Just another HS fic-Chapter 42
-CHAPTER 42-
“I told you that it was a bad plan, but no. You were too fabulous to listen to me” I mocked as Heechul sat in his beanbag with a bowl of ice cream. He was pouting very much.
“Shut up! How was I supposed to know? It looked like he liked me!” Heechul whined and ate a spoonful of his ice cream.
“Yeah, but he’s kind of very religious, you know?” I replied. Heechul didn’t look happy.
“Yeah, well whatever, you can all go to hell for all that I care!” Heechul said angrily.
“Oh geez, no need to make such a fuss, it’s just a crush” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Just a crush? Well I don’t see you having a love life so stop trying to judge people who are having one!” Heechul shouted.
…
Ouch.
It’s true, I don’t have a love life… but why does it hurt? Is it because everybody else around me has or are trying to have one? …I don’t know…
“I’m leaving” I said, and started walking away. When I exited the room, I heard Heechul running after me.
“Hey… did I say something wrong…?” he actually sounded somewhat apologetic.
“Just leave it…” I said and left.
~ ~ ~
Ugh! Just when I thought somebody was able to make me happier. Now I’m back into sorrow land again. Am I going into depression or something?
I hope not. I worked too hard to have a mentality that would guide me towards a good happy life; it can’t go wasted!
I sucked in a big breath, trying to hold in the sadness somehow. After a while of trying to “hold it in”, I managed somewhat to feel less sad, but I knew that it was still there, lurking somewhere in the back of my mind.
Oh well, I guess this is all I could do for now.
I still have school tomorrow and that means that there will be Yunho there too.
I have to be mentally prepared for this…
I imagined myself looking at Yunho and immediately, my heart started beating faster.
No, this won’t do. I tried again. And again, and again, and again…
And again.
~ ~ ~
As I woke up this morning, a realization hit me. Well actually, it wasn’t much of a realization it was more of a question… or a hypothesis.
The question is quite scary: Am I in love with Yunho?
I mean… I’ve watched enough dramas to know what are the “symptoms” of love, but … really?
To be in love… with Yunho… is such a scary thought…
I’ve also considered the possibility of being in love with Euna, but I know that it’s quite impossible. More impossible than my first guess, even.
But it doesn’t make sense… if I was in love with him, I would have found out earlier, no?
…
Forget it, I don’t think that’s it.
~ ~ ~
I was right outside of class, unable to enter it.
C’mon Jaejoong, you can’t wait outside forever. I took a deep breath and braced myself when somebody bumped their shoulder with me as he passed and making me lose the breath I had just taken. I looked at the person who just passed me; it just had to be Yunho. Shit.
He just went in without paying any attention to me. I lowered my head, embarrassed. I wish I never cut that hair of mine now. It was so much easier when I could hide behind it.
I entered the class, head low, ignoring all eyes staring at me as I sat down.
During class, I tried to stare at the blackboard, but I always somehow ended up staring at the back of Yunho’s head. Is this supposed to mean something? Isn’t this a symptom of love?
As Yunho turned his head to look, not at me, but at Euna, I felt a sting in my chest. Jealousy…? Heartbroken…?
“Jaejoong, are you listening?” the teacher suddenly asked me and the whole class excepting Yunho looked at me.
“I… eh… sorry, I think I’m still recovering a little, I… I have some trouble with concentration…I will try harder” I said as an excuse. The teacher nodded and went back to his lecture.
Ugh… this is affecting my studies. I clenched my fists.
You know what? Love or no love, this isn’t the time to think about it. You’re in school Jaejoong. Listen to the teacher and study.
Besides…
Even if I was in love with Yunho, he’s taken.
I was even the one who created his relationship…
If I was in love with him, I wouldn’t have pushed him to Euna.
It doesn’t make sense.
~ ~ ~
When class ended, Yunho exited class pretty quickly. I just put my head on the desk, grunting.
Ughhhh… this is so stupid! Would something just start making sense already?! Damn it!
“Jaejoong-sshi…” a female voice called and I looked up. It’s Euna. I didn’t feel like listening much to what she had to say because I’m pretty sure that it’s something that’d make me feel like shit even more than I do.
“Are you going to come to the road trip on Friday?” she asked me. What day are we? Tuesday…
“Euna” a voice called from the class door. I could recognize that voice from anywhere as it affected me like no other. Yunho.
We both looked at him, though he was only looking at Euna. Smiling…nicely.
