"I like to try too hard, in every aspect." [The Invasion]
Though I’ve wanted to, I’ve never seen Invasion of the Body Snatchers, the original film on which The Invasion is based. My closest exposure to it, beyond mere pop culture references, was a Northwestern University student theatre group’s interpretation of the movie, which meant that most of them just walked around dead-eyed (how that is different from how Northwestern students normally act, I don’t know…I kid, I kid). So I’m going into this relatively fresh, or as fresh as can be when it’s hot as balls both outside and in.
Of course, since Nicole Kidman is in this movie, it’s pretty much guaranteed to suck. And she had so much promise in Moulin Rouge!, The Others, and The Hours…
Why are bad things always preceded by malfunctioning fluorescent lights? It’s not like-GAH! A MONSTER! Oh, no, wait, it’s just Nicole Kidman. Sorry, the Botox always throws me off. She’s in a ransacked grocery store, which, I don’t know about y’all, would terrify me because I love grocery shopping, so not having anything would just drive me insane.
She’s chugging Mountain Dew to keep herself awake, which is exactly what I did during my 36 hour drive from Florida. And you know what? It totes worked.
Some space shuttle exploded, and this hick says that the shuttle could be “contaminated.” *dun dun dun* But of course some grandmotherly woman touched it, because God forbid she actually heed the advice of the man with the huge gun. The dialogue becomes so stilted-“the bitter cold of space and the searing heat of reentry”-but it’s made even more ridiculous by the fact that, not only does a little girl manage to get past all the security to walk up to the Important Dude in the Fancy Suit, but after he cuts his finger on the organism that can withstand the bitter cold of space and the searing heat of reentry (it sounds stilted even when written in a sentence), he simply gets into his car. Like, oh, ok, let me ignore everything the NASA guy told me about this freaky space algae shit and just relax in the back of my cushy ride. Well-played, Important Dude in the Fancy Suit; well-played.
Puppy! Ooo, puppy knows what’s up; it growls at IDitFS, who is now not!IDitFS. His new wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy is pissed off at him for being absent from home, and she says some foreshadow-y stuff about sleeping in her own bed. She strips to go to sleep-do people really sleep naked?-yet doesn’t hear her husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy very disturbingly transforming into an as-yet-undetermined monster. Someone’s taking her Ambien regularly…
And: cut to Nicole Kidman! Sometimes I forget how pretty she is, mostly because her forehead doesn’t show any emotion whatsoever. But, really, she’s a cutie, and her see-through white pajama pants aren’t hearing any complaints from me. There’s a prominent close-up of a Karl Jung book, which makes me think one of his theories is going to come into play somewhere down the line.
It turns out not!IDitFS is Nicole Kidman’s ex-husband, but he’s acting so strangely that she understandably hangs up on him. I’m assuming she’s much more perceptive than not!IDitFS’ wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy, who I fear by this point is either dead or dead-eyed.
“I checked the weather report: no rain. Juuuuust candy.” Brilliant. Just like the little son’s Superman costume. And he lets his mom kiss him! Aww. I hope they don’t die.
ZOMG DANIEL CRAIG! He’s throwing around conspiracy theories, and it’s making me so hot. *mmm anarchists* He becomes all sensitive and soothes Nicole Kidman’s nerves, then invites her out for Czech dinner, specifically goulash. I think I’m in love.
And, in an ironic twist, the black receptionist with the curly hair is named…Curly. Fan-fucking-tastic. And in an even more ironic twist, Nicole Kidman is playing a psychiatrist. Her patient uses her inability to drink tea as a metaphor for not being able to deal with life, which is so wrong because tea solves every problem in life; just ask any Polish person. We know what’s up. And then, we finally reach the point: “My husband is not my husband.” So, wait. You’re not legally married? Your actual husband was killed in Vietnam then replaced by someone pretending to be him? Your husband is actually…a woman? Oh, no, it’s about how he acts. Apparently, he’s not as volatile towards her anymore. And, why is this a bad thing? Again, the dog freaked. You know shit’s bad when dogs freak out.
…the not!husband killed the dog. Oh, so that’s why it’s a bad thing.
