home comings

[westwithenight]

It is more then a little surreal to be back in the bay area with no return ticket in my back pocket for Georgia or any where else for that matter. Life here is not slow so I have only had moments to reflect on this but they seem to hit me most in saying good byes. I have seen a few people since I have been home and when saying good bye at the end of an evening or coffee gathering or what have you, more then one person has remarked "well your here now so I don't have to give you a good bye, good bye" It is always a little awkward and I guess feels good. I don't realy know. I had gotten used to my time being home, that of tight schedualing and closely planned events, even when I was home for a few months. There was always this constant presure of "you will be leaving soon" and now I have no idea and I am afraid. I am slowly settleing in, my room is a disaster of clothes and costumes thrown our of drawers and boxes in an attempt, I guees, to take stalk on what I have and where I am. I keep getting this instinct to flee. To not get settled to much, to keep my suitcases visible and unzipped. I was such a home centric person but my years away have made me flighty and some what unpredictable. I am ok with this I think, but I think it is freaking the people around me out a bit, they keep saying "your back for real! I can see you all the time now" and I keep going "yeah!... unless I leave again(under my breath)" In all likely hood I am here for atleast six months and I should get settled in. I have tons of things I want to do and I do love hiking here and seeing so many people I missed but I guess it comes down to a feeling of having no home realy. I will find one more in the people I will gather around me then in a place.
And I guess I should stop being so dramatic considering I have only been home a week as of today. So deep breath and slow the heart rate. Not everything has to happen today.