Let me tell you a story...
10:07 Nov 16
I remember a time when I was someone else. It’s been over a year… maybe a year and a half now. That part of me was last, pushed back in the recesses of my mind, left to sleep forever until it hopefully died. In truth, I thought it did die, and it’s remnants were just fractions left in the back of my mind as I transformed from who I was, to who I soon became. I had to move on, had to change, had to find a new reason to be… For five months I was left without thought, without depth, without an active soul. It was as if all beauty died before me, and all memories faded through my hands like streams of water. I was living without really living, because I had nothing to live for. The friends I had were distant, even unimportant and not very close. I could not see myself fighting for them, I could not see myself defending them, and I could not see myself relying on them.
Five months and one summer… Then I spoke my words to the only one I wanted to hear them, and I let go, I moved on, and slowly the emptiness faded. I started slowly by meeting two new people, forgetting the old ones, and making better relationships. One, Andrea, the other, Casey, would be my foundation to a whole new world before me. I dated Andrea, a poor move on my part as dating wasn’t something I was ready for. I befriended Casey and grew close, while Andrea and I decided dating wasn’t the best approach. Andrea sparked my interest, and I pursued because she interested me. I couldn’t quite grasp her, and the more I grasped, the more question arose.
Casey seemed nice enough. Creative and talented, she was the first I grew close to. I spent a lot of time at her house with her and her boyfriend, Tom. It was fun, and slowly brought me out of my shell. Casey was a large gateway for me to meet many other people, some that I like, some that I dislike. Shelby was one of the ones that I liked.
Shelby, a friend of both Andrea and Casey, was in my Creative Writing class with me and Casey. I got to know Shelby, who I would joke around with and converse our opinions of poetry and creative writing with. She was fun, and getting to know her was great. She too was an artist, and talented as well. Her poetry was amongst the best in the class, and her stories were interesting. She’s since moved away, but I do miss hanging out with her. I wish I could have been a more dedicated friend and talked to her more, but there’s time for repairs in the future.
For a long time, I took interest in Andrea, wishing there was some way to overcome my shyness, my nervousness, and get to know her better. I considered her a friend, but I didn’t feel very close to her. I didn’t know how to approach her, I knew little of her interests or anything I could do to get to know her better, and I was confused by her personality, which seemed so contradictory to itself. I was intimidated by her talent, by her ambition, and by her confusing, but mysterious and interesting personality. I was also drawn to those things. All I had to get to know her was a trial and error approach, which meant I would make more mistakes than not, something I disliked doing. I didn’t want her to get a false impression of who I really was. I showed an obvious interest in her, something she disliked. She knew, just as well as I, that I wanted to go out with her. I didn’t know how to be myself around her, because there’s so many versions of myself.
I’ve learned a lot about people in what 18 years of my life I’ve lived. I’ve learned a lot about myself as well, which has allowed me to be flexible and open to friendship without stretching myself too far. Every friend I have now I can say I value, and that I would defend without hesitation. I can adapt myself to my friends so that we get the most out of the time we spend together. With Andrea, that was different. However, I’ve always known that there is one true version of me that I hide without hesitation. The sensitive, sweet, loving, caring, strong-willed and creative side of me that I value. Exposing it means allowing change to it, because it’s not some rock-hard, stone-cold badass. It will change, and will hurt. I’m an introvert and anti-social with it out. It’s very understanding, and very strong. With it, I can discover revelation after revelation, dig deep into the human mind, and create the most beautiful wonders. It’s deep, it’s mature…
But coming back to it, I realize that it’s untrusting of others, and hates being too close to too many people. It avoids others, and loathes the morning. What’s worse is the place where I left off was dark, diseased, and stuck on the brink of insanity. Twisted and corrupted, defiled and plagued, this part of me had been dealt a blow so deep into it’s core that the intoxicating poison around it quickly devoured it. The ruins of an ancient city of magnanimous proportions twisted into the eerie darkness of a dead monument. It’s beauty is faint, and it’s burden is great…
The life I had been living, and the life I just recently breathed have little connection and similarity. Small fragments breached the surface of my recently joyous, carefree and extroverted life; my old wisdom and creativity showed through for a little while, but recently I’ve noticed it fading away. That’s the reason I want to return to the old.