Predictably, Nicole Kidman just gives the woman more meds. There’s some family stuff, and then some trick-o-treating, but Nicole Kidman just wants to talk about her son’s nightmares. What a killjoy. Some dog freaks out, and it runs after the one little boy who then almost breaks the dog’s jaw. It’s really creepy, but I’m more shocked, in the context of this film tending to clobber the viewer over the head with visual references, that that kid wasn’t dressed like an alien. The kid’s mom, in a moment of superb astuteness, says, “Maybe it’s that bug that’s been going around.” Really? If my kid was suddenly uninterested in candy and managed to clamp a dog’s jaw shut, I would think it was something just a teensy weensy bit more important than, say, the flu.
What the…what the fuck? There’s some skin or something on Nicole Kidman’s son, and she brings it to Daniel Craig, who is a doctor.. *swoon* Token Black Dude tells them what the sample is, but meanwhile, the news is all “it’s a deadly flu.” For serious! Influenza isn’t exactly difficult to identify, so either every doctor in America is a pod-person or an idiot. Or, what is more likely the case, the American government somehow paid off every doctor to get them to claim that it's just the flu. Obvs. Some woman asks a really good question of the CDC-if they just discovered the flu, how could they have a cure ready so quickly? And, in true American government administrative fashion, she is snuffed out by being given coffee with two teaspoons full of “deadly flu.” Excellent.
OH MY GOD EW THE WAITERS JUST VOMITED IN THE COFFEE! AND NOT EVEN IN THE BACKROOM-OUT IN THE OPEN! Talk about puke-clear transparency.
Nicole Kidman’s patient’s creepy husband comes in to try to get her, and I wonder just how and why a patient who’s in a volatile relationship would tell that volatile partner that she’s been seeing a psychiatrist to get out of the volatile relationship. After Nicole Kidman manages to warn her patient, there’s some witty banter between Nicole Kidman and her son about pickles-I shit you not-and some crazy woman runs in front of their car, screaming something about “them coming.” She gets mowed down by a man who obviously feels NOTHING, and Nicole Kidman tries to justify her presence by first saying she’s a doctor-disputable-then saying she’s a witness-atta girl--before questioning the officer as to why he took down her plates. This is turning into some crazy authoritarian police state nonsense up in here.
Nicole Kidman drops off Oliver (her son, fyi) with her ex-husband, who is even creepier now than over the phone. How does a psychiatrist not realize what’s going on? Instead, Nicole Kidman goes to some party; it’s raining like crazy, but Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig have their own personal umbrella handler, kind of like Diddy, except much more attractive and WASP-y. The party they go to is super formal, but it’s hosted by Czechs, so it’s all good.
Nicole Kidman’s son and his friend talk about something being wrong with their dads; you know you’re a bad psychiatrist when your 8-year-old and his equally aged comrade are more perceptive than you are.
Oh, goodness, there’s some dialogue that is unironically great:
“What you need is what every Czech needs: a stiff Russian boot up your behind.”
“Pity they don’t make Russian boots anymore. They’re all made in China.”
“You know what Czechoslovakia means in Russian, Doctor? It means ‘doormat.’”
“Someone still speaks Russian? I thought it was a dead language.”
“”Can you give me a pill? Make me see the world the way you Americans see it? Can a pill make me understand Iraq, or Darfur, or even New Orleans?”
The entire extent of the writers’ talent was used on this scene, and I am highly appreciative of it. Anything that references Soviet Russia AND manages to subvert the current administration gets an A+ from me. Unfortunately, now this movie has become some big sociopolitical satire, and I am quite convinced it cannot live up to that distinction.
Nicole Kidman speechifies some, and then the Czechs talk about marriage and the woman, in true Eastern European fashion, says, “Think of the children you could have!” Eastern Europeans: invite us to the party and we’ll provide the entertainment.
Daniel Craig tries to make out with Nicole Kidman, but she’s all “let’s just be friends,” and Daniel Craig us surprisingly ok with it. Once inside Nicole Kidman’s house, there’s a knock at the door, and Nicole Kidman does a dramatic turn to see some “census” guy at the door, but she, intelligently, deadbolts him out, but then he tries to get in, and to be honest with you, it IS kind of creepy, but mostly because the teapot is squealing in the background and I’m flipping out about the house potentially burning down.
Daniel Craig comes over and tries to cook pancakes for Nicole Kidman (he burns them--what a man), and on her way to work, Nicole Kidman encounters a whole mess of dead-eyed people. Methinks her Botox-ed forehead is going to come in handy when she’s one of the only people left who hasn’t come down with the “flu.” There’s a montage of everything that’s happened in the movie so far-just in case you somehow missed it-and Nicole Kidman actually Googles the phrase “My husband is not my husband” to see what comes up. Um. What? Personally, I’d go to WebMD (“Where is the pain?” “In the brain.” “You may have: fake deadly flu.”), but to each their own.
