a play about muffins
This Amy Poehler quote about Tartuffe reminded me of high school English which reminded me of this play my friends and I wrote senior year. We mashed together some of the works we had to read that year into what is basically crossover crackfic. No footage, but I dug up the script. Just re-reading it makes me giggle.
(I was Oedipus, by the way.)
CAST
DOGBERRY (Much Ado About Nothing)
OEDIPUS (Antigone)
CLAUDIUS (Hamlet)
RASKOLNIKOV (Crime and Punishment)
ALGERNON (The Importance of Being Earnest)
LOUSE (Crime and Punishment and also the Princess Bride, kinda)
Heathcliffrow Airport, London. A small room near security.
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Attention all passengers. The national government has declared Heathcliffrow Airport under security threat level orange. All passengers are advised not to leave their baggage unattended under any circumstances, and to report any suspicious activities and unattended baggage to airport authorities. Thank you for your cooperation.
Enter ALGY, holding a plate of muffins. Enter DOGBERRY, followed by: OEDIPUS, who is blind and constantly bumping into things; CLAUDIUS, carrying vials; and RASKOLNIKOV, with an axe inside his jacket. Throughout the following RASKOLNIKOV maintains a constant muttering under his breath, in Russian.
CLAUDIUS
But why dost thou detain us, arrant knave?
DOGBERRY
Pray write down that I am an “arrant knave.”
ALGY
They’ve all been handcuffed, they can’t write. Although I really don’t see why any of them need to be handcuffed--a demented king, a Russian, and a blind man.
OEDIPUS
I too was once a king. Great Oedipus, powerful King of Thebes. I was the man surest in mortal ways, and wisest in the ways of God. And now I am the great wreck and hell of Oedipus, whom the gods hate.
CLAUDIUS
Ah, Oedipus, I heard of you in school:
’Twas you inspirèd me to seek the throne.
OEDIPUS
And both usurpers, we have looked the fool.
Argh, wherefore speak I in iambic pentameter? Claudius, you are contagious.
DOGBERRY
Gentlemen, cease and desist. And you--
RASKOLNIKOV
I am no Jew.
DOGBERRY
Signor Moncrieff, let it be written that he is no Jew. A murder has concurred. You have all been abstained here that we may make investigation into the murder of one Signore Bunbury. The authorities of Heathcliffrow Airport hath declined you all suspects.
CLAUDIUS
What outrage, this! I have a plane to catch
For the Beijing Olympics fencing match.
OEDIPUS
I too would loathe to miss the Olympics. I come from long years of exile to breathe the air of my native Greece.
RASKOLNIKOV
Greece? The Olympics are in China this year. Are you uneducated?
OEDIPUS (turning in the wrong direction)
What Russian dares tell me this?
RASKOLNIKOV
Raskolnikov, a student. Or former student, since I can no longer support myself. (A LOUSE walks in) A louse! (HE lunges to attack the LOUSE, forgetting HE is handcuffed. OEDIPUS, caught unawares, falls, dragging RASKOLNIKOV and CLAUDIUS to the floor and knocking over the plate of muffins)
ALGY
My muffins! This Russian ragamuffin toppled my muffins! These lower classes get clumsier by the minute. Really, if they don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?
OEDIPUS
Muffins there were and none thought to tell me? Oh, how I have fallen from grace--I, the king of Thebes, who once might have commanded Hermes himself to deliver me muffins!
DOGBERRY
Order! Order! We must commend this investigation. We have before us three defects: Oedipus, former King of Thebes, Claudius, former King of Denmark, and Raskolnikov, former student.
RASKOLNIKOV
I am innocent. I only killed a louse! A nasty, vile, pernicious louse!
ALGY
You missed the louse, you dolt.
DOGBERRY
Unless he means a different louse. What louse mean you, knave?
RASKOLNIKOV
The louse that was here a moment ago. The L.O.U.S.
DOGBERRY
Pray write down L.O.U.--L.O.U.S.?
RASKOLNIKOV
Louse of unusual size.
CLAUDIUS
L.O.U.S.? But those do not exist.
ALGY
Good Lord, it’s back!
RASKOLNIKOV (grabbing the LOUSE and pulling out HIS axe)
I must get rid of it! But am I really capable of that? Is that something serious? No, not serious at all. I am just toying with it. A plaything. (HE whacks the LOUSE with the axe) Minus one!
