Being alone?
I feel like continuing my vow of chastity because I'm so afraid of being that vulnerable in front of someone else. Maybe I'm just really self conscious about my body. I just really don't ever want to have to go through the stress of having sex again.
Then there are times like the last couple days. The wine guy was here this weekend and he wanted to fool around. I was dead set against it. But knowing how much he wanted me got me thinking about BGH and Aaron. I always enjoyed the sex with them. I felt that way about the wine guy until he failed me the one night I really needed him (I stayed up and cried all night trying to chug tequila so I could just fall asleep).
Any way, I'm tempted to call BGH and ask him to start over. I attempted to ask his officemate who is my friend to tell me to walk away from the situation but he simply told me, "You can't help how you feel." I said, "So you think I should still have hope?" He said not necessarily.
Before Aaron and I parted ways I'd added "Avatar: The Last Airbender" to my netflix queue. At the time he made me promise I would tell him then they arrive. I warned him it would be awhile. Bet he didn't think it'd be more than a year. I'm now 11 movies away from the first Avatar DVD arriving. I fully intend to message him but I'm afraid of the response. He could not respond. He could decided to meet up to watch them. He could show up and we could become friends again. We could become lovers again. He could be married. I could find out he got rid of his cat. I just hate not knowing.
I guess I just want a boy to sweep me off my feet. I want to know if it's worthwhile to even hope to have a partner at this point. I wish I could just make myself be OK with being alone forever.
Then there are times like the last couple days. The wine guy was here this weekend and he wanted to fool around. I was dead set against it. But knowing how much he wanted me got me thinking about BGH and Aaron. I always enjoyed the sex with them. I felt that way about the wine guy until he failed me the one night I really needed him (I stayed up and cried all night trying to chug tequila so I could just fall asleep).
Any way, I'm tempted to call BGH and ask him to start over. I attempted to ask his officemate who is my friend to tell me to walk away from the situation but he simply told me, "You can't help how you feel." I said, "So you think I should still have hope?" He said not necessarily.
Before Aaron and I parted ways I'd added "Avatar: The Last Airbender" to my netflix queue. At the time he made me promise I would tell him then they arrive. I warned him it would be awhile. Bet he didn't think it'd be more than a year. I'm now 11 movies away from the first Avatar DVD arriving. I fully intend to message him but I'm afraid of the response. He could not respond. He could decided to meet up to watch them. He could show up and we could become friends again. We could become lovers again. He could be married. I could find out he got rid of his cat. I just hate not knowing.
I guess I just want a boy to sweep me off my feet. I want to know if it's worthwhile to even hope to have a partner at this point. I wish I could just make myself be OK with being alone forever.