Curly brings Nicole Kidman some tea, but her downfall is interrupted by a phone call, and Token Black Guy gets his second chance to be smart and explain what’s going on in a slew of scientific mumbo jumbo that boils down to:
1. It’s like a virus, but not
2. It can’t be destroyed (bitter cold of space and searing heat of reentry and all that)
3. It fucks with our genetic expression!
In summation: “deadly flu” FTW.
Oh…oh no. The Czech woman is worried, and suddenly we see the actual transformation of the Russian diplomat going on-and again, how did she manage to see this, but not!IDitFS’s bedmate was totally oblivious? How?! Czech woman says the Czech equivalent of “O moj Boze,” which means “Oh my God,” and I get all excited because I understood and ZOMG EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE AWESOME. Also: down with the Russian. How’s life behind the Iron Curtain now, bitch?
Not!Russian attacks Nicole Kidman, then crawls away in a very Exorcist kind of way before dying because of “REM sleep interruption.” Note to self: next time someone wakes me up early, I’m going to claim that I might suffer “cardiac arrest due to REM sleep interruption.”
Nicole Kidman goes to her ex-husband’s house and asks some questions about what the CDC (who I just now realized not!IDitFS is head of) is actually inoculating people with, but when she tries to leave, the house is surrounded, and not!IDitFS tries to convince her that becoming a pod-person is good for her. Not!IDitFS jumps on Nicole Kidman then SPITS on her to infect her, and then Nicole Kidman runs away and drives erratically, yet not erratically enough to kill some pod-people who then start to chase her. In a flashback to the earlier scene where the woman got hit by the car-and in a flashback to lazy writing-Nicole Kidman is now running around in the street, begging people for help. It wasn’t a good idea then, so why should it be a good idea now?
I expect, morbidly, that Nicole Kidman will get run over, but instead, she gets on the DC metro, which is decidedly cleaner than the NYC metro-and she has service in the tunnels! Holy shit! Oh, no, wait, she doesn’t. Now I don’t feel as inadequate. Someone tells Nicole Kidman that she can fool the pod-people by just not showing any emotion (Botox to the rescue, motherfuckers!), and there’s some more spitting and infecting and grabbing, but Nicole Kidman jumps out onto the metro tracks, which is obvs so smart considering all the electrical noises emanating from around the train. She’s running through some tunnels, then, when faced with shooting one of the pod-people, Nicole Kidman stops because the movie brings up a question that, if done correctly, could have really made this movie good-what makes us human? Is killing a humanoid creature, one with a family and children, one who has the consciousness of a human being but without the actual emotions, the same as killing an actual human? But I’m apparently making this movie too smart, probably because there wasn’t a new episode of Battlestar Galactica last week, and I’m missing my weekly dose of the delicious Number Six.
Heeding the advice of the black dude-who is now predictably dead-Nicole Kidman calms herself down to try to fit in with the pod-people but she’s still sweating, so yet another wise black dude comes up and tells her that “they don’t do that.” What is this? An after-school special on the dangers of peer pressure?
You know, I think it is.
And, to finally match the acting abilities of most of the people in this movie, the dialogue becomes purposely stilted: the pod-people start using “fake voice.” I feel like I’ve stumbled into a documentary about the Upper East Side. The fact that Nicole Kidman has no idea where her son is kind of adds to that notion.
It seems like the Czechs’ house is the stronghold, except then the male Czech turns out to be a pod-person, and of course he lets in a bunch more pod-people, thereby creating a kind of hilarious allegory of how communism came to the Czech Republic (then known as Czechoslovakia, obvs). I wonder if that was in the original film? If so, then bravo for that biting satire.
There’s some determined walking, and more scenes of the police taking people away-see what I meant about an authoritarian police state? Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig steal a police car, and Daniel Craig dresses up as an officer, which is a little too awesome.
Hah! “Her husband is infected with an alien virus, and I prescribed her an anti-psychotic.” Of course, this is all played out in a scene where it seems like prescription drugs are what gave that one patient of Nicole Kidman’s immunity from the virus. And to that I say: well-played, pharmaceutical companies. Well-played.
