paradox.
This is how I feel-
but I don't quite know how to explain it.
It's not sadness, but I feel sad.
It's not loss, but I feel that I've lost something.
It's not a lot of things, but it's everything.
I feel sick to my stomach like I'm pregnant with a child that isn't mine.
I feel tired inside and out, like I've been running for days. Weeks. Months. Years.
I just watched everything crumble to the ground, but everything is still standing.
I am a paradox. I am the epitome of unwanted irony. The best days of my life are always followed by the worst, like I'm crashing. I'm higher than ever before, with even farther to fall before I hit the ground.
I am both here and there, confused but I still know.
I feel closer to him than ever, than I ever could have imagined, which is probably why I feel the need for space. The more attached I become, the stronger the urge to detach.
Eight hours ago I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow, now I don't care either way.
His phone call to hang out, instead of making me smile, did the exact opposite. It hurt me. Made me question his intentions. Made me question him.
When he told me that he would call me later tonight, it didn't make me feel loved. It made me feel like I didn't want to answer the phone.
And a year ago I would have loved to have had a boyfriend like this. A year ago I would have been so surprised and happy for such an action, but now... now. Now I feel down.
So I'll sleep on it. Sleep on this sour emotions, and stop trying to figure out why. I'll stop trying to understand. I'll just stop.
Tonight.
Tomorrow.
Someday, I'll feel better.
I'm betting on someday soon.
but I don't quite know how to explain it.
It's not sadness, but I feel sad.
It's not loss, but I feel that I've lost something.
It's not a lot of things, but it's everything.
I feel sick to my stomach like I'm pregnant with a child that isn't mine.
I feel tired inside and out, like I've been running for days. Weeks. Months. Years.
I just watched everything crumble to the ground, but everything is still standing.
I am a paradox. I am the epitome of unwanted irony. The best days of my life are always followed by the worst, like I'm crashing. I'm higher than ever before, with even farther to fall before I hit the ground.
I am both here and there, confused but I still know.
I feel closer to him than ever, than I ever could have imagined, which is probably why I feel the need for space. The more attached I become, the stronger the urge to detach.
Eight hours ago I couldn't wait to see him tomorrow, now I don't care either way.
His phone call to hang out, instead of making me smile, did the exact opposite. It hurt me. Made me question his intentions. Made me question him.
When he told me that he would call me later tonight, it didn't make me feel loved. It made me feel like I didn't want to answer the phone.
And a year ago I would have loved to have had a boyfriend like this. A year ago I would have been so surprised and happy for such an action, but now... now. Now I feel down.
So I'll sleep on it. Sleep on this sour emotions, and stop trying to figure out why. I'll stop trying to understand. I'll just stop.
Tonight.
Tomorrow.
Someday, I'll feel better.
I'm betting on someday soon.