“Let’s go eat lunch” he said coolly to her. I bet a lot of girls would envy Euna being in a relationship with him…
“Oh… okay…” she said, looking at me with a longing look as she started walking to Yunho, like if she was still waiting for an answer. Yunho still didn’t look at me, not even in jealousy. I rather if he did though because somehow, even as he was smiling gently at Euna, he was sending a very cold vibe at me. Very cold…very unpleasant. I’d rather he be mad at me.
“Euna” I called out and Yunho’s smile faltered a little. She looked back at me, enthusiastic.
“I’m not going” I said and her smile disappeared. Yunho’s smile turned into an arrogant grin and he uttered a snicker. Damn you Yunho… can’t you see that I’m just trying to make it better for you? Why do you… sigh…
“Why aren’t you going?” Euna asked and Yunho’s expression turned nice again.
“C’mon Euna, let’s go eat!” he said, almost playfully while ignoring my existence.
“I have too much school work to catch up on. Try to have fun anyways, alright? Bye, have a nice lunch!” I said and waved at her, trying to look sincere as I said those words. Euna looked at me disappointedly and walked to Yunho who swung an arm around her shoulder.
“Have a nice lunch too, Yunho…” I said just before they left, trying to sound casual. The two of them were back to me now, just about to leave class. Yunho stopped on his track for a second, snickered again, and left.
I clenched my fists and bit my lip. All I was trying to do was to help… All of them… I tried to help all of them, but none of them are even said as much as a “thanks” to me…
Forget it. I’m not helping anymore. And I won’t try to re-befriend Yunho again, since he doesn’t want me to…
I…want to cry so badly again… this is depressing…
“Hyung… what happened between you and-“
“Shush Junsu!” IU ordered Junsu. She then turned to me and put a hand on my back “let’s go eat lunch, ne?”
~ ~ ~
“Hyung, just tell me please!” Junsu practically begged; he looks as if he’s drowning in concern.
“Junsu, stop asking!” IU said, looking at me worriedly as she tried to stop Junsu.
“Yea, it’s not the right time to ask, Junsu” Changmin added, shooting a glare at Junsu.
“Not you too Min! I’m dying of worry here! Hyung! Just tell me what’s wrong!” Junsu pleaded.
The three of us are sitting at the lunch table. I cried a little bit just before, but managed to stop. Now, I’m covering my face with one hand, looking down at the table.
“Junsu, stop that!”
“Yea Su! Just stop-“
“All of you stop!” I snapped and the three of them looked at me.
“Junsu…” I started “…I… don’t really know what’s going on between Yunho and me, but don’t let it affect you. You don’t need to mind it…” I told him. Speaking about it seems so hard. It seems as if the moment I start pouring my heart out, I will also start crying too. But I can’t… not here… in school…
“…alright hyung… I understand…” Junsu told me with a very serious look which I’ve never seen on him before. Junsu’s answer seemed very… nebulous…
“Let’s just eat…”
~ ~ ~
I had planned to go home right after school so that I wouldn’t need to talk to anybody. I just wanted to go home and do whatever I needed to do. To cry if I wanted to, to scream if I wanted to, to go crazy, or whatever…
However, it seems like my plans are destroyed due to my tutor job. I really regret getting this job now.
As the car drove through the entrance of the house’s garden, I recognized the house by all its crosses and religious statues. It’s Siwon’s house.
~ ~ ~
I stood at the entrance and waited. I didn’t look around. I just stood there, feeling so crappy that I could just break down in any minute. Stupid Yunho, stupid job, stupid Yunho…
“Hey…” a voice said and I looked up. Siwon was looking at me with a slightly surprised expression. He didn’t bow or use any term of politeness… I wonder what’s up with him?
“Hey” I replied, tired and crappy.
“Jaejoong-sshi…are you okay?” he asked me. Damn! Don’t ask me if I’m okay! It’s only going to…
I felt my eyes stinging.
“Yeah… I’m fine” I said, trying to smile a little though knowing fully well that my eyes were probably going to be red any second from now.
“O-oh… could you follow me then?” he asked me and I nodded quickly so that he would just turn around and lead the way without having to see me tearing up.
On the way to his room, I managed to calm down a little.
“So… what do you need help with today?” I asked him as we sat down at his desk.
“Life” he replied.
Life…?
“What?” I asked, not understanding.
“Heechul-sshi… he… he likes me?” Siwon asked reluctantly. From the look on his face, it seems as if he’s been preparing his little question for a while now.