Oh, no, wait, they think some new strain of chicken pox, ADEM, is the reason she’s immune. And, amazingly, Nicole Kidman’s son also had ADEM. Of course. Except: roadblock! Both literally and metaphorically. They’re quarantining the city, and Nicole Kidman admits to having the virus. So, we go from an after school special about peer pressure, to a documentary about the Upper East Side, to an after school special on STDs. And Daniel Craig’s response-that he still loves her/will do anything for her-kind of supports my theory that this is all, “Your partner will understand if you just tell them.”
Nicole Kidman gets on a ridiculously clean train, and I am absolutely amazed a how nice it is. It almost makes me wish I went to school in DC. But it’s all kind of ruined by the fact that, every time Nicole Kidman almost falls asleep, they show some CGI crap about the virus attaching itself to her T-cells. Then her son’s friend is outside, and he agrees to lock her inside so she can transform, and then he OPENS THE DOOR WHILE SHE IS HALF-NAKED. What a cheeky/lucky little fellow. Nicole Kidman used the remnants of some other person’s transformation to make it seem like she had transformed, which is kind of disgusting because it’s like she took someone else’s scabs and attached them to her body. Ew.
Oh, back to the UES documentary: let’s all go to the nice house, meet grandma, and have an awkward dinner! Aw, denial. So black-heart-warming.
They’re eating mashed potatoes, so now I really want some.
Look! It’s Nicole Kidman’s son! There’s a standoff between them to see who lets down their façade again, but then they talk about pickles! Again! Like, “Oh, I’m really glad you’re alive…” “Pickles!” And, in an amazing turn of events, Nicole Kidman knocks out a little boy. Fantastic. Nicole Kidman and her son run away, and are predictably chased by pod-people led by Nicole Kidman’s ex-husband, and by this point I think it has less to do with them not being changed and more to do with the fact that her ex-husband just wants revenge. Also, just to prove pod-people care more about being good parents than regular people, custody. Obvs.
There’s some talk about how a psychiatrist should understand about “making people feel better,” since they give out pills, and then he says how he was “third on her list of things to love.” See! Revenge! Nicole Kidman and her son tag-team the ex-husband to knock him out, and then they run! They run like the Dickens! To…a pharmacy. This would be surprising if it hadn’t happened in the first few scenes of the movie. Also, it scares me that I know precisely what she should be taking to stay awake: Adderall (thanks, NYU!) or adrenaline (thanks, Jason Statham in Crank!). Except, she grabs insulin. Best stock up on some chocolate, too, doll (thanks, Paul Verhoeven’s Black Book!).
The son tries to use a water fountain, and there’s blood right over it. That’s some good parenting right there, Nicole Kidman. Then she gets yet another Darwin Award by going into the room filled with transforming pod people just for a gun. I mean, the practicality is there, but really, was it worth it? Maybz. Daniel Craig is taking super long to get to them. There’s some more Pepsi product placement, and Nicole Kidman falls asleep-except, she should not be entering REM that quickly, so it’s kind of a moot point anyway. Nevertheless, her son tries to wake her, and he actually, no joke, takes the needle and sticks it in her heart! That kid could totes teach some lessons to the idiot/pod-people doctors of America. He’s like Doogie Howser 2.0.
Daniel Craig arrives and, in a twist even my 12-year-old, semi-retarded dog saw coming, he is now a pod-person. He’s all “You were wrong to fight them,” and it’s very “Take the blue pill.” Nicole Kidman shoots all the pod-people (thereby, I suppose, proving that getting the gun was useful-I stand corrected), including Daniel Craig, because obviously, she’s taken enough blue pills to last her a lifetime, so now she’s all about the red pill. There’s a chase scene involving a Jaguar, which has pod-people hanging off it, and Token Black Dude-who is not so token anymore-tells them to go to some building, and-HOLY SHIT A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL! AWESOME! The car is on fire! Wee!
Somehow, they get inside the building to go to the roof, and Nicole Kidman actually lets out a Xena-like roar as she bludgeons a guy with a fire extinguisher (hey, use what you got, right?). They escape in the helicopter, but I sense impending doom anyway.
Aaaaand, there’s the Jung theory! The virus created a walking form of unconsciousness so people who were infetced don’t remember what happened. Everything seems to be back to normal, and-oh. That’s the end.
Moral of this story? Violence, war, anger, hatred, intolerance, rape, struggle, suffering, famine, pestilence, etc. are what make us human. And…we’re better for it? I think?
