I...AM...CONTRIVED MACHOISM! [Beowulf]
Disclaimer: having taken Advanced Placement English literature with a tenured teacher who let us roam around the library and entertained my crazy theory about a vast Biblical allegory in Moby Dick, I never read Beowulf. All I know about this movie is that CGI was placed over real actors doing real things (redundant), there’s a lot of testosterone (obvs), and the big debate is whether Angelina Jolie looks hotter as a CGI-hot-mess or as a real person (um…seriously?). So...
Who the hell composed this music? It sounds like a mix between industrial rock and the soundtrack for German S&M porn.
The movie begins with a bar scene, which would be great, it being filled with drunken revelry and lusty wenches and all were it not for the fact that REAL PEOPLE WERE REPLACED BY CGI PEOPLE. Ugh. Anthony Hopkins-King-Dude (actually named Hrothgar) is celebrated with lots of drinking (yay), and there’s implied cunnilingus (more yay), and then Robin Wright Penn (Wealtheow) rips her dress and it’s so sad. It’s made all better though because CGI-Anthony Hopkins is drunk and surly, which is infinitely more hilarious than real Anthony Hopkins drunk and surly. There’s some talk of fornication, gold, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t understand because Anthony Hopkins can’t articulate for shit.
Wait, wha-what the hell is this? Is this a musical number?! Oh dear Lord. A mouse is shown getting taken away by an eagle, and, really, it’s better off being eaten alive than listening to the singing. Outside the castle-bar-whatever, it’s wintery and very CGI-perfect, and suddenly we’re in a cave with a whimpering beast that’s bleeding up a storm. Returning to the castle-bar, I sense impending doom that has nothing to do with the continued musical number or the wolf growling at nothing in particular. Here comes the monster! But you know what? I don’t care, because it means: no more musical numbers, and Anthony Hopkins is shivering in his skivvies.
I think this party just ended. People are getting their limbs ripped from their bodies, everyone and their mother is getting impaled, CGI stuntmen are totes doing their job, but it’s kind of difficult to follow because apparently 6th-century Denmark had strobe lights, and I feel a seizure coming on…The monster gets an axe to the knee, which understandably pisses it off, and more bodies are dismembered until we see that the monster enjoys drinking the blood of drunken partygoers (don’t we all?). Drunk Anthony Hopkins tries to be brave, but I mean, he’s wearing a toga, so how much is he going to be able to do? Oh, right, he can flash him. That’d boil the eyeballs out of anyone.
And, in a bitter twist, the monster disappears after killing everyone except the king and the queen. How convenient! Someone actually asks what the monster was-Carnie Wilson, duh-and we learn that its name is Grendel. See what I meant about not having read Beowulf?
Back at the cave, Grendel pulls a total teenager rebel ‘tude and argues with his mother about his right to eat whoever and whatever he wants. I think I need to turn on the subtitles, because not only can’t I understand what Anthony Hopkins is saying, but Angelina Jolie is using her "ethnic" accent, so I keep thinking that she’s either offering me a falafel or trying to buy my wife. As it turns out, she’s speaking in a language I cannot understand, which apparently makes Grendel super emo and angsty about his blood-letting. And I bet it’s so damn hard for him to find just the right guyliner to go with his deformed features, too.
The king outlaws singing! Hooray! Then they talk of perhaps praying to the “new Roman God, Jesus Christ,” which is interesting, since I kind of doubt polytheists would consider praying to a monotheistic God even if roughly 75% of their men and 20% of their lusty wenches were just killed by what can safely be referred to as a demon. Then again, these are CGI polytheists, so what do I know?
And thus we meet Beowulf, who we know is, like, so totally manly because he’s standing at the helm of a ship in the middle of a storm and screaming out into the torrential rain. He claims the sea is his mother, and suddenly, I have enough “yo momma” jokes for the next five years-for instance, “Your momma’s wet all the time ‘cuz she a slut…also, because she’s the sea.”
