pulls out … a pair of pink fluffy socks.
DONNA: What the -?
Across the room Jerry piles his plate with sugar cookies as April sweeps by.
APRIL: So, Jerry, like your present?
JERRY (in a low voice): My present’s from you?
APRIL: No, it’s from Santa.
JERRY: It’s - I don’t understand -
APRIL: Don’t even deny it, Jerry. It’s perfect for you. You practically announced to the whole office what you wanted last week.
JERRY: Yes, but -
April breezes off, heading for Andy.
JERRY (in a whisper): But I asked for socks. Not underwear.
The door to Ron’s office slams open, rattling loudly. Everyone looks.
RON (yelling): Which one of you hare-brained dolts gifted me a spa treatment and a manicure?!
Across the room Andy holds something up.
ANDY: Guys, I think a game is the foot. This is supposed to be Leslie’s present. I know because I got it for her.
All eyes land on Jerry, who’s munching contentedly on a sugar cookie, his package of underwear lying forgotten beside him.
LESLIE (warningly): Jerry?
Jerry thinks for a moment, cookie held in mid-air, then winces, looking apologetically at his colleagues.
JERRY: Oh geez, I’m really sorry guys. I thought I double-checked, but it’s possible that I might have mixed up the name tags.
Across the room April hastily shoves a Taylor Swift CD back into her package.
We cut to b-roll footage of talking heads.
Inside Leslie and Ben’s new house. Ben’s seated at the dining room table, methodically inserting AA batteries into a toy gun with flashing red and blue lights. On the table in from of him are an identical gun and two navy blue vests dotted with sensors.
BEN: I got Andy a set of laser tag equipment. He seems pretty enthusiastic about getting hands-on gun experience for his police training, and even though I’m no longer living with him and April, I’d rather they didn’t put a bunch of bullet holes through the walls.
Inside Ann’s living room. Ann sits on her couch, a patchwork quilt tucked under her knees.
ANN: I got Donna a certificate to Pawnee Spa … I mean, it feels a little impersonal, giving someone a gift certificate. That’s supposed to be a gifting no-no, right? But she’s been dropping hints, and I’d rather give her something that she’ll actually use, even if it’s not particularly creative. (she shrugs) That’s what I’d want to get, anyway.
Inside Ron’s office. He is drinking the Congratu-Christmas whiskey Leslie left him. A wrinkled slip of paper on his desk reads “Ann” in flowing script.
RON: I noticed that Perkins’ computer bag was wearing out, so I purchased her a new one from Food ‘n Stuff. It’s even monogrammed on one side.
Ron flips over the laptop bag to reveal “G I R L” stitched in bright pink letters.
Inside Ben and Leslie’s house. She sits on the ground, holding a wooden rectangular box in her hands. A plethora of candy cane wrappers surround her. She is bouncing slightly.
LESLIE: This beauty here is the Wake ‘n Bacon. I saw the concept online so I commissioned one of the guys from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association to make it. You place one raw slice of bacon into it before bed, set the alarm, and voila…
The device beeps and a compartment slides open, revealing a slice of fresh-cooked bacon, steam wafting toward the ceiling.
LESLIE (beams): Cool, right? Ron hates alarm clocks, but I think he might not mind waking to the smell of cooked bacon.
Inside April and Andy’s living room. The place is messier than it’s ever been - there are frisbees piled in the corner, remnants of food still on them.
ANDY: I got Leslie for Secret Santa, and since she’s moving into a new house with Ben, I wanted to get her some furniture. ‘Cuz Ben doesn’t have any and Leslie’s is all condemned or something. But it turns out real furniture is really expensive. It’s like two hundred bucks for a couch.
APRIL: Two thousand.
ANDY: Right. So I got her this waffle iron thing that makes waffles in the shapes of sofas and lamps and furniture stuff. Get it? Because Leslie loves waffles. And she needs furniture. It’s like a metaphor. April was the one who found it online, actually. Right, babe?
APRIL: No, I didn’t. (she thumps him on the chest) I got Jerry for Secret Santa, and he’s always saying he’s glad just to get socks. So I got him socks.
She holds up a bright pink pair.
Inside the Parks office. Donna sits at her desk, tapping away on her phone.
DONNA: Usually I have no problem shopping for Tom. But ever since he started Rent-A-Swag, he’s all concerned about things like price and utility and prioritizing practicality over comfort. (she looks unimpressed) It’s like I don’t even know him anymore. But then I thought: why can’t you have both? So I got him a gorgeous leather-covered keyboard and some gold-plated staples. Just because he’s running a financially-conscious business now doesn’t mean he’s gotta abandon his roots. Plus, no teenager’s going to frequent an establishment that doesn’t scream cool.