Oddly enough, in the Special Features, they claim this version showcases a fear of terrorism and infectious disease-and here I thought it showcased a fear of authoritarianism and a dumbing down of society. They also talk a lot about “the other,” and I have to stop writing now because I am having a nerdgasm.
Click to viewOf course, since Nicole Kidman is in this movie, it’s pretty much guaranteed to suck. And she had so much promise in Moulin Rouge!, The Others, and The Hours…
Why are bad things always preceded by malfunctioning fluorescent lights? It’s not like-GAH! A MONSTER! Oh, no, wait, it’s just Nicole Kidman. Sorry, the Botox always throws me off. She’s in a ransacked grocery store, which, I don’t know about y’all, would terrify me because I love grocery shopping, so not having anything would just drive me insane.
She’s chugging Mountain Dew to keep herself awake, which is exactly what I did during my 36 hour drive from Florida. And you know what? It totes worked.
Some space shuttle exploded, and this hick says that the shuttle could be “contaminated.” *dun dun dun* But of course some grandmotherly woman touched it, because God forbid she actually heed the advice of the man with the huge gun. The dialogue becomes so stilted-“the bitter cold of space and the searing heat of reentry”-but it’s made even more ridiculous by the fact that, not only does a little girl manage to get past all the security to walk up to the Important Dude in the Fancy Suit, but after he cuts his finger on the organism that can withstand the bitter cold of space and the searing heat of reentry (it sounds stilted even when written in a sentence), he simply gets into his car. Like, oh, ok, let me ignore everything the NASA guy told me about this freaky space algae shit and just relax in the back of my cushy ride. Well-played, Important Dude in the Fancy Suit; well-played.
Puppy! Ooo, puppy knows what’s up; it growls at IDitFS, who is now not!IDitFS. His new wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy is pissed off at him for being absent from home, and she says some foreshadow-y stuff about sleeping in her own bed. She strips to go to sleep-do people really sleep naked?-yet doesn’t hear her husband/boyfriend/fuck buddy very disturbingly transforming into an as-yet-undetermined monster. Someone’s taking her Ambien regularly…
And: cut to Nicole Kidman! Sometimes I forget how pretty she is, mostly because her forehead doesn’t show any emotion whatsoever. But, really, she’s a cutie, and her see-through white pajama pants aren’t hearing any complaints from me. There’s a prominent close-up of a Karl Jung book, which makes me think one of his theories is going to come into play somewhere down the line.
It turns out not!IDitFS is Nicole Kidman’s ex-husband, but he’s acting so strangely that she understandably hangs up on him. I’m assuming she’s much more perceptive than not!IDitFS’ wife/girlfriend/fuck buddy, who I fear by this point is either dead or dead-eyed.
“I checked the weather report: no rain. Juuuuust candy.” Brilliant. Just like the little son’s Superman costume. And he lets his mom kiss him! Aww. I hope they don’t die.
ZOMG DANIEL CRAIG! He’s throwing around conspiracy theories, and it’s making me so hot. *mmm anarchists* He becomes all sensitive and soothes Nicole Kidman’s nerves, then invites her out for Czech dinner, specifically goulash. I think I’m in love.
And, in an ironic twist, the black receptionist with the curly hair is named…Curly. Fan-fucking-tastic. And in an even more ironic twist, Nicole Kidman is playing a psychiatrist. Her patient uses her inability to drink tea as a metaphor for not being able to deal with life, which is so wrong because tea solves every problem in life; just ask any Polish person. We know what’s up. And then, we finally reach the point: “My husband is not my husband.” So, wait. You’re not legally married? Your actual husband was killed in Vietnam then replaced by someone pretending to be him? Your husband is actually…a woman? Oh, no, it’s about how he acts. Apparently, he’s not as volatile towards her anymore. And, why is this a bad thing? Again, the dog freaked. You know shit’s bad when dogs freak out.
…the not!husband killed the dog. Oh, so that’s why it’s a bad thing.
Predictably, Nicole Kidman just gives the woman more meds. There’s some family stuff, and then some trick-o-treating, but Nicole Kidman just wants to talk about her son’s nightmares. What a killjoy. Some dog freaks out, and it runs after the one little boy who then almost breaks the dog’s jaw. It’s really creepy, but I’m more shocked, in the context of this film tending to clobber the viewer over the head with visual references, that that kid wasn’t dressed like an alien. The kid’s mom, in a moment of superb astuteness, says, “Maybe it’s that bug that’s been going around.” Really? If my kid was suddenly uninterested in candy and managed to clamp a dog’s jaw shut, I would think it was something just a teensy weensy bit more important than, say, the flu.