In true hero fashion, Beowulf makes it through the CGI storm, and he and his perfectly manicured goatee make the first “I am Beowulf!” exclamation. Oh, and 30 seconds later, there’s another. Let’s keep a running tally, shall we? Apparently, Anthony Hopkins knows Beowulf, and the movie suddenly has a great bit of dialogue: “How is your father?” “Dead.” This is closely followed by another line I’ll be keeping tally of: “I’ve come to kill your monster” or some variation thereof. That’s twice now, for those keeping score at home. There’s some double entendre talk of the Lord’s mead, and..three! four! Three for a Beowulf name reference! They go back to the mead references, and at this point I’m afraid I really did stumble onto a German S&M porn.
Someone off-handedly mentions that ‘merry-making attracts Grendel,” and it’s suddenly painfully obvious that Grendel really IS just the angsty kid who wants to hang out with the popular crowd and flips a shit when he isn’t invited to their orgy-parties. Aww.
A woman suggestively wipes a table, moaning and heaving her bosom around, but I can’t be bothered because, really, computer boobies are not the same as real boobies. Nice try, Robert Zemeckis.
SLOW-CLAP! introduces the dickweed who I just realized is John Malkovich. Perfect! He taunts Beowulf by calling him vain, which I have to agree with considering the perfection of Beowulf’s goatee (I really can’t get over it), and there’s a flashback to some swimming race or whatever where Beowulf stabs some sea monsters or whatever because obviously his muscles just couldn’t deal with not being overtly manly for more than 2.5 seconds, and in a perfect encapsulation of this entire movie, Beowulf swims inside the stomach of a sea monster, stabs through its one eye, stands atop the creature, and screams “BEOWUUUUUUULF!” (four!). I LOL-ed, for real.
Inexplicably, Anthony Hopkins starts another SLOW-CLAP! What is this? A Mighty Ducks movie?
…oh dear Christ-the-Roman-God, another musical number. Beowulf is eying the queen with enough foreshadowing to make me wonder if, somehow, Michael J. Fox didn’t jump back in time in the Delorian only to have Beowulf beat his ass, jump forward in time using the Delorian, have sex with Wealtheow, then came back to smirk at his own playa status. Totes possible--and totes fills my quota for Back to the Future references. Score!
Unnecessary scene necessitates an unnecessary sidenote: “My mighty lust limb can transport you to paradise.” That, my friends, is going to be my new pick-up line.
Beowulf shows his sensitive side by asking Wealtheow to sing, and she uses it to seduce him with a harp. This pisses Grendel the fuck off, which makes me think he’s got a thing for the popular girl, who was probably nice to him once in Limb Tearing class and he totes took it the wrong way. Then Beowulf totally one-ups Wealtheow’s harp seduction by just letting it all hang out in front of her. That was ballsy, man-allegorically and literally. And in the unintentional humor department, we get Wiglaf saying to a naked Beowulf, “I don’t like the smell of this one.” Hah-yo!
Oh, for the love of-Beowulf just told them to sing. Although this song is kind of awesome:
There was a dozen virgins
Friseians, Danes and Franks
We took them for some swifan
And all we got were wanks
Oh, we are Beowulf’s army
Each a mighty thane
We’ll pummel your asses
And ravages your lasses
Then do it all over again
The fattest of the virgins
I knew her for a whore
I gave her all my codpiece [that means penis! Giggle!]
And still she wanted more
Her sister was from Norway
She cost me 20 groats
She showed me there was more ways
Than one to sow my oats
Her mother was from Iceland
And she was mighty hot
You’d need a whole damn iceberg
To cool her burning…
Hey, look, it’s Grendel! He brought the strobe lights with him again. Maybe the cool kids don’t like him because he’s stuck in early-‘90s raving and they’ve graduated to tequila shots and hip hop partying?
Exact moment when this movie jumps the shark: they use a sword to hide Beowulf’s penis. Excuse me; Beowulf's codpiece.
Beowulf realizes that Grendel doesn’t like loud noises, which is so bad news for Grendel because, I don’t know if you’ve heard but Beowulf just LOVES to scream. Case in point: I AM BEOWULF! (five!) right before he tears off Grendel’s arm. This is apparently enough to convince everyone that Grendel is dead, but as I learned from Kasumi in DOA: Dead or Alive (best movie evs), “if there is no body, then he cannot be dead.” Truth.
And now it’s time for a secondary subplot: the king wants an heir! But the queen knows he cheated on her! But…with whom? dun dun dun I think falafels may have been involved.
