last night
last night was fun. last night was horrible. last night was great. last night was drunken fun. and designated driving. it was meeting new people and learning about old ones. it was zoolander played about three times. it was crotch shots and unspoken talks. it was empty kisses with people you dont know and meaningfull ones with close friends. it was leaving too early or not leaving soon enough. it was getting drunk and falling down in the street. it was four am food runs. it was a hit and run. it was two monthes compacted into nine hours. was it a waste of time? someone answer that for me please. when i saw him today i was too weak to say hello but i cared too much to say goodbye. or was it the other way around. during our two hour coffee time i took maybe three sips. i feel like throwing up. i feel like screaming. i feel like crying. i feel like lying. i feel like fucking dying. last night steph held my hand as we drove. i love her. in all honesty. why didnt i say it three years ago when i had the chance. why is it that i always figure out what to do way too late. driving to long beach just now their was no one next to me to hold my hand. i needed some warmth and it wasnt coming from me. no im cold as an iceburg. call me the new ice queen. so i turned the heater on and adjusted it to full blast. it didnt thaw me out though. the heat didnt last. but nothing lasts forever. ive learned at least that. he text messaged me 10 minutes after saying ill see you on wednesday. he said hes not giving up on me. i didnt reply. you said that sadness never chooses me that i choose sadness. maybe i do. i dont know what i want. i dont know what i fucking need. i need to understand myself. and i pray to god that somewhere someplace exists someone who understands me. i feel like i cant fucking breath. i came home to an empty apartment. i talked to her 20 minutes ago but she wasnt here to let me in. maybe its better this way. funny, i said those exact same words to him. nothing feels better like i hoped that it would. nothing was resolved. i feel terrible. i feel incomplete. i feel really really vulnerable and really really weak. yup that sounds about right. yeah that sounds like me. i dont know where im going with this. but do i ever know where im going. do i really know anything. stream of consciousness is the best therapy for me. i could go on forever. i could write for days. but i dont really want to know what im thinking. i dont know if im even feeling. i dont really want to know me. me. me. me. is that all i ever think about. am i really that selfish. was it that i didnt try enough or did i try to fucking much. maybe love is just another four letter word. maybe feeling is temperary. maybe im in lust. maybe there really doesnt exist someone for me. or maybe they did and i blew my chance. maybe he didnt meet my standards. maybe she isnt what i need. or maybe i let them get away and they got married. im listening to all the saddest songs and suddenly they make perfect sence. i got a little teary eyed i must admitt. but no i havent cried. in fact its probably been about three years. i hope to god that dreams do come true. and i hope to god that i am capable of falling in love. i wish i believed in god. i wish that i could just start over so that you could trust me. i dont mind wasting the best years of my life. but i hope at least that they mean something to someone even if that person isnt me. that i mean something to someone. that someone honestly cares for me. that im capable of caring. and i fucking pray to god that in this world someone understands me. that love at first sight and soul mates really do exist.