DOGBERRY
Minus one? This is not a math conference! I must integrate each of you defects! (to RASKOLNIKOV) Go get thee to the integrating room!
(Throughout the integration of RASKOLNIKOV, OEDIPUS stumbles around in search of muffins, muttering about muffins and HIS fall from grace)
ALGY
We are in the interrogating room. Really, if one doesn’t know where one is…
DOGBERRY
Let it be written that I do not know where I am, and moreover that we are in the integrating room! Yea, marry, let this student come before me.
CLAUDIUS (to DOGBERRY)
There’s something in his soul o’er which his melancholy sits on brood…
DOGBERRY (glaring suspiciously at CLAUDIUS, then turning back to RASKOLNIKOV)
Where were you this afternoon?
RASKOLNIKOV
I was at security for three hours. They suspected me more than usual because I’m Russian.
CLAUDIUS
Or else because you had an axe in hand.
RASKOLNIKOV
Ah! I just knew it! Some stupid thing like that, some trivial detail, can ruin the whole scheme!
ALGY
Personally, I think trivialities are the only things worth talking about at all. Anyone who pays attention to anything remotely nontrivial is shallow.
DOGBERRY (pointing at RASKOLNIKOV)
Aha, you had a scheme! You must be guilty! Guilty of flat murder as ever was committed! Thou wouldst be condemned into everlasting redemption for this!
RASKOLNIKOV (panicking)
I only killed a louse, a nasty, vile, pernicious louse! (More calmly, dropping the Russian accent) Besides, I can only reach redemption if I embrace suffering.
CLAUDIUS
O, suffering there shall be, dirty skunk
When this interrogation thou dost flunk.
OEDIPUS (bumping into ALGY and snatching a muffin)
Ah, a muffin! Alas, poor consolation, but it is all the consolation left to a ruined king. (HE attempts to eat the muffin, but ALGY swipes it)
RASKOLNIKOV
You have no right to keep me here! (HE begins to run away and faints)
ALGY
It escapes me why he was trying to escape, we are on the fourth floor.
CLAUDIUS
The knave betrays his guilt in fainting thus.
DOGBERRY
Nay, an you be cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to. Pray write down, “Integration of Claudius, former king of Denmark.” What keep you in that vial?
CLAUDIUS
‘Tis only juice, of apples ripe and sweet
As that which Eve and Adam once did eat.
DOGBERRY
Well, you are not admitted liquids in containers of more than three ounces on a plane, so I shall obfuscate your vial. (brief struggle; DOGBERRY prevails)
CLAUDIUS
Alack, my vial has been snatched away!
My soul is full of discord and dismay.
DOGBERRY
Whence comes this discord and dismay if it be not from your guilty continence?
OEDIPUS
Ah, if there be a guilty conscience in this room, it is mine! After exposing the rankness of my own guilt, how could I look man frankly in the eyes?
DOGBERRY
Ah, the murderer has confessed! I depose a toast to justice! (HE drinks from the vial, clutches stomach) Ah, I am murdered! (Keels over dead. Suddenly remembers and sits up) Let it be written that I am murdered! (Falls back down)
ALGY
How terribly distasteful death is in person! It’s much more romantic as a hypothetical. If I were you (pointing at OEDIPUS, jerking plate away) this would turn me quite off my muffins. But when I am in really great trouble, I refuse everything except food and drink. (HE resumes scarfing down muffins)
CLAUDIUS
Alas, my drink hath poisonèd this man.
Ah, my offense is rank, it smells to heaven!
O limed soul, that, struggling to be free,
Art more engaged! Help, angels! Make assay;
Bow, stubborn knees, and let my spirit pray.
(HE kneels to pray)
RASKOLNIKOV (Beginning to wake up)
The walls are spinning! …The walls are yellow! …Ah, what a nightmare. I dreamed I was on a square foot of land.
ALGY
When one has dreams, it is a sign of either inspiration or imbecility. When one has nightmares, it is a sign of indigestion. He didn’t eat one of these muffins, did he?
RASKOLNIKOV (Getting up and sniffing)
Something smells to heaven.
OEDIPUS
It’s his offense, thus he spoke.
