It's probably best if you just skip the body of this. Or just don't read it. Seriously.
A man, his wife, son, daughter, and dog (a Saint Bernard) walk into a talent agents office. The agent asks "what can I do for you?" The father replies "Well, we've got an act but we've been having trouble promoting ourselves, so we want you to promote us." The agent says "I'm sorry, I don't do family acts." But the father persisted, so he finally caved in and said "Fine, let me see the act."
The father takes a tape player out of a small bag and starts the tape. The an old, metallic circus tune quickly fills the room as the family removes all of their clothing. The wife juggles 3 half-gallon bottles of Everclear while the rest of the family gets the dog hard behind her. When the dog is good and ready, the wife lays down and lets the dog mount her, continuing to juggle. The daughter is getting a spit roast* from her brother and father. The wife, getting still getting a pelvic pounding from the dog, tosses a bottle to the father proceeds to open it and forces the alcohol down his sons throat. The wife tosses another bottle, and it's contents are also drained into the son. After the last bottle, the father donkey punches** his daughter, pulls out before he comes, throws her to the side, moves the dog, and produces a lighter. He then punches his son as hard as he can in the gut while holding the lit lighter in his face. The son spews a flaming alcohol/vomit mixture all over his mother. He pauses, looks at the agent, and says "A Jew, circa 1944." The son titty fucks his flaming mother until he blows his load on her face, then begins pissing on her to put out the flames. The father walks back to his dog, who is now licking his daughter's pink sock***, and once again pulls him off. He and the dog start 69ing in 'center stage' while the son and now fully doused mother shit on the floor in the background and dig the fecal matter out of the daughter, who is regaining consciousness at this point, and putting it all into a large pile. When the dog and father climax, the man gets up and smears the shit all over himself. THe rest of the family shouts "Lynch the nigger!" and begin beating him savagely with anything they can grab hold of. During this, the daughter walks over to the agent and says "Normally, we'd invite the audience to join in here. We believe in interaction between the performers and the crowd." She rejoins her family after they have beaten the shit off of the father and proclaims "There, we beat the black out of him. White Power!" The tape goes to the song "There's No Business Like Show Business" and the family makes a semi-circle around the dog. The wife shoves her arm up the dog's ass as far as she can and each family member grabs one of the dogs limbs and yank simultaneously. The wife tosses a leg of the dog to the talent agent and begins to sing along using the dogs torso as a ventriloquist's dummy for a duet while the rest of the family dances, using their dog parts as canes. At the end of the song, each family member covers their right hand in blood, crosses themself, and holds their hands up high screaming "Praise Jesus!" in unison. They take a large bite out of the dog flesh, bow, get redressed, and sit back down in front of the agent. (*Spit Roast = A girl giving one guy head whilst geting it from behind from another guy (usually anal). This creates an image similar to a pig getting spit roasted. **Donkey Punch = Towards the end of anal sex, the man bashes the reciever in the back of the head, knocking them out. This causes the sphincter to tighten up very tight around the penis. ***Pink Sock = When the penis is removed immediately after a donkey punch, the friction pulls part of the anus out. This resembles a pink sock.)
The agent is dumbfounded. He unconsciously asks "And what do you call this act?" To which the father replied:
"The Aristocrats!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plain Quote: "Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired." - Richard Kemph
David Quote: "I can't believe I actually wrote the dog part. I'm going to burn in Hell."
Last Consumables: Food = 5 Orange Tic-Tacs ---- Drink = Coca-Cola Cherry
Emotional Charger: People that talk, clap, or move excessively during movies. Especially when they're directly in front of me and I can't get away with kicking them in the back of the head. You are in a public place, not your moms living room. Shut the fuck up, sit your ass down and enjoy the fucking movie like we both paid money to do.
What Is Love?:
I recall that once upon a time, I was asked a question
A simple question by nature
One that I should know
A question of mere description for which an answer must surely belong
But a question with no true answer
With answers deeper than the darkest seas
She asked plainly and quite clear a simple question for me to clarify
“What” she asked “is Love?”
“What is Love?” I asked, more to myself than anyone
I began several different answers at once, none of which a real answer
Just the same old rhetoric that had been shoved down my throat since I was a kid
What is Love?
To like a friend very much, to never want to leave
To like Mommy and Daddy and even your siblings
But I knew this tripe is for children and children alone
What can Love be?
I settled down and began to think, all but this question closed from mind
What is Love?
What is Love?
The thought of Love in the common culture is less than clear
I may Love my wife as I may Love my beer
Love is a switch flipped on and off
Love is found on the television and on street corners
Love can be fallen in and out of like style
Love is physical and passionate
From the bottom of the heart, it pours to any willing recipient
What is Love?
Love is barely distinguishable from a myriad of other emotions
The joy of happiness, the care of affection, the lust of infatuation, the spite of envy,
Love is the summation of these, but more
Love is a trap, for the unprepared
Love takes no prisoners and shows no mercy
Love is a drug with a costly addiction
A life of desperation looking for the next fix
What is Love?
The teachings of old have some clue
Love is patient, Love is kind
Love is not boastful, proud, rude, self-glorifying, grudging, evil
Love is pure
Love is truth
Love is our shield and from it springs eternal hope and endearing faith
Love has no end
Love is the greatest of our intangibles
Without Love, we stand as nothing for nothing
What is Love?
Love is the thin strand of spider silk that has holds the intricate web of life together
Love holds the dangling Man over the abyss but will never let go
Love is the tie that binds the whole being of Earth as one
Love is the light of a crescent moon from which there is no turning back
Love constricts, frees, blinds, sees, demands, waits
Supports, abandons, praises, scorns, indulges, denies
Love is the unifying force that binds all of Humanity together
Love Is
“What is Love?” I was asked so long ago
A simple question by nature
One that I knew
“What is Love?” I asked to myself more than anyone
“Love,” I had decided, “is You and I.”