What the…what the fuck? There’s some skin or something on Nicole Kidman’s son, and she brings it to Daniel Craig, who is a doctor.. *swoon* Token Black Dude tells them what the sample is, but meanwhile, the news is all “it’s a deadly flu.” For serious! Influenza isn’t exactly difficult to identify, so either every doctor in America is a pod-person or an idiot. Or, what is more likely the case, the American government somehow paid off every doctor to get them to claim that it's just the flu. Obvs. Some woman asks a really good question of the CDC-if they just discovered the flu, how could they have a cure ready so quickly? And, in true American government administrative fashion, she is snuffed out by being given coffee with two teaspoons full of “deadly flu.” Excellent.
OH MY GOD EW THE WAITERS JUST VOMITED IN THE COFFEE! AND NOT EVEN IN THE BACKROOM-OUT IN THE OPEN! Talk about puke-clear transparency.
Nicole Kidman’s patient’s creepy husband comes in to try to get her, and I wonder just how and why a patient who’s in a volatile relationship would tell that volatile partner that she’s been seeing a psychiatrist to get out of the volatile relationship. After Nicole Kidman manages to warn her patient, there’s some witty banter between Nicole Kidman and her son about pickles-I shit you not-and some crazy woman runs in front of their car, screaming something about “them coming.” She gets mowed down by a man who obviously feels NOTHING, and Nicole Kidman tries to justify her presence by first saying she’s a doctor-disputable-then saying she’s a witness-atta girl--before questioning the officer as to why he took down her plates. This is turning into some crazy authoritarian police state nonsense up in here.
Nicole Kidman drops off Oliver (her son, fyi) with her ex-husband, who is even creepier now than over the phone. How does a psychiatrist not realize what’s going on? Instead, Nicole Kidman goes to some party; it’s raining like crazy, but Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig have their own personal umbrella handler, kind of like Diddy, except much more attractive and WASP-y. The party they go to is super formal, but it’s hosted by Czechs, so it’s all good.
Nicole Kidman’s son and his friend talk about something being wrong with their dads; you know you’re a bad psychiatrist when your 8-year-old and his equally aged comrade are more perceptive than you are.
Oh, goodness, there’s some dialogue that is unironically great:
“What you need is what every Czech needs: a stiff Russian boot up your behind.”
“Pity they don’t make Russian boots anymore. They’re all made in China.”
“You know what Czechoslovakia means in Russian, Doctor? It means ‘doormat.’”
“Someone still speaks Russian? I thought it was a dead language.”
“”Can you give me a pill? Make me see the world the way you Americans see it? Can a pill make me understand Iraq, or Darfur, or even New Orleans?”
The entire extent of the writers’ talent was used on this scene, and I am highly appreciative of it. Anything that references Soviet Russia AND manages to subvert the current administration gets an A+ from me. Unfortunately, now this movie has become some big sociopolitical satire, and I am quite convinced it cannot live up to that distinction.
Nicole Kidman speechifies some, and then the Czechs talk about marriage and the woman, in true Eastern European fashion, says, “Think of the children you could have!” Eastern Europeans: invite us to the party and we’ll provide the entertainment.
Daniel Craig tries to make out with Nicole Kidman, but she’s all “let’s just be friends,” and Daniel Craig us surprisingly ok with it. Once inside Nicole Kidman’s house, there’s a knock at the door, and Nicole Kidman does a dramatic turn to see some “census” guy at the door, but she, intelligently, deadbolts him out, but then he tries to get in, and to be honest with you, it IS kind of creepy, but mostly because the teapot is squealing in the background and I’m flipping out about the house potentially burning down.
Daniel Craig comes over and tries to cook pancakes for Nicole Kidman (he burns them--what a man), and on her way to work, Nicole Kidman encounters a whole mess of dead-eyed people. Methinks her Botox-ed forehead is going to come in handy when she’s one of the only people left who hasn’t come down with the “flu.” There’s a montage of everything that’s happened in the movie so far-just in case you somehow missed it-and Nicole Kidman actually Googles the phrase “My husband is not my husband” to see what comes up. Um. What? Personally, I’d go to WebMD (“Where is the pain?” “In the brain.” “You may have: fake deadly flu.”), but to each their own.
