a slight but jumpy upswing
I had a slight upswing in my life. At work they had a meeting saying how well they are doing as usual (but this time was slightly different saying that the plant I am at has had minor trouble). They also went on about how they are a growth focused company. And whenever they have a meeting saying how well they do they take stuff from us. First money based benefit programs (making 200 dollars by suggesting ideas, or bringing new hires to the job, or beating last months production, making 100 bucks if you say every 3-6 months, etc.) When they took all our money based programs they switched to taking days off from us. They took our earn days and our floating holidays. This time they took free coffee. They also congradulated us for not taking as much time off and how we improve on that each year. I was angry, very, very angry. I felt my hands shake, others heard my voice shaking. I let loose with a rant on how ever since the company said they were growth based and becoming bigger and better and rising in their field (even before the slight loss of money they had this year when they were rising) they started taking stuff from us. And how whenever they say they do better we lose stuff. I also ranted on the machines that still don't work, the throwing out whole bags of good product that could be reused after a lot is done, and the fact they congradulated us for not taking off time when it was because they took the time from us. After i ranted EVERYONE applauded. And I was congradulated by employees and even team leaders (the lowest level of bosses) after. I was treated like a hero and that felt good. And when I feel happy I notice the anger fade, and with the anger fading I don't feel hateful thank god. it is like my anger needs a target and without one it chooses one of its own.
i still have felt majorly depressed at times. especially during the weekend. I never go anywhere as it feels pointless, their is nothing for me online (the last TG TF site to my taste outside of yahoo groups died), and my attraction and fantasies swing genders so often lately it makes me angry. I do not know myself.
also, after 4 weeks of vacation I finally saw my therapist again, for the first time she suggesated antidepressants (and she always warned against them before). But she asked me why I go to her and what I want to accomplish with her, and I couldn't answer it. I am running on fumes and chasing old issues and too depressed to care.
here is a summary of my identity for the week.
RL ATTRACTION: Women, though it varies from lightly built to heavyset. I felt for guys the day after seeing my therapist, but i often drift towards men after talking to her for some reason.
RL AROUSAL: rare but womens breasts and sometimes the ass. (either flat and firm, or big and round, depending on mood).
ONLINE PIC AROUSAL: Still crossdresser pics mostly,some men.
SEXUAL FANTASIES: Lately these are EVERYWHERE. From all male (a man making female pheremones to attact women), to male gender mix (men with breasts, pregnant men), to shemales, to some female TF's (women with swapped around body parts (dicks for nipples, boobs on the butt, etc.) and even a female giant sized growth TF (rare for me, and she acted very girly in it). I still need a fictional/fantasy element to my sexual fantasies. Online RP wise (even though I rarely get RP's anymore) I still prefer men as partners, both in chat partner and what they play.
oh, a quick update, in the recent story arc the web comic The Wotch DID have a FtM change in it. So Anne can handle it.
i still have felt majorly depressed at times. especially during the weekend. I never go anywhere as it feels pointless, their is nothing for me online (the last TG TF site to my taste outside of yahoo groups died), and my attraction and fantasies swing genders so often lately it makes me angry. I do not know myself.
also, after 4 weeks of vacation I finally saw my therapist again, for the first time she suggesated antidepressants (and she always warned against them before). But she asked me why I go to her and what I want to accomplish with her, and I couldn't answer it. I am running on fumes and chasing old issues and too depressed to care.
here is a summary of my identity for the week.
RL ATTRACTION: Women, though it varies from lightly built to heavyset. I felt for guys the day after seeing my therapist, but i often drift towards men after talking to her for some reason.
RL AROUSAL: rare but womens breasts and sometimes the ass. (either flat and firm, or big and round, depending on mood).
ONLINE PIC AROUSAL: Still crossdresser pics mostly,some men.
SEXUAL FANTASIES: Lately these are EVERYWHERE. From all male (a man making female pheremones to attact women), to male gender mix (men with breasts, pregnant men), to shemales, to some female TF's (women with swapped around body parts (dicks for nipples, boobs on the butt, etc.) and even a female giant sized growth TF (rare for me, and she acted very girly in it). I still need a fictional/fantasy element to my sexual fantasies. Online RP wise (even though I rarely get RP's anymore) I still prefer men as partners, both in chat partner and what they play.
oh, a quick update, in the recent story arc the web comic The Wotch DID have a FtM change in it. So Anne can handle it.