Your very own Fashion Police
I don’t typically allow myself to blog about fashion, because 1. I don’t think it would be that entertaining for at least half of the people reading this, and 2. my catty doppelgangers over at Go Fug Yourself pretty much do it for me.
But once a year, I indulge in a whirlwind of cattacular bitchiness, because there’s few things I love more than critiquing red carpet fashion, and there is NO red carpet better than the Oscars.
I’m not going to post photos because I am lazy, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can see these people HERE or HERE.
Meryl Streep
The Grand Dame of American Film can really wear whatever she wants - and she does. By comparison to other red carpets she’s walked in the past, this year’s gown was tame. But better-than-horrendous does not mean good. You know those Sci-Fi B movies about some future dystopia where everyone wears grey smocks and there’s no more war, but only because they take mind control pills or eat people or something? Meryl Street looked like the Supreme Empress of that world.
Brad and Angelina
I…loved both of them? I don’t really know what to say. These are the two hottest people on earth probably and they looked stunning. Yawn. I am, of course impressed with anyone who can make an entire outfit out of earrings. But I sort of wish one of them had shown up wearing a swan dress. I don’t care which one.
Jennifer Aniston
I am bored of how boring your outfits always are. I feel like, by sheer chance, you must stumble upon something exciting once in a while. No?
Kate Winslet
I thought her dress was very pretty. Not terribly risky, but elegant, and I think gunmetal is such a great color in satin. The hair though? First of all, wow, I hate her blond hair. It makes her entire head look like a mono-chromatic blob. The style was unflattering, severe, and didn’t fit with the dress.
Robert Pattinson
Uh, you are not, to my knowledge, an actual vampire. And while I understand you have an image to uphold, you also may want to consider not begging to be permanently typecast by showing up looking undead at an event where all of your potential future employers are. You may also want to consider seeking treatment for anemia.
SJP
Even if I didn’t think this dress was stupid all on its own, you are too old to wear it. Frankly, unless you are being introduced to society by your uppercrust parents at the local country club, you are probably too old to be wearing this dress. And, if you are going to wear a dress that is ugly and embarrassingly youthful, you should probably check that it fits and isn’t giving you weird quadra-cleavage.
Robert Downey Jr.
Nom. Nom nom nom. That is all.
Penelope Cruz
Mix-up on your calendar, Pen? I’m not judging. I’m sure I’ll accidentally show up somewhere in my wedding dress someday because I screwed up the weekends in my head. It could happen to anyone.
Amy Adams
There was a lot going on here. And together, it’s not terrible. But I think it’s a shame because separately, the various elements could have been stunning. While I support pretty much anyone who wore COLOR at this most-drab of Oscars, I think that necklace would have been so much lovelier with a simple white sheath. And that is a lot of dress. There is some interesting structure and a bold color, and lots of lines, all on a tiny frame. This is not one of those “best of both worlds” situation, Amy. One or the other.
Freida Pinto
This is likely my favorite dress of the night. It’s a risk. That one sleeve could have looked very silly, and it might have on someone else. But I do love when a risk pays off. That color is fantastic and the cut is interesting. Two thumbs way up. Jai ho.
Miley Cyrus
I think this dress looks like it is made of metal and porcelain and that it makes and terrible, grating noise every time she moves. Probably because I hear a noise like that every time I look at it. Also, they could shrink her and sell her alongside the Precious Moments in a Hallmark store, and that’s never a good sign.
Tiny Fey
Remember when you made jokes about not being pretty. That was absurd. Hot. Still would have liked to see a color, though.
Anne Hathaway
You almost had me, Ann Hathaway. You showed up in that snooze-tastic beige dress - you know, the same beige that every celebrity was inexplicably wearing this year - and I was like, wow, SNORE. And my dear fellow pale girls - when you wear a dress the exact same color as your skin, it makes your entire body blend into the background. Hell, if Kate Winslet had worn this beige dress with her terrible beige hair, she might have actually been INVISIBLE. Oh, but Anne Hathaway is, if nothing else, a survivor of bad decisions. Because at the actual event, she was swept onto stage in a ga-ga-ga-gorgeous gold beaded confection that hovers somewhere at the top of my personal “Best Dressed” list. Tricky, Hathaway. Very tricky.
Alicia Keys
Slam bang. Hair, make-up, dress (color!). Yes.
Jessica Biel
It is, I believe, still considered uncouth to tuck the tablecloth into your top at the dinner table. By extension, I’m going to say it’s bad manners to bring said tablecloth with you to the Oscars.
Tilda Swinton
I don’t even need to be snarky. I just love her. I can always rely on her to come to an event looking insane.
Virginia Madsen
Yes.
Children’s Cast of Slumdog Millionaire
Uh, get out of here, you cute things. You adorable innocence makes me feel bad for being such a bitch.
Reese Witherspoon
Wow, uh, are you aware that someone took a black garland and haphazardly stapled it all over your body? I mean, you must be. That isn't the kind of thing you miss. Worst Dressed of the night. For sure.
Queen Latifah
I almost missed this fetching little number, as she seems to be another who changed froma fairly boring red carpet gown to something much nicer for the show. I must have been filling my plate while she was singing, because I do enjoy this very much. The cut is flattering, the color pops, and I think it's black sash draped ever so slightly askew acheives what I suspect Reese Witherspoon's was trying to do but so overshot so very, very far.
Mickey Rourke
I could not have wished for something better than you showing up with your white suit and greasy hair and jewelry made with photos of your recently deceased Chihuahua. I’m glad you’re back. Really, though, I am. And I’m sorry your dog died.