The king used Grendel’s arm to decorate the hall. Was it really that slim of pickins before Ikea, guys? And: six! For yet another Beowulf name reference, this time in a self-referential quote. If jumping through time before didn’t rip a hole in the space-time continuum, this scene just did.
Grendel is def dead, and judging by the scream of ethnic-Angelina-Jolie, I don’t think she’s very happy about it. Proving that the tree doesn’t grow far from the fallen apple, Grendel’s mom strings up Beowulf’s men like they’re piñatas. It’s all very rote and familiar until, through Robin Wright Penn’s nuanced acting and overt staring, we learn that Anthony Hopkins is maybe-sorta-probably Grendel’s father. Oh, that is some Jerry Springer shit up in there. Now it’s time for Beowulf to deal with Grendel’s momma, who, I dunno if you heard, is so fat she has her own zipcode-oh snap! Oh, wait, she’s a water demon. See my previous comment re: being wet, the sea.
The CGI gets awesome here, with the water effects and the lighting, but at the same time, I’d rather have the real Angelina Jolie naked (see: Gia) than a CGI version of her. Her tail, however, is awesome, and I giggle because she calls Beowulf “Bee-Wolf” and calls him glamorous (so true-when not naked, he probably dresses himself at Abercrombie and gets mani-pedis at Bliss). Like a total dude, Beowulf thinks with his penis first and totes bangs Grendel’s mother, who I think can now justifiably be considered a MILF.
Again with the mead!
Anthony Hopkins calls bullshit on Beowulf’s story, and makes it pretty obvious that MILF is now Beowulf’s issue and not his. Poor Beowulf; see what happens when you don’t use protection? You get yourself a baby momma. A hot baby momma, but a baby momma no less. Hey, at least Beowulf gets the king’s kingdom upon the king’s death (which happens, like two seconds later amid a staggering lack of alarm), so he can afford the child support.
Jumping forward 50 years in time (no joke, the Delorian was so involved in this one), King Beowulf does what he does best: screams and makes violence. Except, he manages self-reflection long enough to tempt a Frisian to kill him. I think we’re supposed to feel bad for Beowulf because he’s like the jock who only ever managed to get as big as being the local car dealer, and he only got that because everyone still remembers that time he made that amazing catch for the winning touchdown in the state championship game, and all his dreams are falling short, but honestly, the fact that he’s engaging in statutory rape kind of makes me keep hating him. Just a lot.
Oh, they found the mead cup. I guess they can now start up the innuendos again. Instead, Beowulf flips because this means his baby momma might be coming to collect. Wealtheow knows what’s up, and when she tries to tell Beowulf’s underage fuck buddy what she knows, I stop listening because she started with, “It’s all right, I’m not going to eat you.” Mind, meet gutter. Gutter, mind.
Oh! Look! Fire! And-this movie just became a KKK rally. There is quite literally a burning cross. Man, Beowulf, see what happens when you don’t raise your own kid? He becomes a white supremacist. And a dragon to boot! And, in case you missed the fact that this is Beowulf’s illegitimate demon son burning people alive, John Malkovich screams, “Sins of the fathers!” about 20 times.
Beowulf admits to being fallible. The CGI sky just fell.
Whoa, Beowulf’s son is HUGE! Trying having sex with ethnic-Angelina-Jolie now, Beowulf, and it'll be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
And now, presented in a level of excitement consistent with the entire final fight scene, I give you…um, the final fight scene: Beowulf is attached to the dragon. Now he’s hacking some trees. Now his army is attacking his son. Now he fell. Now Beowulf is running. Now he’s back on his son. Now Beowulf yelled a bunch (color me surprised). Now they’re underwater. Now they’re back in the air. There’s some slow-mo horseback riding through fire, which would be infinitely more exciting if not for the fact that it’s all CGI anyway. Wealtheow saves sex slave’s life, because there’s obvs some Sapphic tension between the two of them. And now, in order to destroy the demon, Beowulf cuts his own arm off, except it’s all in vain because he loses the sword, but then he just grabs the heart and rips it out. It’s all very macho, I guess, but really, it’s so built up that it’s anti-climactic.
Beowulf’s son turns into a humanoid creature who is all-gold and very sexually ambiguous, but Beowulf accepts him which is almost enough to make me like him but then he dies and I stop caring.
