poem
and here i am. god on one side, myself on the other. rules and regulations on one side, instincts and desires on the other. unanswered questions on one side, seeking answers on the other. the welfare of my soul on one side, the happiness of my heart on the other. playing puppet on one side, floating freely on the other. problems on both sides. and here i am. that sounds like the beginning of a very good poem, but when i get back to editing it i probably won't like it anymore. i really am just stuck though. i don't know what to believe. the easiest thing seems to forget about god until he shows up in my face. it's kinda funny how i take the easy road sometimes and the hard road other times. i like to answer the hard questions but i don't want to do any work other times. some things that are important to me now: getting my license, getting a car, going to college, getting a job. notice how none of those things include god or anything. millions of people get along fine everyday and they don't think twice about god. others put on a front - saying they are christians but the only thing that separates them from others is that they show up at church to get their name marked on the roll. i don't want to live a lie. i'm not going to make myself believe something just because that's the only way i've known my entire life. i wonder what athiests do for their weddings? maybe one of these days i'll know. why would i want to spend my entire life preparing for something else. the reason for now is to live. if i'm going to be on this planet i will try to be as much a part of it as i can. no more living a lie. no more half-way jobs. well that's not exactly true because i'm sure i'll do some half-way jobs in school but that's because i have to by law. it's funny how you can be at church during the invitation to come to christ and walk the total opposite direction. but i guess i did. i think what really made up my mind was thinking that the best time i've ever had was at space camp. not at a youth rally; not on a wednesday night. the interaction with people that could've been christians, but probably not. we had a great time. i'm not going to be a failing christian when i can be an accomplished athiest. which is more satisfying: trying all the time when you know you can't be good enough so you apologize all the time or doing what you want and not owing anybody anything? and here i am. the narrow, difficult road on one side, the wide easily traveled road on the other. and here i am.