what THE FUCK.

[weirdassdude]

whats wrong with me? apparently there's no more human life in me anymore. i just wanna curl up in bed again && never leave. if there was a way to just escape this state, i'd be FINE, literally, i'd actually be okay. being stuck in this place for the last 18 years sucks && i hate it. i wanna be alone cause that's all i know. i dunno what the fuck to do anymore, except that i need another job afuckinsap. so much stress && too much fuckin anxiety. i wanna drink more then ever now. my life has changed tremendously from what i've been through in the last 2 years. the one person i've been waiting for this whole time is gone && it's all cause i just HAVE to be alone. i'm just not good with people in general. i mean helloooooo, it's called anti-social, social anxiety, fuckin panic with all these people that surround me with their bullshit. fuck that. i cannot go back to insomniac, waiting to fuckin die & can't wait shit. that shit was stupid. I KNOW THIS. but that doesn't mean i still don't want it to happen. just walk outside & collapse & then there. done. finitooo. i wanna go back to my old ways, but i can't, too dangerous for the people that are actually still there, i couldn't do that to them again. my family? i don't even have anything to do with them. i don't even think about them except papa, but that's only cause he's the only one that still genuinely loves me. the only "family" i really think about are my real friends, & they know who they are. i'm glad they haven't left yet. my dad has failed me. he was hope 10 years ago, the kinda shit that you don't want at first cause you know that person will let you down in the end, but then they got married & we were all set. so i thought. he won't even talk to me. i know he doesn't want to. i'm just a dissappointment//fuckup to him. actually nothing is prolly more like it. he GONNA FUCKIN DIE FROM THAT SHIT! but nooooooo, who gives a fuck? so many people, so many choices, nothin to fuckin lose clearly. well, i choose to be livin life as best as i can but godamn its hard. fuck life yo. i mean seriously do we really want someone there for us or is it that if they're just there in your life, & that's just enough?IDONTFUCKINKNOW. all my life i've wanted her back &&then it became different when there was someone there all the time & it was beautiful while it lasted, but then i fuck up that & now i'm back to where i was-alone. karma gets me good sometimes. i'll tell ya. i wanted to cut so bad the other night. it was such a weird feelin cause i knew why i wanted to do it, but i knew if i did, i wouldn't wanna stop. he doesn't even realize how much he has affected me since i've known him. i love him so fuckin much && i'm not about to go to his funeral before i leave this state. i care too much. too much fuckin compassion. willin to do things for others no matter what. selfish? you bet, doesn't mean it comes with any pleasure, no happiness, no joy, nothing. i fade into nothing. what i'm good at. && leaving. how do go backwards in time? i need to know. && yea summer '05 was it for me. that was my life. THAT was happy, that's who i was.
simplicity is what i thrive for.