Answers: Post 2 of N
The not-meme continued! Better late than never. Answers to questions from muffyjo, thesoxgap, scholargipsy, lillibet, and spoothbrush below.
Another question from muffyjo. She asks, "What is your most recent ordinary moment and what made it ordinary and special?"
This morning [okay, it was several weeks ago now, but when I started writing this it actually was that morning] I got dressed and chose my jewelry. Just like I do every many days. I decided to wear my chain with the six colored metal beads on it. You know, in rainbow order, symbolizing a certain brand of pride. I don't usually wear it--it often feels like a throwback to college or perhaps my early 20s when the principle was more important than the appearance. Now it's just another necklace and not the most attractive one at that. But for whatever reason I decided to put it on and wear it out to the children's museum because that was where I was taking Little McMonkeypants that day. Just the two of us. And I figured, hey, why not hint at the two-mom nature of our family while only one mom was present. I doubt anyone noticed, to be honest, but it seemed worth doing anyway. What I didn't count on was Little M's reaction. "Mommy," she said, "you have a necklace with colors!" And from there we went into her jewelry box and picked out her own necklace with the rainbow-color beads that her friend A made her with her name on it. Nothing to do with having two moms, of course, just wanting to be like one of them. And that, my friends, makes a mom feel proud.
thesoxgap posts, "I was going to ask about the new job...How's family life?"
You know, it's funny. They're kind of related in my mind. I realized while I was job hunting this time around that my priorities had shifted. It wasn't just about the job itself any more; I was willing to "settle" or take something I was less passionate about/dedicated to because showing up, getting it done, and then going home allowed me to devote more to my family life. Also, the fact that my previous job did not lend itself well to family time (or, you know, financial support--not that it was awful, but it was a pay cut from the job I had before it and that fact was never going to make me NOT resentful) helped me to prioritize that aspect of other jobs in a way I hadn't before. The ability to work a (mostly) M-F 9-5 schedule, for example. It was a particularly striking example for me of those shifting priorities that everyone told me were coming with parenthood. I don't think a LOT has changed about the way I approach life and unlike my wife, my day-to-day still resembles much of my pre-kid life, but a lot has changed about why I go to work every day and why I come home. It's not only to see my family; it's also to care for them and, more specifically, relieve saraheeyore from HER primary day job.
Which leads me to the actual answer to this question: My family is wonderful and I feel lucky to share a life with them and I'm pretty fond of the life we're embarked on. It's a good mix of exploration and downtime, of adventure and just enjoying each other's company. Of discovering new things we love about each other and also points of conflict that take more than instinct to resolve. I adore Margo (except even when she's being a little stinker) and I think Sarah and I make a pretty good team. However, I also think there's an inherent imbalance when one partner works outside the home and the other works inside it and it's tough to navigate. I never quite feel like I'm doing enough to contribute to the household and I often feel often feel guilty when I take time to myself, however needed it may be. Weekends, and weeknights, have become decidedly less social and that can be rough on my extroverted side, but I do so adore the company of my wife and child, it's tough to give up time with them as well. Everything does seem to center around the toddler these days but she's so very delightful (except, of course, when she's a cranky, clingy non-delight) that seeing the world through her eyes is exactly how I want to be spending my time. It's only when I look back and realize all the things I *haven't* done that it seems like I should have been doing...not something else, exactly, but more. Or that I've been missing out on all my friends' lives. Facebook, believe it or not, only goes so far in making sure I stay connected. But you didn't ask about my social life. You asked about family life. I like it. I don't always like who I am at home, but I like my family and I aspire to do better by them. Especially my wife, because she is an amazing partner and takes on way more than her fair share to make life awesome. I owe her a LOT of dates. And not the dried fruit kind.
On a similar note, scholargipsy asks, "How has motherhood affected your, er, romantic life?"
About as one would expect. Messed with the timing. This refers to both logistics, energy levels, and hormonal moods. Find a groove (or a time to break out of one?) is trickier than it was previously. In the early months, there's also something to be said about both physical and mental ability to make use of parts that had recently been devoted exclusively to baby. Speaking more broadly, see above re: more dates. Again, not the dried fruit kind. (Not that there's anything wrong with that?) There's so much pressure to make them count, though!
lillibet asks, "What's the next big change you're contemplating?"