But the past… where did I leave off? Hmm… I hung around with Casey the beginning of my senior year, and sat at the same table as Andrea during that time as well. Her and I talked briefly, since there wasn’t a lot to talk about, and I wasn’t that comfortable talking to her. It wasn’t until the second half of senior year that I got into Creative Writing and saw Andrea much less, since we sat at different tables now.
Because I felt much closer to Casey, I returned her interest in me when it showed. For what may have been three and a half weeks I went out with Casey before my independent style and inexperience at dating caused our dating to end. Our relationship after that has been much more distant now. It’s unfortunate because she had been such a good friend before. However, I don’t regret breaking up, since she isn’t as mature and into long-term as I am. She’s not as conservative as I am either. It’s nothing that bothers me, it’s just different from my own standards.
Prom came up, and I took the opportunity to ask Andrea. She seemed more than happy to go with me. Looking back on that, I can’t help feel a tinge of nostalgia and sorrow. She seemed so happy to go with me when I asked, and things seemed well. My shyness and obvious interest in her probably made things worse than they could have been.
I realize now that I’ve gotten side-tracked from something important! My friend Joe. Joe was the quiet type who’d sit in the front of class and listen intently. He was a good guy who worked hard for the team and caused no trouble. In my American Problems class, he was my team-mate for a mock presidential election. Our team chose who would be the candidate to run, and neither I nor him stepped forth. We got to know each other a little through that class, but it wasn’t until later that we’d establish a real friendship.
He’d sit at the table next us in Creative Writing and talk with a classmate about his stories. I’d say it was about a quarter of the way through the class that I told Casey a little about him and she decided to invite him over. We all became a “Create Writing” group, Casey, Shelby, me and him. Through our poetry and stories, and the times that we’d share we got to know each other.
And life played itself out in a beautiful fashion. I was pretty content with things, and time passed slowly. My introduction onto the swimming team was my first and last exposure to High School sports, since it was the last season of my high school year. I would always try to go see Andrea’s soccer games when she played a home game, despite the fact that it’d sometimes conflict with my swimming schedule.
It was through this span of my life that I slowly grew into a more social person. An inevitable change brought about by the introduction to new elements in my life. I slowly adapted to being in small groups, and socializing and conversation became routine to me. But no matter how hard I tried, conversing and getting to know Andrea better never got easier. I was to happy to be bugged by it, though.
Then graduation came, the date that all High School students dreams of. It arrived with slight dread. I’d be leaving behind a place where I had started new, gained great friends, and made unforgettable memories. But I was free from the burdens of High School drama, and ready to go on to greater things. I never got the highest marks, never was an honor student, and never gave to my community. I was intelligent and I knew it; that was good enough for me.
Summer rolled around, and many plans were made. Unfortunately, only a fraction of the plans we made went through, but the things we did do were fun. We all wanted to do a lot together, because Andrea would be gone soon to start college in another state. I slowly tried to get to know Andrea by trying to do one on one things with her. We went to the movies and mall, all while I was trying to obtain a driver’s license late for my age. She had no car herself, since her dad took it with him when she moved, and I was the main source of transportation.
That summer was one of the best, and the final week before Andrea left was great. We did a lot together, and she lived with Casey for a little bit because her house was sold. Going to a Chinese Buffet and Open Mic were amongst the things we did. Shelby, Joe, Andrea, Casey and I all had fun that night. The night before she left I walked with her around Casey’s apartment complex, hoping to say what I wanted to. She gave me advice, that I should write down what I say so I don’t get stuck mid-sentence collecting my thoughts. She always gave me helpful advice.