RASKOLNIKOV
I cannot stand it anymore! I will rid the world of this vile odor! (Raises axe over CLAUDIUS’ head. OEDIPUS stumbles into RASKOLNIKOV and deflects the axe to one side) Blin! Durak!
CLAUDIUS (emerging abruptly from HIS reverie)
There’s such divinity doth hedge a king
That treason can but peep to what it would.
RASKOLNIKOV
I cannot commit treason, I am no subject of yours!
CLAUDIUS
Thou arrant knave! This deed thou shalt regret!
Thy liberty is full of threats to all!
Guards!
RASKOLNIKOV
Ahh! I only killed a louse, a nasty, vile, pernicious louse! (Runs into the corner and starts muttering in Russian. Awkward pause as no one comes)
ALGY
No doubt the guards are asleep. It is a wonder to me how many public service employees are paid to sleep. I had half a mind to enter the public service myself, but Aunt Augusta wouldn’t hear of it.
CLAUDIUS
Hath royalty no longer any worth?
OEDIPUS
O, have you too fallen from grace? Take my hand, we shall grieve together.
CLAUDIUS
I shall not take the hand of one so blind
That even Algy’s muffins he can’t find. (ALGY snorts)
OEDIPUS (hears snort, turns around)
Aha! My moment has come!
(HE grabs the last muffin and bites with great pleasure)
The gods smile upon me!
ALGY
How perfectly heartless of you to be eating my muffins at a time like this. You know I have suffered a terrible bereavement today, the death of poor Bunbury, and by consequence the end of my freedom. And none of you even has the decency to stand up and take responsibility for somebody else’s actions. I think it’s the least you could do under the circumstances!
RASKOLNIKOV
Somebody else’s actions?
ALGY
Yes, I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean, he died this afternoon.
CLAUDIUS
So as the culprit thou dost stand revealed!
Pray tell how thou accomplished this foul deed.
ALGY
Oh, Bunbury was quite exploded. I simply slipped a hand grenade into his pocket and pulled the pin.
RASKOLNIKOV
Ah, so it is because of you that we have been here so long!
(axes ALGY)
Now let us catch our plane.
All leave.
THE END
(I was Oedipus, by the way.)
CAST
DOGBERRY (Much Ado About Nothing)
OEDIPUS (Antigone)
CLAUDIUS (Hamlet)
RASKOLNIKOV (Crime and Punishment)
ALGERNON (The Importance of Being Earnest)
LOUSE (Crime and Punishment and also the Princess Bride, kinda)
Heathcliffrow Airport, London. A small room near security.
OFFSTAGE VOICE
Attention all passengers. The national government has declared Heathcliffrow Airport under security threat level orange. All passengers are advised not to leave their baggage unattended under any circumstances, and to report any suspicious activities and unattended baggage to airport authorities. Thank you for your cooperation.
Enter ALGY, holding a plate of muffins. Enter DOGBERRY, followed by: OEDIPUS, who is blind and constantly bumping into things; CLAUDIUS, carrying vials; and RASKOLNIKOV, with an axe inside his jacket. Throughout the following RASKOLNIKOV maintains a constant muttering under his breath, in Russian.
CLAUDIUS
But why dost thou detain us, arrant knave?
DOGBERRY
Pray write down that I am an “arrant knave.”
ALGY
They’ve all been handcuffed, they can’t write. Although I really don’t see why any of them need to be handcuffed--a demented king, a Russian, and a blind man.
OEDIPUS
I too was once a king. Great Oedipus, powerful King of Thebes. I was the man surest in mortal ways, and wisest in the ways of God. And now I am the great wreck and hell of Oedipus, whom the gods hate.
CLAUDIUS
Ah, Oedipus, I heard of you in school:
’Twas you inspirèd me to seek the throne.
OEDIPUS
And both usurpers, we have looked the fool.
Argh, wherefore speak I in iambic pentameter? Claudius, you are contagious.
DOGBERRY
Gentlemen, cease and desist. And you--
RASKOLNIKOV
I am no Jew.
DOGBERRY
Signor Moncrieff, let it be written that he is no Jew. A murder has concurred. You have all been abstained here that we may make investigation into the murder of one Signore Bunbury. The authorities of Heathcliffrow Airport hath declined you all suspects.