Definitely contemplating preschool. Less definitely contemplating whether we want to throw a new mcmonkeywrench into this awesome family-of-three thing we have going on. Also whether we want to trade in the Dishwasher for a Washer-Dryer. But mostly preschool. For M, not us. But also kind of for us because we're looking at cooperative schools. And also for us because kid being independent = boon for the parents. In any case, we went to our first open house yesterday. Progress!
spoothbrush suggested "Just do a Day In The Life. Pretend that you are being followed around and interviewed by People magazine or similar."
I didn't manage a full day, and this is nowhere near People-quality, but here's my inner monologue from my trip to California the other day. It will have to do for now.
3:30am- Early. Too early.
4:00am- Early! Oops, forgot water bottle. Got it. Still early! Oops, forgot keys. Can’t find them. Oh well. Still on time? Huh. Should have slept later.
4:15am- Thumbs up to this cab company.
4:30am- Plenty of time to spare before 6am flight. Should have slept later.
4:45am- Breakfast…do I order lunch too? Nah, I’ll be okay. I brought a banana. Security man, stop shouting.
5:00am- Huh. These are all A gates. My flight is out of C. Why did they let me go through that security line? Why did I not notice this until now. Too early. Ask a dude. Dude says there’s a shuttle. “You will drive across the runways! They will call you.” Guess I’ll sit and wait. Do some work. Schedule posts for work Facebook page.
5:10am- “Are you going to Cleveland?” “No”
5:30am- Um, they still haven’t called me for the shuttle. My flight’s in half an hour. Maybe should ask someone. Like, say, the nice gate agent who asked if I was going to Cleveland.
5:35am- Oh. You are NOT a nice gate agent. You are a bitchy gate agent. You think this is all my fault. Don’t tell me I “should have spoken up.” You asked me a question. I answered it.
5:40am- Um, can you be helpful instead of yelly? I fully recognize I am partly to blame for this, but dwelling on this does not increase the odds of my making the plane. Maybe make a phone call to the other gate? And try to find the shuttle driver instead of telling me he’s been around the whole time?
5:45am- Driver! Okay, not the driver, but man who can call the driver! And take me down to the runways. “I’m not going to make my flight, am I?” “No, you’re not. United doesn’t care.”
5:50am- Driver! “I’m not going to make my flight, am I?” “Sure you are. You have to have hope. I don’t like when people don’t have hope.” Whoa. Not just hope, apparently. Also fast driving. Airport Frogger! Look out for planes!
5:55am- Gate! Run run run! “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” “No need to apologize. What matters is that you are here.” Yes. THIS is how to be a good gate agent. You win. And so do I.
6:00am- Gate check back. Doors close. Ooh! New seat…closer to the front AND with no one in the middle. Maybe I should almost miss my flight more often.
6:15am- Yeah, pixelated “free preview” of in-seat TV doesn’t make me want to buy the real deal.
6:45am- Naptime.
7:05am- Ow. Crick in neck.
7:06am- Naptime.
7:30am- Ow. Crick in neck.
Et cetera
8:30am- Awake. Dammit. Guess I’ll do more work.
8:45am- Wow. I do a lot of work that requires the Internet. Is there anything I can work on up here? Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll do those things. And queue up many many emails to send when I next connect.
11:45am- Hm. Light would be good. Ooh! Mountains! Should have opened the shade earlier.
11:55 - Hm, bladder feels full…guess I should get up and-fasten seatbelts for descent. Great.
12:00pm- Ears. Hello ears. Mostly the right one.
12:15pm- Landing in ten! Time to shut down! Haha, agent said “San Antonio” instead of “San Francisco.” Maybe there’s a shuttle…
At this point, electronic devices were roughly confiscated disabled, so no further commentary ensued. If you're interested, however, I then spent two hours in the airport answering work emails that had come through while I was on the plane, waited a ridiculously long line for my Economy rental car that turned out to be an SUV, drove to the new Exploratorium (which was awesome; I love what they did with their new building/location), successfully parked the SUV two out of three times I tried, met a friend and her wife in the Castro for lunch where we proceeded to talk toddlers for an hour (but not LIKE toddlers, so that was good), and then found myself smack in the middle of a migration to the local San Francisco County preschool expo in Golden Gate Park before enjoying a very tasty Mexican dinner with burning_plume in the tastiest-smelling neighborhood I've been to in quite a while (Inner Sunset, for those of you (emblebug) who will no doubt ask me where), and then drove down to my hotel in Silicon Valley. Last thing I remember before falling asleep is a fleeting thought that folding the top tissue into a fan shape does not manage to trick one into thinking one is staying at a Fancy Hotel when the paper itself is rough and thin. Such pickiness, I know. Perhaps I DO belong in People after all.
