Just another HS fic-Chapter 40
-CHAPTER 40-
It’s the first Monday that I actually looked forward to this year. Wait no, maybe in my whole life.
Why was I looking forward to it? I seriously don’t know. I probably just want to talk things over with Yunho and get this over with. The more this continues, the more it feels like a disease.
It took me way too long to fall asleep yesterday night, it’s not even funny. And why? Because of thoughts of Yunho.
Yunho, Yunho, Yunho.
First I tried blocking him out, but it didn’t work. Then I thought that maybe if I just let my stupid mind think about him, I would eventually get tired of it and wander off to something else, but no. That didn’t work either. In the end, I fell asleep because I was too physically exhausted to continue thinking about him.
I guess it’s needless to say that I did NOT sleep well. I think I even got a strange dream about Yunho. I don’t remember it though…
But today. Oh yes, today is the day where this is all going to be over. I’ll just talk with him and get a good rest tonight.
The moment I entered class, I looked for Yunho, but strangely, he wasn’t there. The class president is usually on time. Euna wasn’t there either.
Does that mean that… they…? I suddenly felt an unexplainable rush of worry; of panic almost, rise in my body.
I went to sit down at my seat, ignoring all the eyes that were on me as I did.
“He sat in Jaejoong’s seat!” I heard somebody say.
Is Euna telling Yunho that he can date her at this precise moment? Is he surprised? Is he happy…?
“He’s much cooler than Jaejoong anyways!”
Are they going to announce that they’re officially dating or something? When? After school? At lunch? In class?
“I wonder if he has a girlfriend…”
As the thoughts gradually started infecting my brain, I felt my heart thump faster and faster.
I’m going crazy. I’m going crazy. I’m-
Hold on Jaejoong. Why are you panicking? There must be a reason. Something must be wrong, yes. That has to be it.
I searched in my mind as hard as I could to think of a reason why something could go wrong, but nothing came other than the fact that they’re going to be late for class.
“Student…” a voice said.
What’s happening?
“Student…” the voice repeated.
Am I having a burnout? Too much stress maybe?
“Student!” the voice shouted and I snapped out of it. It was the teacher. She was looking at me with shocked eyes.
“Is everything alright?” she asked me.
“Mm” I said and nodded. She was still looking at me weird. I noticed that the whole class was staring at me.
“Are you sure you’re in the right class?” she asked me.
Sigh.
~ ~ ~
Yunho and Euna ended up arriving on time. They didn’t come in together. Yunho still seemed like he was angry at me since his face was as cold as a block of ice and Euna was just gorgeous as she always is, was and will be. Then again, Yunho looked good too. They both look really good. I guess they do match…
They would match much better together than with me-
My thought stopped there. I couldn’t think of the next thing I was going to think, too afraid of the thought.
Woah… what could be so scary that I don’t even want to think about it?
If it’s that scary, then I better not think about it…
~ ~ ~
“Hey Yunho” I said.
“…”
Most people in the class have already left. Junsu and IU were waiting for me outside.
“You still mad? Can I just explain the situation that happened the other day?” I said, resisting to not add an “even though there’s nothing much to explain”.
“I’m not mad”
“But then why-“
“Yunho-sshi” a female voice said. I recognized it right away. It was Euna’s voice. Yunho turned around and looked at her. His eyes drifted to her without even looking at me the slightest bit in the process. That somehow made me feel really bad. Really really bad.
Only the three of us were left in the class.
“Yes, Euna-sshi?” Yunho replied in a soft voice, unlike the cold tone he used with me.
“Can you come with me for a second?”
I looked at Yunho.
“Sure” he said with a smiled and got up. They left together. As they exited the classroom, Euna looked back at me and smiled. I could only smile back, or try to…
The smile that I tried pulling off felt strained, very strained.
I always thought that Yunho had the best smile…
How am I going to learn how to smile now…?
~ ~ ~
“Hyung! You did it! You made Euna date Yunho!” Junsu said, all giggly. He looks as if he’s proud of me.
“I... I guess…” I said, not knowing why my answer seemed so unsure, so empty.
IU looked at me and her face became soft.
“Jaejoong, are you alright?” she asked me tenderly, as if afraid to break me with her words.
Am I alright?
…
I don’t feel alright.
But I don’t have a reason to not to feel alright.
“Yeah, I’m alright” I said, trying to sound as normal as possible. IU just patted me on the shoulder and continued walking with me. Junsu just looked confused.
“Hyung…?” he asked me, looking at me with big innocent eyes.
“I’m alright”
~ ~ ~
“Wow, you’re really good hyung. I always thought that Euna was the kind of girl that would never get close with any guy, but it looks like you did it!” Changmin complimented me and I tried smiling at him. He didn’t seem too satisfied with my smile.
“Hyung is something-“
I pushed the two lunches that I made to him. He looked at the two lunches and then looked back up at me, confused and worried.