Curly brings Nicole Kidman some tea, but her downfall is interrupted by a phone call, and Token Black Guy gets his second chance to be smart and explain what’s going on in a slew of scientific mumbo jumbo that boils down to:
1. It’s like a virus, but not
2. It can’t be destroyed (bitter cold of space and searing heat of reentry and all that)
3. It fucks with our genetic expression!
In summation: “deadly flu” FTW.
Oh…oh no. The Czech woman is worried, and suddenly we see the actual transformation of the Russian diplomat going on-and again, how did she manage to see this, but not!IDitFS’s bedmate was totally oblivious? How?! Czech woman says the Czech equivalent of “O moj Boze,” which means “Oh my God,” and I get all excited because I understood and ZOMG EASTERN EUROPEANS ARE AWESOME. Also: down with the Russian. How’s life behind the Iron Curtain now, bitch?
Not!Russian attacks Nicole Kidman, then crawls away in a very Exorcist kind of way before dying because of “REM sleep interruption.” Note to self: next time someone wakes me up early, I’m going to claim that I might suffer “cardiac arrest due to REM sleep interruption.”
Nicole Kidman goes to her ex-husband’s house and asks some questions about what the CDC (who I just now realized not!IDitFS is head of) is actually inoculating people with, but when she tries to leave, the house is surrounded, and not!IDitFS tries to convince her that becoming a pod-person is good for her. Not!IDitFS jumps on Nicole Kidman then SPITS on her to infect her, and then Nicole Kidman runs away and drives erratically, yet not erratically enough to kill some pod-people who then start to chase her. In a flashback to the earlier scene where the woman got hit by the car-and in a flashback to lazy writing-Nicole Kidman is now running around in the street, begging people for help. It wasn’t a good idea then, so why should it be a good idea now?
I expect, morbidly, that Nicole Kidman will get run over, but instead, she gets on the DC metro, which is decidedly cleaner than the NYC metro-and she has service in the tunnels! Holy shit! Oh, no, wait, she doesn’t. Now I don’t feel as inadequate. Someone tells Nicole Kidman that she can fool the pod-people by just not showing any emotion (Botox to the rescue, motherfuckers!), and there’s some more spitting and infecting and grabbing, but Nicole Kidman jumps out onto the metro tracks, which is obvs so smart considering all the electrical noises emanating from around the train. She’s running through some tunnels, then, when faced with shooting one of the pod-people, Nicole Kidman stops because the movie brings up a question that, if done correctly, could have really made this movie good-what makes us human? Is killing a humanoid creature, one with a family and children, one who has the consciousness of a human being but without the actual emotions, the same as killing an actual human? But I’m apparently making this movie too smart, probably because there wasn’t a new episode of Battlestar Galactica last week, and I’m missing my weekly dose of the delicious Number Six.
Heeding the advice of the black dude-who is now predictably dead-Nicole Kidman calms herself down to try to fit in with the pod-people but she’s still sweating, so yet another wise black dude comes up and tells her that “they don’t do that.” What is this? An after-school special on the dangers of peer pressure?
You know, I think it is.
And, to finally match the acting abilities of most of the people in this movie, the dialogue becomes purposely stilted: the pod-people start using “fake voice.” I feel like I’ve stumbled into a documentary about the Upper East Side. The fact that Nicole Kidman has no idea where her son is kind of adds to that notion.
It seems like the Czechs’ house is the stronghold, except then the male Czech turns out to be a pod-person, and of course he lets in a bunch more pod-people, thereby creating a kind of hilarious allegory of how communism came to the Czech Republic (then known as Czechoslovakia, obvs). I wonder if that was in the original film? If so, then bravo for that biting satire.
There’s some determined walking, and more scenes of the police taking people away-see what I meant about an authoritarian police state? Nicole Kidman and Daniel Craig steal a police car, and Daniel Craig dresses up as an officer, which is a little too awesome.
Hah! “Her husband is infected with an alien virus, and I prescribed her an anti-psychotic.” Of course, this is all played out in a scene where it seems like prescription drugs are what gave that one patient of Nicole Kidman’s immunity from the virus. And to that I say: well-played, pharmaceutical companies. Well-played.
Oh, no, wait, they think some new strain of chicken pox, ADEM, is the reason she’s immune. And, amazingly, Nicole Kidman’s son also had ADEM. Of course. Except: roadblock! Both literally and metaphorically. They’re quarantining the city, and Nicole Kidman admits to having the virus. So, we go from an after school special about peer pressure, to a documentary about the Upper East Side, to an after school special on STDs. And Daniel Craig’s response-that he still loves her/will do anything for her-kind of supports my theory that this is all, “Your partner will understand if you just tell them.”