Another question from muffyjo. She asks, "What is your most recent ordinary moment and what made it ordinary and special?"
This morning [okay, it was several weeks ago now, but when I started writing this it actually was that morning] I got dressed and chose my jewelry. Just like I do every many days. I decided to wear my chain with the six colored metal beads on it. You know, in rainbow order, symbolizing a certain brand of pride. I don't usually wear it--it often feels like a throwback to college or perhaps my early 20s when the principle was more important than the appearance. Now it's just another necklace and not the most attractive one at that. But for whatever reason I decided to put it on and wear it out to the children's museum because that was where I was taking Little McMonkeypants that day. Just the two of us. And I figured, hey, why not hint at the two-mom nature of our family while only one mom was present. I doubt anyone noticed, to be honest, but it seemed worth doing anyway. What I didn't count on was Little M's reaction. "Mommy," she said, "you have a necklace with colors!" And from there we went into her jewelry box and picked out her own necklace with the rainbow-color beads that her friend A made her with her name on it. Nothing to do with having two moms, of course, just wanting to be like one of them. And that, my friends, makes a mom feel proud.
thesoxgap posts, "I was going to ask about the new job...How's family life?"
You know, it's funny. They're kind of related in my mind. I realized while I was job hunting this time around that my priorities had shifted. It wasn't just about the job itself any more; I was willing to "settle" or take something I was less passionate about/dedicated to because showing up, getting it done, and then going home allowed me to devote more to my family life. Also, the fact that my previous job did not lend itself well to family time (or, you know, financial support--not that it was awful, but it was a pay cut from the job I had before it and that fact was never going to make me NOT resentful) helped me to prioritize that aspect of other jobs in a way I hadn't before. The ability to work a (mostly) M-F 9-5 schedule, for example. It was a particularly striking example for me of those shifting priorities that everyone told me were coming with parenthood. I don't think a LOT has changed about the way I approach life and unlike my wife, my day-to-day still resembles much of my pre-kid life, but a lot has changed about why I go to work every day and why I come home. It's not only to see my family; it's also to care for them and, more specifically, relieve saraheeyore from HER primary day job.
Which leads me to the actual answer to this question: My family is wonderful and I feel lucky to share a life with them and I'm pretty fond of the life we're embarked on. It's a good mix of exploration and downtime, of adventure and just enjoying each other's company. Of discovering new things we love about each other and also points of conflict that take more than instinct to resolve. I adore Margo (except even when she's being a little stinker) and I think Sarah and I make a pretty good team. However, I also think there's an inherent imbalance when one partner works outside the home and the other works inside it and it's tough to navigate. I never quite feel like I'm doing enough to contribute to the household and I often feel often feel guilty when I take time to myself, however needed it may be. Weekends, and weeknights, have become decidedly less social and that can be rough on my extroverted side, but I do so adore the company of my wife and child, it's tough to give up time with them as well. Everything does seem to center around the toddler these days but she's so very delightful (except, of course, when she's a cranky, clingy non-delight) that seeing the world through her eyes is exactly how I want to be spending my time. It's only when I look back and realize all the things I *haven't* done that it seems like I should have been doing...not something else, exactly, but more. Or that I've been missing out on all my friends' lives. Facebook, believe it or not, only goes so far in making sure I stay connected. But you didn't ask about my social life. You asked about family life. I like it. I don't always like who I am at home, but I like my family and I aspire to do better by them. Especially my wife, because she is an amazing partner and takes on way more than her fair share to make life awesome. I owe her a LOT of dates. And not the dried fruit kind.
On a similar note, scholargipsy asks, "How has motherhood affected your, er, romantic life?"
About as one would expect. Messed with the timing. This refers to both logistics, energy levels, and hormonal moods. Find a groove (or a time to break out of one?) is trickier than it was previously. In the early months, there's also something to be said about both physical and mental ability to make use of parts that had recently been devoted exclusively to baby. Speaking more broadly, see above re: more dates. Again, not the dried fruit kind. (Not that there's anything wrong with that?) There's so much pressure to make them count, though!
lillibet asks, "What's the next big change you're contemplating?"
Definitely contemplating preschool. Less definitely contemplating whether we want to throw a new mcmonkeywrench into this awesome family-of-three thing we have going on. Also whether we want to trade in the Dishwasher for a Washer-Dryer. But mostly preschool. For M, not us. But also kind of for us because we're looking at cooperative schools. And also for us because kid being independent = boon for the parents. In any case, we went to our first open house yesterday. Progress!
spoothbrush suggested "Just do a Day In The Life. Pretend that you are being followed around and interviewed by People magazine or similar."