“Is there something wrong?” he asked with concern.
“I don’t have any appetite. In fact, I’m feeling a little bit queasy” I told him. There’s a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it’s making me want to puke.
“Do you want me to bring you to the school nurse?” Changmin asked me, putting his hand on my arm.
“I think I’ll just go drink some water” I told him and got up. I didn’t bother to look back at my friends who were probably staring at my back as I left.
~ ~ ~
I walked outside to go to where the sinks are. I really need to feel some cold water on my face.
I turned around at the corner of the school building and was about to get to the sinks that were only a few feet away.
“I’ll give you a chance… so let’s date from today on” a female voice said. The words the voice said sent chills down my spine. I looked up. Euna was standing back to me. Yunho was hugging her, his head on her shoulder, facing me. Noticing me, he stared at me with a cold, cold stare. He looked at me like he was blaming me for something. It was as if he hated me for something.
Without thinking, I ran away as fast as I could.
~ ~ ~
I ran and ran without any precise destination. I just had to get somewhere far. As far as I could.
Before I knew it, I was at the corner of the schoolyard, alone with only trees and bushes around me.
I hid behind a large tree and slid down until I sat down on the floor, panting.
Why did I run away? …to not spoil their moment, I think…
Why am I hiding myself? … because I’m ashamed that Yunho saw me, I think…
Why…
Why am I crying…?
I think… I think… I don’t know…
All I know is that I desperately need to cry… I don’t care if it’s not my personality to cry. I don’t care if crying is for sissies. I don’t care what anybody would think of me if they found me.
All I know… is that I need to cry and that it feels so good.
So, so good…
~ ~ ~
I didn’t dare to show my face in school for the rest of the day. I just waited until school was over and that the gates would open for me to blend in with the crowd and leave.
When I got home, I got a text message from Yunho.
“Why did you follow us? I never thought that you were that kind of person…” was what his text message said.
I wanted to reply and tell him that it’s just a misunderstanding, but somehow, I didn’t. I just felt like it was pointless. That all of it is just pointless.
That trying to get him together with Euna was pointless.
That being friends with him was pointless.
I wish that I never accepted to go to the café with him that first time we met.
I wish I never accepted any of his offers to give me a ride back home.
I wish that I’d have torn away my wrist every time he wanted to ask me his “one last questions”.
I’d wish that it just all stops…
Just stop…
Please stop…
~ ~ ~
It’s the first Monday that I actually looked forward to this year. Wait no, maybe in my whole life.
Why was I looking forward to it? I seriously don’t know. I probably just want to talk things over with Yunho and get this over with. The more this continues, the more it feels like a disease.
It took me way too long to fall asleep yesterday night, it’s not even funny. And why? Because of thoughts of Yunho.
Yunho, Yunho, Yunho.
First I tried blocking him out, but it didn’t work. Then I thought that maybe if I just let my stupid mind think about him, I would eventually get tired of it and wander off to something else, but no. That didn’t work either. In the end, I fell asleep because I was too physically exhausted to continue thinking about him.
I guess it’s needless to say that I did NOT sleep well. I think I even got a strange dream about Yunho. I don’t remember it though…
But today. Oh yes, today is the day where this is all going to be over. I’ll just talk with him and get a good rest tonight.
The moment I entered class, I looked for Yunho, but strangely, he wasn’t there. The class president is usually on time. Euna wasn’t there either.
Does that mean that… they…? I suddenly felt an unexplainable rush of worry; of panic almost, rise in my body.
I went to sit down at my seat, ignoring all the eyes that were on me as I did.
“He sat in Jaejoong’s seat!” I heard somebody say.
Is Euna telling Yunho that he can date her at this precise moment? Is he surprised? Is he happy…?
“He’s much cooler than Jaejoong anyways!”
Are they going to announce that they’re officially dating or something? When? After school? At lunch? In class?
“I wonder if he has a girlfriend…”
As the thoughts gradually started infecting my brain, I felt my heart thump faster and faster.
I’m going crazy. I’m going crazy. I’m-
Hold on Jaejoong. Why are you panicking? There must be a reason. Something must be wrong, yes. That has to be it.
I searched in my mind as hard as I could to think of a reason why something could go wrong, but nothing came other than the fact that they’re going to be late for class.
“Student…” a voice said.
What’s happening?
“Student…” the voice repeated.
Am I having a burnout? Too much stress maybe?
“Student!” the voice shouted and I snapped out of it. It was the teacher. She was looking at me with shocked eyes.
“Is everything alright?” she asked me.
“Mm” I said and nodded. She was still looking at me weird. I noticed that the whole class was staring at me.
“Are you sure you’re in the right class?” she asked me.
Sigh.
