Stress Post
So my forbearances are coming to an end, I still have no job, few prospects, and nobody's buying what I have to sell (ie art, although if I could whore meself out the old-fashioned way in order to avoid being forsworn, I would). I'm stressed and frightened and angry, but I've chewed those all over again and again so often the last year or two that it's just kind of a well-worn tread in my head. I'm almost zen at this moment, because I just don't want to make the *effort* to get all riled up and panic-attacky right now.
Sallie Mae probably won't have my legs broke, but it's right there in the friendly little warnings and sidebars all around their site that they will ruin your credit if you don't pay them or have some compelling reason on file with them. I thought by now I'd have a job doing something. I did have a job, but they tossed me out for learning too slow (on- 12 hours average a week? Really, honey.) although to be fair, I'm beginning to realize that mom is right, I do have a learning disability focused on how my ears work and how I retain information that I hear rather than read. I just hate using such things as an excuse for my failings. So face-to-face listening-and-speaking-and-remembering-orders customer service isn't for me.
I'm pissed off at how many different screw-overs have been directed my way by the various establishments I've tried to be a part of. I mean- even the Financial Aid department at my university let me think I had paid for the previous semester, told me 'the paperwork's gone through' which I took as and nobody bothered to correct me on that everything was paid for and the loans were all disbursed and everything. No one said a word to me about having run up against the limit of 'student' rather than private loan- all it would have taken was a simple 'no, I'm sorry, that won't work, why are you filling that one out, it's not for you', and a redirection to some of my other options. Instead, they let me do the wrong thing, and I ended up having to quit the next semester when I went to pay and found I still owed a huge balance. It may be laughable to some people, four thousand, but when you've got literally no income, are trying to stretch the familial food budget to last an extra week when mom's payperiod is superlong, and don't even have the reassurance that your home is going to be there to go home to in a few months- it's a big fucking deal. And they're just the people I owe immediate balance to- everyone else I owe graduated payments that add up to a staggering amount, far more than I would actually be earning a month if I were still at Panera, much less trying to live somewhere independantly and eat off it, too.
Annnnd we're chewing over the same paths again. Let's redirect this, shall we?
Nobody's died yet, I refuse to take the destructive paths of stress-relief that seem to be the narrative norm these days for broken characters, it's only money, only reputation, not honor (although it feels like it's encroaching on my honor, a lot), and something's gotta give one way or another on the house, so... I'm really tired of dangling on the string of 'will we or won't we' keep or sell, but there's nothing else for it. Mom's pretty determined we sell, dad's pretty determined we stay (he's deluded), and I'm just in the middle waiting for the fallout.
Still. I'm still here.
I'm just really wishing I could produce something that would help.
I need to stop being afraid of trying- but I'm so afraid of failing at this point. I need to stop that.
Sallie Mae probably won't have my legs broke, but it's right there in the friendly little warnings and sidebars all around their site that they will ruin your credit if you don't pay them or have some compelling reason on file with them. I thought by now I'd have a job doing something. I did have a job, but they tossed me out for learning too slow (on- 12 hours average a week? Really, honey.) although to be fair, I'm beginning to realize that mom is right, I do have a learning disability focused on how my ears work and how I retain information that I hear rather than read. I just hate using such things as an excuse for my failings. So face-to-face listening-and-speaking-and-remembering-orders customer service isn't for me.
I'm pissed off at how many different screw-overs have been directed my way by the various establishments I've tried to be a part of. I mean- even the Financial Aid department at my university let me think I had paid for the previous semester, told me 'the paperwork's gone through' which I took as and nobody bothered to correct me on that everything was paid for and the loans were all disbursed and everything. No one said a word to me about having run up against the limit of 'student' rather than private loan- all it would have taken was a simple 'no, I'm sorry, that won't work, why are you filling that one out, it's not for you', and a redirection to some of my other options. Instead, they let me do the wrong thing, and I ended up having to quit the next semester when I went to pay and found I still owed a huge balance. It may be laughable to some people, four thousand, but when you've got literally no income, are trying to stretch the familial food budget to last an extra week when mom's payperiod is superlong, and don't even have the reassurance that your home is going to be there to go home to in a few months- it's a big fucking deal. And they're just the people I owe immediate balance to- everyone else I owe graduated payments that add up to a staggering amount, far more than I would actually be earning a month if I were still at Panera, much less trying to live somewhere independantly and eat off it, too.
Annnnd we're chewing over the same paths again. Let's redirect this, shall we?
Nobody's died yet, I refuse to take the destructive paths of stress-relief that seem to be the narrative norm these days for broken characters, it's only money, only reputation, not honor (although it feels like it's encroaching on my honor, a lot), and something's gotta give one way or another on the house, so... I'm really tired of dangling on the string of 'will we or won't we' keep or sell, but there's nothing else for it. Mom's pretty determined we sell, dad's pretty determined we stay (he's deluded), and I'm just in the middle waiting for the fallout.
Still. I'm still here.
I'm just really wishing I could produce something that would help.
I need to stop being afraid of trying- but I'm so afraid of failing at this point. I need to stop that.