Nov 18, 2003 16:02
i should be doing my homework right now. er well actually i should be in school. somehow that never quite works out like it should. somehow things never work out like i thought they would. everythings pretty outta control right now. ive been wasting my time and dicking around. yeah this time i really fucked up though. hmmm. schools not going very well. it being of course that i never go. today my geography teacher pulled me aside and talked to me after i turned in my test. my name was the first one written on the board under see me before you leave. he asked me why i havent been going to class. and told me that i really need to re-evaluate my priorities and goals in life. that im headed down the wrong path. that im headed no where really. hmmmm maybe hes right. last night was totally unproductive. figures. i got absolutly nothing done. a con to whats been going on. sometimes hours feel like days and other times i just cant seem to give my time away. mike asked me out today. after class he waited for me but i only chatted for a bit before spliting to go grab coffee with paige. i ran into him later and although he had class in three minutes he walked me to my car on the opposite side of campus. he wants to go see 21 grams and go out to eat one day this weekend. i told him ill check my schedule and see him wednsday. im listening to my ex boyfriends old band. i havent heard this cd in what feels like years. and i cant even comprehend that the lyrics were written about me. no harms been done. but im reminded of that night. ill never forget how wrong everything felt when the time was right. i want to call him up and talk with him. but when we see each other its like i never left. like the all the time in between was just a dream. theres a tension that exists between us that can never be ignored. and i dont know what id do if he offered me another chance. maybe hes right though. maybe im not ready for a real romance. maybe i do give up too easily. and maybe i do keep things inside. maybe i do have trust issues. or maybe its just that i dont trust you. im in an odd mood right now. i want to hole myself up in my room for days and not speak to anyone for a week. youd take it the wrong way though. youd think its about you. no. this is about me. maybe another day in another place youll understand me. but today feels like another day where everythings the same. and nothing ever changes. nothing that matters really. im constantly searching. but for what. i think that i just need to find me.