The day after she went away, I couldn’t help but feel horribly depressed. I knew I’d miss her, and I wondered how much I’d hear from her. I went on with life, started attending college and went job hunting. My college life went well, and I met a new friend at college who was a lot like my old friends from way back when. Amongst this time, I talked to Joe and Casey a lot, since Shelby had moved to Denver for College as well. Then I met Deidre. I don’t recall exactly how I met her, only that me and her danced in the middle of the hall at prom. Me, Joe, and Deidre all hung out with her and her boyfriend, Scott, at her house talking and playing games. She’s one of my newer friends, but I’m already enjoying her company.
I talked with Andrea over the phone here and there. It was nice to speak to her, but even so no new grounds for getting to know her better were opening. Me and Joe decided on a road trip to go see her. I thought it would be a great way to get to know her, and a chance to make a move.
I was hoping Deidre, Casey, Joe and I could all go, but Deidre ended up not being able to go. We made the trip and headed towards Montana. It was a long drive, but it was nice seeing her again. I got to know her a lot better by being there, but it seemed a lot of the attention I drew from her was negative. I was interested in her, and wanted to get to know her, something she associated with wanting to go out with her. While being interested in her can correlate to me being attracted to her, they’re not the same. She’s very unique and seems like a strong, intelligent person who I could learn a lot from. I knew I’d ask her out, but with little chance of success. It was something I had to do to move on though, so I’d never have to ask, “What if?”. I don’t regret it, and I’m glad that I could leave with no regrets, and feel proud that I had made some ground in my life.
After I asked I really wanted to be alone, I figured I’d be rejected and wanted some time to reflect on a few things. Instead of taking a walk, I went around with them on a tour of the campus, because I was curious about it and felt it’d be rude to skip out on something she wanted to do. But if I wanted to take a walk I knew she’d understand. When we went to the recreational center and played a few games I decided to leave on a walk. I reflected on how I felt, a little mad at myself and bitter. I understood my feelings, though, and decided it was time to move on.
That night I found myself lost in thought, trying to realize why things felt so wrong. I had a lot to think about on the trip home… Things didn’t feel right, and I had to reflect on who I was letting myself become. The person I once was was waking up inside of me, and I could barely feel it surfacing. But as we drove farther it grew stronger, and I began to realize all that I had lost. My creativity, my deep emotions, and my wisdom and maturity. By the time we were near home it was like a second heart beating at the surface of my skin. I told Joe how I felt since he had woken up, realizing some familiarity to home. He seemed baffled, but I didn’t expect him, or anyone else really, to understand. It was something inside me.
At first, I just wanted to bring that back, but then I realized I needed both sides of me to intertwine if I wanted to feel whole. One side of me was anti-social, depressed, emotional, mature, wise, knowledgeable and strong-willed; the other side was childish, humorous, fun-loving, energetic and sarcastic. I loved both sides, and didn’t want to lose either. So, I stand here trying to cure the poison of my old side before I integrate it with my new-side. In all truth, it’s new to me, but I believe if anyone can do it I can. I want it because I know it’ll make me a better, more successful person.
I am having some problems. Trying to control this side of me isn’t easy. It’s already starting to affect my life in a similar way to how it had before. I find myself avoidant of social situations and very emotional and depressed. But I feel all the knowledge and beauty I once loved stirring inside me. I remember how happy I could be when I was who I was. True happiness that beats deep inside you. It’s like something completely embracing you, and a feeling beyond contentment washes over you. It’s dull, but I can feel it, and I realize how much I missed that amazing side of me.
That side’s only purpose for being around was true love, but I want it to exist without that. It’s too important, too great to have only one purpose and be shown to only one person. I know it’ll make me a stronger, happier person. My friends are supportive of my choice to change. I know both don’t want to see me get hurt, or become something bad. I trust myself, though, and I have nothing to worry about. My emotions may be really unstable when I’m like this, but I know when enough is enough and when I need to take a break.
