reading makes you smarter. read this; get smarter. you are welcome.
i am trying to find an internship for the summer, and in doing so, i'm trying to narrow down what i could see myself doing for at least the next ten years after graduation, which is, for me, the most frightening thing in the world, unless you consider the fact that i am also profoundly afraid of literally everything else.
i spend a lot of time telling other people that they should stop hating themselves and go out in the world and try new things. "what are you afraid of?" i say, and "follow your heart," i tell them, as if it were the easiest thing in the world to even know what your heart is fucking saying to you. i say "you have no reason to be so insecure" to everyone, and i tell them that they're already doing great, so what's the problem? that's what i say to everyone else. and then it's my turn to need encouragement, and all i can do is think about how i shouldn't ever do anything because i'm so absurdly pathetic, etc etc etc, and then i think, really i should stop hating myself because what is the point, which is when i just stop thinking about it in general, and so overall nothing gets accomplished.
and what the hell do i even want out of life? i want everything and nothing. i believe in hard work, but i hate the idea of climbing any damned ladders. i just want to be DOING what matters to me. i hate that my dad tells me EVERY TIME I BRING IT UP that i should be a journalist. for god's sake i DONT WANT TO DO THAT so it's not HELPFUL to tell me that.
i don't know about you guys, whether you care or not or whether you know where you're going, but the fact that i don't have a definite idea of what i want makes every decision i have to make in the next two years incredibly difficult, not to mention infuriating, in case that wasn't obvious. why work hard for something when i don't even think it will matter to me? why compete for a prize not worth having? personal satisfaction? pride? REALLY? is that all i'm in this game for? there has simply GOT to be more than that, because i already have tons of pride and no accomplishments, so i don't need any more of that. and personal satisfaction is not something i've really ever experienced except on those wonderful occasions where someone laughs at my jokes. and i don't need to ladder climb for that, i just need to pay attention. so should i be some kind of nonprofit people helper, should i try my hand at business and be a ruthless corporate pawn, or should i pursue public service; politics, teaching, lobbying? or maybe i just want to go back to starbucks and wait for something exciting to happen, or just work at any office job and save up money to travel whenever i want to, or move to nyc and just work wherever someone hires me and drink a lot of cosmopolitans and buy expensive handbags, or maybe i should find a religious, cape-wearing type and get married in the next 3 months and immediately churn out some children. maybe i should work in daycare, or should i try my luck as a writer, and work to get something published? or maybe i should do marketing, go to graduate school and get a degree in business or advertising or teaching, or should i try to work for RAN or Amnesty International and sell peace to governments who are more interested in money? should i follow economics and watch as globalization takes over the world and we own our allegiance to large corporations instead of countries? should i try to cash in on the exploitive nature of these companies? should i be a hitwoman? maybe i can get a job for my dad. or maybe i should go into nursing.
i could reasonably do any of those things, or at least have a good shot at trying. i might never be very good at being a ruthless businesswoman, i might not be assertive enough (driven enough) to be an advocate at amnesty international, but if i wanted to, really wanted to, i could do it. i could do anything. but i don't want to do any of those things. i mean i have at one point, but i change my mind every week. literally every fucking week. and i would give anything to just get out of my own mind and into someone else's. someone who maybe only thinks every ten minutes, and never a thought more concentrated than "hmm, it's kinda cold out." and then they just STOP THINKING. flat out no thoughts at all. can you imagine? the beauty of that simplicity! the idea of being-picture this- CALM. everything i have just written here is what goes through my head every minute of every day. that's only a slight exxageration. what's it like to be you? are you like me or am i really as annoying and crazy as i think i am? and do any of you have any suggestions for what career path i should follow? mind you, if you say journalism, i will kill you. i think it's a good thing i'm so insecure, because if i weren't, i'd be a great ruthless businesswoman. step on everyone and become a professional bitch, and get rich from it and die in a plane crash over the pacific in my private plane, a multibillionaire at only age 31. i'd die alone, but people would remember me.
okay part two is that (perhaps you noticed) i have an overinflated sense of self importance. i think i'm smart, and if you look past how emotional i can be, i'm a very logical person. for all my self hatred, i take damn good care of myself. i have a very calculated impression of who i want people to think i am, and nothing makes me happier than thinking i've fooled people. last weekend, i told a friend at work that i see myself as someone who really doesn't fit in anywhere, that i always feel like i'm on the outside of people's social lives. she told me she'd always thought of me (she said especially in high school) as someone who is confident, popular, and self-assured. it was nice but i don't see it as a compliment because that's not at all how i see myself. rather, it's a testament to my being a good actress, at least to those who don't know me better. what i would like is for people to think that i am never upset, never wrong, never confused, never awkward. i would like for people to think i am perfect, actually. i mean i don't want them to really believe that, but i want, when people think of me, for them to not be able to say anything they hate about me. i want everyone i have ever met to like me.