Wiglaf becomes king. MILF comes to seduce him, succeeds. Moral of the story? Men are easily manipulated by beautiful women promising them glory, gold, power, and women. Groundbreaking.
(It saddens me, by the way, that Neil Gaiman was one of the screenwriters for this movie.)
Who the hell composed this music? It sounds like a mix between industrial rock and the soundtrack for German S&M porn.
The movie begins with a bar scene, which would be great, it being filled with drunken revelry and lusty wenches and all were it not for the fact that REAL PEOPLE WERE REPLACED BY CGI PEOPLE. Ugh. Anthony Hopkins-King-Dude (actually named Hrothgar) is celebrated with lots of drinking (yay), and there’s implied cunnilingus (more yay), and then Robin Wright Penn (Wealtheow) rips her dress and it’s so sad. It’s made all better though because CGI-Anthony Hopkins is drunk and surly, which is infinitely more hilarious than real Anthony Hopkins drunk and surly. There’s some talk of fornication, gold, and a bunch of other stuff I can’t understand because Anthony Hopkins can’t articulate for shit.
Wait, wha-what the hell is this? Is this a musical number?! Oh dear Lord. A mouse is shown getting taken away by an eagle, and, really, it’s better off being eaten alive than listening to the singing. Outside the castle-bar-whatever, it’s wintery and very CGI-perfect, and suddenly we’re in a cave with a whimpering beast that’s bleeding up a storm. Returning to the castle-bar, I sense impending doom that has nothing to do with the continued musical number or the wolf growling at nothing in particular. Here comes the monster! But you know what? I don’t care, because it means: no more musical numbers, and Anthony Hopkins is shivering in his skivvies.
I think this party just ended. People are getting their limbs ripped from their bodies, everyone and their mother is getting impaled, CGI stuntmen are totes doing their job, but it’s kind of difficult to follow because apparently 6th-century Denmark had strobe lights, and I feel a seizure coming on…The monster gets an axe to the knee, which understandably pisses it off, and more bodies are dismembered until we see that the monster enjoys drinking the blood of drunken partygoers (don’t we all?). Drunk Anthony Hopkins tries to be brave, but I mean, he’s wearing a toga, so how much is he going to be able to do? Oh, right, he can flash him. That’d boil the eyeballs out of anyone.
And, in a bitter twist, the monster disappears after killing everyone except the king and the queen. How convenient! Someone actually asks what the monster was-Carnie Wilson, duh-and we learn that its name is Grendel. See what I meant about not having read Beowulf?
Back at the cave, Grendel pulls a total teenager rebel ‘tude and argues with his mother about his right to eat whoever and whatever he wants. I think I need to turn on the subtitles, because not only can’t I understand what Anthony Hopkins is saying, but Angelina Jolie is using her "ethnic" accent, so I keep thinking that she’s either offering me a falafel or trying to buy my wife. As it turns out, she’s speaking in a language I cannot understand, which apparently makes Grendel super emo and angsty about his blood-letting. And I bet it’s so damn hard for him to find just the right guyliner to go with his deformed features, too.
The king outlaws singing! Hooray! Then they talk of perhaps praying to the “new Roman God, Jesus Christ,” which is interesting, since I kind of doubt polytheists would consider praying to a monotheistic God even if roughly 75% of their men and 20% of their lusty wenches were just killed by what can safely be referred to as a demon. Then again, these are CGI polytheists, so what do I know?
And thus we meet Beowulf, who we know is, like, so totally manly because he’s standing at the helm of a ship in the middle of a storm and screaming out into the torrential rain. He claims the sea is his mother, and suddenly, I have enough “yo momma” jokes for the next five years-for instance, “Your momma’s wet all the time ‘cuz she a slut…also, because she’s the sea.”
In true hero fashion, Beowulf makes it through the CGI storm, and he and his perfectly manicured goatee make the first “I am Beowulf!” exclamation. Oh, and 30 seconds later, there’s another. Let’s keep a running tally, shall we? Apparently, Anthony Hopkins knows Beowulf, and the movie suddenly has a great bit of dialogue: “How is your father?” “Dead.” This is closely followed by another line I’ll be keeping tally of: “I’ve come to kill your monster” or some variation thereof. That’s twice now, for those keeping score at home. There’s some double entendre talk of the Lord’s mead, and..three! four! Three for a Beowulf name reference! They go back to the mead references, and at this point I’m afraid I really did stumble onto a German S&M porn.
