The LiveJournal! The LiveJournal! What, What? The LiveJournal!
So, like, I'm all at work and shit, you know, doing the bizness which has been so deliriously entrusted to me. But naturally, I'm doing other shazzness at the moment. So I'm reading about some baseball trades that happened years ago and edifying myself vis-a-vis their impact today. And don't you know if one article referred to a trade I'm sure you're all familiar with. You know, prior to the 2005 season when the Oakland Athletics sent Mark Mulder to the St. Louis Cardinals for Dan Haren, Kiko Calero and Daric Barton. Anyways-ja, they just listed the last names. Y'know, something like Haren, Calero and Barton. When I saw the name Barton, I'm all like, "Holy Fuck! Colono Barton used to play for the Cardinals!? Nuh-uh! He played for Cleveland and was then traded to Los Angeles! Obvs-ja!!!" Well, I had gone and done a silly thing. I had confused the invented fellow Colono Barton with the real pitcher for the Angels Bartolo Colon. The name Barton made my mind do a mind-fuck. But, not all was lost. I played a fun game.
Bartolo Colon = An actual pitcher (2005 Cy Young Award winner) for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Colono Barton = A made up pitcher involved in a well-known trade; invented the Scruble Pitch and accidentally killed Barry Bonds with it.
Barlono Coton = The heir to the Argentinian cotton plantations; his family changed their name to honor the material that made their fortune.
Barcoto Bolon = A plumber from Milwaukee, his mother named him after her maternal grandfather (who hailed from Estonia), and his name comes from a horrendously Anglicized version of the Italian name "Bologna."
Bollono Carton = A playboy millionaire, born in Hewitt Falls, Maine and raised in Beverly Hills, California. His grandfather invented cartons.
Cotollo Baron = Cotollo, the Portoguese word for "red," was given to this young boy from Cape Verde by his father who loved Snoopy comics.
Corolla Baton = Not a person, but a flange in engine of the 2002 Toyota Corolla. Caused fatal car crashes; discontinued, 2003.
Carloto Balon = A janitor at William Jefferson Clinton elementary school in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Hails from Havana, Cuba, and was a renowned surgeon there. The U.S. Government would not recognize his medical license, so his only course of action was to clean up the barf of eleven year-olds. He keeps a collection of pictures of the barfs he has taken. His neighbors think he is a child molester. But he is a sad, kindly old Cuban man with a penchant for photographic representations of human vomit. He challenges himself to maintain his medical proficiency by examining the pictures of puke and constructing the general health and maladies of the child who threw it up. One day, three days shy of his 87th birthday, still working at WJC elementary, he will diagnose and cure AIDS based upon the vomit of 5th grader (ironically named) Bolloto Caron.
Bolloto Caron = Last known person to contract HIV/AIDS before cure was discovered; defeated in 2036 presidential election by Dakota Fanning.
Carona Ballon = Three-Time Salesman of the Year, Mondetelli Ford in Wishquawaum, Minnesota.
See? Baseball is fun!
Bartolo Colon = An actual pitcher (2005 Cy Young Award winner) for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim
Colono Barton = A made up pitcher involved in a well-known trade; invented the Scruble Pitch and accidentally killed Barry Bonds with it.
Barlono Coton = The heir to the Argentinian cotton plantations; his family changed their name to honor the material that made their fortune.
Barcoto Bolon = A plumber from Milwaukee, his mother named him after her maternal grandfather (who hailed from Estonia), and his name comes from a horrendously Anglicized version of the Italian name "Bologna."
Bollono Carton = A playboy millionaire, born in Hewitt Falls, Maine and raised in Beverly Hills, California. His grandfather invented cartons.
Cotollo Baron = Cotollo, the Portoguese word for "red," was given to this young boy from Cape Verde by his father who loved Snoopy comics.
Corolla Baton = Not a person, but a flange in engine of the 2002 Toyota Corolla. Caused fatal car crashes; discontinued, 2003.
Carloto Balon = A janitor at William Jefferson Clinton elementary school in Hot Springs, Arkansas. Hails from Havana, Cuba, and was a renowned surgeon there. The U.S. Government would not recognize his medical license, so his only course of action was to clean up the barf of eleven year-olds. He keeps a collection of pictures of the barfs he has taken. His neighbors think he is a child molester. But he is a sad, kindly old Cuban man with a penchant for photographic representations of human vomit. He challenges himself to maintain his medical proficiency by examining the pictures of puke and constructing the general health and maladies of the child who threw it up. One day, three days shy of his 87th birthday, still working at WJC elementary, he will diagnose and cure AIDS based upon the vomit of 5th grader (ironically named) Bolloto Caron.
Bolloto Caron = Last known person to contract HIV/AIDS before cure was discovered; defeated in 2036 presidential election by Dakota Fanning.
Carona Ballon = Three-Time Salesman of the Year, Mondetelli Ford in Wishquawaum, Minnesota.
See? Baseball is fun!