fuckin rain
I've come to the conclusion that it's the weather that has been making me miserable. Shaun left for the day to take his friend scott to NJ to a special doctor for his back. He left at like 1, will prob be home around 9. Went to physical therapy today. I don't know if it's working anymore. I feel bad telling the guy that he might have to be firmer with me?? I don't know. I don't like criticizing anyone and I don't want to be confrontational either. I don't really know what's wrong with me or if I just make this shit up in my head because I have so much damn time on my hands. I miss so many people, and always feel even when we were close I was always the one putting in effort. And I always say fuck it, screw them because I don't need them. But everyone needs something. I need to be around positive people. I need to be looking for a job even though I'm still in a ton of pain. More pain in my neck and shoulder and upper back. I hate this, I really do. I just wish I was closer with certain people, but that's what happens when you get older and grow up. People's interests change. You're not the same people you once were. I've had so many friends in my life come and go and the ones I am still semi close to, I'm surprised but very grateful at the same time. I'm in a mood where I wanna chop my hair again. UGH, but I won't!! Ha! I am going to color it this weekend.
I was thinking earlier I am so scared of Shaun leaving me. I hate rejection and don't think I could handle it. It's probably the mood I'm in. Two yrs ago, I didn't give a shit about any guy really. I was just seeing and dating whoever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I loved it but hated it at the same time. It was nice and exciting but it gets old pretty quick. I'm just a monogamous person. I love the fact that I get to spend my days with shaun, and he makes me laugh all the time. We make breakfast in bed, bloody mary's at 5 am, baths at 3 am. I feel very close to him but I've just been so sad lately. In a bad funk, I don't talk to him about it because I love him and i don't want to bring him down with me. He's been good about it. I don't know anyone that would stick around for my bullshit although certain people did in the past. But they weren't saints either. I still think about my past a lot, too much sometimes. Why did certain things even happen and why did they end? What the hell did it teach me? It scarred me for life in a sense. I have a wall up. I don't even believe anyone when they tell me they love me or care for me. I can't accept it or understand because so many people in my past were so nasty to me and insulted me to the point where I always questioned why the hell am i even here?? what the hell was the point? How can people be so cruel? I just know I need to snap out of this shit. I'm contemplating going back on my medication but then I can't drink. And if I can't drink, I'll go nuts.
I was thinking earlier I am so scared of Shaun leaving me. I hate rejection and don't think I could handle it. It's probably the mood I'm in. Two yrs ago, I didn't give a shit about any guy really. I was just seeing and dating whoever I wanted whenever I wanted to. I loved it but hated it at the same time. It was nice and exciting but it gets old pretty quick. I'm just a monogamous person. I love the fact that I get to spend my days with shaun, and he makes me laugh all the time. We make breakfast in bed, bloody mary's at 5 am, baths at 3 am. I feel very close to him but I've just been so sad lately. In a bad funk, I don't talk to him about it because I love him and i don't want to bring him down with me. He's been good about it. I don't know anyone that would stick around for my bullshit although certain people did in the past. But they weren't saints either. I still think about my past a lot, too much sometimes. Why did certain things even happen and why did they end? What the hell did it teach me? It scarred me for life in a sense. I have a wall up. I don't even believe anyone when they tell me they love me or care for me. I can't accept it or understand because so many people in my past were so nasty to me and insulted me to the point where I always questioned why the hell am i even here?? what the hell was the point? How can people be so cruel? I just know I need to snap out of this shit. I'm contemplating going back on my medication but then I can't drink. And if I can't drink, I'll go nuts.