There are muffled voices from behind the camera.
DONNA: Yeah, I have them with me. No, I’m not going to pull them out and show you. I’m in the middle of something here.
Inside Tom and Leslie’s office. Tom is playing Angry Birds on his phone, feet propped up on his desk.
TOM: So I got Ben for Secret Santa, which sucks, because he likes nerd stuff. At first, I was going to get him something fly from Brooks Brothers Boys, spiff him up a bit, you know? But he’s a lost cause. You could revamp his entire wardrobe and he’d still wear plaid on plaid on plaid. So I got him nerd undies instead.
He reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a pack of boxers plastered with the Batman logo.
In the corridor outside the Parks department. Jerry is shuffling a stack of folders.
JERRY: I got April a CD. Uh, I think it’s called Red? It’s by this sweet girl called Taylor Swift. Gladys says she’s all the rage with her friends right now. I hope April likes it, I don’t really know what kind of music she listens to.
-FIN-
Author's note, part 2: All the gifts mentioned in the story are real items! Here is the Wake 'n Bacon, and here is the waffle furniture maker. A bunch of the gifts I got from the Parks and Rec pinterest page, which you should check out if you want to be entertained for a few minutes. The hot tub boat is totally something Donna would own.
Characters/Pairings: ensemble
Word count: 1.3K
Rating: PG
Author's note: This is for courtknees1, for the Li'l Sebastian challenge slash activity. Merry belated Christmas! Happy (less) belated Australia Day! I hadn't planned on writing a Christmas story in January, but when sullen_aquarian put out a call for pinch hitters I decided your prompt was too good to pass up. Special thanks to saucydiva, popgurlie, and stillscape, magical otherworldly canaries all.
LESLIE (to camera): Welcome to the annual Secret Santa, hosted by me, for the members of the Parks and Recreation Department of the great city of Pawnee! Plus Ann and Ben, because they’re the best and I badgered them into it. We’re just waiting for Jerry to be done wrapping the presents. (she waves a sheet of festive red and green wrapping paper at the camera) I know people usually bring their gifts already wrapped to Secret Santa, but I like to wrap them all myself so I can use the same wrapping paper for everyone’s. That way, it’s harder to guess which present is from who! Except one year I shook a present to guess at what was inside and it turned out to be a glass centerpiece, which broke. So now it’s Jerry’s job.
Behind her the members of the Parks department, plus Ann and Ben, are gathered, chatting and munching on snacks. Jerry comes out of the conference room, lugging a basket filled with gifts. Everyone swamps him, then retreats to open their gifts.
Donna grabs her gift and brushes past Tom, who’s surreptitiously positioning himself under the mistletoe.
DONNA: Hope you like your gift, Tommy.
TOM: Ooh, my gift is from you?
DONNA: Sure is. I know you’ve cut back on luxury items ever since you started your new business, so I got you something practical, but with a little flair. You don’t want to completely drop your swag; it’s not good for business.
Tom excitedly tears into his package to find a laptop bag cheerfully emblazoned with “GIRL” in bright pink letters. He stares at it quizzically for a moment before turning to find Donna, who is already halfway across the room, digging into her own gift with one well-manicured fingernail. The camera zooms in on her.
DONNA: I’ve been dropping hints all week, and after the stress of the holidays? I’m looking forward to a nice, relaxing spa treatment.
Donna reaches into the package and pulls out … a pair of pink fluffy socks.
DONNA: What the -?
Across the room Jerry piles his plate with sugar cookies as April sweeps by.
APRIL: So, Jerry, like your present?
JERRY (in a low voice): My present’s from you?
APRIL: No, it’s from Santa.
JERRY: It’s - I don’t understand -
APRIL: Don’t even deny it, Jerry. It’s perfect for you. You practically announced to the whole office what you wanted last week.
JERRY: Yes, but -
April breezes off, heading for Andy.
JERRY (in a whisper): But I asked for socks. Not underwear.
The door to Ron’s office slams open, rattling loudly. Everyone looks.
RON (yelling): Which one of you hare-brained dolts gifted me a spa treatment and a manicure?!
Across the room Andy holds something up.
ANDY: Guys, I think a game is the foot. This is supposed to be Leslie’s present. I know because I got it for her.
All eyes land on Jerry, who’s munching contentedly on a sugar cookie, his package of underwear lying forgotten beside him.
LESLIE (warningly): Jerry?
Jerry thinks for a moment, cookie held in mid-air, then winces, looking apologetically at his colleagues.
JERRY: Oh geez, I’m really sorry guys. I thought I double-checked, but it’s possible that I might have mixed up the name tags.
Across the room April hastily shoves a Taylor Swift CD back into her package.