Someone off-handedly mentions that ‘merry-making attracts Grendel,” and it’s suddenly painfully obvious that Grendel really IS just the angsty kid who wants to hang out with the popular crowd and flips a shit when he isn’t invited to their orgy-parties. Aww.
A woman suggestively wipes a table, moaning and heaving her bosom around, but I can’t be bothered because, really, computer boobies are not the same as real boobies. Nice try, Robert Zemeckis.
SLOW-CLAP! introduces the dickweed who I just realized is John Malkovich. Perfect! He taunts Beowulf by calling him vain, which I have to agree with considering the perfection of Beowulf’s goatee (I really can’t get over it), and there’s a flashback to some swimming race or whatever where Beowulf stabs some sea monsters or whatever because obviously his muscles just couldn’t deal with not being overtly manly for more than 2.5 seconds, and in a perfect encapsulation of this entire movie, Beowulf swims inside the stomach of a sea monster, stabs through its one eye, stands atop the creature, and screams “BEOWUUUUUUULF!” (four!). I LOL-ed, for real.
Inexplicably, Anthony Hopkins starts another SLOW-CLAP! What is this? A Mighty Ducks movie?
…oh dear Christ-the-Roman-God, another musical number. Beowulf is eying the queen with enough foreshadowing to make me wonder if, somehow, Michael J. Fox didn’t jump back in time in the Delorian only to have Beowulf beat his ass, jump forward in time using the Delorian, have sex with Wealtheow, then came back to smirk at his own playa status. Totes possible--and totes fills my quota for Back to the Future references. Score!
Unnecessary scene necessitates an unnecessary sidenote: “My mighty lust limb can transport you to paradise.” That, my friends, is going to be my new pick-up line.
Beowulf shows his sensitive side by asking Wealtheow to sing, and she uses it to seduce him with a harp. This pisses Grendel the fuck off, which makes me think he’s got a thing for the popular girl, who was probably nice to him once in Limb Tearing class and he totes took it the wrong way. Then Beowulf totally one-ups Wealtheow’s harp seduction by just letting it all hang out in front of her. That was ballsy, man-allegorically and literally. And in the unintentional humor department, we get Wiglaf saying to a naked Beowulf, “I don’t like the smell of this one.” Hah-yo!
Oh, for the love of-Beowulf just told them to sing. Although this song is kind of awesome:
There was a dozen virgins
Friseians, Danes and Franks
We took them for some swifan
And all we got were wanks
Oh, we are Beowulf’s army
Each a mighty thane
We’ll pummel your asses
And ravages your lasses
Then do it all over again
The fattest of the virgins
I knew her for a whore
I gave her all my codpiece [that means penis! Giggle!]
And still she wanted more
Her sister was from Norway
She cost me 20 groats
She showed me there was more ways
Than one to sow my oats
Her mother was from Iceland
And she was mighty hot
You’d need a whole damn iceberg
To cool her burning…
Hey, look, it’s Grendel! He brought the strobe lights with him again. Maybe the cool kids don’t like him because he’s stuck in early-‘90s raving and they’ve graduated to tequila shots and hip hop partying?
Exact moment when this movie jumps the shark: they use a sword to hide Beowulf’s penis. Excuse me; Beowulf's codpiece.
Beowulf realizes that Grendel doesn’t like loud noises, which is so bad news for Grendel because, I don’t know if you’ve heard but Beowulf just LOVES to scream. Case in point: I AM BEOWULF! (five!) right before he tears off Grendel’s arm. This is apparently enough to convince everyone that Grendel is dead, but as I learned from Kasumi in DOA: Dead or Alive (best movie evs), “if there is no body, then he cannot be dead.” Truth.
And now it’s time for a secondary subplot: the king wants an heir! But the queen knows he cheated on her! But…with whom? dun dun dun I think falafels may have been involved.
The king used Grendel’s arm to decorate the hall. Was it really that slim of pickins before Ikea, guys? And: six! For yet another Beowulf name reference, this time in a self-referential quote. If jumping through time before didn’t rip a hole in the space-time continuum, this scene just did.