I didn't manage a full day, and this is nowhere near People-quality, but here's my inner monologue from my trip to California the other day. It will have to do for now.
3:30am- Early. Too early.
4:00am- Early! Oops, forgot water bottle. Got it. Still early! Oops, forgot keys. Can’t find them. Oh well. Still on time? Huh. Should have slept later.
4:15am- Thumbs up to this cab company.
4:30am- Plenty of time to spare before 6am flight. Should have slept later.
4:45am- Breakfast…do I order lunch too? Nah, I’ll be okay. I brought a banana. Security man, stop shouting.
5:00am- Huh. These are all A gates. My flight is out of C. Why did they let me go through that security line? Why did I not notice this until now. Too early. Ask a dude. Dude says there’s a shuttle. “You will drive across the runways! They will call you.” Guess I’ll sit and wait. Do some work. Schedule posts for work Facebook page.
5:10am- “Are you going to Cleveland?” “No”
5:30am- Um, they still haven’t called me for the shuttle. My flight’s in half an hour. Maybe should ask someone. Like, say, the nice gate agent who asked if I was going to Cleveland.
5:35am- Oh. You are NOT a nice gate agent. You are a bitchy gate agent. You think this is all my fault. Don’t tell me I “should have spoken up.” You asked me a question. I answered it.
5:40am- Um, can you be helpful instead of yelly? I fully recognize I am partly to blame for this, but dwelling on this does not increase the odds of my making the plane. Maybe make a phone call to the other gate? And try to find the shuttle driver instead of telling me he’s been around the whole time?
5:45am- Driver! Okay, not the driver, but man who can call the driver! And take me down to the runways. “I’m not going to make my flight, am I?” “No, you’re not. United doesn’t care.”
5:50am- Driver! “I’m not going to make my flight, am I?” “Sure you are. You have to have hope. I don’t like when people don’t have hope.” Whoa. Not just hope, apparently. Also fast driving. Airport Frogger! Look out for planes!
5:55am- Gate! Run run run! “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.” “No need to apologize. What matters is that you are here.” Yes. THIS is how to be a good gate agent. You win. And so do I.
6:00am- Gate check back. Doors close. Ooh! New seat…closer to the front AND with no one in the middle. Maybe I should almost miss my flight more often.
6:15am- Yeah, pixelated “free preview” of in-seat TV doesn’t make me want to buy the real deal.
6:45am- Naptime.
7:05am- Ow. Crick in neck.
7:06am- Naptime.
7:30am- Ow. Crick in neck.
Et cetera
8:30am- Awake. Dammit. Guess I’ll do more work.
8:45am- Wow. I do a lot of work that requires the Internet. Is there anything I can work on up here? Yeah, okay, I guess I’ll do those things. And queue up many many emails to send when I next connect.
11:45am- Hm. Light would be good. Ooh! Mountains! Should have opened the shade earlier.
11:55 - Hm, bladder feels full…guess I should get up and-fasten seatbelts for descent. Great.
12:00pm- Ears. Hello ears. Mostly the right one.
12:15pm- Landing in ten! Time to shut down! Haha, agent said “San Antonio” instead of “San Francisco.” Maybe there’s a shuttle…
At this point, electronic devices were roughly confiscated disabled, so no further commentary ensued. If you're interested, however, I then spent two hours in the airport answering work emails that had come through while I was on the plane, waited a ridiculously long line for my Economy rental car that turned out to be an SUV, drove to the new Exploratorium (which was awesome; I love what they did with their new building/location), successfully parked the SUV two out of three times I tried, met a friend and her wife in the Castro for lunch where we proceeded to talk toddlers for an hour (but not LIKE toddlers, so that was good), and then found myself smack in the middle of a migration to the local San Francisco County preschool expo in Golden Gate Park before enjoying a very tasty Mexican dinner with burning_plume in the tastiest-smelling neighborhood I've been to in quite a while (Inner Sunset, for those of you (emblebug) who will no doubt ask me where), and then drove down to my hotel in Silicon Valley. Last thing I remember before falling asleep is a fleeting thought that folding the top tissue into a fan shape does not manage to trick one into thinking one is staying at a Fancy Hotel when the paper itself is rough and thin. Such pickiness, I know. Perhaps I DO belong in People after all.