I’m going to try and take a month with this, taking my time and being careful. My weekends might be occupied because I plan on using those to cover the most ground. I see the change being positive, and I’m hoping that it is. Only time will tell…
7:42 Nov 17
I remember a time when I was someone else. It’s been over a year… maybe a year and a half now. That part of me was last, pushed back in the recesses of my mind, left to sleep forever until it hopefully died. In truth, I thought it did die, and it’s remnants were just fractions left in the back of my mind as I transformed from who I was, to who I soon became. I had to move on, had to change, had to find a new reason to be… For five months I was left without thought, without depth, without an active soul. It was as if all beauty died before me, and all memories faded through my hands like streams of water. I was living without really living, because I had nothing to live for. The friends I had were distant, even unimportant and not very close. I could not see myself fighting for them, I could not see myself defending them, and I could not see myself relying on them.
Five months and one summer… Then I spoke my words to the only one I wanted to hear them, and I let go, I moved on, and slowly the emptiness faded. I started slowly by meeting two new people, forgetting the old ones, and making better relationships. One, Andrea, the other, Casey, would be my foundation to a whole new world before me. I dated Andrea, a poor move on my part as dating wasn’t something I was ready for. I befriended Casey and grew close, while Andrea and I decided dating wasn’t the best approach. Andrea sparked my interest, and I pursued because she interested me. I couldn’t quite grasp her, and the more I grasped, the more question arose.
Casey seemed nice enough. Creative and talented, she was the first I grew close to. I spent a lot of time at her house with her and her boyfriend, Tom. It was fun, and slowly brought me out of my shell. Casey was a large gateway for me to meet many other people, some that I like, some that I dislike. Shelby was one of the ones that I liked.
Shelby, a friend of both Andrea and Casey, was in my Creative Writing class with me and Casey. I got to know Shelby, who I would joke around with and converse our opinions of poetry and creative writing with. She was fun, and getting to know her was great. She too was an artist, and talented as well. Her poetry was amongst the best in the class, and her stories were interesting. She’s since moved away, but I do miss hanging out with her. I wish I could have been a more dedicated friend and talked to her more, but there’s time for repairs in the future.
For a long time, I took interest in Andrea, wishing there was some way to overcome my shyness, my nervousness, and get to know her better. I considered her a friend, but I didn’t feel very close to her. I didn’t know how to approach her, I knew little of her interests or anything I could do to get to know her better, and I was confused by her personality, which seemed so contradictory to itself. I was intimidated by her talent, by her ambition, and by her confusing, but mysterious and interesting personality. I was also drawn to those things. All I had to get to know her was a trial and error approach, which meant I would make more mistakes than not, something I disliked doing. I didn’t want her to get a false impression of who I really was. I showed an obvious interest in her, something she disliked. She knew, just as well as I, that I wanted to go out with her. I didn’t know how to be myself around her, because there’s so many versions of myself.
I’ve learned a lot about people in what 18 years of my life I’ve lived. I’ve learned a lot about myself as well, which has allowed me to be flexible and open to friendship without stretching myself too far. Every friend I have now I can say I value, and that I would defend without hesitation. I can adapt myself to my friends so that we get the most out of the time we spend together. With Andrea, that was different. However, I’ve always known that there is one true version of me that I hide without hesitation. The sensitive, sweet, loving, caring, strong-willed and creative side of me that I value. Exposing it means allowing change to it, because it’s not some rock-hard, stone-cold badass. It will change, and will hurt. I’m an introvert and anti-social with it out. It’s very understanding, and very strong. With it, I can discover revelation after revelation, dig deep into the human mind, and create the most beautiful wonders. It’s deep, it’s mature…
But coming back to it, I realize that it’s untrusting of others, and hates being too close to too many people. It avoids others, and loathes the morning. What’s worse is the place where I left off was dark, diseased, and stuck on the brink of insanity. Twisted and corrupted, defiled and plagued, this part of me had been dealt a blow so deep into it’s core that the intoxicating poison around it quickly devoured it. The ruins of an ancient city of magnanimous proportions twisted into the eerie darkness of a dead monument. It’s beauty is faint, and it’s burden is great…
The life I had been living, and the life I just recently breathed have little connection and similarity. Small fragments breached the surface of my recently joyous, carefree and extroverted life; my old wisdom and creativity showed through for a little while, but recently I’ve noticed it fading away. That’s the reason I want to return to the old.
