What is happy?
So here I sit at work, wolfing down a calzone and trying to at least write something in my attempts to remain at least somewhat creative. I've been pretty grumpy the past few days. The kids are struggling to adjust to the rigors of our new routine. Babygirl is clingy, Daughter is weepy and sassy, and the Boy, well, he is dressing like Napoleon Dynamite in his moon boots every day and generally being angry at me for almost everything. This anger tends to come out in the form of throwing things and swearing. I barely have time to go to the bathroom and do a load of laundry let alone deal with self-esteem and attitude issues. And then there's all that stuff with the kids!
But today, I am sitting in the office and if I strain my neck and look out the window I can see boats in the harbor and beautiful autumn trees. I just checked my Child Support account and the bug has been successfully drained of almost $2000 this month, which gets him just a bit closer to paying the debt he owes me. I'm not sure if I'm happier that the the money was taken from him or that it's in my account. Maybe a bit of both. I feel more secure knowing I can pay my bills and that I'm one step closer to being independent of him completely. It's only about a week and a half until the divorce is final, and only about another who-knows-how-many-therapy-sessions until I am able to forgive him and let go of this bitterness. Every time I think I'm doing well, something else crops up and causes me to spew venom in his general direction all over again.
But for today, I am measuring my happiness one day at a time. Because today, at this moment, I am happy. I enjoy my job and coworkers, I have money in the bank until I go on-line and pay my bills, it's bourbon season, and my real friends are supporting me through these tumultuous times. The happiness may slip away during rush hour, at bedtime, or maybe it will hang on until tomorrow. But I'm thankful for it today and know that even if it has to move over to make room for other less pleasant emotions, they are necessary and happy will come back again.
But today, I am sitting in the office and if I strain my neck and look out the window I can see boats in the harbor and beautiful autumn trees. I just checked my Child Support account and the bug has been successfully drained of almost $2000 this month, which gets him just a bit closer to paying the debt he owes me. I'm not sure if I'm happier that the the money was taken from him or that it's in my account. Maybe a bit of both. I feel more secure knowing I can pay my bills and that I'm one step closer to being independent of him completely. It's only about a week and a half until the divorce is final, and only about another who-knows-how-many-therapy-sessions until I am able to forgive him and let go of this bitterness. Every time I think I'm doing well, something else crops up and causes me to spew venom in his general direction all over again.
But for today, I am measuring my happiness one day at a time. Because today, at this moment, I am happy. I enjoy my job and coworkers, I have money in the bank until I go on-line and pay my bills, it's bourbon season, and my real friends are supporting me through these tumultuous times. The happiness may slip away during rush hour, at bedtime, or maybe it will hang on until tomorrow. But I'm thankful for it today and know that even if it has to move over to make room for other less pleasant emotions, they are necessary and happy will come back again.