~ ~ ~
Yunho and Euna ended up arriving on time. They didn’t come in together. Yunho still seemed like he was angry at me since his face was as cold as a block of ice and Euna was just gorgeous as she always is, was and will be. Then again, Yunho looked good too. They both look really good. I guess they do match…
They would match much better together than with me-
My thought stopped there. I couldn’t think of the next thing I was going to think, too afraid of the thought.
Woah… what could be so scary that I don’t even want to think about it?
If it’s that scary, then I better not think about it…
~ ~ ~
“Hey Yunho” I said.
“…”
Most people in the class have already left. Junsu and IU were waiting for me outside.
“You still mad? Can I just explain the situation that happened the other day?” I said, resisting to not add an “even though there’s nothing much to explain”.
“I’m not mad”
“But then why-“
“Yunho-sshi” a female voice said. I recognized it right away. It was Euna’s voice. Yunho turned around and looked at her. His eyes drifted to her without even looking at me the slightest bit in the process. That somehow made me feel really bad. Really really bad.
Only the three of us were left in the class.
“Yes, Euna-sshi?” Yunho replied in a soft voice, unlike the cold tone he used with me.
“Can you come with me for a second?”
I looked at Yunho.
“Sure” he said with a smiled and got up. They left together. As they exited the classroom, Euna looked back at me and smiled. I could only smile back, or try to…
The smile that I tried pulling off felt strained, very strained.
I always thought that Yunho had the best smile…
How am I going to learn how to smile now…?
~ ~ ~
“Hyung! You did it! You made Euna date Yunho!” Junsu said, all giggly. He looks as if he’s proud of me.
“I... I guess…” I said, not knowing why my answer seemed so unsure, so empty.
IU looked at me and her face became soft.
“Jaejoong, are you alright?” she asked me tenderly, as if afraid to break me with her words.
Am I alright?
…
I don’t feel alright.
But I don’t have a reason to not to feel alright.
“Yeah, I’m alright” I said, trying to sound as normal as possible. IU just patted me on the shoulder and continued walking with me. Junsu just looked confused.
“Hyung…?” he asked me, looking at me with big innocent eyes.
“I’m alright”
~ ~ ~
“Wow, you’re really good hyung. I always thought that Euna was the kind of girl that would never get close with any guy, but it looks like you did it!” Changmin complimented me and I tried smiling at him. He didn’t seem too satisfied with my smile.
“Hyung is something-“
I pushed the two lunches that I made to him. He looked at the two lunches and then looked back up at me, confused and worried.
“Is there something wrong?” he asked with concern.
“I don’t have any appetite. In fact, I’m feeling a little bit queasy” I told him. There’s a horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach and it’s making me want to puke.
“Do you want me to bring you to the school nurse?” Changmin asked me, putting his hand on my arm.
“I think I’ll just go drink some water” I told him and got up. I didn’t bother to look back at my friends who were probably staring at my back as I left.
~ ~ ~
I walked outside to go to where the sinks are. I really need to feel some cold water on my face.
I turned around at the corner of the school building and was about to get to the sinks that were only a few feet away.
“I’ll give you a chance… so let’s date from today on” a female voice said. The words the voice said sent chills down my spine. I looked up. Euna was standing back to me. Yunho was hugging her, his head on her shoulder, facing me. Noticing me, he stared at me with a cold, cold stare. He looked at me like he was blaming me for something. It was as if he hated me for something.
Without thinking, I ran away as fast as I could.
~ ~ ~
I ran and ran without any precise destination. I just had to get somewhere far. As far as I could.
Before I knew it, I was at the corner of the schoolyard, alone with only trees and bushes around me.
I hid behind a large tree and slid down until I sat down on the floor, panting.
Why did I run away? …to not spoil their moment, I think…
Why am I hiding myself? … because I’m ashamed that Yunho saw me, I think…
Why…
Why am I crying…?
I think… I think… I don’t know…
All I know is that I desperately need to cry… I don’t care if it’s not my personality to cry. I don’t care if crying is for sissies. I don’t care what anybody would think of me if they found me.
All I know… is that I need to cry and that it feels so good.
So, so good…
~ ~ ~
I didn’t dare to show my face in school for the rest of the day. I just waited until school was over and that the gates would open for me to blend in with the crowd and leave.
When I got home, I got a text message from Yunho.
“Why did you follow us? I never thought that you were that kind of person…” was what his text message said.
I wanted to reply and tell him that it’s just a misunderstanding, but somehow, I didn’t. I just felt like it was pointless. That all of it is just pointless.
That trying to get him together with Euna was pointless.
That being friends with him was pointless.
I wish that I never accepted to go to the café with him that first time we met.
I wish I never accepted any of his offers to give me a ride back home.
I wish that I’d have torn away my wrist every time he wanted to ask me his “one last questions”.
I’d wish that it just all stops…
Just stop…
Please stop…
~ ~ ~