Nicole Kidman gets on a ridiculously clean train, and I am absolutely amazed a how nice it is. It almost makes me wish I went to school in DC. But it’s all kind of ruined by the fact that, every time Nicole Kidman almost falls asleep, they show some CGI crap about the virus attaching itself to her T-cells. Then her son’s friend is outside, and he agrees to lock her inside so she can transform, and then he OPENS THE DOOR WHILE SHE IS HALF-NAKED. What a cheeky/lucky little fellow. Nicole Kidman used the remnants of some other person’s transformation to make it seem like she had transformed, which is kind of disgusting because it’s like she took someone else’s scabs and attached them to her body. Ew.
Oh, back to the UES documentary: let’s all go to the nice house, meet grandma, and have an awkward dinner! Aw, denial. So black-heart-warming.
They’re eating mashed potatoes, so now I really want some.
Look! It’s Nicole Kidman’s son! There’s a standoff between them to see who lets down their façade again, but then they talk about pickles! Again! Like, “Oh, I’m really glad you’re alive…” “Pickles!” And, in an amazing turn of events, Nicole Kidman knocks out a little boy. Fantastic. Nicole Kidman and her son run away, and are predictably chased by pod-people led by Nicole Kidman’s ex-husband, and by this point I think it has less to do with them not being changed and more to do with the fact that her ex-husband just wants revenge. Also, just to prove pod-people care more about being good parents than regular people, custody. Obvs.
There’s some talk about how a psychiatrist should understand about “making people feel better,” since they give out pills, and then he says how he was “third on her list of things to love.” See! Revenge! Nicole Kidman and her son tag-team the ex-husband to knock him out, and then they run! They run like the Dickens! To…a pharmacy. This would be surprising if it hadn’t happened in the first few scenes of the movie. Also, it scares me that I know precisely what she should be taking to stay awake: Adderall (thanks, NYU!) or adrenaline (thanks, Jason Statham in Crank!). Except, she grabs insulin. Best stock up on some chocolate, too, doll (thanks, Paul Verhoeven’s Black Book!).
The son tries to use a water fountain, and there’s blood right over it. That’s some good parenting right there, Nicole Kidman. Then she gets yet another Darwin Award by going into the room filled with transforming pod people just for a gun. I mean, the practicality is there, but really, was it worth it? Maybz. Daniel Craig is taking super long to get to them. There’s some more Pepsi product placement, and Nicole Kidman falls asleep-except, she should not be entering REM that quickly, so it’s kind of a moot point anyway. Nevertheless, her son tries to wake her, and he actually, no joke, takes the needle and sticks it in her heart! That kid could totes teach some lessons to the idiot/pod-people doctors of America. He’s like Doogie Howser 2.0.
Daniel Craig arrives and, in a twist even my 12-year-old, semi-retarded dog saw coming, he is now a pod-person. He’s all “You were wrong to fight them,” and it’s very “Take the blue pill.” Nicole Kidman shoots all the pod-people (thereby, I suppose, proving that getting the gun was useful-I stand corrected), including Daniel Craig, because obviously, she’s taken enough blue pills to last her a lifetime, so now she’s all about the red pill. There’s a chase scene involving a Jaguar, which has pod-people hanging off it, and Token Black Dude-who is not so token anymore-tells them to go to some building, and-HOLY SHIT A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL! AWESOME! The car is on fire! Wee!
Somehow, they get inside the building to go to the roof, and Nicole Kidman actually lets out a Xena-like roar as she bludgeons a guy with a fire extinguisher (hey, use what you got, right?). They escape in the helicopter, but I sense impending doom anyway.
Aaaaand, there’s the Jung theory! The virus created a walking form of unconsciousness so people who were infetced don’t remember what happened. Everything seems to be back to normal, and-oh. That’s the end.
Moral of this story? Violence, war, anger, hatred, intolerance, rape, struggle, suffering, famine, pestilence, etc. are what make us human. And…we’re better for it? I think?
Oddly enough, in the Special Features, they claim this version showcases a fear of terrorism and infectious disease-and here I thought it showcased a fear of authoritarianism and a dumbing down of society. They also talk a lot about “the other,” and I have to stop writing now because I am having a nerdgasm.