CLAUDIUS
What outrage, this! I have a plane to catch
For the Beijing Olympics fencing match.
OEDIPUS
I too would loathe to miss the Olympics. I come from long years of exile to breathe the air of my native Greece.
RASKOLNIKOV
Greece? The Olympics are in China this year. Are you uneducated?
OEDIPUS (turning in the wrong direction)
What Russian dares tell me this?
RASKOLNIKOV
Raskolnikov, a student. Or former student, since I can no longer support myself. (A LOUSE walks in) A louse! (HE lunges to attack the LOUSE, forgetting HE is handcuffed. OEDIPUS, caught unawares, falls, dragging RASKOLNIKOV and CLAUDIUS to the floor and knocking over the plate of muffins)
ALGY
My muffins! This Russian ragamuffin toppled my muffins! These lower classes get clumsier by the minute. Really, if they don’t set us a good example, what on earth is the use of them?
OEDIPUS
Muffins there were and none thought to tell me? Oh, how I have fallen from grace--I, the king of Thebes, who once might have commanded Hermes himself to deliver me muffins!
DOGBERRY
Order! Order! We must commend this investigation. We have before us three defects: Oedipus, former King of Thebes, Claudius, former King of Denmark, and Raskolnikov, former student.
RASKOLNIKOV
I am innocent. I only killed a louse! A nasty, vile, pernicious louse!
ALGY
You missed the louse, you dolt.
DOGBERRY
Unless he means a different louse. What louse mean you, knave?
RASKOLNIKOV
The louse that was here a moment ago. The L.O.U.S.
DOGBERRY
Pray write down L.O.U.--L.O.U.S.?
RASKOLNIKOV
Louse of unusual size.
CLAUDIUS
L.O.U.S.? But those do not exist.
ALGY
Good Lord, it’s back!
RASKOLNIKOV (grabbing the LOUSE and pulling out HIS axe)
I must get rid of it! But am I really capable of that? Is that something serious? No, not serious at all. I am just toying with it. A plaything. (HE whacks the LOUSE with the axe) Minus one!
DOGBERRY
Minus one? This is not a math conference! I must integrate each of you defects! (to RASKOLNIKOV) Go get thee to the integrating room!
(Throughout the integration of RASKOLNIKOV, OEDIPUS stumbles around in search of muffins, muttering about muffins and HIS fall from grace)
ALGY
We are in the interrogating room. Really, if one doesn’t know where one is…
DOGBERRY
Let it be written that I do not know where I am, and moreover that we are in the integrating room! Yea, marry, let this student come before me.
CLAUDIUS (to DOGBERRY)
There’s something in his soul o’er which his melancholy sits on brood…
DOGBERRY (glaring suspiciously at CLAUDIUS, then turning back to RASKOLNIKOV)
Where were you this afternoon?
RASKOLNIKOV
I was at security for three hours. They suspected me more than usual because I’m Russian.
CLAUDIUS
Or else because you had an axe in hand.
RASKOLNIKOV
Ah! I just knew it! Some stupid thing like that, some trivial detail, can ruin the whole scheme!
ALGY
Personally, I think trivialities are the only things worth talking about at all. Anyone who pays attention to anything remotely nontrivial is shallow.
DOGBERRY (pointing at RASKOLNIKOV)
Aha, you had a scheme! You must be guilty! Guilty of flat murder as ever was committed! Thou wouldst be condemned into everlasting redemption for this!
RASKOLNIKOV (panicking)
I only killed a louse, a nasty, vile, pernicious louse! (More calmly, dropping the Russian accent) Besides, I can only reach redemption if I embrace suffering.
CLAUDIUS
O, suffering there shall be, dirty skunk
When this interrogation thou dost flunk.
OEDIPUS (bumping into ALGY and snatching a muffin)
Ah, a muffin! Alas, poor consolation, but it is all the consolation left to a ruined king. (HE attempts to eat the muffin, but ALGY swipes it)
RASKOLNIKOV
You have no right to keep me here! (HE begins to run away and faints)
ALGY
It escapes me why he was trying to escape, we are on the fourth floor.
CLAUDIUS
The knave betrays his guilt in fainting thus.