We cut to b-roll footage of talking heads.
Inside Leslie and Ben’s new house. Ben’s seated at the dining room table, methodically inserting AA batteries into a toy gun with flashing red and blue lights. On the table in from of him are an identical gun and two navy blue vests dotted with sensors.
BEN: I got Andy a set of laser tag equipment. He seems pretty enthusiastic about getting hands-on gun experience for his police training, and even though I’m no longer living with him and April, I’d rather they didn’t put a bunch of bullet holes through the walls.
Inside Ann’s living room. Ann sits on her couch, a patchwork quilt tucked under her knees.
ANN: I got Donna a certificate to Pawnee Spa … I mean, it feels a little impersonal, giving someone a gift certificate. That’s supposed to be a gifting no-no, right? But she’s been dropping hints, and I’d rather give her something that she’ll actually use, even if it’s not particularly creative. (she shrugs) That’s what I’d want to get, anyway.
Inside Ron’s office. He is drinking the Congratu-Christmas whiskey Leslie left him. A wrinkled slip of paper on his desk reads “Ann” in flowing script.
RON: I noticed that Perkins’ computer bag was wearing out, so I purchased her a new one from Food ‘n Stuff. It’s even monogrammed on one side.
Ron flips over the laptop bag to reveal “G I R L” stitched in bright pink letters.
Inside Ben and Leslie’s house. She sits on the ground, holding a wooden rectangular box in her hands. A plethora of candy cane wrappers surround her. She is bouncing slightly.
LESLIE: This beauty here is the Wake ‘n Bacon. I saw the concept online so I commissioned one of the guys from the Indiana Fine Woodworking Association to make it. You place one raw slice of bacon into it before bed, set the alarm, and voila…
The device beeps and a compartment slides open, revealing a slice of fresh-cooked bacon, steam wafting toward the ceiling.
LESLIE (beams): Cool, right? Ron hates alarm clocks, but I think he might not mind waking to the smell of cooked bacon.
Inside April and Andy’s living room. The place is messier than it’s ever been - there are frisbees piled in the corner, remnants of food still on them.
ANDY: I got Leslie for Secret Santa, and since she’s moving into a new house with Ben, I wanted to get her some furniture. ‘Cuz Ben doesn’t have any and Leslie’s is all condemned or something. But it turns out real furniture is really expensive. It’s like two hundred bucks for a couch.
APRIL: Two thousand.
ANDY: Right. So I got her this waffle iron thing that makes waffles in the shapes of sofas and lamps and furniture stuff. Get it? Because Leslie loves waffles. And she needs furniture. It’s like a metaphor. April was the one who found it online, actually. Right, babe?
APRIL: No, I didn’t. (she thumps him on the chest) I got Jerry for Secret Santa, and he’s always saying he’s glad just to get socks. So I got him socks.
She holds up a bright pink pair.
Inside the Parks office. Donna sits at her desk, tapping away on her phone.
DONNA: Usually I have no problem shopping for Tom. But ever since he started Rent-A-Swag, he’s all concerned about things like price and utility and prioritizing practicality over comfort. (she looks unimpressed) It’s like I don’t even know him anymore. But then I thought: why can’t you have both? So I got him a gorgeous leather-covered keyboard and some gold-plated staples. Just because he’s running a financially-conscious business now doesn’t mean he’s gotta abandon his roots. Plus, no teenager’s going to frequent an establishment that doesn’t scream cool.
There are muffled voices from behind the camera.
DONNA: Yeah, I have them with me. No, I’m not going to pull them out and show you. I’m in the middle of something here.
Inside Tom and Leslie’s office. Tom is playing Angry Birds on his phone, feet propped up on his desk.
TOM: So I got Ben for Secret Santa, which sucks, because he likes nerd stuff. At first, I was going to get him something fly from Brooks Brothers Boys, spiff him up a bit, you know? But he’s a lost cause. You could revamp his entire wardrobe and he’d still wear plaid on plaid on plaid. So I got him nerd undies instead.
He reaches into his desk drawer and pulls out a pack of boxers plastered with the Batman logo.
In the corridor outside the Parks department. Jerry is shuffling a stack of folders.
JERRY: I got April a CD. Uh, I think it’s called Red? It’s by this sweet girl called Taylor Swift. Gladys says she’s all the rage with her friends right now. I hope April likes it, I don’t really know what kind of music she listens to.
-FIN-
Author's note, part 2: All the gifts mentioned in the story are real items! Here is the Wake 'n Bacon, and here is the waffle furniture maker. A bunch of the gifts I got from the Parks and Rec pinterest page, which you should check out if you want to be entertained for a few minutes. The hot tub boat is totally something Donna would own.