But the past… where did I leave off? Hmm… I hung around with Casey the beginning of my senior year, and sat at the same table as Andrea during that time as well. Her and I talked briefly, since there wasn’t a lot to talk about, and I wasn’t that comfortable talking to her. It wasn’t until the second half of senior year that I got into Creative Writing and saw Andrea much less, since we sat at different tables now.
Because I felt much closer to Casey, I returned her interest in me when it showed. For what may have been three and a half weeks I went out with Casey before my independent style and inexperience at dating caused our dating to end. Our relationship after that has been much more distant now. It’s unfortunate because she had been such a good friend before. However, I don’t regret breaking up, since she isn’t as mature and into long-term as I am. She’s not as conservative as I am either. It’s nothing that bothers me, it’s just different from my own standards.
Prom came up, and I took the opportunity to ask Andrea. She seemed more than happy to go with me. Looking back on that, I can’t help feel a tinge of nostalgia and sorrow. She seemed so happy to go with me when I asked, and things seemed well. My shyness and obvious interest in her probably made things worse than they could have been.
I realize now that I’ve gotten side-tracked from something important! My friend Joe. Joe was the quiet type who’d sit in the front of class and listen intently. He was a good guy who worked hard for the team and caused no trouble. In my American Problems class, he was my team-mate for a mock presidential election. Our team chose who would be the candidate to run, and neither I nor him stepped forth. We got to know each other a little through that class, but it wasn’t until later that we’d establish a real friendship.
He’d sit at the table next us in Creative Writing and talk with a classmate about his stories. I’d say it was about a quarter of the way through the class that I told Casey a little about him and she decided to invite him over. We all became a “Create Writing” group, Casey, Shelby, me and him. Through our poetry and stories, and the times that we’d share we got to know each other.
And life played itself out in a beautiful fashion. I was pretty content with things, and time passed slowly. My introduction onto the swimming team was my first and last exposure to High School sports, since it was the last season of my high school year. I would always try to go see Andrea’s soccer games when she played a home game, despite the fact that it’d sometimes conflict with my swimming schedule.
It was through this span of my life that I slowly grew into a more social person. An inevitable change brought about by the introduction to new elements in my life. I slowly adapted to being in small groups, and socializing and conversation became routine to me. But no matter how hard I tried, conversing and getting to know Andrea better never got easier. I was to happy to be bugged by it, though.
Then graduation came, the date that all High School students dreams of. It arrived with slight dread. I’d be leaving behind a place where I had started new, gained great friends, and made unforgettable memories. But I was free from the burdens of High School drama, and ready to go on to greater things. I never got the highest marks, never was an honor student, and never gave to my community. I was intelligent and I knew it; that was good enough for me.
Summer rolled around, and many plans were made. Unfortunately, only a fraction of the plans we made went through, but the things we did do were fun. We all wanted to do a lot together, because Andrea would be gone soon to start college in another state. I slowly tried to get to know Andrea by trying to do one on one things with her. We went to the movies and mall, all while I was trying to obtain a driver’s license late for my age. She had no car herself, since her dad took it with him when she moved, and I was the main source of transportation.
That summer was one of the best, and the final week before Andrea left was great. We did a lot together, and she lived with Casey for a little bit because her house was sold. Going to a Chinese Buffet and Open Mic were amongst the things we did. Shelby, Joe, Andrea, Casey and I all had fun that night. The night before she left I walked with her around Casey’s apartment complex, hoping to say what I wanted to. She gave me advice, that I should write down what I say so I don’t get stuck mid-sentence collecting my thoughts. She always gave me helpful advice.
