valentines day
yesterday was such a gift. I found what church I want to be a part of and I had dinner with my family at home. When I see my family I am so happy that I get dissapointed knowing that in a few hours they will be gone again. I have a sense of urgency in my soul and this becomes amplified when I see my family. Like this is how Im judging time is by the amount of times I see my family. For I believe it is strictly numbered for I know my Lord will call upon me soon. I know my family doesnt understand this even though I tempted to tell my parents over christmas break. I achieved intimacy with all members of my family. Kathryn was woken up by me, I was rubbing her stomach and whispering her name. But she would not respond. then I whispered, 'brandon is here' she opened her eyes and immediatley smiled and held my neck tightly. Joseph was alone in his room reading, i came in and read to him. He stopped me and said, "you and patrick are my favorite brothers becuase you are the only brothers I have" I smiled and we gave each other a hug and I kissed him. I need to only look in my mothers eyes to be satisfied. All the words and actions come as well but its as soon as I look at her that I am happy. My father and I had conversation with laughs and seriousness. I was mostly honored to thank him for adopting me, loving me and being my dad on the eve of the very day it happened, my throat got a little swollen. All this was topped by the unexpected, talking to Patrick to and from home. We had a very indepth conversation and came to realizations and shared understandings. God is continuing to ween me from this world. It takes a lot of prayer and meditation to make strides. I cant shake the faithfulness of my Lord and savior, the spirit is so alive and willing when I call upon it. When I ask, I recieve. THen I recieve and am awed by the flames that wrap me. Its almost upsetting not being able to understand and grasp how much our Father loves us. I dont feel worthy to recieve his favor and grace. I dont feel worthy to have him live and move within me. But he does. He has chosen me. He has prepared space in heaven for me. He has willed me to see his face. He gave me family, a mind i cant summarize, situations and ppl that have molded me to what I am. He watches me. And it sickens me to see me fall at all short of complete sacrifice to His glory. But I do, and it burns my heart. I tremble watching the world live for the world. Not looking to the ONLY being worthy.