.
But once a year, I indulge in a whirlwind of cattacular bitchiness, because there’s few things I love more than critiquing red carpet fashion, and there is NO red carpet better than the Oscars.
I’m not going to post photos because I am lazy, but if you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can see these people HERE or HERE.
Meryl Streep
The Grand Dame of American Film can really wear whatever she wants - and she does. By comparison to other red carpets she’s walked in the past, this year’s gown was tame. But better-than-horrendous does not mean good. You know those Sci-Fi B movies about some future dystopia where everyone wears grey smocks and there’s no more war, but only because they take mind control pills or eat people or something? Meryl Street looked like the Supreme Empress of that world.
Brad and Angelina
I…loved both of them? I don’t really know what to say. These are the two hottest people on earth probably and they looked stunning. Yawn. I am, of course impressed with anyone who can make an entire outfit out of earrings. But I sort of wish one of them had shown up wearing a swan dress. I don’t care which one.
Jennifer Aniston
I am bored of how boring your outfits always are. I feel like, by sheer chance, you must stumble upon something exciting once in a while. No?
Kate Winslet
I thought her dress was very pretty. Not terribly risky, but elegant, and I think gunmetal is such a great color in satin. The hair though? First of all, wow, I hate her blond hair. It makes her entire head look like a mono-chromatic blob. The style was unflattering, severe, and didn’t fit with the dress.
Robert Pattinson
Uh, you are not, to my knowledge, an actual vampire. And while I understand you have an image to uphold, you also may want to consider not begging to be permanently typecast by showing up looking undead at an event where all of your potential future employers are. You may also want to consider seeking treatment for anemia.
SJP
Even if I didn’t think this dress was stupid all on its own, you are too old to wear it. Frankly, unless you are being introduced to society by your uppercrust parents at the local country club, you are probably too old to be wearing this dress. And, if you are going to wear a dress that is ugly and embarrassingly youthful, you should probably check that it fits and isn’t giving you weird quadra-cleavage.
Robert Downey Jr.
Nom. Nom nom nom. That is all.
Penelope Cruz
Mix-up on your calendar, Pen? I’m not judging. I’m sure I’ll accidentally show up somewhere in my wedding dress someday because I screwed up the weekends in my head. It could happen to anyone.
Amy Adams
There was a lot going on here. And together, it’s not terrible. But I think it’s a shame because separately, the various elements could have been stunning. While I support pretty much anyone who wore COLOR at this most-drab of Oscars, I think that necklace would have been so much lovelier with a simple white sheath. And that is a lot of dress. There is some interesting structure and a bold color, and lots of lines, all on a tiny frame. This is not one of those “best of both worlds” situation, Amy. One or the other.
Freida Pinto
This is likely my favorite dress of the night. It’s a risk. That one sleeve could have looked very silly, and it might have on someone else. But I do love when a risk pays off. That color is fantastic and the cut is interesting. Two thumbs way up. Jai ho.
Miley Cyrus
I think this dress looks like it is made of metal and porcelain and that it makes and terrible, grating noise every time she moves. Probably because I hear a noise like that every time I look at it. Also, they could shrink her and sell her alongside the Precious Moments in a Hallmark store, and that’s never a good sign.
Tiny Fey
Remember when you made jokes about not being pretty. That was absurd. Hot. Still would have liked to see a color, though.
Anne Hathaway
You almost had me, Ann Hathaway. You showed up in that snooze-tastic beige dress - you know, the same beige that every celebrity was inexplicably wearing this year - and I was like, wow, SNORE. And my dear fellow pale girls - when you wear a dress the exact same color as your skin, it makes your entire body blend into the background. Hell, if Kate Winslet had worn this beige dress with her terrible beige hair, she might have actually been INVISIBLE. Oh, but Anne Hathaway is, if nothing else, a survivor of bad decisions. Because at the actual event, she was swept onto stage in a ga-ga-ga-gorgeous gold beaded confection that hovers somewhere at the top of my personal “Best Dressed” list. Tricky, Hathaway. Very tricky.
Alicia Keys
Slam bang. Hair, make-up, dress (color!). Yes.
Jessica Biel
It is, I believe, still considered uncouth to tuck the tablecloth into your top at the dinner table. By extension, I’m going to say it’s bad manners to bring said tablecloth with you to the Oscars.
Tilda Swinton
I don’t even need to be snarky. I just love her. I can always rely on her to come to an event looking insane.
Virginia Madsen
Yes.
Children’s Cast of Slumdog Millionaire
Uh, get out of here, you cute things. You adorable innocence makes me feel bad for being such a bitch.
Reese Witherspoon
Wow, uh, are you aware that someone took a black garland and haphazardly stapled it all over your body? I mean, you must be. That isn't the kind of thing you miss. Worst Dressed of the night. For sure.
Queen Latifah
I almost missed this fetching little number, as she seems to be another who changed froma fairly boring red carpet gown to something much nicer for the show. I must have been filling my plate while she was singing, because I do enjoy this very much. The cut is flattering, the color pops, and I think it's black sash draped ever so slightly askew acheives what I suspect Reese Witherspoon's was trying to do but so overshot so very, very far.
Mickey Rourke
I could not have wished for something better than you showing up with your white suit and greasy hair and jewelry made with photos of your recently deceased Chihuahua. I’m glad you’re back. Really, though, I am. And I’m sorry your dog died.
.