talk about an emotionally stable approach to life. i know that not everyone's going to like me. i know that i get answers wrong, i don't always do well in class, i'm clumsy and people laugh at me, i say incredibly stupid things, i quit everything, i'm awkward and i have a poor memory and tend to be late for things. (in fact, right now, i am five minutes late for class. and i am in the library and my class is at glencairn. it takes me ten minutes to walk to glencairn. looks like i'm skipping class.)
what i really want is to just have some kind of goal for my future, other than being able to pay rent, that makes the present worth living through. all i have are abstract ideas, possibilities, potential. i don't believe in stability, it doesn't exist for me. i don't like depending on things-i don't want to ever be dependent on anything, which is already impossible because i need my parents to pay for things. i also need them to care about me. i need a lot of things that i can't provide for myself. that bothers me. so far, i can't even provide a future for myself. the past is understandable, i've only recently been old enough to legally take care of myself. but now i'm supposed to be doing things. i am supposed to BE somebody. right? everyone else is doing it. i feel like the only person with no direction, and even if you say you feel the same way, i don't believe you. i think i'm crazier than you. but maybe that's because i'm not as worried about you as i am about me.
so that's what's on my mind. i am open to suggestions. please don't read this like me looking for compliments. i don't hate myself...i just hate not know what i'm doing, or why i'm doing it. and everything else follows suit. you know, i wonder if anyone is going to read this and understand what i'm saying, or if any of you even care. do any of us really care about anything besides ourselves? i'm not sure. we all know we're supposed to...but sometimes it's hard, isn't it? i care about everyone of you, but sometimes i don't really know how to relate to you. i don't really feel like i fit in with you guys. i'm not sure i have much in common with you. or with anyone. i want you all to be happy. i want myself to be happy. i think most of us suck at being happy, and that makes me sad, which makes it hard to be happy, so sometimes i just don't want to be around people because i can't make them happy, and i can't make me happy, so what's the poing? haha i meant point. but "poing" is funnier. (more funny).
11 minutes late for class now, and i have to go because we're getting papers back. rough drafts. i hate when you do rough drafts in college. i'm not gonig to go. i have had to pee for a full half hour. "full half" is an oxy moron. i don't like writing on this thing because i think you're all judging me. raise your hand if you're reading this. anyone? anyone? i feel like i should go somewhere new but i also know it won't really make a difference. probably just be more expensive.
done now.
melissa
i spend a lot of time telling other people that they should stop hating themselves and go out in the world and try new things. "what are you afraid of?" i say, and "follow your heart," i tell them, as if it were the easiest thing in the world to even know what your heart is fucking saying to you. i say "you have no reason to be so insecure" to everyone, and i tell them that they're already doing great, so what's the problem? that's what i say to everyone else. and then it's my turn to need encouragement, and all i can do is think about how i shouldn't ever do anything because i'm so absurdly pathetic, etc etc etc, and then i think, really i should stop hating myself because what is the point, which is when i just stop thinking about it in general, and so overall nothing gets accomplished.
and what the hell do i even want out of life? i want everything and nothing. i believe in hard work, but i hate the idea of climbing any damned ladders. i just want to be DOING what matters to me. i hate that my dad tells me EVERY TIME I BRING IT UP that i should be a journalist. for god's sake i DONT WANT TO DO THAT so it's not HELPFUL to tell me that.
i don't know about you guys, whether you care or not or whether you know where you're going, but the fact that i don't have a definite idea of what i want makes every decision i have to make in the next two years incredibly difficult, not to mention infuriating, in case that wasn't obvious. why work hard for something when i don't even think it will matter to me? why compete for a prize not worth having? personal satisfaction? pride? REALLY? is that all i'm in this game for? there has simply GOT to be more than that, because i already have tons of pride and no accomplishments, so i don't need any more of that. and personal satisfaction is not something i've really ever experienced except on those wonderful occasions where someone laughs at my jokes. and i don't need to ladder climb for that, i just need to pay attention. so should i be some kind of nonprofit people helper, should i try my hand at business and be a ruthless corporate pawn, or should i pursue public service; politics, teaching, lobbying? or maybe i just want to go back to starbucks and wait for something exciting to happen, or just work at any office job and save up money to travel whenever i want to, or move to nyc and just work wherever someone hires me and drink a lot of cosmopolitans and buy expensive handbags, or maybe i should find a religious, cape-wearing type and get married in the next 3 months and immediately churn out some children. maybe i should work in daycare, or should i try my luck as a writer, and work to get something published? or maybe i should do marketing, go to graduate school and get a degree in business or advertising or teaching, or should i try to work for RAN or Amnesty International and sell peace to governments who are more interested in money? should i follow economics and watch as globalization takes over the world and we own our allegiance to large corporations instead of countries? should i try to cash in on the exploitive nature of these companies? should i be a hitwoman? maybe i can get a job for my dad. or maybe i should go into nursing.