“Yea” I said. What’s the point of making something up now?
“So… does he know that I’m religious?” Siwon asked.
“Yea, I told him. He didn’t care I think…” I replied. Hearing those words, Siwon just nodded and though for a second. There was a moment of silence which I enjoyed.
“Is… is Heechul a sinner?” he asked me and I thought about it.
“Depends what you mean” I told him “I’m not religious” Another moment of silence.
“… Is Heechul a bad person?” Siwon rephrased his question.
“No… not a bad person” I said, sure of what I said “he’s just… eccentric I guess” I chose the word carefully.
“Oh…”
“Yep…”
…
“Siwon?” I asked this time and he looked at me “…is loving a sin?” I asked for myself rather than for Heechul.
“No. Loving isn’t a sin. God loves. He loves every living thing” Siwon preached.
“Do you think he loves Heechul too?” I asked and Siwon had to think about it.
“I… don’t know…”
“…Then will you love Heechul?” I asked him and expected him to say no right away, but no answer came. We were both looking into each other’s eyes seriously now.
“I don’t know…” he finally said after a while.
“Oh…”
…
I see.
~ ~ ~
I went home after telling Siwon to re-read the bible and trying to find his answers there. He told me he will.
After having that talk with Siwon, I don’t know why, but I feel somewhat better. I guess in a way, it’s because he has it worse than me. At least I could choose who to love.
…
Do I love Yunho? Yes or no?
Ugh… I don’t know… I just feel so confused and shitty. This has never happened before and it’s driving me nuts!
Okay Jaejoong. Answer honestly.
Do you feel like talking to Yunho? Yes. That much, I admit. I started imagining myself having a nice casual talk with him.
Do you feel like… being friends with him? Yes. I started remembering the nice friendly talks we had.
I miss it…very much actually…
My eyes started stinging again. Aw fuck you Yunho…
Do you feel like… seeing his smile? Yes, I want to see it bad…but he… he doesn’t…only to Euna.. he…
The first teardrop fell. Aw fuck, fuck, fuck! I hate you Yunho!
Do you feel like holding his hand?
I imagined myself holding his hand. It’s so warm. So… protective.
Yes… I want to hold his hand.
Do you love him?
Yes, fuck you Yunho!
~ ~ ~
“I told you that it was a bad plan, but no. You were too fabulous to listen to me” I mocked as Heechul sat in his beanbag with a bowl of ice cream. He was pouting very much.
“Shut up! How was I supposed to know? It looked like he liked me!” Heechul whined and ate a spoonful of his ice cream.
“Yeah, but he’s kind of very religious, you know?” I replied. Heechul didn’t look happy.
“Yeah, well whatever, you can all go to hell for all that I care!” Heechul said angrily.
“Oh geez, no need to make such a fuss, it’s just a crush” I said, rolling my eyes.
“Just a crush? Well I don’t see you having a love life so stop trying to judge people who are having one!” Heechul shouted.
…
Ouch.
It’s true, I don’t have a love life… but why does it hurt? Is it because everybody else around me has or are trying to have one? …I don’t know…
“I’m leaving” I said, and started walking away. When I exited the room, I heard Heechul running after me.
“Hey… did I say something wrong…?” he actually sounded somewhat apologetic.
“Just leave it…” I said and left.
~ ~ ~
Ugh! Just when I thought somebody was able to make me happier. Now I’m back into sorrow land again. Am I going into depression or something?
I hope not. I worked too hard to have a mentality that would guide me towards a good happy life; it can’t go wasted!
I sucked in a big breath, trying to hold in the sadness somehow. After a while of trying to “hold it in”, I managed somewhat to feel less sad, but I knew that it was still there, lurking somewhere in the back of my mind.
Oh well, I guess this is all I could do for now.
I still have school tomorrow and that means that there will be Yunho there too.
I have to be mentally prepared for this…
I imagined myself looking at Yunho and immediately, my heart started beating faster.
No, this won’t do. I tried again. And again, and again, and again…
And again.
~ ~ ~
As I woke up this morning, a realization hit me. Well actually, it wasn’t much of a realization it was more of a question… or a hypothesis.
The question is quite scary: Am I in love with Yunho?
I mean… I’ve watched enough dramas to know what are the “symptoms” of love, but … really?
To be in love… with Yunho… is such a scary thought…
I’ve also considered the possibility of being in love with Euna, but I know that it’s quite impossible. More impossible than my first guess, even.