Grendel is def dead, and judging by the scream of ethnic-Angelina-Jolie, I don’t think she’s very happy about it. Proving that the tree doesn’t grow far from the fallen apple, Grendel’s mom strings up Beowulf’s men like they’re piñatas. It’s all very rote and familiar until, through Robin Wright Penn’s nuanced acting and overt staring, we learn that Anthony Hopkins is maybe-sorta-probably Grendel’s father. Oh, that is some Jerry Springer shit up in there. Now it’s time for Beowulf to deal with Grendel’s momma, who, I dunno if you heard, is so fat she has her own zipcode-oh snap! Oh, wait, she’s a water demon. See my previous comment re: being wet, the sea.
The CGI gets awesome here, with the water effects and the lighting, but at the same time, I’d rather have the real Angelina Jolie naked (see: Gia) than a CGI version of her. Her tail, however, is awesome, and I giggle because she calls Beowulf “Bee-Wolf” and calls him glamorous (so true-when not naked, he probably dresses himself at Abercrombie and gets mani-pedis at Bliss). Like a total dude, Beowulf thinks with his penis first and totes bangs Grendel’s mother, who I think can now justifiably be considered a MILF.
Again with the mead!
Anthony Hopkins calls bullshit on Beowulf’s story, and makes it pretty obvious that MILF is now Beowulf’s issue and not his. Poor Beowulf; see what happens when you don’t use protection? You get yourself a baby momma. A hot baby momma, but a baby momma no less. Hey, at least Beowulf gets the king’s kingdom upon the king’s death (which happens, like two seconds later amid a staggering lack of alarm), so he can afford the child support.
Jumping forward 50 years in time (no joke, the Delorian was so involved in this one), King Beowulf does what he does best: screams and makes violence. Except, he manages self-reflection long enough to tempt a Frisian to kill him. I think we’re supposed to feel bad for Beowulf because he’s like the jock who only ever managed to get as big as being the local car dealer, and he only got that because everyone still remembers that time he made that amazing catch for the winning touchdown in the state championship game, and all his dreams are falling short, but honestly, the fact that he’s engaging in statutory rape kind of makes me keep hating him. Just a lot.
Oh, they found the mead cup. I guess they can now start up the innuendos again. Instead, Beowulf flips because this means his baby momma might be coming to collect. Wealtheow knows what’s up, and when she tries to tell Beowulf’s underage fuck buddy what she knows, I stop listening because she started with, “It’s all right, I’m not going to eat you.” Mind, meet gutter. Gutter, mind.
Oh! Look! Fire! And-this movie just became a KKK rally. There is quite literally a burning cross. Man, Beowulf, see what happens when you don’t raise your own kid? He becomes a white supremacist. And a dragon to boot! And, in case you missed the fact that this is Beowulf’s illegitimate demon son burning people alive, John Malkovich screams, “Sins of the fathers!” about 20 times.
Beowulf admits to being fallible. The CGI sky just fell.
Whoa, Beowulf’s son is HUGE! Trying having sex with ethnic-Angelina-Jolie now, Beowulf, and it'll be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway.
And now, presented in a level of excitement consistent with the entire final fight scene, I give you…um, the final fight scene: Beowulf is attached to the dragon. Now he’s hacking some trees. Now his army is attacking his son. Now he fell. Now Beowulf is running. Now he’s back on his son. Now Beowulf yelled a bunch (color me surprised). Now they’re underwater. Now they’re back in the air. There’s some slow-mo horseback riding through fire, which would be infinitely more exciting if not for the fact that it’s all CGI anyway. Wealtheow saves sex slave’s life, because there’s obvs some Sapphic tension between the two of them. And now, in order to destroy the demon, Beowulf cuts his own arm off, except it’s all in vain because he loses the sword, but then he just grabs the heart and rips it out. It’s all very macho, I guess, but really, it’s so built up that it’s anti-climactic.
Beowulf’s son turns into a humanoid creature who is all-gold and very sexually ambiguous, but Beowulf accepts him which is almost enough to make me like him but then he dies and I stop caring.
Wiglaf becomes king. MILF comes to seduce him, succeeds. Moral of the story? Men are easily manipulated by beautiful women promising them glory, gold, power, and women. Groundbreaking.
(It saddens me, by the way, that Neil Gaiman was one of the screenwriters for this movie.)