♥ till suffocation claims my lungs♥
ouch.ouch.ouch.ouch.OUCH. this is tearing me apart.yes, i am writing again. So, he wrote a blog about this girl that he is absolutly in love with and he wants to be with her.this is hurting me. he just wrote this yestreday. i cant believe this.he is out there in love with some amazing girl and just leaves me on the side. this really really hurts. i knew i should have never even talked to him again. i already knew once i did this would happen. this has to be a dream.im so hurt. i havent stopped crying since i read it. no one knows how this feels. sure there are people who expirence this, but i take this with so much emotion. i cant help the way he feels and the best thing i can do is TRY and make him think about me. but,no. now i know what he is really thinkiing about.so, now i know, when i kiss him, he is thinking about some other stupid whore. thats all i am.i am a stupid fucking whore.this is killing me. He always has kind words to say to me to try and make up for the hurt, and no matter how many times i tell myself that i will never forgive what he has done to me..i fuck up again and give him the title to talk to me. i should have just erased the message he sent me. i should have told him excatly what he did to me and how everynight, i freaking cry mu little eyes out. i tryed getting over him and i thought i was when he hurt me..but then a month later i recieve a message..i dont know what he is doing to me. why is he doing this?what does he really want from me and why did he some back?..i just need someone who wont do this to me..he wont break my heart and then throw it back in my face.i just cant believe after i told him and told him that this would be hard for me to do..and then he is in love with someone who i god damn know will love him back, because he is just spectacular. he is charming and he knows it. He uses it to his advantage and makes me feel like shit in the process. after i read that..and after last night..we wont be hanging out again, we wont be talking. like before, but this time, he wont come back, he has some girl, and that time, i wont fall for it again.i did what, like 5 times already. and i did it again. so i say this..but then i see his face and i relize how lonley i am and that i just want someone to hold me...even if it is someone who doesnt give a fuck about me.That way, i feel content. like i did last night..i knew it was to good to be true.there is no way possible he wants anything more with me. Im just some lame excuse for him.Maybe, he has a little feeling for me..i mean, he did write me out of the blue,wait no..he did this last time..he messaged me saying lets have sex.we didnt, but i still hung out with him and i guess i failed the test and he had the nerve to call me a slut and that i would just do anyone who said that to me and that i failed the test and people were right about me. the only thing that i can accept him for is the fact that he did know that he hurt me. he admitted it. he said he didnt mean to, but i doubt it now.this is really shitty. eveything that could go wrong has.im so lost....great...he just sent me a message....i am so confused...i just felt my heart drop..im crying.damnit.why do i have to be such a pussy. at least this time he is talking to me.no..no..no NO what the hell am i doing.i dont need this. i probabley deserve it, but i dont need it. i just need someone who wont do this to me, but i am shit out of luck for that. everyone is the same. they all have the attendancy to do the same thing over and over again. im a fucking garbage disspossal..i swear. okay, i cant spell. i dont care...yeah.he just told me he was horney.ok. now i know he just wants sex.no.fuck that. i am done with that. that just ruined any chance of me even forgiving him. im done with this. if he is soo lonley and horney or whatever the fuck..he can just go to the love of his life, the girl that he cant get out of his head.what a dick.i dont even want to be around any one anymore.after this..i have come to a conclusion that all guys are the same.after this new year.and last year. i cant just find one that is different. that wont just use me and expect me to be there waiting just because i like them.great..now he is telling me we can "help"each other.seriosly.what the fuck am i? everytime i see his face..its like a bullet to my lifeless heart.its numb but at the same time,i can feel it.i find myself always settling for less..and dealing with it. its just because i am to nice and i dont know how to make things better.i just wish that one guy that i miss would come back to me and protect me.but i know if he knew that i was talking about him, he would flip out and think i am a wierdo because we havent hung out much, but he is a sweetheart, and i know when he hurt me, it wasnt because he wanted to. he is so sincere.or so i think.
well..i think i am done.im just hurting myself, so i guess i deserve this...i just god.want to find that one i can trust. i dont know..im being emo today.