The day after she went away, I couldn’t help but feel horribly depressed. I knew I’d miss her, and I wondered how much I’d hear from her. I went on with life, started attending college and went job hunting. My college life went well, and I met a new friend at college who was a lot like my old friends from way back when. Amongst this time, I talked to Joe and Casey a lot, since Shelby had moved to Denver for College as well. Then I met Deidre. I don’t recall exactly how I met her, only that me and her danced in the middle of the hall at prom. Me, Joe, and Deidre all hung out with her and her boyfriend, Scott, at her house talking and playing games. She’s one of my newer friends, but I’m already enjoying her company.
I talked with Andrea over the phone here and there. It was nice to speak to her, but even so no new grounds for getting to know her better were opening. Me and Joe decided on a road trip to go see her. I thought it would be a great way to get to know her, and a chance to make a move.
I was hoping Deidre, Casey, Joe and I could all go, but Deidre ended up not being able to go. We made the trip and headed towards Montana. It was a long drive, but it was nice seeing her again. I got to know her a lot better by being there, but it seemed a lot of the attention I drew from her was negative. I was interested in her, and wanted to get to know her, something she associated with wanting to go out with her. While being interested in her can correlate to me being attracted to her, they’re not the same. She’s very unique and seems like a strong, intelligent person who I could learn a lot from. I knew I’d ask her out, but with little chance of success. It was something I had to do to move on though, so I’d never have to ask, “What if?”. I don’t regret it, and I’m glad that I could leave with no regrets, and feel proud that I had made some ground in my life.
After I asked I really wanted to be alone, I figured I’d be rejected and wanted some time to reflect on a few things. Instead of taking a walk, I went around with them on a tour of the campus, because I was curious about it and felt it’d be rude to skip out on something she wanted to do. But if I wanted to take a walk I knew she’d understand. When we went to the recreational center and played a few games I decided to leave on a walk. I reflected on how I felt, a little mad at myself and bitter. I understood my feelings, though, and decided it was time to move on.
That night I found myself lost in thought, trying to realize why things felt so wrong. I had a lot to think about on the trip home… Things didn’t feel right, and I had to reflect on who I was letting myself become. The person I once was was waking up inside of me, and I could barely feel it surfacing. But as we drove farther it grew stronger, and I began to realize all that I had lost. My creativity, my deep emotions, and my wisdom and maturity. By the time we were near home it was like a second heart beating at the surface of my skin. I told Joe how I felt since he had woken up, realizing some familiarity to home. He seemed baffled, but I didn’t expect him, or anyone else really, to understand. It was something inside me.
At first, I just wanted to bring that back, but then I realized I needed both sides of me to intertwine if I wanted to feel whole. One side of me was anti-social, depressed, emotional, mature, wise, knowledgeable and strong-willed; the other side was childish, humorous, fun-loving, energetic and sarcastic. I loved both sides, and didn’t want to lose either. So, I stand here trying to cure the poison of my old side before I integrate it with my new-side. In all truth, it’s new to me, but I believe if anyone can do it I can. I want it because I know it’ll make me a better, more successful person.
I am having some problems. Trying to control this side of me isn’t easy. It’s already starting to affect my life in a similar way to how it had before. I find myself avoidant of social situations and very emotional and depressed. But I feel all the knowledge and beauty I once loved stirring inside me. I remember how happy I could be when I was who I was. True happiness that beats deep inside you. It’s like something completely embracing you, and a feeling beyond contentment washes over you. It’s dull, but I can feel it, and I realize how much I missed that amazing side of me.
That side’s only purpose for being around was true love, but I want it to exist without that. It’s too important, too great to have only one purpose and be shown to only one person. I know it’ll make me a stronger, happier person. My friends are supportive of my choice to change. I know both don’t want to see me get hurt, or become something bad. I trust myself, though, and I have nothing to worry about. My emotions may be really unstable when I’m like this, but I know when enough is enough and when I need to take a break.
I’m going to try and take a month with this, taking my time and being careful. My weekends might be occupied because I plan on using those to cover the most ground. I see the change being positive, and I’m hoping that it is. Only time will tell…
7:42 Nov 17