i could reasonably do any of those things, or at least have a good shot at trying. i might never be very good at being a ruthless businesswoman, i might not be assertive enough (driven enough) to be an advocate at amnesty international, but if i wanted to, really wanted to, i could do it. i could do anything. but i don't want to do any of those things. i mean i have at one point, but i change my mind every week. literally every fucking week. and i would give anything to just get out of my own mind and into someone else's. someone who maybe only thinks every ten minutes, and never a thought more concentrated than "hmm, it's kinda cold out." and then they just STOP THINKING. flat out no thoughts at all. can you imagine? the beauty of that simplicity! the idea of being-picture this- CALM. everything i have just written here is what goes through my head every minute of every day. that's only a slight exxageration. what's it like to be you? are you like me or am i really as annoying and crazy as i think i am? and do any of you have any suggestions for what career path i should follow? mind you, if you say journalism, i will kill you. i think it's a good thing i'm so insecure, because if i weren't, i'd be a great ruthless businesswoman. step on everyone and become a professional bitch, and get rich from it and die in a plane crash over the pacific in my private plane, a multibillionaire at only age 31. i'd die alone, but people would remember me.
okay part two is that (perhaps you noticed) i have an overinflated sense of self importance. i think i'm smart, and if you look past how emotional i can be, i'm a very logical person. for all my self hatred, i take damn good care of myself. i have a very calculated impression of who i want people to think i am, and nothing makes me happier than thinking i've fooled people. last weekend, i told a friend at work that i see myself as someone who really doesn't fit in anywhere, that i always feel like i'm on the outside of people's social lives. she told me she'd always thought of me (she said especially in high school) as someone who is confident, popular, and self-assured. it was nice but i don't see it as a compliment because that's not at all how i see myself. rather, it's a testament to my being a good actress, at least to those who don't know me better. what i would like is for people to think that i am never upset, never wrong, never confused, never awkward. i would like for people to think i am perfect, actually. i mean i don't want them to really believe that, but i want, when people think of me, for them to not be able to say anything they hate about me. i want everyone i have ever met to like me.
talk about an emotionally stable approach to life. i know that not everyone's going to like me. i know that i get answers wrong, i don't always do well in class, i'm clumsy and people laugh at me, i say incredibly stupid things, i quit everything, i'm awkward and i have a poor memory and tend to be late for things. (in fact, right now, i am five minutes late for class. and i am in the library and my class is at glencairn. it takes me ten minutes to walk to glencairn. looks like i'm skipping class.)
what i really want is to just have some kind of goal for my future, other than being able to pay rent, that makes the present worth living through. all i have are abstract ideas, possibilities, potential. i don't believe in stability, it doesn't exist for me. i don't like depending on things-i don't want to ever be dependent on anything, which is already impossible because i need my parents to pay for things. i also need them to care about me. i need a lot of things that i can't provide for myself. that bothers me. so far, i can't even provide a future for myself. the past is understandable, i've only recently been old enough to legally take care of myself. but now i'm supposed to be doing things. i am supposed to BE somebody. right? everyone else is doing it. i feel like the only person with no direction, and even if you say you feel the same way, i don't believe you. i think i'm crazier than you. but maybe that's because i'm not as worried about you as i am about me.
so that's what's on my mind. i am open to suggestions. please don't read this like me looking for compliments. i don't hate myself...i just hate not know what i'm doing, or why i'm doing it. and everything else follows suit. you know, i wonder if anyone is going to read this and understand what i'm saying, or if any of you even care. do any of us really care about anything besides ourselves? i'm not sure. we all know we're supposed to...but sometimes it's hard, isn't it? i care about everyone of you, but sometimes i don't really know how to relate to you. i don't really feel like i fit in with you guys. i'm not sure i have much in common with you. or with anyone. i want you all to be happy. i want myself to be happy. i think most of us suck at being happy, and that makes me sad, which makes it hard to be happy, so sometimes i just don't want to be around people because i can't make them happy, and i can't make me happy, so what's the poing? haha i meant point. but "poing" is funnier. (more funny).
11 minutes late for class now, and i have to go because we're getting papers back. rough drafts. i hate when you do rough drafts in college. i'm not gonig to go. i have had to pee for a full half hour. "full half" is an oxy moron. i don't like writing on this thing because i think you're all judging me. raise your hand if you're reading this. anyone? anyone? i feel like i should go somewhere new but i also know it won't really make a difference. probably just be more expensive.
done now.
melissa