But it doesn’t make sense… if I was in love with him, I would have found out earlier, no?
…
Forget it, I don’t think that’s it.
~ ~ ~
I was right outside of class, unable to enter it.
C’mon Jaejoong, you can’t wait outside forever. I took a deep breath and braced myself when somebody bumped their shoulder with me as he passed and making me lose the breath I had just taken. I looked at the person who just passed me; it just had to be Yunho. Shit.
He just went in without paying any attention to me. I lowered my head, embarrassed. I wish I never cut that hair of mine now. It was so much easier when I could hide behind it.
I entered the class, head low, ignoring all eyes staring at me as I sat down.
During class, I tried to stare at the blackboard, but I always somehow ended up staring at the back of Yunho’s head. Is this supposed to mean something? Isn’t this a symptom of love?
As Yunho turned his head to look, not at me, but at Euna, I felt a sting in my chest. Jealousy…? Heartbroken…?
“Jaejoong, are you listening?” the teacher suddenly asked me and the whole class excepting Yunho looked at me.
“I… eh… sorry, I think I’m still recovering a little, I… I have some trouble with concentration…I will try harder” I said as an excuse. The teacher nodded and went back to his lecture.
Ugh… this is affecting my studies. I clenched my fists.
You know what? Love or no love, this isn’t the time to think about it. You’re in school Jaejoong. Listen to the teacher and study.
Besides…
Even if I was in love with Yunho, he’s taken.
I was even the one who created his relationship…
If I was in love with him, I wouldn’t have pushed him to Euna.
It doesn’t make sense.
~ ~ ~
When class ended, Yunho exited class pretty quickly. I just put my head on the desk, grunting.
Ughhhh… this is so stupid! Would something just start making sense already?! Damn it!
“Jaejoong-sshi…” a female voice called and I looked up. It’s Euna. I didn’t feel like listening much to what she had to say because I’m pretty sure that it’s something that’d make me feel like shit even more than I do.
“Are you going to come to the road trip on Friday?” she asked me. What day are we? Tuesday…
“Euna” a voice called from the class door. I could recognize that voice from anywhere as it affected me like no other. Yunho.
We both looked at him, though he was only looking at Euna. Smiling…nicely.
“Let’s go eat lunch” he said coolly to her. I bet a lot of girls would envy Euna being in a relationship with him…
“Oh… okay…” she said, looking at me with a longing look as she started walking to Yunho, like if she was still waiting for an answer. Yunho still didn’t look at me, not even in jealousy. I rather if he did though because somehow, even as he was smiling gently at Euna, he was sending a very cold vibe at me. Very cold…very unpleasant. I’d rather he be mad at me.
“Euna” I called out and Yunho’s smile faltered a little. She looked back at me, enthusiastic.
“I’m not going” I said and her smile disappeared. Yunho’s smile turned into an arrogant grin and he uttered a snicker. Damn you Yunho… can’t you see that I’m just trying to make it better for you? Why do you… sigh…
“Why aren’t you going?” Euna asked and Yunho’s expression turned nice again.
“C’mon Euna, let’s go eat!” he said, almost playfully while ignoring my existence.
“I have too much school work to catch up on. Try to have fun anyways, alright? Bye, have a nice lunch!” I said and waved at her, trying to look sincere as I said those words. Euna looked at me disappointedly and walked to Yunho who swung an arm around her shoulder.
“Have a nice lunch too, Yunho…” I said just before they left, trying to sound casual. The two of them were back to me now, just about to leave class. Yunho stopped on his track for a second, snickered again, and left.
I clenched my fists and bit my lip. All I was trying to do was to help… All of them… I tried to help all of them, but none of them are even said as much as a “thanks” to me…
Forget it. I’m not helping anymore. And I won’t try to re-befriend Yunho again, since he doesn’t want me to…
I…want to cry so badly again… this is depressing…
“Hyung… what happened between you and-“
“Shush Junsu!” IU ordered Junsu. She then turned to me and put a hand on my back “let’s go eat lunch, ne?”
~ ~ ~
“Hyung, just tell me please!” Junsu practically begged; he looks as if he’s drowning in concern.
“Junsu, stop asking!” IU said, looking at me worriedly as she tried to stop Junsu.
“Yea, it’s not the right time to ask, Junsu” Changmin added, shooting a glare at Junsu.
“Not you too Min! I’m dying of worry here! Hyung! Just tell me what’s wrong!” Junsu pleaded.
