forget decemeber.. it won't be better than i remember it before....
So i think i figured out what is putting a damper on my holidays--
its not my family situation
its not being home
its not feeling lonely
because honestly -- i'm not OK with any other those situations.. but i am better with that then i am with...
the fact that i am COMPLETELY poor.
what i enjoy about the holiday season is giving. It's just part of my personality ( go figure) but i LOVE the joy of watching people open the gifts i give them, go shopping to find that perfect gift.
i can't this year. Normally every year i have this "strapped for cash" issue.. but its at least a week out. I can always find some money... but this year... its 4 days out... and i REALLY have no money.
i don't even have a good printer to make photo collages or anything.
Also -- my family is just sort of lame. They don't mean to be, but i feel like none of them REALLY enjoy the christmas season for the same reasons that i do ( the whole giving thing) and i feel like my mom and step dad REALLY get down on the fact we don't have any money. I mean .. not together of course because they aren't together and their monetary situations are separate.. but they each respectively are upset about their own problems. and God bless my step dad who is helping me pay for my car.
I think i am just upset because i am trying to become a better person-- overcome my personal demons etc.
and i see my mom NOT doing that.
she is fine where she is
and frankly
where she is is not okay.
ON A COMPLETELY OTHER NOTE:
MY RECITAL HAPPENED!!!!
.. and it was amazing. FIRST OFF-- THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT CAME-- to have such a packed house.. FOR ME and ALL FOR ME was amazing. I didn't get to talk to everyone as much as i would like to-- but i love each and everyone of you and it really meant the WORLD to me that you were there ;c) It was the longest/quickest 30 minutes of my life. and @ the time it felt like some of the best work i have done @ CUA. { i am gonna try to upload some parts of it once i get my DVD from chrissy-poo.. i'll keep everyone posted on that ;c) } Vocally i think that it still is.. i didn't watch any of my monologues and my dancing.. not to sound cocky-- but if you know me you will understand this-- everyone ALWAYS thinks i do a good job.. and i am NEVER where i want to be there.
THIS NEXT SEMESTER , however, will be different. i know that i always say that-- but i overcame alot this past semester... and i feel like it is finally my time to overcome my body issues.
I am gonna try to FINALLY be the dancer i am able to be and have wanted to be for a while.
we'll see.
i have a lot more to update about-- but i think this was a pretty good start
love.love.love
its not my family situation
its not being home
its not feeling lonely
because honestly -- i'm not OK with any other those situations.. but i am better with that then i am with...
the fact that i am COMPLETELY poor.
what i enjoy about the holiday season is giving. It's just part of my personality ( go figure) but i LOVE the joy of watching people open the gifts i give them, go shopping to find that perfect gift.
i can't this year. Normally every year i have this "strapped for cash" issue.. but its at least a week out. I can always find some money... but this year... its 4 days out... and i REALLY have no money.
i don't even have a good printer to make photo collages or anything.
Also -- my family is just sort of lame. They don't mean to be, but i feel like none of them REALLY enjoy the christmas season for the same reasons that i do ( the whole giving thing) and i feel like my mom and step dad REALLY get down on the fact we don't have any money. I mean .. not together of course because they aren't together and their monetary situations are separate.. but they each respectively are upset about their own problems. and God bless my step dad who is helping me pay for my car.
I think i am just upset because i am trying to become a better person-- overcome my personal demons etc.
and i see my mom NOT doing that.
she is fine where she is
and frankly
where she is is not okay.
ON A COMPLETELY OTHER NOTE:
MY RECITAL HAPPENED!!!!
.. and it was amazing. FIRST OFF-- THANKS TO EVERYONE THAT CAME-- to have such a packed house.. FOR ME and ALL FOR ME was amazing. I didn't get to talk to everyone as much as i would like to-- but i love each and everyone of you and it really meant the WORLD to me that you were there ;c) It was the longest/quickest 30 minutes of my life. and @ the time it felt like some of the best work i have done @ CUA. { i am gonna try to upload some parts of it once i get my DVD from chrissy-poo.. i'll keep everyone posted on that ;c) } Vocally i think that it still is.. i didn't watch any of my monologues and my dancing.. not to sound cocky-- but if you know me you will understand this-- everyone ALWAYS thinks i do a good job.. and i am NEVER where i want to be there.
THIS NEXT SEMESTER , however, will be different. i know that i always say that-- but i overcame alot this past semester... and i feel like it is finally my time to overcome my body issues.
I am gonna try to FINALLY be the dancer i am able to be and have wanted to be for a while.
we'll see.
i have a lot more to update about-- but i think this was a pretty good start
love.love.love