hmm
Well, it turns out that I have the evening to myself. Daniel and Sylvia are out to see The Da Vinci Code, and it was clear that Sylvia just wanted to take Daniel out, so the night is young and entirely my own. And what was my first inclination as to what I should do with my free time? I thought that it would be enjoyable to have a couple beers, get a slight buzz, and hit the sack a little early.
Here's my confession: I am antisocial. People tend to disagree with me when I tell them that, but it's true. My gut feeling, when given the choice, is to be solitary. Generally I don't think that's such a bad thing. I genuinely enjoy having time to myself, but there's also something a little disconcerting about this instinct. After all, there's really no great reasons not to go out tonight, maybe try to meet some people my own age and have a little fun. I could say, "well, I don't speak German (at all). That makes it pretty hard to meet new people, and as it is I have trouble making new friends in a strange place." That's no good though since I haven't met anyone here who couldn't speak a bit of english, and I certainly have nothing to lose. The fact remains though that it's always a battle to get out and try something new because it puts me a good deal outside of my comfort zone. But even that's not a bad thing. I just always feel that I have to fight with myself in order to go out and "have a good time" in the traditional sense.
I can say that for tonight, I've already consciously decided that I'm going to go over to the Irish pub down the street, if only to prove to myself that I can do it. Perhaps I won't meet anyone that I hit it off with, but the odds are certainly better than if I stay in the apartment alone. This is something I struggle with all the time though. Even when I have an idea as to how I might start a conversation with someone I don't know or even just don't know very well, I find myself hesitating and often talking myself out of saying anything at all. Ironically, I probably come off as seeming stranger for not having said anything, but this has no impact in terms of convincing myself to just go for it.
What is the harm in just striking up a conversation with some random person? Logically I can see that there really is none. We might not get along, but on the other hand we might really sync with one another. Why then is saying a few words so hard? I think part of it for me is the possibility of starting a conversation only to have it lull immediately. If that happens I'm no worse the wear though. I could talk myself in circles about this all night, but the end conclusion is the same. I wish I felt inclined just to make that first step. It comes down to the fact that I am an antisocial being that wishes I was social. I can see the advantage of having a no-regrets approach to going out and mingling, etc. but I just don't have the will to do it.
The worst part about it is that I'm not sure how much I can do to change that about myself. Going out to prove the point is all well and good, but will I be willing to try again tomorrow night if tonight doesn't go very well? Probably not. Will I force myself to keep at it until I see some results and learn how to play the game? I can only hope so. Anyway, I just wanted to get some of that down before I face the unknown tonight. Even now my stomach is a bit queasy, and I feel as if every cell in my body is screaming at me to give up before I end up going out and being disappointed. That's the last attitude I'd prefer to have. I want to feel energized by the possibilities that I might create for myself. I suppose it can't be helped. I am, however, comforted by the anonymity of the situation to come and the fact that at least mentally speaking, there's a part of me that really wants to make this work (hence the entry).
Sorry if I rambled a bit (but aren't you used to that by now?). Until next time.
Here's my confession: I am antisocial. People tend to disagree with me when I tell them that, but it's true. My gut feeling, when given the choice, is to be solitary. Generally I don't think that's such a bad thing. I genuinely enjoy having time to myself, but there's also something a little disconcerting about this instinct. After all, there's really no great reasons not to go out tonight, maybe try to meet some people my own age and have a little fun. I could say, "well, I don't speak German (at all). That makes it pretty hard to meet new people, and as it is I have trouble making new friends in a strange place." That's no good though since I haven't met anyone here who couldn't speak a bit of english, and I certainly have nothing to lose. The fact remains though that it's always a battle to get out and try something new because it puts me a good deal outside of my comfort zone. But even that's not a bad thing. I just always feel that I have to fight with myself in order to go out and "have a good time" in the traditional sense.
I can say that for tonight, I've already consciously decided that I'm going to go over to the Irish pub down the street, if only to prove to myself that I can do it. Perhaps I won't meet anyone that I hit it off with, but the odds are certainly better than if I stay in the apartment alone. This is something I struggle with all the time though. Even when I have an idea as to how I might start a conversation with someone I don't know or even just don't know very well, I find myself hesitating and often talking myself out of saying anything at all. Ironically, I probably come off as seeming stranger for not having said anything, but this has no impact in terms of convincing myself to just go for it.
What is the harm in just striking up a conversation with some random person? Logically I can see that there really is none. We might not get along, but on the other hand we might really sync with one another. Why then is saying a few words so hard? I think part of it for me is the possibility of starting a conversation only to have it lull immediately. If that happens I'm no worse the wear though. I could talk myself in circles about this all night, but the end conclusion is the same. I wish I felt inclined just to make that first step. It comes down to the fact that I am an antisocial being that wishes I was social. I can see the advantage of having a no-regrets approach to going out and mingling, etc. but I just don't have the will to do it.
The worst part about it is that I'm not sure how much I can do to change that about myself. Going out to prove the point is all well and good, but will I be willing to try again tomorrow night if tonight doesn't go very well? Probably not. Will I force myself to keep at it until I see some results and learn how to play the game? I can only hope so. Anyway, I just wanted to get some of that down before I face the unknown tonight. Even now my stomach is a bit queasy, and I feel as if every cell in my body is screaming at me to give up before I end up going out and being disappointed. That's the last attitude I'd prefer to have. I want to feel energized by the possibilities that I might create for myself. I suppose it can't be helped. I am, however, comforted by the anonymity of the situation to come and the fact that at least mentally speaking, there's a part of me that really wants to make this work (hence the entry).
Sorry if I rambled a bit (but aren't you used to that by now?). Until next time.