The three of us are sitting at the lunch table. I cried a little bit just before, but managed to stop. Now, I’m covering my face with one hand, looking down at the table.
“Junsu, stop that!”
“Yea Su! Just stop-“
“All of you stop!” I snapped and the three of them looked at me.
“Junsu…” I started “…I… don’t really know what’s going on between Yunho and me, but don’t let it affect you. You don’t need to mind it…” I told him. Speaking about it seems so hard. It seems as if the moment I start pouring my heart out, I will also start crying too. But I can’t… not here… in school…
“…alright hyung… I understand…” Junsu told me with a very serious look which I’ve never seen on him before. Junsu’s answer seemed very… nebulous…
“Let’s just eat…”
~ ~ ~
I had planned to go home right after school so that I wouldn’t need to talk to anybody. I just wanted to go home and do whatever I needed to do. To cry if I wanted to, to scream if I wanted to, to go crazy, or whatever…
However, it seems like my plans are destroyed due to my tutor job. I really regret getting this job now.
As the car drove through the entrance of the house’s garden, I recognized the house by all its crosses and religious statues. It’s Siwon’s house.
~ ~ ~
I stood at the entrance and waited. I didn’t look around. I just stood there, feeling so crappy that I could just break down in any minute. Stupid Yunho, stupid job, stupid Yunho…
“Hey…” a voice said and I looked up. Siwon was looking at me with a slightly surprised expression. He didn’t bow or use any term of politeness… I wonder what’s up with him?
“Hey” I replied, tired and crappy.
“Jaejoong-sshi…are you okay?” he asked me. Damn! Don’t ask me if I’m okay! It’s only going to…
I felt my eyes stinging.
“Yeah… I’m fine” I said, trying to smile a little though knowing fully well that my eyes were probably going to be red any second from now.
“O-oh… could you follow me then?” he asked me and I nodded quickly so that he would just turn around and lead the way without having to see me tearing up.
On the way to his room, I managed to calm down a little.
“So… what do you need help with today?” I asked him as we sat down at his desk.
“Life” he replied.
Life…?
“What?” I asked, not understanding.
“Heechul-sshi… he… he likes me?” Siwon asked reluctantly. From the look on his face, it seems as if he’s been preparing his little question for a while now.
“Yea” I said. What’s the point of making something up now?
“So… does he know that I’m religious?” Siwon asked.
“Yea, I told him. He didn’t care I think…” I replied. Hearing those words, Siwon just nodded and though for a second. There was a moment of silence which I enjoyed.
“Is… is Heechul a sinner?” he asked me and I thought about it.
“Depends what you mean” I told him “I’m not religious” Another moment of silence.
“… Is Heechul a bad person?” Siwon rephrased his question.
“No… not a bad person” I said, sure of what I said “he’s just… eccentric I guess” I chose the word carefully.
“Oh…”
“Yep…”
…
“Siwon?” I asked this time and he looked at me “…is loving a sin?” I asked for myself rather than for Heechul.
“No. Loving isn’t a sin. God loves. He loves every living thing” Siwon preached.
“Do you think he loves Heechul too?” I asked and Siwon had to think about it.
“I… don’t know…”
“…Then will you love Heechul?” I asked him and expected him to say no right away, but no answer came. We were both looking into each other’s eyes seriously now.
“I don’t know…” he finally said after a while.
“Oh…”
…
I see.
~ ~ ~
I went home after telling Siwon to re-read the bible and trying to find his answers there. He told me he will.
After having that talk with Siwon, I don’t know why, but I feel somewhat better. I guess in a way, it’s because he has it worse than me. At least I could choose who to love.
…
Do I love Yunho? Yes or no?
Ugh… I don’t know… I just feel so confused and shitty. This has never happened before and it’s driving me nuts!
Okay Jaejoong. Answer honestly.
Do you feel like talking to Yunho? Yes. That much, I admit. I started imagining myself having a nice casual talk with him.
Do you feel like… being friends with him? Yes. I started remembering the nice friendly talks we had.
I miss it…very much actually…
My eyes started stinging again. Aw fuck you Yunho…
Do you feel like… seeing his smile? Yes, I want to see it bad…but he… he doesn’t…only to Euna.. he…
The first teardrop fell. Aw fuck, fuck, fuck! I hate you Yunho!
Do you feel like holding his hand?
I imagined myself holding his hand. It’s so warm. So… protective.
Yes… I want to hold his hand.
Do you love him?
Yes, fuck you Yunho!
~ ~ ~