thoughts
about 2 minutes ago, i went back and read a lot of my journal. finding it hard to believe i put myself out on the internet so easily - no questions asked. and i really want to give it all up [ ashley and afton being the only ones i care who comment, yet i talk to them all the time and they know all about my life as it is ]
but i realized, no matter how many times i get rid of it, i'll still look back and read everyones. even when i dont comment. i feel the need. some of it makes me sad and upset. other makes me angry and confused at people i shouldn't be/that love me. it messes me up so much.
i really dont know what to do. i do want to just give it up. but other parts of me wants to remember these times. i have no childhood to remember. why can't i be 15 and a child? why can't this be my childhood?
but why would i want to look back at a confused little girl with no place in this world? so pathetic i am. but this is me.
and a tear rolls down my cheek. but you know - i'm not embarassed anymore. this is me the only me i can ever know. yes i have problems and i freak out at myself for no good reason. i go ballistic when i sit alone in my room...just with my imagination. i have these moments..maybe 3 times a day that i sit and cry [this being one] i sit and cry and whine and scream and yell at the people i love. i get a pain in the back and both sides of my head and i just want the world around me to freeze. i want this to be a photo album i look back on and know my mistakes. i dont want this to be my life.but it is. but i hate the fact that this is what i have made of it.
i dont even know. i dont know. and i know that i confuse the shit out of pat day after day being this way. because he couldn't give me more of his love. and he doesnt know what to do. i just want you to be there. and you are. you are all that's holding me together. and you're not doing anything wrong
everything is in my head. and how come after i realize it and want it to stop .. it doesnt? its all in my head.
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i tell myself this over and over ....it never helps
.. not that anyone cares if i don't write in here. comment if you ever read this journal. if you comment, i'll keep this. maybe you all think of me the way i stated myself above. maybe you all just can't wait for me to fuck off and find a real life. my pathetic self goes on and on and on ..and on
(((((((((((((((everything is okay)))))))))))))))