DOGBERRY
Nay, an you be cursing hypocrite once, you must be looked to. Pray write down, “Integration of Claudius, former king of Denmark.” What keep you in that vial?
CLAUDIUS
‘Tis only juice, of apples ripe and sweet
As that which Eve and Adam once did eat.
DOGBERRY
Well, you are not admitted liquids in containers of more than three ounces on a plane, so I shall obfuscate your vial. (brief struggle; DOGBERRY prevails)
CLAUDIUS
Alack, my vial has been snatched away!
My soul is full of discord and dismay.
DOGBERRY
Whence comes this discord and dismay if it be not from your guilty continence?
OEDIPUS
Ah, if there be a guilty conscience in this room, it is mine! After exposing the rankness of my own guilt, how could I look man frankly in the eyes?
DOGBERRY
Ah, the murderer has confessed! I depose a toast to justice! (HE drinks from the vial, clutches stomach) Ah, I am murdered! (Keels over dead. Suddenly remembers and sits up) Let it be written that I am murdered! (Falls back down)
ALGY
How terribly distasteful death is in person! It’s much more romantic as a hypothetical. If I were you (pointing at OEDIPUS, jerking plate away) this would turn me quite off my muffins. But when I am in really great trouble, I refuse everything except food and drink. (HE resumes scarfing down muffins)
CLAUDIUS
Alas, my drink hath poisonèd this man.
Ah, my offense is rank, it smells to heaven!
O limed soul, that, struggling to be free,
Art more engaged! Help, angels! Make assay;
Bow, stubborn knees, and let my spirit pray.
(HE kneels to pray)
RASKOLNIKOV (Beginning to wake up)
The walls are spinning! …The walls are yellow! …Ah, what a nightmare. I dreamed I was on a square foot of land.
ALGY
When one has dreams, it is a sign of either inspiration or imbecility. When one has nightmares, it is a sign of indigestion. He didn’t eat one of these muffins, did he?
RASKOLNIKOV (Getting up and sniffing)
Something smells to heaven.
OEDIPUS
It’s his offense, thus he spoke.
RASKOLNIKOV
I cannot stand it anymore! I will rid the world of this vile odor! (Raises axe over CLAUDIUS’ head. OEDIPUS stumbles into RASKOLNIKOV and deflects the axe to one side) Blin! Durak!
CLAUDIUS (emerging abruptly from HIS reverie)
There’s such divinity doth hedge a king
That treason can but peep to what it would.
RASKOLNIKOV
I cannot commit treason, I am no subject of yours!
CLAUDIUS
Thou arrant knave! This deed thou shalt regret!
Thy liberty is full of threats to all!
Guards!
RASKOLNIKOV
Ahh! I only killed a louse, a nasty, vile, pernicious louse! (Runs into the corner and starts muttering in Russian. Awkward pause as no one comes)
ALGY
No doubt the guards are asleep. It is a wonder to me how many public service employees are paid to sleep. I had half a mind to enter the public service myself, but Aunt Augusta wouldn’t hear of it.
CLAUDIUS
Hath royalty no longer any worth?
OEDIPUS
O, have you too fallen from grace? Take my hand, we shall grieve together.
CLAUDIUS
I shall not take the hand of one so blind
That even Algy’s muffins he can’t find. (ALGY snorts)
OEDIPUS (hears snort, turns around)
Aha! My moment has come!
(HE grabs the last muffin and bites with great pleasure)
The gods smile upon me!
ALGY
How perfectly heartless of you to be eating my muffins at a time like this. You know I have suffered a terrible bereavement today, the death of poor Bunbury, and by consequence the end of my freedom. And none of you even has the decency to stand up and take responsibility for somebody else’s actions. I think it’s the least you could do under the circumstances!
RASKOLNIKOV
Somebody else’s actions?
ALGY
Yes, I killed Bunbury this afternoon. I mean, he died this afternoon.
CLAUDIUS
So as the culprit thou dost stand revealed!
Pray tell how thou accomplished this foul deed.
ALGY
Oh, Bunbury was quite exploded. I simply slipped a hand grenade into his pocket and pulled the pin.
RASKOLNIKOV
Ah, so it is because of you that we have been here so long!
(axes ALGY)
Now let us catch our plane.
All leave.
THE END