Peace
The father takes a tape player out of a small bag and starts the tape. The an old, metallic circus tune quickly fills the room as the family removes all of their clothing. The wife juggles 3 half-gallon bottles of Everclear while the rest of the family gets the dog hard behind her. When the dog is good and ready, the wife lays down and lets the dog mount her, continuing to juggle. The daughter is getting a spit roast* from her brother and father. The wife, getting still getting a pelvic pounding from the dog, tosses a bottle to the father proceeds to open it and forces the alcohol down his sons throat. The wife tosses another bottle, and it's contents are also drained into the son. After the last bottle, the father donkey punches** his daughter, pulls out before he comes, throws her to the side, moves the dog, and produces a lighter. He then punches his son as hard as he can in the gut while holding the lit lighter in his face. The son spews a flaming alcohol/vomit mixture all over his mother. He pauses, looks at the agent, and says "A Jew, circa 1944." The son titty fucks his flaming mother until he blows his load on her face, then begins pissing on her to put out the flames. The father walks back to his dog, who is now licking his daughter's pink sock***, and once again pulls him off. He and the dog start 69ing in 'center stage' while the son and now fully doused mother shit on the floor in the background and dig the fecal matter out of the daughter, who is regaining consciousness at this point, and putting it all into a large pile. When the dog and father climax, the man gets up and smears the shit all over himself. THe rest of the family shouts "Lynch the nigger!" and begin beating him savagely with anything they can grab hold of. During this, the daughter walks over to the agent and says "Normally, we'd invite the audience to join in here. We believe in interaction between the performers and the crowd." She rejoins her family after they have beaten the shit off of the father and proclaims "There, we beat the black out of him. White Power!" The tape goes to the song "There's No Business Like Show Business" and the family makes a semi-circle around the dog. The wife shoves her arm up the dog's ass as far as she can and each family member grabs one of the dogs limbs and yank simultaneously. The wife tosses a leg of the dog to the talent agent and begins to sing along using the dogs torso as a ventriloquist's dummy for a duet while the rest of the family dances, using their dog parts as canes. At the end of the song, each family member covers their right hand in blood, crosses themself, and holds their hands up high screaming "Praise Jesus!" in unison. They take a large bite out of the dog flesh, bow, get redressed, and sit back down in front of the agent. (*Spit Roast = A girl giving one guy head whilst geting it from behind from another guy (usually anal). This creates an image similar to a pig getting spit roasted. **Donkey Punch = Towards the end of anal sex, the man bashes the reciever in the back of the head, knocking them out. This causes the sphincter to tighten up very tight around the penis. ***Pink Sock = When the penis is removed immediately after a donkey punch, the friction pulls part of the anus out. This resembles a pink sock.)
The agent is dumbfounded. He unconsciously asks "And what do you call this act?" To which the father replied:
"The Aristocrats!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Plain Quote: "Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired." - Richard Kemph
David Quote: "I can't believe I actually wrote the dog part. I'm going to burn in Hell."
Last Consumables: Food = 5 Orange Tic-Tacs ---- Drink = Coca-Cola Cherry
Emotional Charger: People that talk, clap, or move excessively during movies. Especially when they're directly in front of me and I can't get away with kicking them in the back of the head. You are in a public place, not your moms living room. Shut the fuck up, sit your ass down and enjoy the fucking movie like we both paid money to do.
What Is Love?:
I recall that once upon a time, I was asked a question
A simple question by nature
One that I should know
A question of mere description for which an answer must surely belong
But a question with no true answer
With answers deeper than the darkest seas
She asked plainly and quite clear a simple question for me to clarify
“What” she asked “is Love?”
“What is Love?” I asked, more to myself than anyone
I began several different answers at once, none of which a real answer
Just the same old rhetoric that had been shoved down my throat since I was a kid
What is Love?
To like a friend very much, to never want to leave
To like Mommy and Daddy and even your siblings
But I knew this tripe is for children and children alone
What can Love be?
I settled down and began to think, all but this question closed from mind
What is Love?
What is Love?
The thought of Love in the common culture is less than clear
I may Love my wife as I may Love my beer
Love is a switch flipped on and off
Love is found on the television and on street corners
Love can be fallen in and out of like style
Love is physical and passionate
From the bottom of the heart, it pours to any willing recipient
What is Love?
Love is barely distinguishable from a myriad of other emotions
The joy of happiness, the care of affection, the lust of infatuation, the spite of envy,
Love is the summation of these, but more
Love is a trap, for the unprepared
Love takes no prisoners and shows no mercy
Love is a drug with a costly addiction
A life of desperation looking for the next fix
What is Love?
The teachings of old have some clue
Love is patient, Love is kind
Love is not boastful, proud, rude, self-glorifying, grudging, evil
Love is pure
Love is truth
Love is our shield and from it springs eternal hope and endearing faith
Love has no end
Love is the greatest of our intangibles
Without Love, we stand as nothing for nothing
What is Love?
Love is the thin strand of spider silk that has holds the intricate web of life together
Love holds the dangling Man over the abyss but will never let go
Love is the tie that binds the whole being of Earth as one
Love is the light of a crescent moon from which there is no turning back
Love constricts, frees, blinds, sees, demands, waits
Supports, abandons, praises, scorns, indulges, denies
Love is the unifying force that binds all of Humanity together
Love Is
“What is Love?” I was asked so long ago
A simple question by nature
One that I knew
“What is Love?” I asked to myself more than anyone
“Love,” I had decided, “is You and I.”
Peace