Roles
Seeing some photos and knowing that Independence Day is close by made me remember and think things through. Since I can now see things clearer, I guess it's time to write to wrap things up with a neat bow and close this chapter in my life once and for all.
I used to be so hung up with this guy for a loooong loooong time. There was a time when I thought he was the one. He was my first love. Bagay kami (fite me). I really thought it would be a matter of time bago siya mauntog sa katotohanan na pwedeng pwede kami. Maybe that's why this stupidity has dragged on for so long. Hahahaha.
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It all started during the summer after first year college. I was that young woman who was simply trying to get the hang of college. During this time, I somehow got accepted into our Official School Publication. I didn't really know what I was getting into but I quickly learned that they meant business. I was half-hearted. I wasn't sure if I would last since my studies were my priority. I was planning on entering medical school and I needed a good foundation, afterall.
And yet here comes this guy, who was so unassuming that I barely noticed him at first. When he talked, though, it's short, clipped, yet so sure of himself. I learned more about him when we inadvertently struck into conversation one random moment during a team building activity. Contrary to what every other incoming staffer had in mind, he quickly clarified that his priority was his studies, first and foremost, and that his commitment to the paper was limited. He was, afterall, first in his class. I knew then and there that I was smitten.
I was seventeen then. I was largely unsure of myself, what I was doing, and where I was going. And that was dangerous. As the saying goes, "if you don't believe in something, you'll fall for anything." He came into my life at the most opportune time. I believed in him and where he wanted to go. He was a driven person who had all the priorities that your mother would force-feed into your mouth. He didn't have any vices, was extremely religious, and didn't rush into half-baked relationships. I so desperately wanted to be good enough for such a perfect guy.
I studied hard and worked hard in the college paper. I wanted to be academically suited for him and I needed to perform well if I wanted to stay in the same organization as he did (lest I get kicked out for underperforming). Everyone around me (especially my co-staffers) were having a good time, being typical college students. But I wanted to be good enough for him. I didn't smoke, refused to drink (HAHAHAHAHA look at me now), and didn't do anything any mom would be pissed to find out about. But still, nothing happened.
I did try to confess. But confessing twice seemed futile.
Years passed and I still held out a lit candle for him. Until the time came when he finally found the one for him. I mourned for about a year until I was suddenly knocked into my senses and everything seemed clearer, suddenly.
Now I have finally come to terms with myself that we're never going to happen.
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Looking back, I realized that he was there in my life in that capacity because he's exactly what I needed at that time. Being unsure of myself, I needed a role model to keep myself in line. He inadvertently taught me to fight hard for my dreams, go after what I love, and hold on tightly to my ambition. We might have NOT ended up together but who I am today is largely due to him, whether he knows this or not. For this, I am truly grateful.
His role in my life may have ended but I still sincerely wish for his happiness and fulfillment. It might not have been me, but I still hope what he has right now is the one that will last a lifetime. :)
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After this very loooong episode, I am suddenly left with a black hole. It's hard enough to find someone suitable. Now I have to find someone who would make all of this irrelevant or fade in comparison.
And yet this should make me all the surer of the person I will choose above all else. Because if everyone else faded in comparison to him, then the next person who will stand out, I must probably really truly love. And that makes me hopeful.
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So doon sa the one ko, sana hintayin mo ako. Hindi ko alam kung ready na ba ako ngayon. But I'm close enough to ready than I have ever been before. I'm surer of myself and what I am capable of giving. Sana ikaw din, kung nasaan ka man. :)